Feeling fed up

[Suesue]

So I'm still off alcohol. Been strong so far through a lot of milestones. Been out while other people drank I stayed strong. I was bored tho it was hard being in a pub not drinking. Started to think maybe I can moderate. I think I'm stronger than this addiction. Then I get scared of getting to a bad place again. I feel like I'm missing out tho. My sister says she doesn't think I was that bad now in hindsight. It's put the idea in my head I can drink. I'm fed up being good. It's the bank holiday weekend. I'm sitting in watching tv. I'm fed up I'm bored. I've serious cravings today. I'm not going to drink tho. Not today. I can't say I'm not going to drink again. I can't say I'm not going to try to moderate. All I know is that I feel I'm missing out. I'm bored. This abstinence has been good for me but I don't want a life of abstinence. There's not horrible lows not drinking but there's no really fun moments good moments admittedly but no great ones. I feel I've shown I can stay off the booze that I'm not addicted to it. I know tho that could be a slippery road or a trick of the mind. I do feel I'm a stronger person tho. I do think I can moderate. I won't drink tonight but I'm fed up of feeling like I shouldn't or I can't. Fed up feeling like I have to be good. Fed up.

[available]

Feeling fed up

Sue

We can only make our life fun, no one else. I found knitting and god that must sound so boring but i really enjoy it, took me months to find something i could stick with. Exercise blah, reading well i enjoy but not ready to commit to that yet, gardening blah. You need to find a niche that makes you not bored i suppose.

Oh god moderating, not addicted, can drink in moderation now, dont want to not drink, not as bad as what i thought i was, missing out, stronger than al! Really Sue, you think so? Why did you come to MWO, ask yourself that, was it because you were drinking way too much maybe? If you could have moderated in August dont you think you would be doing it now? what is different now that you think you can moderate? God i miss al, i dont know why but i think its due to the fact that it was a major part of my life daily and yes its hard to find something to replace that i totally agree and what one person likes another may think its not for me. Did your sister see ALL of your drinking time when she wasnt around at nighttime?

I am an alcoholic i cannot drink again but i dont think of it as being a good girl that i dont drink, i think of it as i am saving my life by not drinking. I am boring a bit now yes but i am happy, content. My body is healing, my mind is healing and my life is healing. This is where i want to be and i know i cant be there by drinking. I loved drinking, i wont deny that but it made my life a daily hell on wheels.

Only you can decide if you want to drink and think you can handle it but i think you know the answer to that Sue and it will end in disaster at some point and back to square one, day 1 and i never want another day one as long as i take breath.

There are so many positives of not drinking compared to drinking. Write them down, way the pros and cons up. Al brain is attacking you with one mission in mind and that is to get you to drink by the sounds of it. Dont let it win, boredom is fantastic compared to what you must have been like previously in your drinking days. You know in your heart you wont win against al, he is a farking arsehole that will take over our lives. Read on the Newbies Nest about how unhappy the newbies are, how they want to change, how they are sick of the vicious cycle that al brings, the shame, the guilt, the anger, the hurt. Have you got that from not drinking Sue?

I am sending you big hugs and i am glad you posted your feelings as at the end of the day i dont think you want to go down that path, its a minefield.

[Samstone]

Feeling fed up

Sue2
only you really know whether you truly have an addiction, part of the problem with alcohol addiction is the ability for booze to convince us we're really ok, you don't have a problem. The question you ask yourself is who is in control? It is not for anyone to judge you right or wrong, it is for you to figure out your boundaries.

I've played with this revolving door of sober/drunk for years, yet each time knowing down deep inside my gut the truth. So I guess I put it to you, what does your gut say?

Good luck to you whatever you decide.
Best
Sam

[Byrdlady]

Feeling fed up

Sue2, great to see you again!

