dementia

[spuddleduck]

im over 2 weeks sober (wehey) and am starting to feel overwhelmed and drinking thoughts are coming thick and fast. my mum is becoming more and more forgetful and getting very down. actually this is one of the reasons I have stayed sober, to help her.
this is only to do with drinking as in my drinking but I wonder if anyone else here has coped with an elderly parent suffering the same. mum has never drank (an occasional glass of something at Christmas) and lived a healthy life. dad died last april and since then she has been on a downhill slope.
thankfully im not working so have been taking her for days out and by the time we get home she hasn't the faintest idea where we have been. she still drives and is capable but forgets where she is going before she gets there and goes home. I live about 8 miles away so I am always on call. the last few weeks she has been getting much worse, hence my sobriety but the last few days I have really struggled. yesterday I got as far as the shop counter with a bottle in hand and turned back and put it on the shelf. I know I have to be there for her.
she is going out with a friend on Saturday so guess what im thinking, yeah, day off, I can drink on Friday night and to hell if I have a hangover and am wasted on Saturday. crazy thinking. as always being sober has been FANTASTIC but it is obviously still lurking in the back of my mind.
we recently sorted out power of attourney to me. yesterday I made her cry. she was carrying over ?1000 in her bag (which she often forgets where she has put it) and I tried to tell her to take it out/ leave it at home/put it back in the bank. in the end I gave up and while she wasn't look it took ?800 out and put it safe. later we were shopping and the bill came to ?50, she didn't think she would have enough to pay, not a clue how much money she was carrying.
If anyone has been in a similar situation any advice on coping would be great. maybe this will be my saviour in stopping drinking but its crazy that I am thinking of drinking the one day I will not be 'on call'. IF ONLY LIFE CAME WITH A MANUAL.... they don't teach you this stuff at school. I have researched stuff on internet but would love to hear if anyone here can relate. thanks

[available]

dementia

Spud i just wanted to pop in and say how proud i am of you keeping sober. The thoughts you are having are just thoughts which wont materialise by Friday. you just wish you were getting drunk but doesnt mean you will. Hey you put that bottle back on the shelf and that must have been one hard mother F***ker thing to do. Its hard dealing with stress sober but you are doing so well now and you know how you will feel if you drink and that is enough to deter most people. This is where your pure grit and determination comes in to not drink and you are sounding so strong. My grandfather had alzheimers years and years ago and i used to go and look after him but i do know it is extremely hard and stressful for the main carer. Make sure you make some you time though and i am sending you a big hug. You know what you want Spud and you have said it a lot in your post for reinforcement and i know you will totally succeed in staying sober. Sending you hugs and do they have support groups of dementia/alzheimers over where you are, they would have a lot of information on dealing with the situation. Let us know how it goes for you. xxxx

[hillsidetime]

dementia

Hey Spud,
I am deeply sorry to hear about what your mother is going through, and what you are going through. I have friends who are going through this with their parents, and it is so complicated, stressful, anxiety and stress creating ... You should really be proud of yourself, for realising that you being sober, are so much more help for you and your Mom.

One thing that I have been reading about, is how there is now a lot of science working on how dementia, may be "diabetes" of the brain. There is a chance that the brain, like muscle cells and other cells in the body, becomes insulin resistant - due to our modernised diet with so much sugar and man made charbohydrates. Remembering that there is so much sugar in alcohol, and the relationship between sugar - insulin resistance - diabetes, may help you find another reason to not want to drink.

I know that you have difficult times ahead. I hope that there is a site on the net, where you can chat with other people going through what you are. Hang in there. You can do it. HOLD FAST against our most cunning enemy, surf those urges, they will pass.

Take care,
Hill

[hart]

dementia

Spuds is there something else you can do Friday or Saturday. Maybe travel to a friend's out of town? Something that will keep you engaged? Go on a daytrip, or something you used to do before drinking? Take a long driving Trip or visit a musuem I don't know you but what do you enjoy. I too am proud of you sobriety under such trying circumstances. Hang in there hon!!!!!

[K9Lover]

dementia

Hi Spuddy :h

I'm so sorry for your mom...and for you as well. I am SOOOO proud of you for staying sober through all of this. Imagine how difficult it would be to deal with if you threw in a hangover day after day. You are strong. I always knew you could do it! I don't have experience or advice as far as your mom, all I can suggest is you try to be patient with her. Know that she is not choosing to be like this, nor is she doing it to make your life difficult. Stick close to us, we may not have the answers, but we're here to listen and give you support.

