Need a push

[looking for peace]

I have been a long time reader an a sporadic poster for many years. I love this forum. I admire so many of you for what you have accomplished and your willingness to reach out and help others. I thank you so much!

I decided I want to be honest about my current drinking pattern in an effort to get some kind of paradigm shift about drinking in my brain. For the last 7 months, I have been pretty successful at controlling my drinking (since my husband moved out). I allow myself 2 drinks 2 times a week, only when I am out.

On my restaurant days, I feel that anticipation starting about an hour before. Not about the food, but the wine. I feel really good during that first glass, especially if it's a really nice day and I get an outdoor seat. By the time the second glass reaches the table, the panic strikes. Oh no, it's my last one for awhile! Do I drink it quickly or slowly? Do I dare stop at the liquor store for just a little split on my way home? How do I hang in there for the rest of the evening?

Somehow I make it home without that bottle, but the rest of the evening in full of anxiety and the should I or shouldn't I go to the store before it closes. The next day I am grateful I stopped at 2 drinks and happy and proud that I won't drink for the next few days. Then my next restaurant day rolls along and the anticipation starts again and the roller coaster ride continues.

For some reason after all these years, I still think I can control it. What I have been doing it proves that physically I have been able to do it, after all. But it my mind, it's a whole other story. I hate the mental game. Don't get me wrong, I feel much better than I did when I drank a bottle plus most nights of the week. This state is way better than before, but it's not freedom or it's not where I would like to be mentally. The mental game is just as intense now as it was months earlier, so time doesn't help this.

If I could be a normal occasional drinker, the mental chatter would be about something else. How good the food is, how nice the decor is, etc. Not about all the other stuff.

What is stopping me from taking the plunge? Why am I finding it so hard to say forever? What do I think I am accomplishing by my little plan? I am so frustrated. Any insights or thoughts about this would be so welcome. Thanks

[wagmore]

Need a push

looking for peace;1671455 wrote:

By the time the second glass reaches the table, the panic strikes.

The next day I am grateful I stopped at 2 drinks and happy and proud that I won't drink for the next few days. Then my next restaurant day rolls along and the anticipation starts again and the roller coaster ride continues.

I hate the mental game.

This state is way better than before, but it's not freedom or it's not where I would like to be mentally.

If I could be a normal occasional drinker...

What is stopping me from taking the plunge? Why am I finding it so hard to say forever? What do I think I am accomplishing by my little plan? I am so frustrated. Any insights or thoughts about this would be so welcome. Thanks

Hi LFP,

I applaud your honesty and your decision to reach out for help/input here on the boards. I don't know your back-story, and I'm pretty much a newbie here on MWO, but I'll toss my two cents into this discussion.

Actually, I think you have a lot of the answers right there in your post (see excerpts I quoted above). Yes, you feel better than when you were drinking a lot more, but it also sounds like what you are currently doing is causing you far more angst and mental torture than any "benefit" you are receiving.

Have you tried something like 30/60/90 days without any AL just to see if the mental spin-cycle decreases?

The concept of "forever" is a difficult one for many people I think. There are few things in this life that are really that permanent, so I think we (and our brains) don't get a lot of practice dealing with things as such.

It seems that some people do better going AF with a commitment to forever, making AL non-negotiable (I am one of those people). It saves me a lot of hemming, hawing, bargaining, justifying, etc. It is NOT always easy, but I think it's the best path for me. Other people seem to do better with one day at a time: I won't drink TODAY. Only you can determine which perspective is easier or makes more sense for you.

On the other hand, if you are looking for ideas about how to continue your current drinking pattern but relieve the mental gymnastics you go through each time, there I have no suggestions. I personally think that's the nature of the beast, or at least that has been my experience. Perhaps other people who have taken different paths and developed different strategies can chime in if that is what you are looking for.

Either way, I wish you the best and would be happy to chat further if it would be of any help.

[guapo]

Need a push

I Hear You, LFP

Your story sounds just like me (although not as long for me). The chatter is getting better bit by bit, but there is a "hole" in my day, that I'm fine with (used to filled with AL), as long as I do something else.

Does seem though that with hypnosis etc, I can feel OK with usually one, and rarely 2 drinks. Also, since I'm using Naltrexone, I don't get a great buzz, but still enjoy small amounts of alcohol.

As you say though, it's WAY better than 3 bottles of wine/day.

The hypnotherapist and I have worked on helping the subconscious tell the irrational conscious me that drinking isn't important, a little bit is fine, etc etc.

It's made a difference, but it's still a lot of thinking about AL, but surprisingly very few urges. Hope that helps !!

[NoSugar]

Need a push

Hi, Looking for Peace

As long as AL has a voice that you listen to, I don't think you can truly find the peace you're seeking and from your post, it sounds like you already know that.

Your brain cannot truly heal without a good period of abstinence. This is a very informative podcast: The Bubble Hour: Special Guest, Dr. John Kelly: Changing the Stigma of Addiction Through Science.