I went back and grabbed your first post from 8/19/13. You wrote:

NewBie


Hi this is my first day here first post. I think I'm probably an alcoholic. I've struggled with alcohol fir years. I don't drink in the morning but fairly often during the week most nights I'd have a bottle of wine. I went off alcohol for one month in jan as I was giving up smoking. That went fine few sweats etc but ok. Still off the smokes. Most times I drink it's ok nothing happens. Every so often tho I drink myself to oblivion and go mental. Get aggressive and am insulting. Last sat I started on this random guy for no reason just starting verbally attacking him. I seemed to just flip. I have flipped like this more often lately. I was at a party last month and the same thing happened. Started on some guy. Next day I had to apologise but I coukd see alot of people were disgusted with me. I felt pretty low. I know I have a problem. I don't want to be labelled. I don't want the stigma of going to rehab and being that person who can never drink again. I live in Ireland it's part of our social culture to go to the pub. I don't want to ever feel this low again tho. Fear and loathing. I've decided not to drink again until I can be sure I won't flip out. I'm not sure if that's possible? Can I do it without going to rehab just by going to counselling to get to the root of my anger?
I'm a professional prob considered high functioning. My sister mother and friends are worried about me. They know I've a problem. I know I have a problem but I don't want to be tagged as an alcoholic. If I go into rehab I'll be tagged there will be the stigma and I'll have to be the person who's on the outside different cos I can't drink in vase I turn psycho. Can anyone help me decide what to do? I'm a good person when I'm sober but sometimes turn into an angry mean cow when drunk and it's shameful. I hate that person it's not me. I find I'm sleeping waking up with clench fists I'm tense stressed anxious and strained alot. I need help. End Quote

Let me ask you this, reading this again, what do you think any normal person would recommend you do? Start drinking again?

You have let a glimmer of hope in the door and Dick Head is taking full advantage. Let me tell you a bit about relapse, IT IS NOTHING SHORT OF LIVING HELL! You not only pick up where you left off (see above, that was bad enough) but it gets worse! You drink to make up for lost time! It is a matter of days before all the guilt/shame/remorse are back in full force. Letting AL BACK in your life is the LAST thing you should do. You are an alcoholic....so am I. I know you don't like labels, but think of it more as a diagnosis. If you had a peanut allergy but YOU REALLY WANTED a peanut, do you think you should have one? No. It could kill you. Same with AL. It is out for all of the marbles, it plays to win, it plays for life. You did not get over this with your few months of sobriety, it lays there under the surface and as you can see, it wants to live in you again. Just do a few searches on this site of how many people have started back up after they got sober....ALL of them regret it. Not one single person has said that he/she was glad they started back. Not only that, quitting again is harder, NOT easier. You may lose YEARS before you can get back up again. Let me tell you, it is 1000 times easier to maintain your quit than to start over.

Protect your quit as if your life depends on it....it does!! Do not give in no matter what and no matter who. Shut the door in Dick Head's face and tell him to get the F out of your life! For us, there is nothing but pain and misery associated with AL. Just look around this site and see the people that have succumbed to AL, it's horrible!

You are not missing anything by being sober, you are living!! Give being sober a chance, you gave being drunk a chance and that didn't work out. We cannot control AL anymore, it controls us. Plant yourself in this site and do not give up your quit! It's not worth losing another day of your life over, it's just something in a glass!

Stick with us, don't go backwards! Hold on with all you've got. Find a meeting and attend it! Do whatever it takes to stay sober. It IS worth it. I promise!!! Byrdie

[spiritwolf333]

Feeling fed up

Suesue;1637908 wrote: So I'm still off alcohol. Been strong so far through a lot of milestones. Been out while other people drank I stayed strong. I was bored tho it was hard being in a pub not drinking. Started to think maybe I can moderate. I think I'm stronger than this addiction. Then I get scared of getting to a bad place again. I feel like I'm missing out tho. I've serious cravings today. I feel I've shown I can stay off the booze that I'm not addicted to it. I know tho that could be a slippery road or a trick of the mind. I do feel I'm a stronger person tho. I do think I can moderate. I won't drink tonight but I'm fed up of feeling like I shouldn't or I can't. Fed up feeling like I have to be good. Fed up.

Sue, thanks for bringing up my former alcoholic thinking. This thinking use to drive me bat-shit crazy (and to drink on several occasions). This time around, something different happened in my effort to get sober -and I mean really different. I have to give partial credit to baclofen for helping ease my mind after about 40 days taking.

What happened is this; I became somewhat interested in learning about new things, especially new discoveries regarding alcoholism. But then, I really became interested in researching information about "stuff" that I used to enjoy. And then, I was very able to step outside my comfort zone and start researching "and doing" things that I did not at all think would interest me (i.e. Yoga, Gold Panning, Volunteering)

Sue, once that I FINALLY got started doing "stuff", the boredom went away. For me, the most difficult step out of boredom was just making the decision to do something that I felt uncomfortable doing and then do it. I had to tell myself that I could just do this or that for just one day. For alcoholics like me, taking that first step is the "problem".

