Another Mess I Made

[momofthree]

Another night....drank too much white wine, blacked out basically. I even managed to delete the chat conversation I had with people so I have no idea what I said but knowing me on wine it's nothing I would ever say sober. It's like I can't keep my mouth shut, I get mouthy and rude. I hate myself right now.

Last night I told a young girl that her Daddy is smoking dope and that she can come live with me because I was worried about her. That conversation went right to her grandparents, to my mother and to me this morning. They knew I was drinking, me with three kids. I should know better, they told me how I was. I never get any support from them anyway, they love to point things out to me. They happen to be right this time, what I said was none of my business, and I had no business telling a young girl that. :upset:

This morning I spent clearing out the evidence of my drinking, including a full unopened bottle of wine that went into the trash as well. I sent an apology to her grandparents, I just hope no one else finds out about it. I'm just ashamed and disappointed in myself. :upset:

[3June2013]

Another Mess I Made

Why not start your quit today? Pour out any booze that's in the house. Stock up on some good healthy foods, alternative drinks. it's tough, but it's worth it!

[momofthree]

Another Mess I Made

I am. I've tried so many times and just keep failing. I have no booze in the house at all after this morning. My fridge is pretty stocked with healthy food anyway, so I've got that covered. Why is it that it's about 3 days later after something like that I start to have drinking thoughts again...after everything I do on it why would I ever want to do it again? But I get the thoughts, sometimes I can white knuckle through it but when I give in I get drunk. I can't just have a drink or two. Am I an alcoholic or a binge drinker? Do you have to drink everyday to be considered an Alcoholic?

[YouKayBee]

Another Mess I Made

momofthree;1622689 wrote: I am. I've tried so many times and just keep failing. I have no booze in the house at all after this morning. My fridge is pretty stocked with healthy food anyway, so I've got that covered. Why is it that it's about 3 days later after something like that I start to have drinking thoughts again...after everything I do on it why would I ever want to do it again? But I get the thoughts, sometimes I can white knuckle through it but when I give in I get drunk. I can't just have a drink or two. Am I an alcoholic or a binge drinker? Do you have to drink everyday to be considered an Alcoholic?

No you do not, it's up to you what your definition of alcoholic is but for me it was the effect alcohol had on me.

I was told by several people, including an alcohol worker that I wasn't an alcoholic because I didn't drink every day, an could exert some control over it.

An alcoholic is someone who when they drink all common sense goes out the window, or as I have said before "you might as well roll the dice".

[Nelz]

Another Mess I Made

From past experience, right NOW will be your easiest time to quit. You can use the shame/guilt that you feel right now as a crutch and a reminder of what you do not want to be.
After that comes the roller coaster of easy/hard/easy hard....but....you can do it~

Might I suggest..really remember all the horrid feelings that you are experiencing at the moment and put them in a mental bottle. And the next time that you feel the urge to drink, and you have to look at a bottle of poison...just recall what that bottle is about to do to you.

Harnessing past mistakes played a huge rule in my recovery.....anytime I feel weak, I just revisit that place I never would have been, if Id never opened that beer(or 20...:H}

[momofthree]

Another Mess I Made

I'm going to do that, I've tried it before and managed to avoid it a few times. I'll just have to really put some thought into it, because I can't keep doing this. The next day really is hell, I just hope and pray that when I get up in the morning I didn't do anything to stupid, or what I may have said which I shouldn't have. I just want to be a normal person, a person who can feel comfortable in their own skin and not drink. I drink to unwind and that goes pear shaped, because there is nothing relaxing about it the next day. It's just stress, and damage control.

[K9Lover]

Another Mess I Made

Mom-
You should try writing down everything you remember saying from last night, NO matter how embarrassing or shameful it is. Then next time you feel like drinking, read it. THAT is what alcohol does to you. Forget any notion that it "relaxes" you or makes you "happy". Read what you wrote and THAT is the truth of alcohol.

Waking up in the morning knowing exactly what you did the night before is the best feeling in the world. No scrambling to do damage control, or piece it all together. It's worth WAY more than any buzz alcohol could ever give you.

You know it gets hard around days 3-4 so make a plan. Leave the house. Go to the movies, shopping, the park, the library. ANYthing to break the routine. Make it through those tough days and the following ones will get easier.

I've been exactly where you are and I know the mental hell that it is. You can get past this. Stick close to us, we can help!

K9

[red67]

Another Mess I Made

Ditto what Nelz and K9 said. My MOST embarrassing night of drinking is what finally gave me to push to get and STAY sober. I used that shame as my catapult. I felt everybit of it and let it penetrate every cell in my body. For me, if I would have tried to cover it up, push it out of my memory or minimize it, I would have never been able to stay sober. As much as I still cringe at the thought of that night, I also appreciate that I had it. Sometimes the deepest shame/wounds are needed in order to bring out the strongest reasons and courage to finally say enough.

