ONE more time - my journal

[sunshine_gg]

God, I've been here so many times - it's getting so incredibly boring and ridiculous. Please view this as a warning - if you're intent on reading this

The main purpose is for me to REMEMBER what it's like - drunk, out of control, miserable, anxious, doing irresponsible, dangerous things, etc. I'm just over 2 weeks into this quit and the horror of what happened 2 weeks ago has nicely faded. That scares me.

I'm sick of this shit and I've given up beating around the bush. I'm an alcoholic. No ifs or buts. I can dress it up as pretty as I want but at the end of the day, I can't stay sober (for more than a few months) on my own. Therefore, I am now seeking help at AA.

Until now, I really wasn't willing to 'do what it takes'. This time, I am. I will do whatever it takes. I am doing it. And I don't want to forget the utter devastation from 2 weeks ago.

I came to (I really don't think 'woke up' would be appropriate) in the middle of the night with (very) dim recollection of my truck in the ditch.. my partner coming home and (I think?) sending me to bed (well, actually, I slept downstairs on the couch). My mouth was dry, I was hyper ventilating on and off, utterly panic stricken. I only got up after my partner had left for work - I could not face him. I went to see if I couldn't get my truck out of its predicament, and froze when I saw how close I had come to causing really serious damage. I was inches away from both, my company sign (rock sign) and the hydro post. There were 2 people I thought I could call - one of them was home and did indeed come and pull me out. Thankfully, the truck itself wasn't damaged. Other than the front bumper.

After the utter relief I started to realize how sore I was. Why? I had a huge bruise on my arm, on both my legs? What from? What happened? I still have no idea.

I need to remember this, always. This (and possibly worse) is what happens when I drink.

[Caper]

ONE more time - my journal

Sunshiine... can I join you here? I guess maybe I'm gravitating to your post because your are obviously a horse woman. I was too until my last old Arab died in 2000. In any case, I can relate to what you're currently experiencing... and fighting... the reality is frightening, isn't it? I've had similar ugly experiences to what you did after your accident with the truck.... So what do we do next? Your tag line says you've been sober since 10/24/13. True or just not updated? How can we help each other?

[sunshine_gg]

ONE more time - my journal

Hi Caper!
Yep, definitely a horse woman, here And, I have a 27-year old Arab/QH myself.

My sober date is correct.. it's just over 2 weeks now.

Join away... we're all pretty much in the same boat. Some of us get it sooner, others later. Clearly, I'm a slow learner. I truly believe that sharing and being honest is the ticket to getting through this. I intend to be brutally honest (for myself) - feel free to share as much or as little as you can stand

[NoraC]

ONE more time - my journal

GG - I think it's an excellent idea for you to do this. I'm still fighting the beast but I know that being brutally honest in my journal is good for me. It sounds like you are really ready to do this. :l:l

[Solitaire]

ONE more time - my journal

Sunny, it is a honour to be on this journey with you.
My story is not different from the next person's!
When I hit my rock bottom, and there were no real rocks involved , I became willing to do ANYTHING to quit drinking.
About 4 months into sobriety, I had a light-bulb moment:
I am a good person with so many good traits, AS LONG AS I DON'T DRINK!
When I accepted that I am as powerless over my addiction as I am over the weather, other people's opinions of me, the stock market, etc., it finally made sense.

This helped me:

1.What is an alcoholic?
2.Why does an alcoholic drink?
3.Am I an alcoholic? How do I know this?
4.What do I think will keep me sober?
5.What does the word powerlessness mean to me?
6.What does the word unmanageable mean to me?
7.Am I able to admit and believe, in my innermost heart, that I am powerless over alcohol?
8.Can I identify alcohol a poison rather than as a beverage for myself?
9.Do I have a sincere desire to stop drinking? Why now?
10.Am I ready for absolute honesty? Why now?
11.Have I accepted that I am an alcoholic? What led to this Acceptance?
12.Am I sincerely committed to abstinence?
13.What does abstinence mean for / to me?
14.How am I making it my business to understand how alcohol affects me?
15.Am I a patient or a victim?
16.Why must I view alcohol as a fatal and incurable disease affecting mind, body & spirit?
17.What was my rock bottom and why is it critical to my success?
18.Why must I never forget my last drink and why is this important to my success?

