Announcement

**kali** · May 21, 2007, 11:58 AM

The Train Has Derailed!

Hi Hablur,

I know exactly how you are feeling, because I do the very same thing.. I think I must be Jeckel-Hyde. I start the day with the same resolve, and by evening the demons are all calling my name. Anything, at this point is a trigger for me. Use to be when the phone rang and I knew it was my stepson calling (from prison) , the exwife, the other stepkids all grown now. But, I've run out of excuses. The alcohol has the control it seems now. I do know that this website has been helpful, and we just have to keep coming back.

**Bella** · May 21, 2007, 11:58 AM

The Train Has Derailed!

Hablur you have made progress! You are writing down how you feel and you genuinely want to stop. Well thats how I read it. It is quite something just to make that descision and it is HARD to act on words. Set yourself a day and don't expect wonders from yourself. You knew this wasn't going to be easy. It is worth it, so take the leap! I know how you feel. keep posting. Bella xxx

**Bella** · May 21, 2007, 12:01 PM

The Train Has Derailed!

P.S. the train has NOT derailed!!!!!!

**imatree** · May 21, 2007, 12:17 PM

The Train Has Derailed!

HI Halbur,
I very much relate to what you say here. VERY. I too have gotten so discouraged with myself, and terrified to think that the monster is stronger than I am.

But yesterday I was reading something that encouraged me... When one recognizes a problem they have, examines it, faces the truth, and moves toward overcoming the problem, the healing has already begun. This, what we are all here doing, is a process, and should not be seen as simply - here's the starting line and here's the finish line. There's a whole lot in between. And it is in this 'in between' that we are granted the opportunity to get to know ourselves better than ever - our weaknesses, our strengths, our flaws, our courage, our passion for life - that we have taken for granted all the years we drank.

I was in a deep funk last week, thinking I'd never get over this drinking. And this week I am more hopeful than ever - even though I drank too much over the weekend. It's a process, and during the process we are healing.

**samadhi** · May 21, 2007, 12:19 PM

The Train Has Derailed!

Hablur - You remind me of me! I was doing well a year ago, but since February, I've actually been doing worse than when I started MWO over a year ago! I feel that same level of comitment you do and truly mean everything I say and then... wham! Why have I not been able to get my act together since February? The only thing that I can figure is that since then, I had 2 physicals in february and got an excellent bill of health, the fear of killing myself thru drinking has lessened alot. So it's almost like I'm celebrating the results and allowing myself to drink. Never mind that my physical was probably good because for months before it I had alot of AF days, took my supplements and ate really healthy. I am probably reversing all of the healing I've done before february.

Also, I haven't done anything really stupid (just mildly) while drunk or have had any bad hangovers since then (probably because I'm building up tolerance). I think I've just become more careful of when I drink and who I drink around in order not to "get caught" or humiliate myself. As a result, the fear of embarassment and the physical pain of hangovers seem like a distant memory, therefore also not a motivator to stop. So there's not much at the moment that's lighting a fire under me to stop drinking. I realize I almost need something really bad to happen to get restarted on the program today.

At this moment, 12:15pm, I can't even imagine wanting a drink, I am so determined - however, talk to me again after 5pm and I pray, I don't come up with some lame excuse to myself to "go ahead! you deserve it! the consequenses aren't really that bad etc, etc"

So, Hablur, I can't give you any advice, since I am not making progress, other than to say I understand. Although you do sound like you have made quite a bit of progress - 40% AF. That sounds great to me. Keep on pressing through this - I wish you the best!

**imatree** · May 21, 2007, 12:23 PM

The Train Has Derailed!

Something else I thought to share...
I realized the past few days that I must take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for achieving sobriety. The supps, the meds, cds, book, this wonderful forum... these are excellent tools. But they are just tools. Achieving my goals is really all on me.

**MDBiker** · May 21, 2007, 12:26 PM

The Train Has Derailed!

I must tell you I was having the exact problem when I was trying to moderate. For the life of me I could not do it. Even though I would promise myself I was lying. I didn't have the will to quit. I wanted to, and I knew I should, but deep inside I knew I needed the alcohol to get through my daily life. I could see no other way for me to function and still keep everything together. Finally it got the best of me. I came apart with a breakdown. Too many things to keep up with and control and too much booze to keep me going. After a week of not being able to do anything but sit and cry for no good reason, I finally got to the mindset "I give up". I could not longer do the things I was doing and expect anything else to change. I gave up. When I did that, it was like someone lifted a veil from my eyes. I was finally willing to do whatever was necessary to quit this drinking. Everything in my life was on the table at that point. Wife, kids, mother, job, home, cars, motorcycles, investments, . . Everything. Because if I kept doing what I was doing I was going to lose all of it anyway. I wanted to be well and everything else was second to my getting better. It was amazing to me that when I did "give up" all the things I was so worried about became closer and were more precious than before. It is not easy to do, but it is worth the price.

You can do this. Drinking while taking campral is not a good example of what you are capable of. Try the topa and I think you will get better results. If you are really ready, go find you a Dr. and let him lead you through recovery. I think it was worth the embarrassment and anxiety to get my life back.

Lets get the train back on the track.
I wish you all the best
bear

**Popeye** · May 21, 2007, 12:27 PM

The Train Has Derailed!