Must admit that I refused to cut my grass at my house unless I could drink a beer before and during -too boring I said. Eventually, after undue pressure, I cut the grass and it took all of 15 minutes -sober. Funny how my mind tells me lies in an attempt to have that "one" drink.

[little beagle]

Feeling fed up

Thank you Byrdie. I agree with you. Also al does not make life any more fun. It is in you perception of fun.

[TJAF]

Feeling fed up

Sue2:

I don't have much more to offer than what's already been said. I can only relate my own experiences. I have stood in your shoes though! I too thought I was bored. Still do sometimes. But I think my brain was only fooling me. You see much like me, my brain loves booze. I mean really loves it. Loves it to the exclusion of all else. Its a love like nothing else but my love booze hates all that is rational in my life. Kids, wife, job, health, family, community. I decided that the relationship was horribly onesided even if my brain disagrees. Putting it all in perspective I don't think I was bored at all I think my brain was trying to pull a fast one.

[NoSugar]

Feeling fed up

Hi, SueSue

This thread is full of stories by people who gave up being AF: https://www.mywayout.org/community/f9...t-6-78410.html
All the best, NS

[frances]

Feeling fed up

Sue2 I agree with Byrd please keep in mind why you came here before. AL is so tricky and if you remember why you came here you'll realize there is no good going back. You might think it will be different this time but many many people before you have thought that and I don't know of any for whom it was different - just back to the same and worse. I only know that all of them regretted it.

[Sunbeam]

Feeling fed up

I could drink again, it wouldn't cause THAT many problems. But I don't want to. I know I can avoid ALL of those problems by not drinking. I don't want to drink any more, ever. It was a pit, I'm glad to be out.

[spiderwoman]

Feeling fed up

Hi Sue - I've been thinking about you since I read your post last night, I've been exactly where you are now. Drink free for some time, out in the pub, bored etc and flirted with the modding idea. The final thing that reinforced the quit was the night last June when my best friend (who incidentaly has spent very long time trying to convince me I wasn't "that bad") phoned me drunk and asked me to collect her from a pub where she'd been most of the day with business colleagues.

I evenually found her sitting against a wall with a large glass in her hand and a mostly empty bottle beside her. I put the drivers window down and told her not to try and stand up til I'd turned the car round and could help her into it, as I was coming back she staggered to her feet and promptly fell. She tore the tendons from the middle two fingers on her right hand (we didn't know that at the time) and suffered numerous small cuts She later discovered a number of other injuries.

I got out and helped her into the car, the customers of the pub sitting outside were mainly helpless with laughter at one somewhat overweight middle aged woman trying to manouvre another into the front seat of a car - a couple of kindly souls offered to help.

As I was driving her home she peed her pants - in my car :yukko: thought this was hysterically funny and suggested a pub stop on the way home. It was about that point I realised I never would touch the stuff again. No way was I going to put myself in that position ever again because I knew and know damn well that would have been me before I stopped.

OK so at times I got a bit bored but don't now as I've managed to fill my life with other things. I've been told I've changed - thank God I have from that and I am boring now.

Ultimately you'll do whatever you wish as is your right and privilege, but having come all this way do yourself the favour of listening to the others who've all been there before you throw away your amazing achievement for the sake of an hour in the pub.

Wishing you happiness

Sylv

[damo180]

Feeling fed up

Hi sue,
Just want to add my support.
I have so often felt this way , but everything i went back on the drink i regretted it , as I guess you will.
This weekend will be a pain in the arse because of it being a long Patrick's day weekend.
Your post has helped me stay sober tonight.
I hope you are doing ok and stay off the booze as these feelings will pass but we really need to work on sraying sober.
Look after yourself.
Damo in Dublin

[damo180]

Feeling fed up

Hi sue,
Just want to add my support.
I have so often felt this way , but everything i went back on the drink i regretted it , as I guess you will.
This weekend will be a pain in the arse because of it being a long Patrick's day weekend.
Your post has helped me stay sober tonight.
I hope you are doing ok and stay off the booze as these feelings will pass but we really need to work on sraying sober.
Look after yourself.
Damo in Dublin

[damo180]

Feeling fed up

Jesus, you would think I was drinking with my duplicate posts and errors..... "Every time" not every thing, "staying" , not sraying :-) , stupid phone.