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AL is a magnifier of who you are/inpatient rehab

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    #1

    AL is a magnifier of who you are/inpatient rehab

    Hello Everyone, although I've been AL free for a while now (and don't really miss it) thanks to Campral and baclofen, I had an ugly confrontation with a neighbor I don't know. I thought he was taking pictures of me and my dog pooping in another neighbor's yard (this has become a contentious issue in our neighborhood recently, and yes, I ALWAYS pick up after my dog). He was actually taking a picture of his hedge, but my paranoia got the better of me and the confrontation turned ugly. It's since been smoothed over, but it was an epiphany in that alcohol tends to magnify who we already are, good and bad. In this example, it's bad. But if we're out drinking together, I would be your best friend and buy round after round, because at heart, for all my flaws, I'd like to think I'm a pretty generous guy.

    Anyway, I've been weighing the pros and cons of inpatient rehab. I don't need to detox, and my most recent workup shows I'm anemic, vitamin D deficient and my cholesterol is a little high, but otherwise I'm healthy (including liver enzymes, amazingly). But clearly, I need to work on myself in a stress-free environment, especially when it comes to anger management and assuming the worst in people.

    Someone suggested a facility in Port St. Lucie, Florida to me, but I don't want to be next to a beach or sit around a pool looking at palm trees because I can't think of two bigger triggers. I am thinking about High Watch Farm in Connecticut, one of the rehabs Dr. Ameisen himself attended and spoke of highly in "End of My Addiction."

    Anyway, your thoughts and ideas about whether or not an inpatient rehab would be appropriate for my situation would be most welcome. I considered just stepping up my outpatient therapy since work is much more flexible during the summer, but I'm thinking I've really got to get away from triggers and what my mind perceives as stressful environments, namely home (which is also the place I would go on multi-week benders when my schedule allowed).
    In the middle of my life's journey, I found myself in a dark wood, as I had lost the straight path. It is a difficult thing to speak about, how wild, harsh and impenetrable that wood is. Just thinking about it recreates the fear. It is scarcely less bitter than death, but in order to tell of the good that I found there, I must tell of the other things I saw there. --Dante, paraphrased
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    #2
    AL is a magnifier of who you are/inpatient rehab

    I don't understand Alky,are you afraid you're gonna relapse?or do you want to go to learn different coping skills?if already a.f for awhile,why go?
    I have too much shit to do today and tomorrow to drink:sohappy:

    I'm taking care of the "tomorrow me":thumbsup:
    Drinkin won't help a damn thing! Will only make me sick for DAYS and that ugly, spacey dumb feeling-no thanks!

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      #3
      AL is a magnifier of who you are/inpatient rehab

      No, at this point I'm not afraid of relapse, but I do need therapy in a stress-free environment, i. e. away from home. Clearly, being AF is not a panacea and I still have a lot to learn about just how to live.
      In the middle of my life's journey, I found myself in a dark wood, as I had lost the straight path. It is a difficult thing to speak about, how wild, harsh and impenetrable that wood is. Just thinking about it recreates the fear. It is scarcely less bitter than death, but in order to tell of the good that I found there, I must tell of the other things I saw there. --Dante, paraphrased

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        #4
        AL is a magnifier of who you are/inpatient rehab

        Hi Alky - I think that I might understand where you are coming from.

        First paranoia. In my opinion, this is a characteristic that follows some of us -much of the time. When I brought this up to someone, they told me that perhaps I thought too highly of myself. What the hell? Yes, what they were saying, I now believe to be correct is the fact that I thought myself to be so important that others were actually paying attention to what I was doing when I was in their vision. I told said person that the world did revolve around me. They told me that most people are only worried about themselves. So now I just assume we are all somewhat selfish and it frees me.

        And Alky, an impatient rehab -I am afraid that you would probably know more than the counselors and end up trying to teach everyone else.

        Alky, if I were you and I had the money, I would try and find a two or three week rejuvenation type camp. It really does sound like you just need some real rest and to get away from the day to day. Taking a few weeks to a month or so off can reap rewards beyond we are told to believe.

        Just a thought.

