gotta get some advice

[samadhi]

I posted part of this yesterday as a response to Hablur's derailed train post, but after reading it again I realize I need to get some advice and not just respond. So sorry for repeating....

I was doing well a year ago, but since February, I've actually been doing worse than when I started MWO over a year ago! I feel that same level of comitment you do and truly mean everything I say and then... wham! Why have I not been able to get my act together since February? The only thing that I can figure is that since then, I had 2 physicals in february and got an excellent bill of health, the fear of killing myself thru drinking has lessened alot. So it's almost like I'm celebrating the results and allowing myself to drink. Never mind that my physical was probably good because for months before it I had alot of AF days, took my supplements and ate really healthy. I am probably reversing all of the healing I've done before february.

Also, I haven't done anything really stupid (just mildly) while drunk or have had any bad hangovers since then (probably because I'm building up tolerance). I think I've just become more careful of when I drink and who I drink around in order not to "get caught" or humiliate myself. As a result, the fear of embarassment and the physical pain of hangovers seem like a distant memory, therefore also not a motivator to stop. So there's not much at the moment that's lighting a fire under me to stop drinking. I realize I almost need something really bad to happen to get restarted on the program today.

At this moment, 12:15pm, I can't even imagine wanting a drink, I am so determined - however, talk to me again after 5pm and I pray, I don't come up with some lame excuse to myself to "go ahead! you deserve it! the consequenses aren't really that bad etc, etc"......

I also just read something biker wrote in response to GG's post. He doesn't want to go back to doing stupid things, being an embarassing drunk, etc. - and those experiences have helped him on his road to recovery. For me though, I've managed to be more careful about my drinking and have avoided that lately (I think!) I almost feel like I need to do something really bad like I did over a year ago to get going again. How do you remember an awful hangover or a humiliating experience once it's in the past?

[goingsobermum]

gotta get some advice

It sounds like you are still doing really well. Do you want to moderate or abstain? Perhaps make some rules for yourself. Keep up the supplements and eat well, you are much more conscious now of looking after yourself so thats great.
It sounds like you are looking for an excuse to f**k up? I don't mean that nastily but instead of seeing what you are doing as a success you are critising yourself which is a sure step towards a binge. Love yourself and work out what you want from drinking or abstaining.

[lucky 2.0]

gotta get some advice

I can relate to your story. What I have found for me, is that I need to be physically active during the witching hour(s) or I cave in. I believe you really have to replace the drinking behavior with a different behavior to be successful.

All the best. It can be done. Look to the examples of success on the site.

[hablur]

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Samadhi,

Yesturday when I visited my Pdoc I asked hm a few questions about addiction and really discussed with him how my mind works when I start going for alcohol. The following is a scinario I gave him. Tell me if this rings at all how your mind works.

"I know it is the weekend and I decide on my way home from work that i am going to drink. I stop at the liquor store and make sure I buy enough to get drunk on both Friday and Saturday. But then my unrational drinking side kicks in even further and says what if I dont drink that much, then I will have some left over for Sunday. At which point I convince myself i need to buy more to insure I can get drunk on Sunday and I grab a few extra incase I drink more than intended on Friday or Saturday."

Now isn't that just some crazy thinking? When I am having good days I look at that and think what the hell is wrong with me? I have much better reasoning than that!

He advised two things for me to do:
1. Never keep more alcohol in the house than you drink in one sitting and if it is not enough, too bad, and if it is too much pour it out the next morning.
2. Since you will be forced to go to the store to get your alcohol, the minute you walk in the store start asking yourself if you really want it. Turn back around and head home. Keep thinking about it. If you arrive back at home and you still cant live without it then obviously you can go back and get it. The key to this one is it forces you to take time to really think about it.

I have read on here a lt of folks talk about stupid things. Doing stupid things generally wont kill you but are usually highly embassasing. Even though your health appears good I hve news for you... You are slowly killing yourself. Alcohol will enlarge your heart and unless they run tests for that no one will ever see it until it is too late. The liver is still damaged during EVERY episode of drinking. Because your liver can rebalance itself if you have been good for a bit any damage will not shown in blood tests but will show with a CT or MRI, so don't think you are getting away from it and being healthy.