If you're not ready to quit for good, I agree with Wagmore: quit for a specific period of time and then see how you feel. A minimum time period seems to be 30 days but frankly, I think that is much too short to see the true benefits of becoming AF.

All the best, NS

[Sunbeam]

Need a push

Hi Peace,
You are in a large group, I believe, those who can control their drinking but it takes a lot of effort. I finally realized that I would rather use that effort for actual accomplishments. I have no desire to drink now, my life is under my control. It took me a few years of posting here to realize that, reading the very personal stories and realizing how bad it could get for me. I don't know how long you can keep fighting the urge to drink more, but I found that my amounts were increasing. Finally one day I saw too many of my bottles in the recycle bin, and decided I was done drinking for good. I had to fight the urge to drink again for a few weeks, but it got easier as more time passed. I found the list linked in my signature line very helpful, but at that point I was ready to be done, and just needed some more tools. You could start posting regularly here, wherever you would be most comfortable. You know you will be well supported.

[Ginger999]

Need a push

Hi Peace,
I'm a newbie too so this is only my humble newbie opinion.... For me, moderation just led to more stress than it was worth. I'd start worrying (just like you) about how much/when/would I be able to stop?, etc. It just seemed like it was all comsuming trying to manage that. I wanted freedom of AL and for me, the only way I could achieve that was to remove it from my life. No more how much/when/stopping. Just DONE and it feels awesome! I'm on day 40 AF so I know I have more to experience but I already feel that freedom that I was searching for. I'm not saying it wasn't hard those first couple of weeks but 6 weeks in I can honestly say I'm reaping the benefits of abstaining. Good luck.... I hope you find the answer that best suits you.

[K9Lover]

Need a push

Welcome back LFP!

Sounds like your drinking has become a lot of WORK! That's how it was for me too...I spent so much time thinking about it, planning for it, getting my supplies together, cleaning up the next day, trying to pace myself, pouring out the leftovers in shame the next day...etc, etc, etc. It became harder to drink than to NOT drink. Yes, the mental aspect is the hardest part. All I can suggest is that you get some good sober time under your belt and see how you feel. The first few days/weeks can be hard, but NOT impossible! Change your routine, stay busy, eat well...each day it will get easier. Also, stick close to us..we can help!!

Love,
K9

[looking for peace]

Need a push

Thank you all for your quick responses. I like the leap of faith plan and giving myself some AF time for at least a month.

Like a lot of you have implied, I have to stop hoping for that magic pill. Every time I drink, It's like getting into a boxing ring with Mike Tyson once again and hoping that this time I will not be knocked down. I seem to me able to white knuckle it to my pre set limit, but the mental torture is still there in full force.

Today, after a Zumba class and a long walk with my friend, I am settling in with an old movie while giving myself a manicure with my new mint green shade of nail polish. My sons are out with their dad for dinner.

I really enjoy evenings like this need to focus on the good parts of being sober. :thanks:

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

Need a push

Looking for Peace,

There IS Peace.

There IS something even better than a "Magic Pill".

It's looking at yourself in the mirror in the morning... maybe looking a little tired, but not red eyed.
No puffed up eyes as evidence of a crying fit that you had the night before (but don't remember).
No horrific moments of anxiety, wondering what/if/how you acted in front of your sons.
No awkward moments in the morning when your sons are looking for you to explain your behavior the night before (that you don't remember).
No half-baked excuses that you were vomiting because you had "food poisoning".
No worries about where to hide the empty bottles so that your sons don't see how much your really drank.
No worries, when you go to work, if your co-workers can smell the alcohol on your breath.
No half a$$ed explanations as to why you missed an important work deadline.

I could go on, and on, and on, but the truth is, Peace, that you are blessed.
You have the recognition in your brain that you must make a change.
You know that what you are playing with- pretending to moderate- is becoming an all too important obsession.

You need a Push? Look at your sons.
Look at the gift you are giving to them.
You are FIGHTING these temptations, and you are WINNING.
You are being the role model that they not only want, but they deserve.
They love you, green nail polish and all, and they want you to be the mom. :l

Hugs. You can do this. Patty

[Ginger999]

Need a push

And one other added bonus of being AF..... When you get that call from one of your kids that they need a last minute ride and you can jump in your car and go. No worrying about the drinking and driving because there is no drinking! Had that happen to me last night and I was out the door in 10 minutes. In the past, I'd have had to made some other arrangements because I would have had a snoot full by 8pm and in no shape to drive. Just sayin'

[scottish lass]

Need a push

looking for peace;1671455 wrote: .
Why am I finding it so hard to say forever?

