Announcement

**cassy** · May 30, 2007, 03:19 PM

Domestic violence

Oh dear so sorry you are in this situation...please dont blame your drinking for HIS violence. It is never acceptable as you already know deep down to be violent to anybody.

but as you are counting ..4 times has to be the last time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know as a drinker too that you may have self esteem problems and cant see a way out of the situation but you do have choices.

You could go get some counselling(not always an imediate option though)

you could move out..go stay with a friend for a while..remove yourself from the situation.

you need to cut the booze or greatly reduce the intake so you can get some clear thinking and dont risk becoming aggressive and out of control.

we all fear change, we fear the unknown and stick in our comfort zones particularly if we feel crap about ourselves, our drinking etc.

BUT..i believe we stand alone in this world(in my case as a christian with God by my side)and therefore we only get this life.

You stay as he is supportive of you...doesnt sound like it from here..kicking and black eyes are not support they are abuse.

Maybe you can get the support you need from others who respect you in amore constructive manner..friends, family, counsellor, priests..wherever you feel safe to turn PLUS this site.

you sound a sensitive person and i hope you can believe in your self worth and get the help/ confidence to look objectively at what this man offers you......

We sometimes get stuck in relationships purely as i said earlier..fear of change...fear of being alone..fear of repercussions..financial reasons..kids whatever.....BUT it sounds like you need to get some distance and "me time" to sort out what you want for you and i hope putting up with abuse is not an option.

I hope we can be there for you and I,m sure others who have experienced your dileema may be more helpful.....As a problem drinker thats enough for you to cope with and congratulations on your AF days.

good luck Kitty and i hope you get the strength to see change can be so so positive.

ps ,,soul mates dont abuse each other

Regards Cassy

**Guest** · May 30, 2007, 03:31 PM

Domestic violence

Kitty, I know you love him, but you probably know what I am going to say next. end it! I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years. The last time I thought I was dying I nearly lost consciousness. Alcohol was the culprit so I thought. we both drank and it was worse when we drank, but bottom line was he was an abuser of women. I loved him, no matter what he did I excused it. But quite simply it was never going to end. Even if we had both stopped drinking the pattern had been set. he could hit me and I would take it. I finally saw that and I pray that you can too. I can give you more detail if you want just pm me.

not judging just caring
Mary

Mary

**sammys** · May 30, 2007, 03:43 PM

Domestic violence

I can relate with the verbal stuff. I thought because I drink that well thats just how it is and now I realize I was drinking alot to cover up the way I felt about the way I was being talked to. Since I have stopped consuming as much alcohol as I was my brain is no longer in a fog and I have put a stop to the verbal barrage I would get everyday. I am no longer in any denial and will not tolerate any of it any more. It has been kind of weird being so adamant about things and taking such a hard line for me but if I feel like I have just been put down in someone he is told exactly what he did and he is beginning to see it. The violence of bruises and black eyes is really scary I think you should go to a support group.

Please take care of yourself.
Sammys

**happycamper68** · May 30, 2007, 03:47 PM

Domestic violence

Oh Kitty why do women ever blame themselves for getting hit?
He kicked you in the face??
If my husband ever kicked me in the face, no matter what I said to him to "provoke" him, we would be done and I am NOT KIDDING. This will escalate I can promise you that, it always does. I have never been hit but have seen this way too many times.

You cannot be soulmates with someone who is kicking you in the face. That is a horrific thing to hear and I feel so sorry that you are in that situation but you must listen to everyone here and get some help and get the hell out of there. PLEASE do not marry this man. It'll just give him more control over you. PLEASE.. :h

**hablur** · May 30, 2007, 03:57 PM

Domestic violence

This has to stop...

Kitty,

Firts off let me just say that I wish I could give you a big hug and offer you words that would take all the pain away.

I can't though. The trouble is that a man never has any reason to hit a women. The fact that he has physically abused you is and has nothing to do with you no matter what you think. He has a mental problem that only he can deal with and you can't.

Many women in your situation feel that it is thier fault and that they are the ones doing something wrong or that they deserve it. That is completely false. Abuse is abuse. You may love him but the situation is a dangerous one. He doesnt hit you because you or he is drinking. He hits you because he has a mental issue and he can.