I really do not think you neee something bad to happen to you. I would suggest the opposite... you need something really good to happen to you

Spend some time creating a list of the pro's and con's of what you get out of alcohol. My list is friking strange. Then think about it. It is a definate eye opener.

[peaches]

gotta get some advice

Sounds like your doing a good job at moderateing! Keep up the good work!

[Accountable for Me]

gotta get some advice

samadhi - what you are describing is the 'addiction' speaking to you. You have a 'clean bill of health' so your addiction is telling you - Why Not Drink?? There are many reasons why we all want to quit but I think one of the bigger reasons is we are afraid of dying from it. The fear of falling ill or dying is one of our biggest motivators for wanting to quit. So now that you don't have any current physical reasons to have to quit your brain is trying to convince you to stick with the drinking.

Have you tried journaling? I have heard it really helps to get your thoughts down on paper. When you can see your throughts/progress in moderating or whatever in black in white it really can put things into perspective for you.

I also have to reiterate what Lucky said. You will have to change your routine so you aren't sitting there twiddling your thumbs during the witching hour. Idle hands are the devil's playground they say. We have spent a lot of time developing this habit/addiction. It will take quite a bit of work to change/quit it. Hang in there.

[Bean]

gotta get some advice

Hi Samadhi
When i was a smoker I used to wish that I was a really good singer (I'm not at all!) or something that meant i had to protect my voice so I wouldn't smoke. Eventually I quit anyway and some months down the line I had the FANTASTIC realisation that I hadn't even thought about smoking for a whole day which became a week and then now I just don't think to do it any more. In fact I think it looks really wierd seeing people smoke and can't understand why I did it for so long.
However...am still on that 'smoking' side of the fence with alcohol. Now I wish I would get pregnant or something so there would be a legitimate reason not to drink. My rational head tells me there doesn;t need to be a 'legitimate' reason not to drink. Why is my/yours/all of our self esteem so low or whatever it is that we can't stop abusing ourselves for our OWN sake? I briefly went to AA last year and laughed when I heard myself telling another member that I wished I had some disease that meant I couldn't drink...dunno what I think alcoholism is!!
Anyway, not perhaps quite an answer to your question but I understand where you are coming from. I haven't got far enough down the line to experience your situation yet but I think humans are complex creatures and we need to be constantly stimulated by new and inetersting things. Sounds like you need to shake it up a bit. Just don't do that by going BACKWARDS to what you used to do.
Let us know how you get on. Love Bean x

[samadhi]

gotta get some advice

Thank you all for such well thought out suggestions! I can always come hear and get some good information. I like keeping busy during that 5 o'clock hour, I always just seem to be at home and - in your words - twidling my thumbs at that time. I will start planning something at that time. My husband is a responsible drinker and has one or two drinks after work - so it's hard for me not to keep alcohol in the house. But I suppose I could strictly limit it to what he drinks and not my liquour choice. And Bean - I can't wait for the day that I don't think about drinking (weather I drink or not) for a 24 hour period. I am very hopeful that one day I'll get there. Thanks again

[cassy]

gotta get some advice

Hi everyone..attended a really good seminar on nutrition today by a british accredited dietician.....i did shuffle a bit when she reached the subject of alcohol and the damage it does to the brain, kidneys, blood pressure etc...and no good pretending this poison is good for us either is it!!!

i could get fed up with myself about all the damage i,ve done so far but I am given to planning ahead not looking backwards to stuff I cant change.

Loaded up with fruit and veg and went for a walk after work...plan to not drink this evening...i must stick with this goal of no wine on weekdays...the weekends i will sort in stage 2.

Its amazing how a balanced diet makes me feel better....on bad evenings i drink wine, eat choc and wake up dehydrated .

strange how i kid myself i am keeping fit...i do eat reasonably healthy but then i pour in some poison....on paper this sounds mad....and i know it is crazy behaviour...oh the pull of addiction is as great as the pull of gravity at times isnt it?

