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    #61
    Domestic violence

    Kitty, I can see your strength growing in every post. Keep building it.

    I urge you to get out as soon as you can. He uses your drinking as a weapon against you. Congrats on taking that away from him. Be aware that abusers are very clever at finding new weapons - he'll find another "flaw" that "gives him permission" to beat you so that "it won't be his fault".

    You are afraid you won't be loved again - it sounds to me like you are loved a lot here :h :h .

    Please take care of yourself. And leave now.

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      #62
      Domestic violence

      Dear Kitty,
      I pray you are OK at this moment. Every piece of advice here is excellent. Scooby made it easy for you. Call one of those places immediately & go there immediately.

      Stop talking to his mother. In a dire situation she will choose her son over you. It is natural.

      Call the police when you get to one of these "safe-houses". That is what we call them here. Do not have a scene at your flat.

      The more you delay the more time he & his mother will have time to work on your head even if they are not conscious they are doing it.

      Get out now!!!. You are deluding yourself if you think you are safe today. It coudl get much worse now that it is coming to a head.

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        #63
        Domestic violence

        I will be praying for you. May your angels be with you.
        Peace & Love to you...C

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          #64
          Domestic violence

          Kitty, (this is Determinatrix)

          It is difficult to separate the heart and the mind sometimes. Your heart says you love him deeply. Your brain says how do I get out of this. The brain usually knows right from wrong and does not often flip flop on the important issues. The heart changes often.

          (Think about long term married couples: they do not wake up in love everyday. Sometimes they slug thru the commitment side of marriage. But they usually stick to vows because it is right and fair.)

          If your sister or mother or daughter came to you and told you this was happening to her, what would you reccommend to her? Set aside your heart right now.

          Better times are ahead.

          Reading all the stories here it almost seems a rite of passage for a woman to believe in herself that she deserves better and to make the move. I bet most of these women here think leaving an abusive partner is one of the smartest and most empowering things they have ever done.

          Be kind to yourself,
          Dx
          nosce te ipsum
          (Know Thyself)

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            #65
            Domestic violence

            kitty, NO do not tell his Mom!!! blood is thicker than water. She will tell him, especially when pressured. Just tell her you'll be in touch and then forget about doing it.
            I care
            Mar

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              #66
              Domestic violence

              Kitty,
              In the Uk you can go to the police and get an alarm, a friend did it once when her boyfriend had gone mad, smashed the house up etc. She didn't want to press charges but they gave her an alarm in case he came back. Might be handy to have if he finds out your plans.
              Be carefull and with his Mum, she will side with him in the end.
              You said you had moved away from friends and family and had no job etc, that means you have nothing to loose. Could you go back to where your family and friends are?
              Keep in touch, don't drop this.
              Lots of Love and hugs
              Suz
              Suz
              Happy to be sober since 07 Sept 09.

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                #67
                Domestic violence

                Oh MY God

                I am just reading this post - missed it yesterday and I am so glad to see your post Kitty and that you are stronger and planning to leave and are not going to tell his mother which I think is a very good idea. The pain in this post makes my life look like a fairy tale. I burst in tears when I read Popeye's. I am so glad you realized that a suicide pact was insane and would hurt your family - my dad committed suicide and it is a gift that keeps on giving for years and years. He is nuts. I will be praying for you and looking to see that you are somewhere safe. Please do not even think about him or his family - you are all that matters now.

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                  #68
                  Domestic violence

                  Hi kitty thought about the violence you have received several times today. so here is the national domestic violence Helpline:

                  0808 2000 247......get dialling

                  hope you get the courage to leave the abusive boyfriend very soon and take heart and believe in yourself. A better way of living awaits..go grab it!!

                  Regards Cassy

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                    #69
                    Domestic violence

                    Hi Kitty
                    I really hope you are okay. Everyone here has already given you amazing advice and insight and it sounds like you know what you have to do.
                    Please don't let him talk you out of leaving because you know, if he gets wind that you will leave he will probably try to beg you to stay, make you feel sorry and put on the charm full force. This is TYPICAL AND PREDICTABLE behaviour from an abusive person. Then, when you maintain your stance that you are leaving, he may turn extremely violent. Often, people are killed when they are trying to leave (I am not trying to scare you, just make you aware that even though you might feel safe, this could very well be the most dangerous/critical time for you - and you need to be two steps ahead of him). As for the mother, I agree with everyone here - she will side with him in the end so be CAREFUL. YOU SHOULD LEAVE WHEN HE IS NOT AROUND - set a plan in motion right now and GO - I know its hard but you seem to know that there is little choice but to do it that way so you can avoid possible harm and even much worse.

