On my fourth day of consciously avoiding hiding my memories and feelings of remorse behind a glass of red wine I came to a realization.
When the thoughts and memories of decisions I?ve made in the past that caused pain to myself and others came to haunt me as they do in the dark hours of the sober nights, rather than allowing shame to hang it?s large hat on my heart, I decided to travel backwards from the moment I made the mistake to it?s origin.
The further back I went the more I realized that what is, just is. No decent person makes a decision based on causing pain to others as a primary reason. We make the best choices we can with the knowledge and experience we have at the time.
Once my husband followed me to work on a Saturday because he thought I was having an affair at work. I wasn?t. He brought my 10 year old adopted daughter and she witnessed the confrontation between us. As I ordered him to leave the premises, she cried and begged to stay with me. I refused and forced her to go with her Dad as I thought he had caused the turmoil and he should deal with her. Hearing her pleas and cries did not move me at the time.
Usually, when I recount this incident, I inevitably pour myself a drink to numb the shame of turning my back on her. This time I asked myself what had caused me, a very nurturing mother, to do this. Since we brought her home from Korea our little girl had caused much disruption in our lives. She was a very difficult child. Her early abandonment had made her more insecure than most children and she acted out in destructive ways on a regular basis. By the time this incident occurred my marriage was in shambles, my family was in crisis and I was a shadow of the woman I truly was down deep.
The Korean culture had forced a young mother to give up her beloved baby born out of wedlock by not having a support system in place. This child had been placed in my home and the agony of a mother child separation played out every day in our family causing the ripple effects of dysfunction, frustration and chaos. As a mother in a crumbling marriage on that particular day, I was breaking under the weight of my husband?s mistrust, my daughter?s endless neediness and my own spent emotional resources. On that day my choice caused my daughter pain.
For the first time I truly forgive myself for that one disappointing incident of many. What is, just is. I will not numb myself with wine to avoid the memory. I am a good person and made this and all past decisions in the heat of the moment and never intending to deliberately cause anyone pain.
This, I know.
When the thoughts and memories of decisions I?ve made in the past that caused pain to myself and others came to haunt me as they do in the dark hours of the sober nights, rather than allowing shame to hang it?s large hat on my heart, I decided to travel backwards from the moment I made the mistake to it?s origin.
The further back I went the more I realized that what is, just is. No decent person makes a decision based on causing pain to others as a primary reason. We make the best choices we can with the knowledge and experience we have at the time.
Once my husband followed me to work on a Saturday because he thought I was having an affair at work. I wasn?t. He brought my 10 year old adopted daughter and she witnessed the confrontation between us. As I ordered him to leave the premises, she cried and begged to stay with me. I refused and forced her to go with her Dad as I thought he had caused the turmoil and he should deal with her. Hearing her pleas and cries did not move me at the time.
Usually, when I recount this incident, I inevitably pour myself a drink to numb the shame of turning my back on her. This time I asked myself what had caused me, a very nurturing mother, to do this. Since we brought her home from Korea our little girl had caused much disruption in our lives. She was a very difficult child. Her early abandonment had made her more insecure than most children and she acted out in destructive ways on a regular basis. By the time this incident occurred my marriage was in shambles, my family was in crisis and I was a shadow of the woman I truly was down deep.
The Korean culture had forced a young mother to give up her beloved baby born out of wedlock by not having a support system in place. This child had been placed in my home and the agony of a mother child separation played out every day in our family causing the ripple effects of dysfunction, frustration and chaos. As a mother in a crumbling marriage on that particular day, I was breaking under the weight of my husband?s mistrust, my daughter?s endless neediness and my own spent emotional resources. On that day my choice caused my daughter pain.
For the first time I truly forgive myself for that one disappointing incident of many. What is, just is. I will not numb myself with wine to avoid the memory. I am a good person and made this and all past decisions in the heat of the moment and never intending to deliberately cause anyone pain.
This, I know.
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