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**Guest** · July 9, 2006, 03:11 PM

People pleasing

People Pleasing

Hi Lori!

Although I don't consciously worry about what people think about me (dates and clients excluded...or do i just say that I do?

) I am naturally a compassionate person. Sometimes I feel as though I am too nice. This bugs me about myself, but the problem is...it comes from the heart, and I can't imagine being otherwise.

However, I totally understand your struggle. I have seen things; such as minor injustices or minor complaints I may have had...that I don't speak up about. I have been in classes thinking a question or comment, but been too shy (is this really the reason????) to say anything; only to have someone else say what I was thinking and having it labeled as a "great" question or comment.

Also, I am just recently exploring the mind/body connection. I very often feel as though I have a big lump in my throat and wonder if it is connected to my not always speaking out. Any similar physical symptons?

I will get that book right away, and apologize for no words of wisdom....just curiosity along the same thought.

XOXO

**Guest** · July 9, 2006, 10:54 PM

People pleasing

Re: People Pleasing

Thanks N.C
I know my body manifests what my unconscious mind is laboring over. If I can't face a confrontation with someone, my stomach hurts and my digestion is affected sometimes. I have been addressing some of this with a BodyTalk practioner and it seems to be working. There is a belief that we store emotions in body organs, and our bodies may not be able to function properly. May seem farfetched to some, but it makes sense to me. So far this approach has unearthed startling revelations about things I thought I'd let go of long ago. I didn't, I just stuffed them down. Now I'm getting to the root causes of some my insane behaviors. Hopefully this phase won't last long and I can emerge a new creation.

Best to you,
Lori

**Guest** · July 9, 2006, 11:00 PM

People pleasing

Re: People Pleasing

Lori,
I can relate to so much of that, I am sending you an EZ box.

Allie

**Guest** · July 10, 2006, 02:53 PM

People pleasing

Re: People Pleasing

Lori-are you by chance a child of an alcoholic parent? The reason, I am asking is that I am...and it is something (being a pleaser) that goes hand and hand with adult children of alcoholics. If so, you might want to check out some material in that regard...very helpful. All I can say is that in my own struggle in this area, I have worked hard on pleasing myself...not in a bad way, like egocentric but by being honest with myself and caring about myself. I hope that idea helps a little. Many times I would be in such a rut trying to make other people happy or "pleased" I would overlook my feelings or ignore them in an effort to please everyone else. Not a good way for me to live. At any rate, nice meeting you and hugs. Keep up the good work, friend. This self discovery stuff is what dreams are made of!
millie

**Guest** · July 10, 2006, 04:39 PM

People pleasing

I think that you are just wonderful, and I would suspect that most people here do as well.

This has been an issue for me recently. Mostly just grueling myself over embarassing things that I did months ago. I keep reminding myself that I am lucky that all I got was embarassment--could have been much worse.

I always have said that I really don't care what others think, but if that is the case why am I up at night thinking about these people and what they may be saying?

Good luck on this--and be gentle with yourself.

**Guest** · July 10, 2006, 05:20 PM

People pleasing

lori, a topic close to my heart. You know Joyce Meyer is very readable but if you are a book person (I am!) I would like to suggest a few titles here that have really helped me move on in this area. The roots of people pleasing are usually buried deep in our childhood experience.

Emotionally Free - Rita Bennett
Released From Shame - Sandra D Wilson
Shame off You Alan D Wright
Boundaries - Cloud and Townsend

Already I am wondering what you might think of me, hope I haven't been too presumptious in offering these!!
lol sophia

**Guest** · July 10, 2006, 06:08 PM

People pleasing

You know, sometimes I think a little sensitivity goes a long way in this world that is so damn harsh.
This is a really difficult topic for me too, Lori, and I feel for you big time! While we don't want to be a push-over and do things for others while neglecting our own needs, we don't want to be insensitive beeeeeatches either. One thing I HAVE learned is that we cannot constantly live our lives SOLELY for the purpose of pleasing others, and I believe that's what you're talking about here, correct me if I'm wrong. Everyone cannot possibly always be happy with us. It's tough. Even when people I don't care for aren't happy with me, I don't like it! I think I should say "who give's a rat's a**? I don't like them either!" But it bugs me, it truly does, and I avoid the confrontation like the plague. I need to work on that, I suppose. I just like keeping the peace!!
With the help of these wonderfully STRONG women (and men!) here, I have learned a ton about myself and my capabilities on my OWN ie: not needing the constant-every-single-person-around-me approval. There was even an incident on the boards a while back with the abs vs. mod thing where my feelings got all bent outta shape because people were not approving of what I was doing....remember that, guys???