Off to eat a mango!...Regards Cassy

[rudemama]

gotta get some advice

Hi Samadhi,
yeah i have been thinking alot about starting a post too. I replied to hablur, gg and long term moderation.... i guess i too am looking for answers. It seemed so easy when I was af. I didn't drink. I don't want to play the drinking games....you say "I think I've just become more careful of when I drink and who I drink around in order not to "get caught" or humiliate myself." i don't know if i can moderate. i am going to a party this weekend. I think to myself what do I want from the party . laugh, talk, have fun....not pound down a bottle of wine before i leave my house...drink a couple glasses of wine, not fall down...what the heck for 60 days i thought it was easy now i just don't know. I know i am not giving you advice... I haven't tried kudzu...maybe i should on the weekends......... i felt like i had my addiction under control... don't know how i feel about rules. don't drink wine after work before hubby gets home, don't drink a bottle before arriving at the party, don't pound 3 glasses when i walk in the door, .... I mean why do i drink? to get a buzz? does kudzu kill the buzz? is chasing the buzz wrong???? I don't know . If i don't get a little high why should i drink ... is getting a little high a gateway to getting wrecked... sorry i took over you post but i hear where you are coming from....I wish you well. i am here as i (we) navigate this difficult path. rudemama:h

[Arial]

gotta get some advice

Hi Samdhi,

If you want to get there again, you will - you know you can do it as you've done it before - and you don't need anything dreadful to happen to convince you - you already have the belief that this isn't what you want from your life otherwise you wouldn't be posting this...

I have to admit the quiet head is one of my main motivators - not to think about drink for a 24 hour period - It is just such a relief which is why I know I can't moderate. I love realising at the end of a day that alsohol hasn't been an issue, and this freedom actually started to go earlier than I had expected. Keeping a journal is indeed a good way of recording feelings or experiences. You'd probably realise just how well you're doing and how far you've come.

I have no advice to give, except that it has to come from the head and the heart. If this is the case then you'll soon be back on track and heading to wherever you see your future!

Congratulations on making the changes, applaud those, be proud of your achievement, and now decide where you want to go with this and how to get there - make an action plan not only to get past drinking hour but to restructure your life without alcohol- if you're anything like me you'll end up with large amounts of time newly free!

Good luck with everything!

[LegalEagle]

gotta get some advice

What a great post. I can totally relate to what you are saying. I never really started to make a fool of myself until about five years ago. Ironically, when I was younger, I drank a hell of a lot more, stayed up later, drank more often, etc. I had just hit that 40 year old plateau, and the old system wasn' metabolizing the alcohol like it used to. I made a fool out of myself at a couple business retreats, and at more than a few parties, something that never used to happen.

For the past year, I can say that I have not made a fool of myself once. I cannot say that my drinking has moderated, however. I have just kept it in the house, so to speak. I have also adjusted my schedule, now starting noonish, and shutting it down around 8:00 in the evening. I'm clearly intoxicated when I go to bed, but not staggering.

The problem is, my kids still see me drinking all Saturday and Sunday, and my wife can hear those subtle slurs that only a spouse can.

Moderation sounds like a great option in the abstract, but when I am really honest with myself, I see that I have no real interest in moderation. I always want to drink to the point of being buzzed.

I like the earlier reply about buying enough to last the weekend. I live in the southern U.S., and they don't sell alcohol until noon on Sundays. Now that is something one has to prepare for!

[Dog Woman]

gotta get some advice

Can one moderate and still have a buzz?

[julie001]

gotta get some advice

Hi everyone,

I can relate to so much in this post! I also used to drink a lot when I was younger and never had mental or physical problems (beyond a hangover). Nor did I beat myself up about it constantly. I didn't know that our bodies metabolize alcohol differently as we get older. Also, Cassy, I really liked your comment about "stage 2" of your plan. I have the same mindset. Stage 1 for me is to stop drinking alone and during the week. Once I have successfully gotten a handle on that I will move on to stage 2. Another great point was only having enough in the house for that evening. I cleaned out our liquor and beer supply kept on hand for social gatherings as my drinking escalated. This is what really first alarmed my husband to my problem with drinking. Finally, something that really gave me pause was the "quiet head". Since I've been somewhat successful at moderating, I totally understand what that means...although I wouldn't go as far as saying I have a quiet head now, but it is definitely "more quiet" than it was, that's for sure. As always, you all have such wonderful insight to share. Thanks.

Julie