after 18 days I caved, feel so ashamed.

[ninja]

After 18 days I bought a half bottle of vodaka today. In all honesty ive not had any enjoyment out of it.
I know im going to feel shitty for the rest of the day, my wife will be home at lunchtime so im back to brushing my teeth, drinking coffee etc to hide it then by later on ill be feeling shitty.
I probably wont want my tea, acid stomach, guilt and shame.
Why did I do it?

I dont get drunk, I was always a secret drinker, it just lifted my depression for while and I could feel normal but then the guilt destroys me at night, I cant sleep with it, I see every hour of the clock all night feeling so ashamed, ive got that to look forward to tonight.

[available]

after 18 days I caved, feel so ashamed.

Hi ninja.

Interesting question, why did you do it. You wanted to as your al brain was telling you too. were you stressed, tired, hungry, bored? All of those can trigger your al brain to want a drink.

You know that you dont want to drink and that is a positive.

I used to get drunk every night of the week, 1 to 1 1/2 bottles a night, wake up ashamed, anxious, depressed, stuck - completely stuck in a life i hated. My answer was to stop completely, realsing that i could never drink again, i am an alcoholic. I also posted on here every time i felt/needed/wanted a drink. Now i do not drink, i do not want to feel how you are feeling ever again and that means not drinking. Easy to say but hard to do but doable.

Head over to the Newbies Nest and introduce yourself and stick close. I posted like a lunatic for weeks and weeks and for me this is my AA. I am accountable each and every day here on staying sober and i am doing it but it is day by day, minute by minute sometimes.

I am at 100+ days now and proud of what i have achieved, it has not been easy but it has been so worth it. I wake up everyday sober, happy, i am not anxious, i am not depressed anymore, i am alive.

[ninja]

after 18 days I caved, feel so ashamed.

Youre right. I feel better when im not drinking but for me its an emotional dependency rather than a physical one, I dont like the idea of not having AL in my life, maybe a little scared of not having it but the lying about it and hiding it makes my mood a lot worse.
I was watching TV last night and they came home after a tough day and poured a whiskey and sat and relaxed, i think thats what started me thinking, i miss being able to do that.
I only drink vodka now because im trying to hide it, I miss having a beer or a whiskey.

[available]

after 18 days I caved, feel so ashamed.

I had both dependencies to al also but only you can decide Ninja to give up or not. I felt so bad at the end of my drinking that i could not put myself or my children through the person i had become anymore. Petrified is how i felt about not having al in my life, it had been in my life for over 30 years but was pretty bad but not rock bottom when i stopped. I miss al too, i also miss a few people who i loved and have died but i cant have them back just like i cant have al back.

When we stop drinking we have to have a whole different attitude and outlook to al and to life. I could tell you how much better i feel being af for 100+ days and i could also tell you how i felt when i drank and i would choose now how i feel to when i drank but i also understand how the pull of al gets to you. The drinking culture is everywhere and it is always of people enjoying a drink and being happy. we know that is not the case with al.

Are you sure you are not physically dependent on al if you are hiding drinking, it sounds to me that that is a physical addiction as if you did not have a problem why hide it. We come to mwo as we have a problem with al, you do not see normal drinkers on here. you dont see normal drinkers searching on the internet late at night looking and seeking help while hiding their al intake.

I dont want to seem blunt and i hope i havent, i think you need to look at all aspects of your drinking and why you also think its not a physical dependency.

[TJAF]

after 18 days I caved, feel so ashamed.

Ninja,
I respect what you are saying but the jury is in and the verdict is clear. Alcohol use changes brain chemistry. As much as anyone (and this goes for non-alcoholics too) would like to believe the emotional gains we get from alcohol use is purely physical and over time in alcoholics we depend on alcohol almost as much as we crave food when we are hungry. Your negative feelings about not having alcohol in your life is based on physical dependency...it ain't "all in your head" there is a basic chemistry in play.

[ninja]

after 18 days I caved, feel so ashamed.

I understand what you're saying and you're probably right, I just mean when I was drinking too much last year until I gave up in November I drank every day and got withdrawls whemoderately I drink, shakey etc but when I quit in November was okay, I missed it but didnt drink until a few weeks ago.
I hid it from my wife but I didnt get drunk or anything but she did smell it on me so I stopped again on the 2nd of this month until today.
The more i think about it now it is more physical than i thought. Im going to really have to sort myself out after today, i wish id never got into this situation and could drink moderately but Im not sure that will ever be an option again.

[spiritwolf333]

after 18 days I caved, feel so ashamed.

Hi Nija -just gotta to tell you that guilt-shame was gut wrenching for me as well. Not only was I having to work to keep alcohol in my mind and body, I was having to work to try and hide it from my wife/kids. Firewater had become taken complete control of my life. Sounds like you are probably experiencing a similar situation.