                    This is the right decision, Kitty. You are a good and strong person and deserve so much better than this. We all do. The violence would probably increase if you married him because then the control would be more established. i am not trying to generalize but these are predictable patters. I fear for your safety - it is already this bad when you are not even married yet! Thats a bad sign. AND, violence often tends to increase when a woman becomes pregnant or just after a child is born. As you say, you cannot subject children to this. I am just giving you some simple facts from experience and my understanding of abusive people in general.
                    We are here for you and will be checking in. Please keep us updated. We are so worried.
                    Love Jen
                    Over 4 months AF :h

                    Comment


                      #70
                      Domestic violence

                      Kitty-
                      I too am late reading this story, and it's making me so mad. I used to watch my mother get beat up all the time, and it was terrible.
                      I agree with everything everyone said. You can do this, I know it seems hard, but you have to. I may have missed this, but do you have friends that you can stay with back where you moved from? That will make it a bit easier for you.

                      I know we are talking anti-violence, but I wish I could beat your fiance up. Sorry, but I do.

                      I hope you are OK today. We are all here for you.

                      E

                      Comment


                        #71
                        Domestic violence

                        Not only do I want him beaten up- I want him whacked. Sorry...
                        Sunny days, sweeping the, clouds away. On my way, to where the air is sweeeet!!! Can you tell me how to get, how to get to......LOL

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                          #72
                          Domestic violence

                          Awwww Kitty, I am just coming across this post. I am so very sorry you have gone through this. You do sound a bit stronger.

                          All of the above advise is wonderful. I would like to take it a step further. If you tell your own parents, get some financial help from them but do not even stay with them, get to a private, safe house. Someplace your fiancee would NEVER think about. Put a restraining order on him and that alarm sounds great too. There is a certain peace in knowing he can not find you. Time alone and you will like the lady deep inside you and be happy that you are no longer in this abusive relationship. Tawny said it when she said alone time. . . .It is quite healing.

                          Wish you the absolute safest and best trip from this place.

                          Huge hugs,
                          Mary

                          Comment


                            #73
                            Domestic violence

                            Dear all,

                            Just checking in to let you know how I'm doing. I am absoultely going to leave him, and soon!!!

                            I have been in a rotten mood with him tonight because he is walking around with big sad puppy dog eyes and sighing alot. I asked him why he kept sighing and he said "I'm letting out bad air". I didn't say anthing but thought he could blow up a hot air balloon with the amount of badness that's in him.

                            One of you said be careful that his rotteness doesn't rub off on me and I can feel it happening. I could quite literally murder him right now (don't worry I won't) I used to look at him and see a beautiful kind cuddly man, now he just looks like a disgusting lump.

                            He has put on weight lately and was lying on the sofa earlier and started snoring at about 8.00pm!! He's not even quite asleep when he does it, and usually it's kind of endearing but tonight I said "you sound like the bloody elephant man, prop yourself up on the cusions, and stop dribbling!", I told him he was disgusting and he sulked and went to bed.

                            I'm so bloody mad I want to scream, and I know I'm dicing with death by being moody with him, but the anger I am feeling has at least strengthened my resolve to leave him. I have contacted a friend today who says I can live with him back in London and as soon as my mom has settled in to her new house this weekend I will get my stepdad to come and collect my things.

                            Please don't anyone worry tonight, I have kind have learned the drill now and know it would be ages before he did it again, but this time I'm not going to get sucked back into that sense of safety again. Because it will happen again, even if I stopped drinking which I am still going to try and stop. Day 3 af today but only just. Next time it will be because I haven't hoovered or I haven't washed the bathroom floor!! He will always find an excuse.

                            Thanks again everyone, I hope you are all ok and have had a good day today.

                            :l

                            Kitty



                            Thanks for your support guys
                            Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
                            Confucius

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                              #74
                              Domestic violence

                              Kitty,
                              I also just read this post and I am so glad that you sound so much stronger. I agree with everyone else that it is time to get out and that things will not get better. Love does not hurt, period.

                              Take care and be safe
                              "Keep your eyes and heart focused on the end goal at all times, and never settle for less."

                              Comment


                                #75
                                Domestic violence

                                Thanks for checking in letting us know you are ok. I'm so glad you are leaving - what a relief. Take L-glut and stay AF to keep your wits about you. His past does not predict his future behavior. I hope soon is in the morning, I will worry until you are out of there, even though I don't know you.

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