geesh. BUT, I got so much good feedback and even from the people who were on the other side of the discussion... we don't have to ALL AGREE... we just have to be happy with OURSELVES and feel confident that we are moving forward. It was a good learning thing for me,
THANKS again, everyone:d :h

And thanks, Lori, for bringing this up! Sorry to go on and on (ya, ya, typical me.....SORRY!!!) seee? apologizing before I even get criticized for it.. hmph.
Love,
Becca

**Guest** · July 10, 2006, 10:45 PM

People pleasing

Kim,Thanks for your thougtful comments on people pleasing.
I think about you quite often and feel sad when you stay away too long. Back when that yucky stuff happened, I wished so bad that you could have stayed and let us love you. NO ONE here has any room to judge what alcohol brings out of us. I've done countless embarrassing things while drunk or drinking. That's why we're here. Remember that Kim, and be kind to yourself too.:d

Millie, oddly neither of my parents are alkie, but mom used Valium and dr. prescribed diet pills. Those were the days. huh?
She was RH negative and lost 7 children. She worked nights as an RN and was very understandably hard on us girls. Not my brother: the little poop!

Sophie, thanks a million for the book list! I'll check out the boundries one first:b I'm glad you are on the road to healing.

To all my other friends here, I love you! You are my other family. I have not had so much physical, spiritual and emotional sobriety in my entire life.

Blessings,
Lori

**Guest** · July 11, 2006, 04:10 PM

People pleasing

People Pleasing

I made myself sick over this, trying to please a mother-in-law who was and is insatiable and controlling.(even at age 90!!! yikes) At one point I nearly had a breakdown. Reading Karen Horney's work really helped me. She dates back to the Freud era but was a real maverik and a forerunner of the co-dependent movement. I think she is (was) brilliant. She basically talks about the 3 neurotic styles of coping with childhood anxiety because of numerous styles of poor parenting. You can move TOWARD people (you'll love me if I'm good and my anxiety will go away- the people pleasers); AWAY from people (if you can get to me, you can't hurt me so I'll just be a loner); and AGAINST people (I'll hurt you and dominate you so noone will ever hurt me.) All 3 forfeit their authentic selves and become very disconnected from who they are and what they want. You won't really see her books on modern, popular lists but she is well worth looking into. I teach her ideas to my seniors in highschool in my psych classes and I can see their looks of "oh wow, I can relate to this." Hope this is helpful. EM

**Guest** · July 11, 2006, 04:28 PM

People pleasing

Re: People Pleasing

Thank you Lori for your kind words, it is very much appreciated and meant a lot to me today.

Thank you Becca for reminding me that it is impossible for everyone to love or even like me regardless of my behavior in the past.

Graceful--I will have to check into that book . . .I am definitely one who tends to push AWAY.

Kim

**Guest** · July 11, 2006, 06:14 PM

People pleasing

Re: People Pleasing

This is an AWESOME topic, sorta what I opened with yesterday on mod. board........I am ALWAYS trying to please others, it is sooooooooooo odd for me to be selfish and do for myself:

Always worried about what others think about me.....when all they are thinking about is probably THEIR agenda, I mean, really! Think about the reality of it!! Am I THAT important!?!?!?:x :rollin :lol

It is funny sometimes (when I am having a good day like today, definitely NOT yesterday!

:c )....to think about it and laugh!

love ya, thanks for the topic!!!

Mary Anne:h :P :y

**Guest** · July 12, 2006, 10:58 AM

People pleasing

Re: People Pleasing

Fantastic topic for people like us. Wish I had read some of those books mentioned, however I am definitely going to get the one on Boundaries & that one by K. Horner(?).