The great news for you Ninja is the fact that you are experiencing guilt. At some point, most alcoholics lose the ability to allow guilt to even be a factor any more. Hopefully, maybe some part of this guilt will drive you to do whatever is necessary.

Alcoholism is a "brain" disease -IMO. Without specific help (medications, support, etc.) one can very rarely overcome this cycle of hell.

[ninja]

after 18 days I caved, feel so ashamed.

Youre right spiritwolf. My older brother was an alchoholic but he was pretty chronic, he was drunk ALL the time, if he didnt have a drink by lunchtime he was wretching and even when he did have that first drink of the day it usually resulted in vomiting etc. He was 6ft weighing about 7 stone. He has been dry for 5 years now (and weighs about 20 stone!) But that were I draw my comparison of physical and motional dependancy but I see what you guys are saying that thete are many levels of each and even though id like to think im not that bad an alchoholic im still an alchoholic.
Tomorrow is a new day and even if I get tempted to drink ill know from todays experience that its not going to help and just make me feel worse in the long run.
I owe it to my wife to put in the effort that im meant to be, she thinks im 19 days sober but really im a liar, ill have to live with that for tonight but this time tomorrow I can feel better knowing that I am alchohol free.

[available]

after 18 days I caved, feel so ashamed.

Good on you Ninja for your change in thinking. Home truths are so hard when we deny and my brother was an alcoholic and died of liver disease. i said to myself that "i was not that bad" but at the end of the day i was very dependent on al. I was no better or worse than him and i know i do not want to end up where he is.

The guilt and shame goes as you well know and as you say "tomorrow is another day" and being af is what its all about.

take care and keep posting, you have started a good thread for yourself to be accountable.

[MossRose]

after 18 days I caved, feel so ashamed.

ninja - just here to say hi and welcome you to MWO. I'm in total agreement with TJAF - addiction is more than just psychological. That's why sheer willpower doesn't cut it for many of us. I believe there is a biological, brain-chemistry thing going on too. I've done a lot of research on this subject. But the good news is there are things you can do to repair your body, and your brain. Most of them can be done OTC without a doctor. So, please stay strong. I sound like a broken record out here, so if you want any further information on this, just PM me. Take care.

[damo180]

after 18 days I caved, feel so ashamed.

Hi Ninja,

Just want to add my support to you.
IMO moderation is tougher than abstinence.
And if you think you may have a bit of a problem with al , you probably do, and it WILL worsen.
I would recommend giving it your all to do a "30" and take it from there.

Best of luck pal, staying sober is the best decision I have ever made.

Damo in Dublin

[ninja]

after 18 days I caved, feel so ashamed.

I was thinking that because I dont go into any physical withdrawls when I stop drinking it was more psychological but after reading this I see that its not as simple as that, maybe its just me in denial about how addicted I really am.
I think about it most between 10am and 12pm when my kids are at school, wife is at work, housework is done, like its a reward for myself.
We're heading down to the beach since its the weekend so I wont be sitting home on my own thinking about it, its monday morning I will struggle but its just going to be about changing routine, reward myself with something else that wont spoil the rest of the day with feelings of guilt churning around in my stomach

[available]

after 18 days I caved, feel so ashamed.

My witching hour was 4-6pm. at work and 4ish start thinking about deserving a wine, telling myself no i had to cut down, 4.30 i left work and oops drove past the bottle shop, had a choice of 5 in total as god forbid someone would think i was an alcoholic. then drank and passed out and hit the repeat button the next day after swearing i would not drink. Think of not drinking as a postive and how good you will feel at the end of the day and how you will wake up the next. the anxiety leaves after a few days and you will feel very proud of yourself.

My plan daily is to not drink, that is all. be easy on yourself as your body needs to repair and rewire without the poison that we feed it.

Take care Ninja and enjoy the beach.

[ninja]

after 18 days I caved, feel so ashamed.

I wont be trying to moderate, its all or nothing for me. I alteady ferl better than I did this time yesterday even though I had a drink yesterday. Keeping busy today and ive got the last 2 episodes of Breaking Bad to watch tonight so thats my goal just get through the day and get some munchies for me and the wife tonight snd not feeling that horrible guilt all afternoon and night.
I want to be alchohol free, anxiety is a big problem for me, I take Trazadone so when im not drinking it works a lot better, the longest ive ever gone is 4 months.

[ninja]

after 18 days I caved, feel so ashamed.

And thank you all, speaking to people who understand helps a lot, my wife and family are very supportive but its hard to explain how it feels when you REALLY want a drink and cant think about anything else.