ANGRY. SAD. SOBER.here goes nothing.

[aspman]

ANGRY.
I am so angry, all the time. Ever since the day I realized I had a drinking problem I have been full of a simmering rage, close to the surface and ready to boil over with little provocation. Once I had my drinking reined in my rage and anger whilst more under control is now even closer to the surface present almost constantly, affecting my actions. It is like a predator waiting for a meal, waiting to strike. Sometimes I feel like the rage is my way of sabotaging my happiness and my sobriety. Now I am sober the displays of anger are over so soon, but I do feel them lurking where I did not recognize them when I was self medicating with alcohol in the past. I am still able to be fully happy most of the time. My family is blessed to have each other and we do enjoy our life together.
I find I am overly critical of my Wife, I am oppressive and demeaning to her often, and I can see it but I can?t seem to stop myself. She does please me and she does do amazing things for us and our children. I am so proud to call her my wife and I love our quiet times together more than I let on. I think maybe my rough treatment of her is another way of punishing myself, in a backhanded way to sabotage my life with her and be able to excuse drinking again.
Recently we had some of the worst news a parent can have, we discovered our daughter (3) and our son (4) have for some time been sexually abused by their 11yr old uncle. The kids a FINE, and don't realise anything out of the ordinary which is both a blessing and a horrifying situation The police have been great and the wheels of justice are turning ever so slowly. I wish the uncle every opportunity to get the help he needs, which I hope includes some forced separation from the negative influence of his parents who seem hell bent on doing the worst possible job of raising an aware and community minded, a young man who knows his own self worth. Needless to say we have cut all tie from that part of our family, we only had contact to help him?of course I am full of feelings of blame and guilt, my rational mind knows I could have done no more to assist my children to be safe. When the danger lies within the walls we construct to keep our most precious little beings safe, the blame we put on ourselves is immense and unfounded. Knowing this does not seem to help me lessen these feelings.
The police put us onto some people who deal with this kind of thing, and yesterday 3 weeks after our first contacting them they have finally gotten back to us to book an induction appointment, not a counselling appointment mind you but an induction meeting? I am flabbergasted to hear, now after retuning back to work yesterday that the counselling will cost money and we need to get a referral of sorts from our GP, we all four of us will need to meet him, discuss the incident and he refers us?WTF? Why wait three weeks to tell someone that, so ANGRY right now you cannot know how infuriated I feel. At the time when the police put us onto these people I asked if it was worth paying for some counselling and they said to use these guys as they were the very best at this stuff. I agreed as I want the best help I can get, but it looks like another 3 or 4 weeks till we will see a counsellor. Maybe the second best help within a timely fashion would be more helpful than waiting all that time for advice and help?.I am starting to rant.
The uncle?s parents are not employed so no doubt he gets therapy no questions asked and more than likely it has already commenced, and as a tax payer I am paying for THAT as well. FFS!
I have waited almost a month to post something openly about this on MWO I needed time to come to some terms first. Sorry to upset anyone but I feel I need to hear from some of you incredible and wise people whom I love like my own blood.
I will not drink!

Love and peace aspy.

[paulywogg]

ANGRY. SAD. SOBER.here goes nothing.

That's horrible! the sad part is that most molestations happen by a family member,but this uncle being so young it would've never crossed my mind,i don't blame you for being pissed as hell,proud you stayed sober

[little beagle]

ANGRY. SAD. SOBER.here goes nothing.

I am so sorry you are going through this. The age of the uncle. Just wow. I wouldn't think to watch for that either.
I too would think immediate help would be the first priority when children have been injured.
I am glad you came here and posted this. Doing that has been therapeutic for me in the past. Just getting it out helps and the compassion of your community can be healing.
I wish you strength as you struggle to find your way through this.

[available]

ANGRY. SAD. SOBER.here goes nothing.

Asp i feel for you totally. My now 27 year old daughter sat on a stool one morning when she was 6 years old (i will never forget it as long as i live) and told me she wanted to talk, i was busy with getting her brothers and sisters ready to drive to the airport and said "later honey". She started to cry and told me that "uncle Stuart" had touched her. I froze, my world fell apart, he was my best friends husband. the anger i felt with the incompetency of all the farking paperwork that needed to be done, the police reports, them telling me that it would be harder on my daughter to go to court than on him. Trying to get her into counselling, trying to get my best friend to leave that perverted arsehole. Nothing happened at the end of the day, she did not leave, he was not charged and my daughter was damaged. I took her to counselling and did all i could. I was so angry, she was my child, i wanted to protect her and look at what happened. Nothing! Push Asp and push some more to get your kids the help they need. I blamed myself but now realise that i had to direct my feelings somehow. Counselling has helped me let that anger and sadness go but it changed us all as a family. Ring the free help lines and talk to them, ring the Salvation Army, Red Cross as they have counselling services. The police have their protocol to follow and the wheel turn like bricks. Your gp should be able to advise you also. I just love the way we, the workers, have to pay and yet as you said the childs family gets it for nothing. Do they remove the child from the family or let him stay? I know i tried to get my friend to leave as she had two girls and yet she chose to stay, i always wonder what he did to their lives and why she stayed. i have no contact with them anymore, it does my head in that i could not do anything.