Love,
K9

[TJAF]

dementia

Spud, my mom is going through the same thing. Its not just hard on all of us its tremendously hard on my mom. She has memory loss not Alzheimer's so she is painfully aware of her forgetfulness. She has great long term memory but her short term memory is non existing. She is in senior living housing but not yet in assisted living. What we found helps is to make sure she stays involved. She gets so much worse when she gets isolated. She has Macular degeneration which has progressed to the point that she can no longer read. We found her short term memory problems became much worse after she lost the ability to read. If you mom still has good eyesight make sure she reads, does the crossword, plays cards etc. unfortunately for my mom the more she lost her eyesight the more reclusive she has become and hence the more pronounced her memory loss has become. It sounds like she is living alone. You may want to consider senior living. The opportunity for her to get socially involved with folks going through the same thing may work wonders. Good luck and congratulations on your sobriety.

[Dottie Belle]

dementia

Spud my dad has Alzheimer's. I had the POA stuff already in place but it is still hard. I had to move him to an Alzheimer's facility. I could not care for him myself. It is 24X7 job. I was not sober when I went through all this and I am sure that made it harder for me to make decisions. There are support groups for families going through this...
Above all staying sober will help u help her and to make the best decisions for everyone.

[FlyAway]

dementia

In 2008 I came home from work one afternoon in September and proceeded to hit the bottle. I hit the vodka so hard that by 5:30 I was passed out on my sofa. Sometime around 7:30 my phone rang and woke me. It was my sister telling me that she was in the emergency room with my 80 year old mother and that Mom was very sick. I hauled my half drunken and groggy ass to the car and went to the hospital. She had a bowel obstruction and emergency surgery the next day. I was there bright and early that morning and stayed until late at night. When I got home I remember declaring to my husband, "I deserve a drink after this!" Yeah right. A drink. To think I'd every have a drink is funny and to think I "deserved it", as if it was a prize or made anything better, was a joke.

I had lots of those "deserving" nights over the next few years as we took care of my mom and watched dementia descend upon her. She had mild dementia before the surgery, but it came on like gang busters afterward. She couldn't be left alone. She couldn't bathe herself. She couldn't go to the bathroom unassisted. She couldn't dress or eat by herself. We tried and tried for a couple years to take care of her on our own, but it is a full time job as someone else said, and I already had a full time job on top of that. When she got to the point where she was falling and breaking bones we had to put her in a nursing home.

The drinking never helped anything, it just temporarily created the illusion that things weren't as hard. But then after drinking things were hard for different reasons. I got to the point where I realized that I didn't want to do it anymore. I didn't want to drink ever again. I felt relief when I realized that I didn't have to do this to myself anymore. I began to look forward to not drinking. Not drinking was freedom. It was truth and I was finally ready to examine what was true. I quit.

In November of 2012 we got the call that Mom had stopped eating and drinking and was almost in a comatose state. I took off work that week and sat with her for 3 days. I talked to her, ran my fingers through her hair, sang songs to her that she sang to me when I was a child, and held her hand. I smiled at her face as I knew she was getting ready to leave. It was such a gift to be there for her, helping her leave the world that she helped deliver me into. On the third day she died. I never once regretted my sobriety. In fact it was a huge gift. Sobriety allowed me to be as fully present for her as I could be. She wasn't always perfect, but neither was I. But I was at my absolute best for her at the end and that's what she deserved. And I wouldn't change a thing.

I bid you peace sweet Spuds. I am here for you. :l

[spuddleduck]

dementia

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR YOUR REPLIES. flyaway, your post made me cry (doing a lot of that). I haven't been posting much lately and feel a bit selfish coming and posting this about me me me, so thank you.
TJAF, that must be so hard for your mum. as you say, my mum is at her best when she is involved. she enjoy coming out with me for short walks with the dog, but can never remember where we have been. thankfully her sight is great, better than mine in fact, but she wont read, I suspect because she cant follow whats going on. ive tried to get her to read short stories in magazines but she flatly refuses (I keep leaving magazines at her house but she gets confused as to why they are there)
im very regretful that when my dad died last april I was pissed as a fart when I got the phone call late at night that he was on the floor and she couldn't get him up. thankfully mr spuds was sober so he drove me there and dealt with everything. I was no use at all and shamefully I went to his drink cupboard and continued to drink his whisky (and I hate whisky). all in all I am ashamed and sad that I couldn't help that night. I really don't want to be drunk if anything should happen to my mum. as I said she still drives, amazingly her driving is still fine though she loses her car when she parks it and I have had the police phone a couple of times when she is wandering around looking for her car.
who knows, maybe this could be the kick up the bum I need to stay sober. K9, maybe I should follow your lead and say ' I love my mum more than alcohol'.
Ive spoken to her doc and although there is no 'official' diagnosis yet he told me she was unlikely to improve. I keep hoping she is still in shock/grieving my dads death but it is nearly a year now so its not looking too good. I have to be prepared for a downhill slide and the one thing I can do to help both her and of course myself is to remain sober. my shame and guilt will multiply if I am not there when she needs me.
I know im in for some tough times ahead and I know that being sober is the one thing I can do to help myself cope physically and mentally. I just need to keep reminding myself of this. this is the longest sober I have been for a long time and although I have had cravings (a couple of near misses), or just want to block things out for a while I have felt great. getting up earlier in the morning and getting loads more done (I have an endless list of things to do so boredom is never an issue for me). I find having a long long bath, reading a good book relaxes me and takes me away so im becoming very wrinkly but very clean.
im away from internet on Friday so I wont be able to check in if I need a kick up the bum but I will print some toolbox pages, along with my thoughts on why I should not drink to help keep my resolve. I think the fact that im aware that I am drinking thinking is giving me time to build up the ammunition against al.
thanks again, I really appreciate the advice and encouragement xx

[spuddleduck]

dementia

I have found an online forum about this and have signed on to it. mywayout is the only forum I have ever been on so its a bit scary but there seems to be a lot of info and advice there. now all I have to do is remember which site im on. don't want to start discussing alcohol and all its woes in the wrong place.

[YouKayBee]

dementia

Good for you re the forum.

I think this is an opportunity for you Spuds.

[mama bear]

dementia

Spuds...not much time, but plenty to say!
I lost my precious father in law (may as well have been my father) on Feb 10th. He suffered from Parkinson's and died at home. We all looked after him and Nana for about 8 months. My son stayed with them during the day.
The last few weeks we took shifts, and the last few days we were all there by his bed. That being said, getting wasted was not even an option. It crossed my mind, but I was needed. Those who know me well here will remember my angry posts about how weird the family dynamic was. It was my role to be the loving DIL. I, like Fly, brushed his hair, sang to him ,told stories, etc. My husband was simply unable to do it .
The point I am trying to make is to cherish this time with your Mum. You will have no regrets later, and this may be just the thing you needed to get you on the sober path. She needs you and I know you will not disappoint. My love and strength go out to you and feel free to PM me if you need me.

[spuddleduck]

dementia

bugger. gulping for breath between tears as im posting, I was feeling strong about not drinking. then got a call from my sis who lives in Greece..... turned up out of the blue and phoned me from mums. my instant thoughts went 'fuck it' 'I can drink' it doesn't matter' 'mams ok' 'I can now drink'. I had got my amoury against al. I had my thoughts of (courtesy of k9) ' I love my mum more than alcohol'...... and now I had this get out clause, ... yeah I can drink cos mums ok. I hadn't put this into the equation of drink or not drink. so yes ive buggered it up. the most annoying thing is I haven't taken my naltrexone which I have been doing religiously for some time now. the al thoughts became so strong I just thought fuck it fuck it.... I have a get out clause. yeah im gonna drink. even as I am writing this I know how crazy and wrong it is. the enjoyment I have from a couple of weeks waking up sober and having wonderful days being busy... it somehow gets pushed into the back of my mind. so heres one spuddleduck full of shame, waiting for a day under the duvet full of more shame (I don't even need external shame to feel the internal shame) ya ya ya.... and endless into the alcohol shite that we feel. I know I can do this and I damn well will. only one person I need to help me... ME... in capital letters. I KNOW I CAN AND I KNOW I WILL XXX

[YouKayBee]

dementia

spuddleduck;1637860 wrote: bugger. gulping for breath between tears as im posting, I was feeling strong about not drinking. then got a call from my sis who lives in Greece..... turned up out of the blue and phoned me from mums. my instant thoughts went 'fuck it' 'I can drink' it doesn't matter' 'mams ok' 'I can now drink'. I had got my amoury against al. I had my thoughts of (courtesy of k9) ' I love my mum more than alcohol'...... and now I had this get out clause, ... yeah I can drink cos mums ok. I hadn't put this into the equation of drink or not drink. so yes ive buggered it up. the most annoying thing is I haven't taken my naltrexone which I have been doing religiously for some time now. the al thoughts became so strong I just thought fuck it fuck it.... I have a get out clause. yeah im gonna drink. even as I am writing this I know how crazy and wrong it is. the enjoyment I have from a couple of weeks waking up sober and having wonderful days being busy... it somehow gets pushed into the back of my mind. so heres one spuddleduck full of shame, waiting for a day under the duvet full of more shame (I don't even need external shame to feel the internal shame) ya ya ya.... and endless into the alcohol shite that we feel. I know I can do this and I damn well will. only one person I need to help me... ME... in capital letters. I KNOW I CAN AND I KNOW I WILL XXX

That's the problem, the get out clause.

I know the periods of stress that keep you dry for a while, cos you daren't drink because it would be so awful.......you keep going but you get a point where the danger passes and relax.

Have you taken some naltrexone?

If so then all is not lost you have a chance to work towards extinction.

[mama bear]

dementia

oh darn it all Spuds...
2 weeks is HUGE for you....you can do it again....big girl pants