Hello hablur,
I know what you mean about saying one thing...an honestly believing yourself, then going ahead and doing exactly what you said you wouldn't.
I've spent years telling my wife I was going to get a grip, and meaning every word of it, and then carried blindly on my merry way. I've been here since November and I'm only just starting to think that maybe, maybe, I have inched a little way towards becoming the person that I want to be.
Stick with us. We're in this together....and alone.

**betty boop** · May 21, 2007, 12:32 PM

The Train Has Derailed!

Hablur, yes I too know how you feel .....

Hang in there, you are going in the right direction, you will get there.

Love Betts

**Breez** · May 21, 2007, 12:46 PM

The Train Has Derailed!

Hi hablur~

I was told by someone in AA...nothing changes if nothing changes.

Going thru the motions of quiting will not work. I, for one, will testify to that. I was on Camral when it first came out & started drinking on it (you're not supposed to-it's geared for abstinent individuals). Defeat. Then I took Topa a year and a half ago and again when thru the motions and expected miracles. Defeated again.

Failures? No. Learning experiences. Yes.

December 2006 I decided with mind, body & soul, paired along with all my defeats and accomplishments from past experinces & with every strength I had I commited myself to my newest AF journey. This time around- took my Topa again(no supps), developed new mindset, tried the cd's, changed my approaches as how to handle triggers, made access to alcohol hard and joined & logged on here daily. Mainly I changed my thinking. I also changed how I lived my life daily without alcohol too. I learned to deal without alcohol. I learned to be happy without alcohol. I learned to be mad without alcohol. I learned to express emotions without alcohol.

I found other outlets. I approached problems & situations head-on rather than hands-on with the bottle. Those situations & problems (good or bad) will be there with or without the booze. Booze will enhance them or make them worse. But being AF thru them allows for me personally to grow therefore empowering me to know I can handle life and all it has to offer and even throw at me. The more AF notches I have on my belt the more confidence I have to know that I don't need to reach for the bottle.

It was very hard at first. You know you want it, you've got the tools, you've got us for support, you just have to make the plunge. You ARE stronger than this demon. You just have to live that want.

Congrats on not giving up! I applaud you. I always say try anything once & if it doesn't work try it again. "All-Aboard"

**DidItForMe** · May 21, 2007, 12:52 PM

The Train Has Derailed!

Hablur:
Your first post on these boards was on 4/12/07 (yes, I just went back and looked) and you said that you were here for the long haul. It has been 39 days. I'm not pointing that out to make fun of you, trust me, we all know that those days trying to moderate or quit can feel like the longest days of our lives. I am just pointing that out because you also said that it took you about seven years to build up to your current drinking patterns, the ones you are trying to change. Why not cut yourself some slack? You have made progress since coming here! You have cut back from 8 beers to 5, or 40%. That is significant. You did that in 39 days which is fantastic. I am glad you are getting the Topa because it has helped me and many others and maybe it will make your fight that much easier. But really, the train is still on the track, it is on the right track, and it has barely left the station. Hang in there. We all have faith that you can so this!!!

**hablur** · May 21, 2007, 01:18 PM

The Train Has Derailed!

Thanks all. Your advice is very important to me. I havent given up it is just that I have come to realize that there is a demon in me that really does overtake all logic and reason that I have at times. I have the tools to beat it but like anything I need to learn how to use the tools and well I guess that takes a bit of time.

You all have helped me tremendously today with your words. Off to see the doc now. Have a good one all and thank you again.

**rudemama** · May 21, 2007, 01:38 PM

The Train Has Derailed!

Hablur, I don't know about control or lack of.... I know i drank alot on Saturday night after 60 days af, and feel different about myself,like i wanted to go to a party this coming saturday, and be af and proud...not be the drunk who passes out on the couch or pukes in the bushes... so do i go and be af or try and moderate.....i don't know and now i don't know who i am... well i do at this moment.. so i guess for me it is moment to moment. i can't project an image of who i think i am or will be... it is only simple me at this moment in this skin. sincerely rudemama

**cassy** · May 21, 2007, 02:39 PM

The Train Has Derailed!

Hi Hablur..hang in there..nobody said this changing of mindset and habits was going to be easy.
It can be disheartening when you cant get going on the change process..so why not congratulate yourself on what you have achieved so far?
The change in drink habit involves for me a change in homelife, spiritual life, social life...everything really.

To get kick started i started looking at me..not anybody else.......what was i not happy about in my life..what are my fears......i allowed myself some "thinking time" to look at how my marriage is doing and my close relationships. i looked at my relationship with God..
what makes me happy......for me..its to love and be loved, to have intimate friendships, to have hope in life and to keep close to God

When any of these is rattled it disturbs my inner peace..and then I may head for a few drinks.

I,m trying not to spend time analysing myself but i did need to give some thought to how to work on some of these issues and yes i feel a lot happier and more positive about making some changes.

Its a slow process...4o years of drinking needs some unpicking.

On a funny note i joined a church group for weekly prayer/ study of bible readings etc...guess what the topic was ADDICTION!...i manged not to lie and i managed not to bare my soul either..BUT i came away realising that we all have weaknesses whether its booze, fags, drugs, gambling etc..and i honestly believe we can under estimate the power of prayer.

Dont mean to offend anybody or bible bash...but my faith is an integral part of who I am so its obvious i have to mention it,,,you never know it might be another source of strength in the bid to change.

dont get disheartened Hablur..you just have to make small steps regulalry..Good Lucy

Cassy

Welcome Guest to My Way Out Forums.

Announcement

The Train Has Derailed!

The Train Has Derailed!

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment