aannnnddd........... i'm back in the room.

[roxane]

aannnnddd........... i'm back in the room.

drinking has become part of the daily routine, so its not just the addiction but habit as well if that makes sense.

i have all sorts of herbal teas and decaff tea and coffee. luckily i like them. i have some herbal calming pill if the angtsy feeling hits. i have netflix and stuff. i have the toolbox to refer to and other threads on here. and im trying to post outside of this thread.

i'm trying, i really am!!!

[available]

aannnnddd........... i'm back in the room.

yes totally understand, i had a habit that grew for 20 years and fark it was hard to break, stopping was fine, habit was horrendous to break but after the first 7 days you feel as if you have finally achieved something by not drinking on the weekend if that makes sense. Not sure why i thought i deserved a drink on a weekend when i drank Monday to Friday anyways.

[roxane]

aannnnddd........... i'm back in the room.

that made me lol!

and thats me to a tee. 20 odd years almost everyday is one hell of a habit.

[DreamThinkDo]

aannnnddd........... i'm back in the room.

Been there, done that, Roxy - but habits can be broken. Make today an AF one, ok?

[red67]

aannnnddd........... i'm back in the room.

Hey Roxy, the habit/routine is very hard to break. When I quit I cooked big meals everynight for weeks. Yes, I had tons of leftovers and wasted lots of food (spent less on the food I wasted than on the alcohol I would have bought though). But it broke me of the nightly habit of coming home from work and drinking til I passed out. On the weekends I slept and cleaned and cooked. Once you make a full week you start to realize you can do this. I know it's hard but also as the others posted, post and read here. I stuck to the site like glue in the first couple months I got sober. It was my lifeline when I felt unsure.

What kind of things can you do to fill the time you would normally drink? I kept it simple and stuck with the same thing every night (cooking).

Hope you feel better today and lets get a fresh start this week:l

[roxane]

aannnnddd........... i'm back in the room.

I said I was trying, well that was untrue. I didn't try.

I need to remember my cbt training. Oh, that has reminded me why I walked into the dining room where I keep stuff, my cbt papers. I forgot what I went in there for.

Failed today, but I knew that would happen. Ggrrrrrrr.

[roxane]

aannnnddd........... i'm back in the room.

To answer you red, I'm not that interested in food. All the harder to be when I'm on my own.
Cleaning on the other hand..... It used to be my go to when annoyed/stressed/unhappy, but that seems to have stopped.
I did some cleaning last week when I was not drinking, the results made me happy. Little things and all that.....

[roxane]

aannnnddd........... i'm back in the room.

I think maybe I'm a rarity as I don't drunk call/text/Facebook/mwo, but I'm making an exception here.
This is my accountability thread.
I need to read this back and see me for what I am (hopefully what I was as a reminder not to go back there).

I get so fucking frustrated with myself. If I try at something and can't get the hang of it, I try again. And again. I don't give up, I try a different way, take a break and think about what's wrong.. See that I am progressing even if only slightly, it's in the right direction. I understand that I can't be good at everything I try.

I like to be in control, hate loosing it.
Drinking is loosing control, except I do it in a most controlled way, wtf?

[red67]

aannnnddd........... i'm back in the room.

Ok so how about reading, playing video games, watching tv or movies, knitting? It is pretty much just me and my cat most nights so I know about boredom, depression and loneliness. But you are going to have to push thru and find something to break up the habit/routine.

Do you have an activity that you like to do? Our schools here have community classes at night (excercise, crafting, cooking, computers etc). Does your area have anything like that?

You gotta really want to make changes and put work into it, but I promise you it is so much better than the daily hell of drinking and hangovers.

[roxane]

aannnnddd........... i'm back in the room.

I'm not sociable red, walking into classes has me getting anxious. I did it before years ago, bit the bullet and left me feeling even more isolated.

I do want to make changes, I will make changes, I have to make changes.

I'm just having a pity party tonight, sorry.

[red67]

aannnnddd........... i'm back in the room.

roxane;1622324 wrote: I think maybe I'm a rarity as I don't drunk call/text/Facebook/mwo, but I'm making an exception here.
This is my accountability thread.
I need to read this back and see me for what I am (hopefully what I was as a reminder not to go back there).

I get so fucking frustrated with myself. If I try at something and can't get the hang of it, I try again. And again. I don't give up, I try a different way, take a break and think about what's wrong.. See that I am progressing even if only slightly, it's in the right direction. I understand that I can't be good at everything I try.

I like to be in control, hate loosing it.
Drinking is loosing control, except I do it in a most controlled way, wtf?

OK so if I am reading this right, you are writing this while/after you have been drinking. I can tell you from my own experience, the self loathing was the absolute worst when I was drinking. I would right things down, how I felt about myself and my drinking so I could come back and read it when I was sober (that short period of time between hungover and drunk). Man did I hate myself. I could never imagine saying or feeling those things about another person no matter what stage of addiction they were in.

What I am trying to say is you are not the person you think you are when you are drinking. Be kind to yourself, you need to know you are worth getting sober for.

[roxane]

aannnnddd........... i'm back in the room.

I'm not doing it to hate myself (let's not go there) no point in that, but sometimes having a mirror in your face is a reality check.

I 'know I'm worth it', but as you know, it's hard. But I'll keep trying.

I have dug out my cbt papers and they are perfect for writing down triggers and to objectify them.

Thanks for caring, it helps to know.

[available]

aannnnddd........... i'm back in the room.

Hey Rox how is that day one going? I can totally relate to what you have posted. I am not a going out person, i go to work and am out ten hours a day so i like my four walls.

I hated myself when i was drinking, waking up and looking in the mirror every morning at the person that i was. Trying to get through the day to get to 5.15 to drink again and again and again.

The only one i was hurting was myself and my 4 children and the children were pushing me away the more i drank. I cant say i blame them, i was a drunk, i tried to be normal but i was not.

Now after 9 weeks i am repairing that relationship with them, they are my world, the reason i get up, the reason i am here. For them i will never ever drink again. So we all need a reason not to drink but i am doing it for myself as well. God life is good sober, hard to imagine but it is wonderful.

[red67]

aannnnddd........... i'm back in the room.

roxane;1622329 wrote: I'm not doing it to hate myself (let's not go there) no point in that, but sometimes having a mirror in your face is a reality check.

I 'know I'm worth it', but as you know, it's hard. But I'll keep trying.

I have dug out my cbt papers and they are perfect for writing down triggers and to objectify them.

Thanks for caring, it helps to know.

CBT was a huge help for me (I did it with Smart Recovery). I really liked the approach because it was active steps I could take to change the way I did things.

Are you doing the CBT stuff all by yourself? Do you have a counselor who is guiding you on it?

[roxane]

aannnnddd........... i'm back in the room.

i did a course of it over a year ago for my depression with a counsellor (didnt tell him about my drinking!). i wasnt counselled as such, just the cbt. talking therapy is not available in my district.

he said the door was always open if i needed to see him again but ive lost all contact details.