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          #5
          AL is a magnifier of who you are/inpatient rehab

          Thanks for your post and input, Spirit. Recalling another incident also gave me pause. I was in the process of being released from the ER after having been taken there with a .55 BAC, when I overheard the social worker tell my wife, "it's not that he's a drunk, he's just not a nice person." Anyway, that line poisoned our marriage, but more importantly I've thought frequently after that, "what if it's actually true???" What if I actually am just an asshole? I don't want to be and I'd like to do something about it.
          In the middle of my life's journey, I found myself in a dark wood, as I had lost the straight path. It is a difficult thing to speak about, how wild, harsh and impenetrable that wood is. Just thinking about it recreates the fear. It is scarcely less bitter than death, but in order to tell of the good that I found there, I must tell of the other things I saw there. --Dante, paraphrased

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            #6
            AL is a magnifier of who you are/inpatient rehab

            I feel you Alky,sometimes i have to stop and think situations out and wonder if i'm handling it the right way or am i just a bitch?but i don't know if personalities can be changed ya know?good luck whatever you decide
            I have too much shit to do today and tomorrow to drink:sohappy:

            I'm taking care of the "tomorrow me":thumbsup:
            Drinkin won't help a damn thing! Will only make me sick for DAYS and that ugly, spacey dumb feeling-no thanks!

            Comment

              #7
              AL is a magnifier of who you are/inpatient rehab

              Alky I don't know the rehab situation in the US but my guess is that you need to do work on not just your drinking but the whole therapy thing. Maybe you should explore other options to inpatient rehab.
              As for the remark made in the ER to me this could reflect a host of things and not just you. I have heard health workers make sweeping generalisations about people and they are based on a lot of prejudice, their stress, etc. ( this is not a put down of health professionals either). What I am trying to say is that it's important to look at the wider picture and how we live as social beings. that's a big leap if you are feeling paranoid.
              A good therapist should deal with this. But I am thinking of one who looks more at the society we live in and not just our individual pain. Just a thought and it might be way off-beam.

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                #8
                AL is a magnifier of who you are/inpatient rehab

                Hey Alky. No doubt chemicals and alcohol affect our behaviour, I know it did mine. Therapy can validate our feelings and allow us to communicate better. For me, therapy and meditation worked wonders. Once you become more peaceful, impatience and paranoia are non-issues. You allow yourself to connect more effectively with the human race. Good Luck and loving seeing you in subs. :l
                Enlightened by MWO

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                  #9
                  AL is a magnifier of who you are/inpatient rehab

                  Hi Alky: Perhaps instead of an inpatient you could look into a retreat- a programe to enhance and build your spiratual side- not to get all earthy crunchy on you!

                  I looked into a placecalled Sedona Soul Adventures (easy to find on the web) and though I didnt end up attending, I know that when I have the money, I will go.

                  Anyway, a thougth for you, sweetie. :l
                  On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
                  *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
                  https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html tool box
                  https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html newbie nest

                  Comment

                    #10
                    AL is a magnifier of who you are/inpatient rehab

                    Thanks Pauly, Treetops, SK and Kradle for weighing in. I'm liking more and more the idea of a spiritual retreat. We have a place like Sedona (but not nearly as glitzy) not too far away from me here in Florida called Cassadaga, which started out in the 19th c. as a spiritualist camp. I may try one of several available programs there to "get my feet wet" and see which direction I need to go. If I love it, I might consider the Sedona option, depending on $$$.

                    I also found a program at the Brattleboro Retreat in Vermont that deals with "co-occurring disorders," that sounds perfect for my condition, but Dr. Ameisen spent some time there and did not speak very highly of it in his book "End of My Addiction." Again, the program sounds perfect for what I need, but they make no bones about it on their website, you are being confined to a mental hospital, and that just doesn't sound appealing at all. It's not too far from my summer place in Southern Vermont, though, and I still might take a look around just to see for myself.
                    In the middle of my life's journey, I found myself in a dark wood, as I had lost the straight path. It is a difficult thing to speak about, how wild, harsh and impenetrable that wood is. Just thinking about it recreates the fear. It is scarcely less bitter than death, but in order to tell of the good that I found there, I must tell of the other things I saw there. --Dante, paraphrased

                    Comment

                      #11
                      AL is a magnifier of who you are/inpatient rehab

                      Alky,
                      I think there's some truth in your post that alcohol can magnify your behavior- I've been the drunk a$$hole before, where I've been obnoxious or mean to others but the GOOD NEWS was that I had no recollection in the morning.... so it didn't count, right? Then, the regretful apologies, almost half-hearted since I didn't really remember being that mean, but "if you say I said that, then I'm sorry".