One day at a time... Just for today, I will not have a drink

Hugs,
Sol xxx

[acadiaofmaine]

ONE more time - my journal

Sunshine,

Amazing and painful post. How much of this I can relate to! You sound very firm in your convictions that this is IT, and I admire you for that. Greatly. Please keep posting as often as you can so we can support you in this journey.

It IS scary to see the horrors we created kind of fade away. I have had many moments that should have been my rock bottom, but somehow got rationalized away. Memories fade, especially when they aren't clear to begin with.

I am very interested in your foray into AA. There is a meeting near me at noon, several days/week. I have lurked out side, like I used to lurk here. I just haven't had the guts to go inside. Why? I am not sure. Please post how it is for you and how it helps (or doesn't).

I think you and I have both been on the boards here for quite some time. Let's really do it this time!

Ann

[paulywogg]

ONE more time - my journal

Glad you started this journal,we just gotta quit and STAY quit! i wish you the best

[peaceseeker]

ONE more time - my journal

Just For Today

BRRR! Chilly Morning in Maine, USA today. Thank you for your post GG, it reminds me that I can't drink in safety today. It is the reason I am posting today.
Sol, your post had lots of reminders for me but one that sticks out is that I am POWERLESS over people, places and things.
Caper, your post reminded me that when we try to do this alone and isolated it can be frightening but TOGETHER we can accomplish anything.
Nora, your post reminded me that when I could finally get honest about my drinking and where it took me I could do something about it (when I can put a name on something I can change it)
Ann, your post reminded me of the first (seems like hundred) years I spent doing the hokey pokey in and out of the AA program and the last 10 months of sobriety I spent staying IN IT really doing the deal and really living a day at a time (12:00 meeting sounds great!).


I am so grateful for this site, and all of you! Thank you for being here.

I left my Insanity at the door on January 2, 2013

[acadiaofmaine]

ONE more time - my journal

Hi Peaceseeker,

I don't know you but I love your tag line. Insanity. Yup!

I grew up in Maine, hence my AcadiaofMaine! I miss it terribly, having been in NY for a zillion years. I'll bet it's cold there.

Yeah, a noon time meeting is pretty ideal. I work from home and the meeting is 3 blocks away! I am confused by the different types of meetings, I see Open Discussion and one that focuses on Long Term Sobriety. Then there are (in other locations) Closed Meetings, Step Meetings...how does anyone know which ones to attend? All of the abbreviations are confusing. Any thoughts? I have never attended one.

I'm going to remember that. Insanity left at the door!

Ann

[peaceseeker]

ONE more time - my journal

Giddy Up!

Hi Ann

It is great to hear that you are interested in at least trying any meeting. Go to one and pick up a meeting list. Ask questions, people at meetings want to help. There is also a web site (Alcoholics Anonymous :) that explains each meeting and what you can expect to hear there. I just went. I couldn't take it anymore. I was a falling down, puking, drunk and knew there had to be a better way.
This site was where I found hope as well. I asked my doctor about Topamax and it worked for me. I logged on whenever I had a spare moment during my day to read peoples experiences to remind me that I can't drink no matter what my mind tells me! Just for today of course.
What ultimately happened for me was this: One day after a particularly horrible but "normal" night of drinking with that unquenchable thirst alcoholics seem to have, I looked in the bathroom mirror (not something I could do often). For a split second, my insanity had left the room and I could see the woman I had become. It was not a pretty sight to say the least. I went to a meeting that night and sat in the front row because I decided people wouldn't be able to see me when they came in. I was pretty foggy but I just kept going back. I had to at least give myself a chance and the people there told me I was worth it. Didn't hear to much of that from my cats whom I was left drinking with in the end with the shades pulled down in my living room (though I have a sneaky suspicion if they COULD speak they WOULD have told me I WAS WORTH IT). :H

[RingingCedars]

ONE more time - my journal

Great idea to journal GG and some great posts.
I think the more we are brutally honest the harder it is to go backwards.
Best wishes to all on their journey.

[acadiaofmaine]

ONE more time - my journal

PeaceSeeker,

I drank with my cats, too. They never seemed to care, and the rest of my family didn't seem to notice. Good grief, I was rarely completely sober! My son commented that there was never wine any more in the fridge. That's because I kept my open ones under my bed!

Anyway, I will try a meeting next week. Scared.

Hope you are all having a good day! It's chilly here in NY, but I did my morning run and am now eating a healthy poached egg. Historically I would have had a couple of glasses of wine by now!

Ann

[sunshine_gg]

ONE more time - my journal

Wow, thank you all for jumping in and sharing!

Sol, I'm going to copy/paste your list and start answering those questions. Thank you so much for that.

Ann... I was scared, too. I just picked the next meeting, which happened to be on a Friday night. It is an OD (Open discussion) group. Each group may do things a little differently; this one passes around a cup with popsicle sticks - each stick has a word or phrase written on it. If you feel so inclined (you are never forced to speak, although it is a good idea to at least introduce yourself and then pass), you may share your thoughts on the word or phrase you picked.

The Monday night meeting (different group - also open) is a 12 and 12 meeting. People take turns reading paragraphs from the 12 Traditions and afterwards, anyone who feels so inclined (again, you don't HAVE to) may share their thoughts on what was read.

The 3rd meeting I want to stick with, is a women's only group. The name/title is 'A woman's way through the 12 steps', based on a book written by Stephanie S. Covington (an M.D.).

My experience as a whole was/is very positive. I prefer the women's group and Monday evening meeting, as they are a bit smaller and have more women attending... I just find it less intimidating, more comfortable.

As of last night, I have a sponsor. A lovely lady who just seems so positive, gentle, and wise.. I very much look forward to start working through the steps with her guidance.

Pauly - it was actually your journal, that prompted me to start my own - thank you!
Peace - you are TOTALLY worth it. Funny, actually, a young lady who currently stays at the women's shelter in town (close to my home) and whom I have been picking up and dropping off, gave me an extra copy she had of the 12 Traditions. In it, she wrote:

'From your friend xxx, who knows you're worth it'

Hiyas RC! I know you are no stranger to honesty! :l

[sunshine_gg]

ONE more time - my journal

Sol's questionnaire
[list type=decimal][*]What is an alcoholic?
Someone, who can not enjoy A drink. Who cannot stop at one or two. Who drinks in isolation. Who plans her life around alcohol, drinking, disposing of empty bottles. Me.[*]Why does an alcoholic drink?
Because she is alcoholic. Because she no longer has healthy coping mechanisms.[*]Am I an alcoholic? How do I know this?
Yes. I do all of the above. I tried to 'control' my drinking. I was unsuccessful.[*]What do I think will keep me sober?
Vigilance. Learning. Seeking help and support. Changing my way to live/look at life.[*]What does the word powerlessness mean to me?
That I am unable to do what I set out, despite my best efforts and intentions.[*]What does the word unmanageable mean to me?
Living a lie. Projecting a sane person on the outside, while falling to pieces on the inside. Not being able to remember events or my actions while I was drinking. Having to deal with paralysing anxiety - only after drinking.[*]Am I able to admit and believe, in my innermost heart, that I am powerless over alcohol?
Yes. I've proven it over and over.[*]Can I identify alcohol a poison rather than as a beverage for myself?
Yes. It is a substance that will destroy me, if allowed in my life.[*]Do I have a sincere desire to stop drinking? Why now?
I do. I did previously, too. I am willing to take different steps now because I went as far down the rabbit hole as I'm willing to go. I drove. I could have killed someone.[*]Am I ready for absolute honesty? Why now?
I hope so. See above. Rabbit hole.Have I accepted that I am an alcoholic? What led to this Acceptance?
Yes. Countless failed attempts at being 'normal'.Am I sincerely committed to abstinence?Yes. 100%.What does abstinence mean for / to me?
Don't touch that first drink. Ever.How am I making it my business to understand how alcohol affects me?
Reading. Learning. Remembering.Am I a patient or a victim?
A patient. But mostly an idiot. I knew about alcoholism (my dad) and fell into the trap, none the less.Why must I view alcohol as a fatal and incurable disease affecting mind, body & spirit?
Because it is. It destroys ones self esteem, ones ability to experience real emotions, and eventually ones body.What was my rock bottom and why is it critical to my success?
Driving - not just impaired, but out of my mind drunk. I am not that person. I will never be that person again.Why must I never forget my last drink and why is this important to my success?
If I forget, or rationalize - I will repeat.[/list type=decimal]

[acadiaofmaine]

ONE more time - my journal

Sunshine,

Thank you so much for the encouragement. I give it a whirl! Seems stupid to not even try when it's so close.

That questionnaire is awesome and your answers even better. Thank you for sharing it all. I am going to cut and paste it into a folder I can easily access every day!

Ann