Awakening

[Desperatelyseekingsober]

I joined today after reading many posts. My story is pretty simple. Im an alcoholic, and it has reached a point where action is critical. First some back story. Ive been drinking since I was 13. Not consistent, but weekends, parties college etc. Been with my wife for 16 years now. Marriage is stable, but rather loveless (depressing). A couple of years back I got laid off and my pattern of weekend only drinking changed to daily, since I wasn't doin much of anything. They eventually called and rehired me, but I kept drinking every night, typically a 6 pack before bed.

Honestly, that was all under control and worked fine for me. Now is a totally different story. I am currently drinking 12-16 16oz beers a day. How can you manage that with a job you say? Easy, I put it in a coffee cup and bring it in to the office. I cant go more than an hour without a drink. I get shakes, heart races BP skyrockets. So I nurse beers all day long at work (typically 8 in a 10 hour shift) to keep me stable. Im not even drinking to enjoy anymore, Im doing it cause it feels like if I dont I will die. It a viscous cycle that feeds itself.

Now the fun part! My symptoms. Aside from normal withdrawal stuff, I get legs cramps almost every morning, I have edema in my legs and I wake up after just a few hours of sleep with my pulse and BP going nuts (150/105 this morning). My back hurts like something is wrong with my kidneys. Its not pain per se, but a feeling like I have to stretch it. My heart skips/misses beat all the time. Im just a mess. Went to the doctor yesterday, told her my concerns and got some blood tests done. Currently waiting for results.

So what have I been doing to change? Nothing but make excuses. I do have valid concerns about me surviving withdrawal. I have had issues with my heart long before I became dependent. When I don't drink, it gets scary real fast. As soon as I wake up I grab a beer. Usually takes 2-3 to stabilize me. But I don't stop there. I keep going. I'm not sure if thats needed, but I'm scared not to. Funny thing is, even with the constant drinking, Im never impaired. I can drive just fine and I talk on the phone for a living and nobody can tell.

So what am I doing aside from feeling sorry for myself. Well I am posting here to let some of this stuff out, wife knows Im bad, but has NO IDEA how bad. So I am taking all kinds of supplements (B1, C, Hawthorn, potassium, calcium, magnesium etc) cause Im pretty convinced Im dehydrated 24/7. All I drink is beer, literally. I know, not that smart. Waiting for test results right now, see what the damage is. I fear Ive done liver damage or kidney damage. Either way I need to know before starting. I want to quit, but I dont want to die in the process.

As I sit and write this, my bp is down and pulse is stabilized, Im on my 3rd beer and its 9am. I plan on tapering. My wife is away for the next couple of days so its just me and the kids. Im too scared to start until she comes home. If I have to rush to the hospital Im not sure what to with a 6 year old, we have no family out here.

I just needed to get this all off my chest. Im so tired of myself. If I could flip a switch and stop I would, but I can't.

[-143]

Awakening

Hi Desperate! I'm new here too.....only joined a few weeks ago. But I love it!! I'm not where I want to be by far!!! But I'm now taking steps in that direction.

You did a great thing getting the blood work done!!!! And posting on here!!! I don't have any answers for you but there are people on here that can help you!!! So.... I will give you the advice they gave me...... keep posting and read.....read.....read!!!! I've found a lot of help and encouragement from reading other peoples post!!! :welcome::welcome::welcome:

[lucky 2.0]

Awakening

Welcome DSS and -143!

[Alky]

Awakening

Desperatelyseekingsober;1648922 wrote: Funny thing is, even with the constant drinking, Im never impaired. I can drive just fine and I talk on the phone for a living and nobody can tell.

No, you're impaired. Your brain is flooded with glutamate (an excitatory neurotransmitter) so it can function in the face of this continued onslaught of alcohol. If you got pulled over, I guarantee you'd be way over .08. I've been there. I was taken to the ER once with a BAC of .55. When informed of this, I just quipped to the doctor, "I've been drunker." Don't kid yourself by saying you're not impaired.

The onslaught of glutamate once your BAC drops overnight is why your withdrawals are so bad. You really should consider a medical detox to be safe. A BP of over 90 is considered hypertensive, yours is over 100. Not to mention the possibility (rare, but possible) of withdrawal seizures.

Just my $.02

[spiritwolf333]

Awakening

Desperatelyseekingsober;1648922 wrote: I joined today after reading many posts. My story is pretty simple. Im an alcoholic, and it has reached a point where action is critical. First some back story. Ive been drinking since I was 13. Not consistent, but weekends, parties college etc. Been with my wife for 16 years now. Marriage is stable, but rather loveless (depressing). A couple of years back I got laid off and my pattern of weekend only drinking changed to daily, since I wasn't doin much of anything. They eventually called and rehired me, but I kept drinking every night, typically a 6 pack before bed.

Honestly, that was all under control and worked fine for me. Now is a totally different story. I am currently drinking 12-16 16oz beers a day. How can you manage that with a job you say? Easy, I put it in a coffee cup and bring it in to the office. I cant go more than an hour without a drink. I get shakes, heart races BP skyrockets. So I nurse beers all day long at work (typically 8 in a 10 hour shift) to keep me stable. Im not even drinking to enjoy anymore, Im doing it cause it feels like if I dont I will die. It a viscous cycle that feeds itself.