                      There's only so many times I could play the "sorry, I was drunk card" before I put my big girl panties on and recognized it was my problem. But your original question... does that mean spirited a$$hole still live deep inside my soul? That's a good question.

                      As to going to a retreat, or a rehab... if you need to physically go to some place like that, then go for it. Do you think helping others in the community would be therapeutic for you?

                      Happy Sunday! :hug: Patty
                      "God didn't give you the Strength to get back on your feet
                      so that you can run back to the same thing that knocked you down."                       :hug:

                      Comment

                        #12
                        AL is a magnifier of who you are/inpatient rehab

                        Thanks for your thoughts, N3HL. I am gradually leaning less and less toward rehab because I don't need the medical end of it, and as the habit of abstinence grows, I don't need to be schooled in how to turn down a drink, etc. Some friends have just suggested "taking a long vacation," but I really feel strongly I need a therapeutic component, especially when it comes to anger management. My wife and I are separating, so I will be alone for the summer and I teach, so I have the summer off. While I'm not worried about relapse so much, I do feel that being bored and home alone might be problematic, so that's why I would prefer some sort of inpatient therapeutic treatment. But continuing outpatient therapy while doing community service might be the ticket, too, so thank you again for weighing in.
                        In the middle of my life's journey, I found myself in a dark wood, as I had lost the straight path. It is a difficult thing to speak about, how wild, harsh and impenetrable that wood is. Just thinking about it recreates the fear. It is scarcely less bitter than death, but in order to tell of the good that I found there, I must tell of the other things I saw there. --Dante, paraphrased

                        Comment

                          #13
                          AL is a magnifier of who you are/inpatient rehab

                          I am in agreement with my my therapist. Since I am not in need of the medical end of rehab, I have booked myself on an extended vacation whitewater rafting in the southern Appalachian Mountains and will continue to follow up with outpatient therapy.

                          A big thank you to everyone who contributed to this thread. Posting in General Discussion is generally pretty useless. People either want to comment about this "army" that doesn't really exist or their undies. Whatever. To each their own.
                          In the middle of my life's journey, I found myself in a dark wood, as I had lost the straight path. It is a difficult thing to speak about, how wild, harsh and impenetrable that wood is. Just thinking about it recreates the fear. It is scarcely less bitter than death, but in order to tell of the good that I found there, I must tell of the other things I saw there. --Dante, paraphrased

                          Comment

                            #14
                            AL is a magnifier of who you are/inpatient rehab

                            Hi Alky,

                            Your vacation sounds nice and I wish you luck as you move forward. Just a quick FYI - I believe the "undies" represent our friends from Australia/Down Under versus a reference to under garments.
                            Mary Lou

                            A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. Winston Churchill

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                              #15
                              AL is a magnifier of who you are/inpatient rehab

                              Alky I might be way off the mark but I learned during my journey that my acting out during active addiction was just me personifying what I felt about myself on the inside, it wasn't the authentic genuine me but that's what I thought I was and I needed a bit of help and guidance along the road to unwind these beliefs, everything gets so foggy and wound up in active addiction it takes time, guidance and all that other good stuff to unwind it layer but layer but talk to someone, ya defo in my opinion, don't try and do it alone, trying to fix these things in my own head get me buried deeper. I don't crave anymore at all but have the odd couple of bad minutes, hours or day and that's when I need a toolbox of life skills I am gathering to get through it, and a better awareness of my real core beliefs too, although I have still tweaking them, cause some of them are very unhelpful!
                              "When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it"

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