FIREWATER -N- MY Rearview Mirror -A Journal

[spiritwolf333]

FIREWATER -N- MY Rearview Mirror -A Journal

Do any of us have what it really takes to be sober for the long haul? Just a thought.

[Jazi's Mum]

FIREWATER -N- MY Rearview Mirror -A Journal

Good question, spirit. And a very scary one for lots of people. I have been sober for more than 5 years at one time but did nothing to stop my psychological addiction. The physical part went very quickly but in my head I always wanted to drink. I just didn't.

Frankly the only reason I have any hope at all is because I know the drugs I take now (bac) and will be taking next week (nal) will help. They will do this because they will buy me TIME. Sober time, and anti-craving time so I can work on the psychological stuff. And I do mean WORK. It's never enough to say yeah, I had a lousy childhood. You've got to figure it out, and change the present - no matter what triggers from that past pop up - and they will.

JMum

[vynan]

FIREWATER -N- MY Rearview Mirror -A Journal

Amazing work spirit wolf

Keep it up...

Vy

[spiritwolf333]

FIREWATER -N- MY Rearview Mirror -A Journal

Funny How All This Works

Thank all of you that have posted comments and/or just read this thread.

The support on this website has been an incredible asset for me in my path to trying to re-create my life; from a life of final alcoholic demoralization to the one now of every day hope and excitement. Soooo many things that I use to think were "problems", I only consider to challenges now -if even that. And yes, I still have the everyday "challenges/problems" of life, but my approach to these and my outlook on life is totally different than it was about a year ago.

Although I am one not to track actual days of living sobriety, I do have to admit that I am a closet "counter" of days. I recently made a post about this on another thread and it was a great reminder to me. I try not to think about actual days of contented sobriety because this most recent "sober" time needed to be my last attempt. I once told some that I appreciated the thought someone else had given me and they said: "SW, I know that I have got one more good drunk left in me, but I don't know if I have another recovery". This one thought has never left my memory.

All this said, I am fast approaching 1 year sober -living sober (end of march). I don't know how many days that is but the one thing that I do know is that is damn near One Year. Someone asked me the other day if those were days in a row? Great question I thought and then replied "NO". For the most part all days have been sober days, and just for me, that is what counts -Freedom From Alcohol. And in a big way, thanks to Baclofen for this new road I now travel.

Again, thank you all for reading and/or posting. I learn from all feedback and posts (when I have an open mind -lol) -negative or positive.

[lucky 2.0]

FIREWATER -N- MY Rearview Mirror -A Journal

SW,

I have enjoyed reading your posts and want to congratulate you on your milestone! Thanks for sharing with us.

I have not heard alcohol be referred to was "fire water" and I will have to remember that.

I also like your BW tagline and know it to be so true.

And finally, I love your avatar of your basset hound. Dogs are such a joy.

[spiritwolf333]

FIREWATER -N- MY Rearview Mirror -A Journal

vynan;1619461 wrote: Amazing work spirit wolf

Keep it up...

Vy
Thank you Vynan for the encouragement.
SW

lucky 2.0;1630510 wrote: SW,

I have enjoyed reading your posts and want to congratulate you on your milestone! Thanks for sharing with us.

I have not heard alcohol be referred to was "fire water" and I will have to remember that.

I also like your BW tagline and know it to be so true.

And finally, I love your avatar of your basset hound. Dogs are such a joy.

[I][B]Wow Lucky -than you for the feedback. Extreme encouragement!!!!

And Lucky, regarding the term "Fire Water"; this was a term used by Native Americans for alcohol. Now, when I first heard the term, I knew exactly what they were talking about without having had any formal knowledge thereof. But it fit for me because alcohol started out as alcohol but then eventually it turned to "Fire Water" later in years. Some say the name originated from the fact that the alcohol would initially burn the throat as it was going down -a truism.

I call alcohol Fire Water because my very first taste of alcohol was whiskey (at age 10) and it burnt bad going down and going out. Funny thing is I have never drank liquor since that time except maybe a drink or two of Georgia moonshine. As you probably already know, alcohol eventually burns the life out of the many who consume/become addicted. But the water referred to has no effect on grease (alcohol) fire.

Flash, my Hound, has been an integral part of my recovery and a major source of aggravation. Hey, maybe he is getting even with me for all those times I was drunk and paid him no attention? If I did not love him so much, I would sometimes choose to kill him -lol.

[Jazi's Mum]

FIREWATER -N- MY Rearview Mirror -A Journal

Yes, dogs are wonderful but we would cheerfully put them down sometimes!! Our Molly has started to whine when she wants to play - drives us nuts. She is very spoilt - not by me!! but she gets patted and played with constantly by her "dad" and that's not good for any dog.

But when I look into her beautiful brown eyes and pat her shiny black head, and fondle her silky ears - it's all worth it!! I can see why they bring dogs into nursing homes and hospitals - great therapy!