Now the fun part! My symptoms. Aside from normal withdrawal stuff, I get legs cramps almost every morning, I have edema in my legs and I wake up after just a few hours of sleep with my pulse and BP going nuts (150/105 this morning). My back hurts like something is wrong with my kidneys. Its not pain per se, but a feeling like I have to stretch it. My heart skips/misses beat all the time. Im just a mess. Went to the doctor yesterday, told her my concerns and got some blood tests done. Currently waiting for results.

So what have I been doing to change? Nothing but make excuses. I do have valid concerns about me surviving withdrawal. I have had issues with my heart long before I became dependent. When I don't drink, it gets scary real fast. As soon as I wake up I grab a beer. Usually takes 2-3 to stabilize me. But I don't stop there. I keep going. I'm not sure if thats needed, but I'm scared not to. Funny thing is, even with the constant drinking, Im never impaired. I can drive just fine and I talk on the phone for a living and nobody can tell.

So what am I doing aside from feeling sorry for myself. Well I am posting here to let some of this stuff out, wife knows Im bad, but has NO IDEA how bad. So I am taking all kinds of supplements (B1, C, Hawthorn, potassium, calcium, magnesium etc) cause Im pretty convinced Im dehydrated 24/7. All I drink is beer, literally. I know, not that smart. Waiting for test results right now, see what the damage is. I fear Ive done liver damage or kidney damage. Either way I need to know before starting. I want to quit, but I dont want to die in the process.

As I sit and write this, my bp is down and pulse is stabilized, Im on my 3rd beer and its 9am. I plan on tapering. My wife is away for the next couple of days so its just me and the kids. Im too scared to start until she comes home. If I have to rush to the hospital Im not sure what to with a 6 year old, we have no family out here.

I just needed to get this all off my chest. Im so tired of myself. If I could flip a switch and stop I would, but I can't.

Desperate -thanks for this post. You remind me of me -this time last year.

Who I WAS: I drank 14 to 16 -16oz beers per day. My life was in shambles -again, but this time worse and I was as desperate as any person could be. I had to drink -not because I enjoyed drinking anymore, only because I had to in order to keep my body and my mind "somewhat" functioning. I think that you alluded to this as well. In the last days of my drinking before my official "surrender", I would begin drinking @ 8:00 am. Again, just to somewhat function. Of course I never wanted my wife to witness this incredible madness/chaos so I would have to desperately wait for her to leave the house for her work before I began. In the end, I lost a very valuable business, a lot of other "stuff" -but the great part was that I kept my family-luckily.

Age wise, I interpret that you may be a few years behind me. Please allow me to express the following:
(1) It NEVER gets better -only worse (alcohol)
(2) You seem quite aware that you are in a no win situation and you never intended this to be your story.
(3) If you do decide to finally turn to hard liqueur, I imagine it is all over but the funeral.

What Has Happened: Since March 2013, I began a medication called baclofen. It was not easy -initially, but when all is said and done, Baclofen saved my life. Along with MWO, family support, and a boat load of desperation, I found freedom the hell chains of alcoholism.

Opinion: You are half way there -now. Just by deciding to take some action and accept your situation, you have now given yourself a real chance to create a new alcohol free life. Easy -no, not really. Easier than drinking to survive each day - you betcha.

Also, IMO, do not start this alcohol withdrawal process without being overseen by a medical person. Either rehab or a personal doctor-etc. Drop what little pride you may have and realize that you may DIE if you don't do this the smart way. (I only wish someone had said this to me my last go around to be free- lol, but true.)

Keep reading and posting. I needed to be reminded.

[Desperatelyseekingsober]

Awakening

I an 44. I'm still waiting for the damn blood tests results, driving me nuts. I just need to know how much damage I've done, or at least get the process started of finding out whats going on. There's so many factors here, that existed before dependence, I just need to sort it out.

I'm not a hard alcohol kind of guy, sure at bars for shots, but thats it. I did order some Kudzo cause I see people (and Harvard) saying good things about it. My concern is surviving the next 3 days while my wife is gone. Yes I feel it's that serious. Stupid to let it go so far, but that's where I'm at.

[Pavati]

Awakening

Hi, DSS:

There is information about at home tapering here: HAMS. Maybe you could start an at-home taper and then when your wife gets home get yourself to a doctor for a medically supervised quit?

You have found a good spot for support to stay sober once you get there - it sounds like you are ready. Stay strong.

[Desperatelyseekingsober]

Awakening

Thats the exact link I was looking at before coming here. Sounds so reasonable, but I know it will be a challenge. Drinking has become a part of "me". I really can't imagine myself not drinking, and I need to change that.

Right now Im just obsessed with getting the blood test results. I'm a "need to know" kinda guy.