Rant to anyone that will listen Asp, keep pushing and pushing, they are your children and at the end of the day they are our world. I felt a sense of failure with my daughter and it sounds like you are feeling like that now. Just take one day at a time, be there for your wife as i am sure she is feeling the same, maybe this is what you both need to get closer again.

this post is probably all over the place but memories are fierce when they come to the fore and it still pisses me off 21 years later on how my daughter was treated like the criminal and he got off scott free.

I hope things work out for you Asp, my daughter has grown into a beautiful woman but the scars are there, gently scratching that nothing was done to him, the perpetrator.

Take care and i do hope that things go well for you. Keep loving those children and your wife with all that you can give.

[aspman]

ANGRY. SAD. SOBER.here goes nothing.

thanx guys,
I feel for you availABLE.. WHOOPS CAPS LOC THERE.
we know in our head its not our fault, but the heart feels like hurting this bad can only be from your own fault. non?

[scottish lass]

ANGRY. SAD. SOBER.here goes nothing.

You have every right to be angry, and hopefully sharing will help a little bit to let off some of the pressure so you can continue as you need to.
I am so sorry for what you are facing, and sending hope in that you can get thru this.
I am never ceased to be amazed at what people are facing, and continue to strive for soberiety.
I feel for your wife too, but it can be so easy to lash out at those we love - hopefully you can share what you have written with her, so she can understand a little?

[fennel]

ANGRY. SAD. SOBER.here goes nothing.

Aspman, I am SO SORRY for what your little ones have gone through. I also feel you about the anger.

Just a thought...I wonder if the young uncle has been tampered with as well? It seems so crazy that one so young would be into abusing kids. Just a thought, might be completely unfounded. I wish you all the best. :h

[lucky 2.0]

ANGRY. SAD. SOBER.here goes nothing.

Aspy,

I am so sorry. I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers.

xo

[SKendall]

ANGRY. SAD. SOBER.here goes nothing.

Aspy, I totally understand your anger, even before you discovered this incident. When we put down the glass not all of our issues are resolved, we just stop drinking. I strongly recommend counselling for this and I know you love your life and it can't be comfortable for her.

As for as the molestation is concerned, turn every rock over that you need to to get those little ones feeling safe and secure. Sounds like the system is not in your favour, but be proactive in every sense and take care of those closest to you. Your heart is aching as is your wife's and it may be a lengthy process to come through it, but make every effort. You deserve it.

[fennel]

ANGRY. SAD. SOBER.here goes nothing.

Well said, SKendall.

[tawnyfrog]

ANGRY. SAD. SOBER.here goes nothing.

Aspy,

Before I say anything about the topic, let me re-wind. I remember when you first came to MWO and your initial? post impressed the hell out of me. If I recall correctly, you wanted to stop drinking when you realised that your then very young boy completely copied the way you drank beer with his milk/juice drink. The ritual. That scared you enough to knock things on the head. We often refer to you as the Undies Poster Boy because since that pivotal moment you have not once had an "oops, I slipped" moment. You've tested yourself in all sorts of social situations and never fell off the wagon.

But it gets better. As your little family grew, you started addressing issues other than the booze. You set out to lose weight which, surprise surprise, you did. You began training for a triathlon which, surprise surprise, you completed. You continue to challenge yourself to be the best and rightfully most deserving dad. The photos we've seen on the Undies are an absolute joy - here is a man, a husband, a father with only good things on his mind ...

So then the ugly stuff happened. Whilst I'm sure all parents are on the lookout for potential questionable people surrounding their kids, I don't think an 11-yo family member would be on your radar as a threat. You would have to be gutted. But the ultimate insult is ... the authorities/the system/the dickheads are dragging their feet an not offering the sort of support you need right now so of course you're fusking ANGRY! You've done everything to sort yourself out, to put in, to make a good life for the four of you and you'd just have to wonder "what's the fusking point?"

I also know that we lash out at those closest to us but have absolutely no doubt that you adore your wife. She's hurting too right now. I'm not trying to play amateur shrink here but:

Give yourself permission to feel the anger. Anger is ok.

There is no blame. You could not have protected them from this.

Keep holding onto the dream. Live in the knowledge that you, your beautiful wife and your two beautiful children are an indestructible unit who can face and conquer anybloodything.

Now go and gimme 20km on the bike.... and do a few laps in the pool just to get the feel-good endorphins flowing ...

All jokes aside, Aspy, I hold you in high regard. You will, as you always do, get through this.

[byebyebridgetjones]

ANGRY. SAD. SOBER.here goes nothing.

So very well said Frog....

[aspman]

ANGRY. SAD. SOBER.here goes nothing.

thanks guys, super.
the i finally got onto a police lady who was surprised that the second advocacy group the y usual refer people to had not contacted us the next day. she said she would submit an application for us and i just got an auto sms from them, so that's gr8.
there is a Chaplin at the school, isn't that a church/Catholic based thing?

[aspman]

ANGRY. SAD. SOBER.here goes nothing.

you made me bawl so hard super i forgot i was topping up the fish tank, the kids recon i am "silly daddy" which makes me smile.

I think i need a puppy.

[tawnyfrog]

ANGRY. SAD. SOBER.here goes nothing.

aspman;1655826 wrote:
I think i need a puppy.

Hmmm ... let's just start with a tortoise, shall we? You silly daddy ...