[spiritwolf333]

FIREWATER -N- MY Rearview Mirror -A Journal

j-vo;1602218 wrote: Spirit, thanks for starting a gratitude thread. And what a wonderful post. I'm happy for you and that you've received this gift.

I am grateful to this site as well. I came here back in 2008 I think, and have tried every method in the book. I finally have found some peace of mind, strong support and mentors, and a belief in myself. The most important thing I have found is acceptance, which I'm most grateful for. I have accepted who I am, a person who cannot drink. Thank you MWO!

j-vo -I want to thank you giving me the idea to start the gratitude thread.

The peace of mind and belief in yourself -that you speak is inspiring. Thanks for the post and thank again for the gratitude idea.

[spiritwolf333]

FIREWATER -N- MY Rearview Mirror -A Journal

Well, here I am -fast approaching 12 months contented sobriety. I have never really completed a year of "real" sobriety. Since I was 15 to 16 years old, all that I knew was the fact that alcohol could help me "change" the way that I feel. It could change the way that I perceived my world.

I remember those times in my early-late teens and twenties when I was able to control my drinking. At that time, drinking was only something to do on a weekend or two per month. I don't ever recall feeling "good" the morning after having drank the night before. I further remember not being able to understand how people could not control their drinking. It just never occurred to me that alcohol could be a "real" problem or so-called disease.

Fast forward to my 30s and early 40s. Alcohol, at that time, had then become a powerful player in my book. At the time, I did not realize or want to accept that alcohol had become so important to me. I was busy with my wife raising three boys, working, and... At that time, I could still take or leave alcohol, but given the choice I would take the alcohol.

The strange thing about my drinking during those years was the fact that I never experienced any outside negative consequences. I was able to provide well for my wife and kids. We did all the things that families do together (vacations, sports, etc.)

In my thirties to forties, the true cost of my alcoholism did not come in the form of vehicle violations, harm to others, etc. No, the real cost came in the form of not really being there with my kids as they grew into young adults. The Firewater never really allowed me to feel like a true participant in their growing years. I was there with them but I was not really "all" there. If you are an alcoholic, you may understand what I am trying to say.

In my mid forties, alcohol had settled in and was then ruling my life. Before getting help, I was drinking from sun up to lights out. I vividly remember asking myself what the hell has happened. How could it possibly be that I am now under the total control of Firewater. Guilt and shame started piling on top of my already demoralized self. I kept drinking to not feel this pain. I would look into the mirror and into my eyes and see a kind of sadness that I can't describe.

Late forties. Alcohol pain had then grown to an almost unbearable stage. No longer able to juggle all that was going on in my life, I surrendered and accepted the fact that alcohol owned me and controlled me and I was in real trouble. My wife and grown kids helped find me place to begin my "real" journey to recovery and peace of mind.

Again, here I am in my early 50s and holding. Almost 1 year has passed and do not have an interest in alcohol being in my brain or body. Are there times when I would like to change the way that I feel -yes, of course. Alcohol is just not option anymore to do this changing..

For me, it is only because of the medication "baclofen" that I have been able to make headway this abstinent go around.

Just by writing these words, I feel ever more closer to not wanting to drink Firewater. But I will not fool myself this time. There are still times when I "think" just "one" could sure help me out. But one would never be enough.

For now,
SW

[little beagle]

FIREWATER -N- MY Rearview Mirror -A Journal

Spirit I know what you mean. My addictive mind tries to convince me that just one will be ok. But I know that there is no thing as just one.
I too am sure that I have a good drunk left in me but I really don't know if I could stop agsin. That is what keeps me from not drinking.
I want to tell you that I admire the work you do here. You are an inspiration to me. I often think of you in times of trial. And thinking of Flash makes me smile.
Thank you SW.:thanks:

[frances]

FIREWATER -N- MY Rearview Mirror -A Journal

Good for you Spiritwolf! And thank you for sharing your story. It is a good lesson to see how alcohol can creep up on you like that and get such control.

I just had a talk this evening with a friend who had nearly 5 years alcohol free. Over the past couple of years she has mentioned how she just wishes she could have a drink, how she thinks she can control it now, etc. - she seemed to realize she was fooling herself but I guess not. She is now drinking again and steadily (she admits it herself) heading to where she was when she stopped before. I didn't know her then but she said she was a mess. She is drinking, mostly when she is alone - her husband does not drink. She is drinking more often and more quantity than she thought she was going to do when she gave in. She admitted that she sees herself back where she was within a month or two if she doesn't stop. It is eye opening. She seems to be ready to stop. I hope she does. She was mad and sad. Just goes to show...nearly 5 years and within about a month back drinking now she's going straight back where it had taken her years to get to before.

[little beagle]

FIREWATER -N- MY Rearview Mirror -A Journal

Someone on here said addiction is like riding a bike. The brain never forgets how its done.

[spiritwolf333]

FIREWATER -N- MY Rearview Mirror -A Journal

frances;1637625 wrote: Good for you Spiritwolf! And thank you for sharing your story. It is a good lesson to see how alcohol can creep up on you like that and get such control.

I just had a talk this evening with a friend who had nearly 5 years alcohol free. Over the past couple of years she has mentioned how she just wishes she could have a drink, how she thinks she can control it now, etc. - she seemed to realize she was fooling herself but I guess not. She is now drinking again and steadily (she admits it herself) heading to where she was when she stopped before. I didn't know her then but she said she was a mess. She is drinking, mostly when she is alone - her husband does not drink. She is drinking more often and more quantity than she thought she was going to do when she gave in. She admitted that she sees herself back where she was within a month or two if she doesn't stop. It is eye opening. She seems to be ready to stop. I hope she does. She was mad and sad. Just goes to show...nearly 5 years and within about a month back drinking now she's going straight back where it had taken her years to get to before.
Frances, there is a group (no longer a member), that truly does have one thing right: "Firewater is Cunning, Baffling, and Powerful" -beyond the brain's ability to know or understand. I hope your friend has "one more recovery". Sincerely.

little beagle;1637616 wrote: Spirit I know what you mean. My addictive mind tries to convince me that just one will be ok. But I know that there is no thing as just one.
I too am sure that I have a good drunk left in me but I really don't know if I could stop agsin. That is what keeps me from not drinking.
I want to tell you that I admire the work you do here. You are an inspiration to me. I often think of you in times of trial. And thinking of Flash makes me smile.
Thank you SW.:thanks:

LB -that addictive mind we both speak about; Well, I have to believe that it has something to with an inborn dopamine requirement to stabilize the brain and body. I am not trying to make excuses. WHAT HUMAN WOULD CHOOSE TO LIVE IN THE PAIN OF AN ALCOHOLIC? lol -But I do think it is true.

And LB, the inspiration road is a two way street. Posts like yours help me to think that, in helping myself, I am at least helping a few others. Flash and LB have got to join paws one day and discuss the alky problems of their keepers. LOL

[skullbabyland]

FIREWATER -N- MY Rearview Mirror -A Journal

Spirit, I'm so happy for you that, after so many years, you're now a year free of alcoholic drinking. What an amazing blessing that is after so many years of alcoholic hell- I speak from the same experience, my friend.

Alcohol is truly cunning and patient, and never really goes away- it is ever in the shadows, waiting for us to lower our guard. Yes, it could feel "nice" to enjoy "one drink". But the 12 drinks that will surely follow will smash us to the ground for hours/days after.

I sometimes still entertain drinking thoughts, but then I counter it with advice you gave me early on that's stuck with me- and that is to remember how I feel after- sick, anxious, depressed.

We have to make sure our armor is always strong-- with which to best protect ourselves.

Anyway, just random thoughts... I'm so happy for you that you've found the way to be AF, and can be present in your family's life now. Keep up the great work sir and continue living fully and well.

[spiritwolf333]

FIREWATER -N- MY Rearview Mirror -A Journal

skullbabyland;1638184 wrote: Spirit, I'm so happy for you that, after so many years, you're now a year free of alcoholic drinking. What an amazing blessing that is after so many years of alcoholic hell- I speak from the same experience, my friend.

Alcohol is truly cunning and patient, and never really goes away- it is ever in the shadows, waiting for us to lower our guard. Yes, it could feel "nice" to enjoy "one drink". But the 12 drinks that will surely follow will smash us to the ground for hours/days after.

I sometimes still entertain drinking thoughts, but then I counter it with advice you gave me early on that's stuck with me- and that is to remember how I feel after- sick, anxious, depressed.

We have to make sure our armor is always strong-- with which to best protect ourselves.

Anyway, just random thoughts... I'm so happy for you that you've found the way to be AF, and can be present in your family's life now. Keep up the great work sir and continue living fully and well.

Skull -these really are great thoughts. Thank you.

I can now only speak from my experience -nothing else. I am 50+ in age and have had many attempts at becoming alcohol free. This time around, with the help of baclofen, I almost have a year. I hope that I am continually able to remind myself that "me" and Firewater have no room for each other. Just damn, how much more alcohol pain could I take before you planted me 6' under?

This was never "suppose" to be me. An "alcoholic"? Not me. Others, yes. But not me.

To my point. I don't ever really see a time in my life that I won't somehow think of alcohol.

No, I no longer go through each day thinking about the drink in morning or the drink in the afternoon, but I still think about alcohol. When I see someone else drinking, I wonder if that will be just one or one of many. When I see someone buy beer in the morning, I wonder if they are about to start then, or is that for later in the day. I just don't really ever see that brain programming ever going away. All that I can know now is that my brain does not say "SW -it is time to drink".

The thought of alcohol will never leave the mind of an alcoholic -or at least, this is my opinion. So, I just go with the flow and ACCEPT this to be a fact for me.