[spiritwolf333]

Awakening

Desperatelyseekingsober;1648948 wrote: I an 44. I'm still waiting for the damn blood tests results, driving me nuts. I just need to know how much damage I've done, or at least get the process started of finding out whats going on. There's so many factors here, that existed before dependence, I just need to sort it out.

I'm not a hard alcohol kind of guy, sure at bars for shots, but thats it. I did order some Kudzo cause I see people (and Harvard) saying good things about it. My concern is surviving the next 3 days while my wife is gone. Yes I feel it's that serious. Stupid to let it go so far, but that's where I'm at.

Hi Desperate -again.

I understand your worries - I do -I've been there.

Will your test results really determine your next steps?

Perhaps this is a great time to really consider setting yourself free from alcohol. Let's just assume that your test results come back just fine. Maybe a few elevated levels of this or that, but overall, ok. In the eye of many alcoholics, good test results will just eventually equate back to do the same ole same ole.

It really is not STUPID to let it go as far as it "did". You may like to think that you are in control, but you are not. A chemical owns you and will direct your life accordingly. If your story is true, and I assume it is, then you are under the grasps of brain disease that will not be subdued by talk therapy or the like.

I am 51 y/o and I tried all approaches know at the time. Whatever you do, just hold on -it all gets better from here if you have decided you don't want to drink anymore.

[Desperatelyseekingsober]

Awakening

Well I would like to know if my liver is screwed for one. If it is quitting today, instantly wouldnt help me. And these back pains Im having, which seem to imply kidneys are obviously a concern. I also want results to wake me up. I'm almost certain something is going to come back bad. My other concern was that since I drink just beer and I was on a diuretic also (stopped taking it a day ago) that I could just be really dehydrated and this could be causing issues.

Either way, I have to quit. I know that. But like I said, I don't want to drop dead in the process.

[spiritwolf333]

Awakening

Desperatelyseekingsober;1649005 wrote: Well I would like to know if my liver is screwed for one. If it is quitting today, instantly wouldnt help me. And these back pains Im having, which seem to imply kidneys are obviously a concern. I also want results to wake me up. I'm almost certain something is going to come back bad. My other concern was that since I drink just beer and I was on a diuretic also (stopped taking it a day ago) that I could just be really dehydrated and this could be causing issues.

Either way, I have to quit. I know that. But like I said, I don't want to drop dead in the process.

Hi Desperate -just damn, I can not stop laughing at your avatar.

But look, all that I am trying to say is this; if you were able to stop drinking now, all would begin to improve -regardless, mental-physical, etc. All functions. This is a difficult concept for someone to accept if he or she is currently influenced by a drug. It is important to know that we each are physically ok regardless of our alcohol intake, but it is even more important to know that we are trying to make a decision to stop what we are doing that makes the outcome even worse.

[Alky]

Awakening

Desperatelyseekingsober;1649005 wrote: But like I said, I don't want to drop dead in the process.

I would try a >very< mild taper until your wife gets home, then go to a medically supervised detox. Don't go to an ER. All they'll do is just wait until your BAC falls under .08 and then kick you out. And they'll treat you like crap because most doctors still think alcoholism is a moral failing and not a medical condition. I speak from experience on that. Multiple times.

I crunched the numbers in a BAC calculator. You've been drinking enough daily that a 200 pound man would be going to bed with a .11 BAC. More if you weigh less. That's a lot of alcohol and very dangerous to come off of unsupervised.

[Desperatelyseekingsober]

Awakening

Im 203ish currently. So your math is appropriate lol

[scottish lass]

Awakening

Please don't wait for the results - they can be misleading. If enough liver damage is done, the liver is dead and the enzymes no longer react to abuse. Some peoples livers can be a total mess and their blood work does not show it.
I am worried that if they come back ok, or even just a little elevated you may take it as a message that you are ok and you carry on. You know you are not ok.
There is a lot of help here - please take it and stop focusing on the test results.

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

Awakening

:welcome: Desperately Seeking Sober...
First, hugs... coming here and letting it all hang out takes a lot of courage- there are many people here that have been in your shoes.

When I told my doctor how much I drank, I pretended to be truthful and told him half a bottle a night. He was brutally honest and said that was WAY too much for me, and I needed to re-evaluate it- and I had LIED, because I was really drinking a bottle + every night. So for me to tell you to go cold turkey sounds too drastic for the symptoms that you describe, and I'm not a doctor. Please be honest with him/her.

In the meantime, I strongly encourage you to drink water, as much as you can!!! Start flushing your system. Please, even if you have to "drink 12 ounces of water" and then reward yourself with a brewski, can you do yourself a favor start?
I had a lovely Welsh friend that would say about drinking water, "why would I drink water, darling? Fish f*ck in it!" I hope that made you laugh! If so, then cheers to the fish and drink some water.

Does your employer offer an Employee Assistance Program that would help you with your dependency issue? Where I work, if you "confess" and ask for help, they won't fire you... however, if someone suspects something and they catch you with alcohol at work, they will terminate you with cause, so no unemployment. Something to find out?


:groupluv: You have your kids to think about. Please keep us posted.

I am glad you are here. Patty