Also, Millie, your very pointed & sharp question "were you child of alcoholic parent?" Is that really where it all comes from?

Here is my story in relation to this: I did indeed come from alcoholic parents, but primarily my father for whatever sick reason did not like me & picked on me. I grew up "scared-to- death" all of the time in public & always wanting to be liked & found many ways, of course, to be successful at that. Although scared-to-death (and naturally introverted) I was born with personality to live life & learn & be involved. So I pushed myself to be perfect of course. My grandmother expected me to be perfect.

At some point in my life, I think I must have healed up to a certain degree. I truly don't care if people like me or not anymore. I have more peace & contentment than I ever had. Oh I worked hard at healing myself -- therapy, prayer groups, meditation, yoga, religion, massage, chiro. And I know it all really helped on my journey of healing emotionally.

Sometimes I think though that living life & surviving potential loss or loss, and looking at our accomplishments, in my case seeing my children turn out to be so strong & healthy, has healed also. "Time", or for the spiritual, "All things work together for good for those who love the Lord" (substitute God, Higher Being, Spirit, Light, Goddess, Holy Mother..whatever is meaningful).

As a young child & even adult I had stomach problems & vomit & perspiration etc when fear would hit me. We didn't use to call it a clinical anxiety disorder & get medication for it. And it would hit me "all" of the time. (Go for the drink to calm down as I learned as a young adult). Later as a working mother I had severe migraines weekly, then daily. Go for the pain pill.

Now I am surprised at my self-confidence & level of relaxation in public or at work. Only rarely have that panic attack and rarely a headache (except as a hangover). Let me tell you those are nothing compared to migraines.

I can't put my finger on why I am comfortable in my own skin now. Too bad it took so long. Life sure is a journey.

To my sisters here...wish I had the answers to make your pain go away...all I can think of is..continue your journey and quest of healing .. of realizing your personal legend. (I reread The Alchemist recently loved it.)

Namaste'
Chrysalis

**Guest** · July 12, 2006, 02:15 PM

People pleasing

Re: People Pleasing

lori,
This one I had to reply to. I think down deep every person at some level is happiest when they are serving others at some level. I honestly feel that is how we are wired. Think about what makes you the happiest. What in life gives you the most joy. For me personally I am happiest when I am doing something for someone else, or helping others. I think that is why this board brings so many people so much job because we all get a feeling that we are helping someone. In my huimble opinion , I bellieve this is how God intended it to be. The problem may come in when others who are not properly wired, take advandtage and seize the opportunity and make you feel guilty if you don't do what they would like you to do, or what they expect, or possibly they get angry. They show little regard tfor your feelings whatsoever.
I think as we get older, and wiser we learn how to better manage who & when we serve & help. I know it took me years in my personal relationship to draw boundaries and my family has really never recovered. My husband still wonders what happened to the wife he married. But honestly that person was miserable, and would be dead if she hadn't changed. I would be vaccumming the house at midnight, just to make him happy. Working full time, raising a family, and married to a very tradional old style southern man who I have waited on hand & foot since day one. That is just the way it is and has always been. My mother did it, I did it UNTIL one day when I just couldnt do it any more, and I reached a point when enough was enough. Too long of a story for now, but trust me. You know when you know.
Things are completely different now. I am a different person. My husband still wishes he had his old wife back. She will never be back. He shops, he cooks, he helps clean, he helps with the kids . The way it should have been all along. It was a complete 360 for him. There are days I feel completely guilty. But I have a great support system, (the memories of how miserable I used to be). And a good program I purchased "Midwest Center for Stress & Anxiety". It was extremely expensive. I actually bought it off an infomercial. It helped quite a bit. It taught cognitive behavioral change. And oh my oh my, does it ever adress "People Pleasers".
There is a website if anyone is interested. I can't whole heartedly recommend it, only because of the cost. If it were less expensive I would. It was over $500.00 for a set of CD's. I honestly think they are overpriced, however if money is of no concern , than by all means get it.

Didnt mean to write a book, but I so related to this topic.
I am 49 years old, and I honestly believe that as you get older you do get a grip on this. Or at least you are better at it.

Take care
Syd

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