That was weird....counseling appointment...
I apologize ahead of time if I don't answer something. Just tucking into bed after a few hours of studying and am a little tired but felt I should respond tonight and start tomorrow anew.
This counselor is an addictions counselor. She is rather young and not sure if she just started working there as to be quite honest - everyone else there is...well, looks more experienced. Anyways, these counsellors also work with a rehab that happens to be across the street. So both places are very gung-ho AA.
I didn't get a sponsor and I haven't worked the steps. No.
I have tried going to different meetings. Open ones. Closed ones. All women ones. Ones outside of my city but for some reason there is just this nagging feeling inside of me that pipes up loud and clear that doesn't say to me "woah! This ain't your crowd". It instead says "hey! these are your people...but....this ain't your style". And what I mean by that is, it's not my path. I have tried to take things from it and I am more open then ever before but it isn't working. At all. So I really don't feel like AA is for me like it is for other people. I won't force myself to conform. I will only drive myself crazy or put pressure on myself which then will lead me to darker paths. I think.
I don't believe I ever had support from AA in the first place. I find more support from here, my family and friends and partner. My dogs and myself. I just feel like my path is different. To each their own. I am not knocking it but I just want to make it clear I am not alone. I always have someone to call if something were to happen or if I needed to decompress.
And I agree with you Spiritwolf. Thank you. I agree with what many people on here are saying.
I am not complacent. Nor am I growing complacent. There are moments though where I fear that one day I might be.
I am not sitting here saying everything is coming up roses.
I had a shitty appointment and just needed to vent. Maybe that is an option. Find another counsellor. She is nice and everything but I don't feel we are connecting and we are talking about regular ol' things that I am already aware of.
My recovery, my sobriety, my sessions, who I see and when I see them, what friends or people I let go of, what I do and don't do at this point are all mine. They are my decisions and this is my path and it is supposed to be met on my terms in some way. I know I may have said life happens on life's terms but as I sit and think about it I don't fully believe that. Life should be on our terms in some way. We can control it. If we couldn't then we wouldn't very well be doing what we are doing now.
I protect my quit. Or else I would not become defensive. And not defensive in a "she's in her own little world and she doesn't know what's coming." But defensive where, I won't let people say I am not doing a good enough job at this point where for the past five months I have worked my ass off. I honestly could not imagine throwing everything that I put effort into for a drink or five.
I know I say this now, at a calm and relaxed state but even when I am stressed out or beyond angry and that craving may come up I still need to be level headed.
Anyways. Happy 5 months to me.
And I ended up finishing this today anyways, lol.
I apologize ahead of time if I don't answer something. Just tucking into bed after a few hours of studying and am a little tired but felt I should respond tonight and start tomorrow anew.
This counselor is an addictions counselor. She is rather young and not sure if she just started working there as to be quite honest - everyone else there is...well, looks more experienced. Anyways, these counsellors also work with a rehab that happens to be across the street. So both places are very gung-ho AA.
I didn't get a sponsor and I haven't worked the steps. No.
I have tried going to different meetings. Open ones. Closed ones. All women ones. Ones outside of my city but for some reason there is just this nagging feeling inside of me that pipes up loud and clear that doesn't say to me "woah! This ain't your crowd". It instead says "hey! these are your people...but....this ain't your style". And what I mean by that is, it's not my path. I have tried to take things from it and I am more open then ever before but it isn't working. At all. So I really don't feel like AA is for me like it is for other people. I won't force myself to conform. I will only drive myself crazy or put pressure on myself which then will lead me to darker paths. I think.
I don't believe I ever had support from AA in the first place. I find more support from here, my family and friends and partner. My dogs and myself. I just feel like my path is different. To each their own. I am not knocking it but I just want to make it clear I am not alone. I always have someone to call if something were to happen or if I needed to decompress.
And I agree with you Spiritwolf. Thank you. I agree with what many people on here are saying.
I am not complacent. Nor am I growing complacent. There are moments though where I fear that one day I might be.
I am not sitting here saying everything is coming up roses.
I had a shitty appointment and just needed to vent. Maybe that is an option. Find another counsellor. She is nice and everything but I don't feel we are connecting and we are talking about regular ol' things that I am already aware of.
My recovery, my sobriety, my sessions, who I see and when I see them, what friends or people I let go of, what I do and don't do at this point are all mine. They are my decisions and this is my path and it is supposed to be met on my terms in some way. I know I may have said life happens on life's terms but as I sit and think about it I don't fully believe that. Life should be on our terms in some way. We can control it. If we couldn't then we wouldn't very well be doing what we are doing now.
I protect my quit. Or else I would not become defensive. And not defensive in a "she's in her own little world and she doesn't know what's coming." But defensive where, I won't let people say I am not doing a good enough job at this point where for the past five months I have worked my ass off. I honestly could not imagine throwing everything that I put effort into for a drink or five.
I know I say this now, at a calm and relaxed state but even when I am stressed out or beyond angry and that craving may come up I still need to be level headed.
Anyways. Happy 5 months to me.
And I ended up finishing this today anyways, lol.
Comment