Gosh - my story! Or what I would like it to be - I was not as strong as you, and once I started, forget the split on the way home, it would definately be a whole, and then as the one I liked was on sale, may as well get two.
I cannot say never - or forever, that has me panicked, so I just way for now, and slowly but surely it started to mount up, and the more it does, the harder it is to consider breaking it.
I know I don't want to go back, but no way am I going to say forever - I took the long road, and the gentle approach, and daily it is working...
You are obviously strong as you manage to stop at two - I could not do that, I would guess that if you are that disciplined, you can manage whatever you set your mind to.
I just reached 100 days after 4 years trying, and fell into a big funk - once I worked out that I needed to set my mind to an achievable goal, back I am in business. Missing wine - HECK YES! Happy to be sober, you better believe it - can't have it both though, so just keeping plodding thru today...

[looking for peace]

Need a push

Great push Happy Hour. I will come back to this thread often, especially when the chatter starts.

[j-vo]

Need a push

Looking for Peace,
I think you decided on the right move. Take 30 and see how it that affects the chatter in your mind. It's amazing the relief and freedom one can feel. Good luck to you!

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

Need a push

Ginger, I am the same way when it comes to my "before" and my "after". Before, when I was drinking, my kids were (sadly) wise to the fact that I would not be available for any driving in the evenings. As they got older, I became the designated rider, as they needed a legal (albeit drunk) adult in the vehicle. After, I am now able to be a normal parent who can be responsible and drive.

scottish lass;1671640 wrote:

I cannot say never - or forever, that has me panicked, so I just way for now, and slowly but surely it started to mount up, and the more it does, the harder it is to consider breaking it.
I know I don't want to go back, but no way am I going to say forever - I took the long road, and the gentle approach, and daily it is working...

Scottish Lass, like you, I feel that if I say" I'm NEVER going to drink again", then I will try again (and FAIL again) to moderate. I have been very private about my decision to "not drink", for I don't want to firstly admit that it WAS a problem and then others will feel compelled to comment on my decision. This is my journey, shared with my closest friends and family. It's not a Facebook Status.

The danger, for me, of having a "30 day break" often means that on day 31, the alcohol genie taps me on the shoulder and whispers....
"SEE! I told you so! You DO NOT have a "problem". Everyone over reacted! Now let's go celebrate!" :dancin:

I've been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Today, I am much stronger. When I feel the temptation of drinking, I look at my immediate days before, my little accomplishments that are part of the transformed me, and tell myself that "For now, I will not drink. I may change my mind later, but when I think of the restored relationships, the relief in my children's eyes of finding their mom Sober at night... I must do this. For me." :h
:l

[Byrdlady]

Need a push

Looking! I have been pondering your plight since you posted this thread. Since you asked, I an inclined to respond!

Do you remember that country song " Looking for love in all the wrong places?" Your situation is reminiscent of that. As your name implies, if you are looking for peace, as an alcoholic, there is only ONE place to find it. I can hear the silent protests from here! But Byrdie, I'm not really an alkie! This condition we have really has 2 states, you are or you're not. Kinda like being pregnant. So if we look at the facts, I would dare to say you are on our team. You have been fighting this for a long time....what is the ONLY thing you HAVEN'T tried? Yep, quitting for good. I went back and reviewed some of your posts. Sometimes when other people's words wont sink in, our own words will. This is one of your posts from Jan 2010. It is a really great post and analogy.

You wrote:
This book is really helping me, although it is taking a few readings and re-readings for it to sink in for me. We've been brainwashed for years to believe there is something positive in drinking (a treat, relieving anxiety and boredom, etc.) As long as we believe that there is even one tiny bit of reward in drinking, we will be miserable when we can't have a drink and even more miserable and disgusted when we do.

When we have periods of abstinence we are just waiting to scratch that itch and finally give into the craving because be know it's the only thing that relieves that itch. Like the author says, it's like purposely wearing really tight shoes all day and feeling the moment of relief when you finally take them off at the end of the day. It's shear pleasure for about 1 minute. We like that feeling so much that we forget that it was wearing tight shoes that caused the discomfort in the first place. It's the same with alcohol.... it causes the anxiety, boredom, discomfort in the first place. It doesn't relieve it.

I found that I need this message pounded into me over and over (like reverse brainwashing). I've spent the last 3 months going over parts of this book daily. I find the days I spend at least 15 minutes on this message, I have a really easy time not drinking. I just realize there is absolutely no point.

With that in mind, I purchased the Allen Carr CD "The Easy Way to Stop Smoking" to listen to the same message while I'm driving.(Easy Way to Stop Drinking is not available on CD) It's the same message, same scenarios, I just substitute "drinking" for "smoking" when I listen. I find I can never hear this message enough. So if you've read it only once or twice, keep reading... and maybe buy the CD.

End quote

Pretty powerful, huh. Why not give the real solution a try? Once you are out of the AL grip you can see so clearly that holding onto to it as long as we did was just ridiculous. It is NOT worth it. The benefit/ reward balance just isnt paying off anymore. You can find that MindPeace. It is a wonderful thing, too. Forever was hard for all of us to swallow, but when you think of forever in terms of the agony that AL is causing, that seems a lot worse to me than forever quitting! All the best, Byrdie