[momofthree]

Another Mess I Made

Thank you for all your responses, I really appreciate it immensely. When I got the phone call this morning I didn't make any excuses, I finally just owed up to it. I fucked up, it shouldn't have happened. I'll keep these feelings with me and use them the next time I feel that a glass of wine would be nice. A glass would be nice if I could keep it to a glass, but I'm not fooling myself that I just can't do that. It will have to be 0 for me. My husband does not drink, I am very thankful it's not in my face on a daily basis. Christ I wish this wasn't so hard. I look at my three beautiful girls and..they deserve a good Mom, one that's there for them all the time. Not this.

[3June2013]

Another Mess I Made

My hubby doesn't drink either. I think in hindsight it was after I met him I began to drink more. He was my DD, so I could drink all I wanted whenever I wanted. I thought that when I quit his not being a drinker would help, and in some ways it did, because it wasn't always in my face as you said. But he real didn't understand the addiction. Now he's happy I don't drink but I don't think he will ever know what I went through to get here.

Enough about me. You said it would be nice to be able to have one. Let's face it, that's not reality is it? If we could control our drinking we wouldn't be here in the first place. But let's not go so far ahead, let's start with today. Then tomorrow. And so on. One foot in front of the other. Stick close, we can help you get through each day.

Would you consider talking to your husband about wanting to quit? Coming clean out loud might help you to feel accountable. Up to you, only you know how that would feel.

You are going to feel better and better as the time goes on. Your kids will love having you really there instead of half there. Your mornings will feel fabulous, your body will thank you.

Stick with it, you won't regret it!

Oh and PS, you will find a lot of real time traffic on the newbies nest. In case you need to know someone is here when you are here. Otherwise it's like we leave each other little notes! That can work too!

[shelbysmiles]

Another Mess I Made

Hi Momof3,
I can hear the dread and anxiety in your post. What happened, happened. You can't change the past, but you can learn from. I choose not to label myself an alcoholic. But that's just me. I'm a person that abuses alcohol. I don't always make an ass of myself when I drink. But, everytime I have done stupid, stupid things it was because I was drinking.

You can do this. Not only do your children deserve a sober mom but you deserve to live life without waking in the morning to pure hell and regret.

[Byrdlady]

Another Mess I Made

Hey Mom,
I'm afraid that I do label myself as Alcoholic, because it helps my Addiction Head (Dick Head) understand that for me, ONE drink is poison. As an alkie, I know that AL is the enemy... when I called myself a heavy drinker, I rationalized my way thru that and would say, I just won't drink so much tonight! And so went the cycle. When I finally stopped bullshitting myself about being able to control this, then things actually got easier! Being an alkie in recovery isn't the worst thing in the world! Being one in denial is. And I WAS! I was for a long time, too. I can look in the Tool Box (link below) under the 4 stages of Alcoholism and man, I wish I would have quit when I was in stage 1...or even stage 2!! But I kept saying I wasn't that bad....until I got that bad. This disease is progressive and if left to chance, it will get worse. It takes intervention to stop the cycle. If I can do it, I know you can, too! Please check out the two links below...you are in very good company here. We can help! Byrdie

[Bella]

Another Mess I Made

Hi there Mom. Im a binge drinker..im an alcoholic but i prefer the word problem drinker. Only you know how drink affects you. Put the past behind you now. You have appologised now forget that but learn frm it. New day new start. You can do this. If i can...anyone can. Keep coming here and use the tools. All the best. Bella xxxx

[Pavati]

Another Mess I Made

Hi,

I would listen to Nelz, K9, and Red about remembering this feeling. I got that advice when I first posted here. I wrote it in a journal, and added other thoughts about why I had to quit - my kids, my husband, my job, my health. Not just those words, but exactly in what way my continuing to drink would hurt those things that I most love and need. What if someone had said to your kids, "your mom drinks too much alcohol - I think you should come with me?" I know that sounds harsh, but I wrote all of the harshest things I could think of to myself about my drinking - and by harsh I mean real. If I ever want a drink I can pull out the journal (although so far I haven't had to - the memories are sharp enough), and remember why being sober is so much better than going back there.

Moderate drinking is less than one glass per day for women. Is having one glass really worth all of the pain and torment? Quitting is really not as horrible as I thought it would be - as a matter of fact it is honestly and truly wonderful. It is hard to get over the hump of habit and addiction, but you can do it!

Sorry to ramble, but I think your name and story hit a nerve and made me think of myself. You CAN do this!

[K9Lover]

Another Mess I Made

How are you doing today Mom? Let us know! :l