You have only one option. Leave. In the states we have places where women can call and go to escape an abuser. I am not sure about Wales. Maybe someone on this board from that area of the world knows. All I know with utter certainty is that he will continue to hit you and that the violence will excalate past bruises to broken bones, to cuts, to possible death. Please save yourself more pain.

**MonaCat** · May 30, 2007, 04:01 PM

Domestic violence

Kitty, you gotta get out of this situation, while you still are able. The relationship is a terrible accident waiting to happen. He may not let you out easily, so have some back up support before you walk out the door.

**Guest** · May 30, 2007, 04:48 PM

Domestic violence

Kitty,
If somene, anyone, but especially someone that LOVES you despects you enough to abuse you and belittle you to your inner core of self worth...to rip your soul honey, leave. he does not love you. I don't care if he saw drunk after drunk in his job if his mother and Father were both alcoholics, etc...he should be trying to help you not beat you. You will NEVER regain the respect he has crushed in your relationship. He kicked your face? I can only imagine what else he has done to you. Please leave...one day he is going to go to far...to a place he can't return from. Like kill you....I am so worried for you...please get help honey, please...there are options. This is not love....I am sure today he is VERY sorry...they always are. ask any woman that has ever been abused...they are ALWAYS sorry the next day. he has no right to ever touch you no matter, ...no matter,no matter what!!!!

**bird** · May 30, 2007, 05:00 PM

Domestic violence

Kitty,
I was married to an abuser once. We were very heavy drinkers and tangled up now and then with me always getting the worst of it,as men are so strong (muscles). I thought us very much in love. One night he got very drunk, crashed his car and died. I was devestated and almost drank myself to death but in time realized I wasn't as much in love as I thought. Looking back on it (1984) I really think we were just drinking buddies. I think if he wouldnt have died one of us would have killed the other in time. Try it without him for a time and see how you feel is my suggestion... Bird

**Kitty** · May 30, 2007, 05:29 PM

Domestic violence

Thank you all so much for your replies.

I know I need to leave him I just don't know if I'm strong enough.

And yes Monacat I don't think he'll let me go easily.

Before he went to bed he caught me looking at my eye in the mirror and of course he's terribly sorry but as some of you have said they always are the day after. I told him that every part of me is hurting, my body hurts from the violence and my soul is just crushed. I said we were supposed to care for each other more than we care for anyone else and that we should be together taking care of each other not destroying each other.

I told him that I don't feel strong enough to leave the relasionship and that I would probably kill myself either on purpose or accidentally if I was on my own without him.

He suggested we kill ourselves by letting the exhaust come into our car, how f**king crazy is this situation getting????

I'm going to get in touch with a women's refuge and see what they can do for me. Hopefully when I have slept on it things will seem a little brighter for me but I don't think I'm going to ever get over him kicking me in the face. I was so drunk I only remember him kicking my legs and grabbing me etc, but a friend of mine was here when the fight started and said he kicked me in the face twice. My friend was ushered out of the flat by my partner and taken to the station and he feels terrible because he didn't want to leave me but he was worried about his own safety too.

I'll keep you all posted, thanks again for the replies I just hope I will find the strength to heed your words of wisdom.:upset:

Kitty

**happycamper68** · May 30, 2007, 05:37 PM

Domestic violence

Oh Kitty, he suggested suicide in the car? He is a very unstable man- and your booze problem is making you not think clearly. i am afraid for your life. Don't ever tell him again that you cannot live without him. Do not give him any more power if possible, as long as you can do it and remain safe. but you'll got to get the hell out of there fast. We are all so worried about you!!!!!!!!! Be safe, camper :h

**Guest** · May 30, 2007, 05:45 PM

Domestic violence

Kitty, ICAM with camper. Get the hell out. Make a plan for when he is away and get out. Don't tell anyone you cannot trust 100%. Kitty his problems are not your problems. trust me I do speak from experience. They have this sick may of making you think you'll never be loved again. and your so lucky to have them. I can tell you, you will be loved again. but it starts with loving yourself enough to get out. Please keep us posted
I care
Mary

**Kitty** · May 30, 2007, 05:46 PM

Domestic violence

Happy, I am sitting here thinking about the suicide in the car comment and I can't believe he would put our families through that.

I told him I wouldn't do that because it would kill our mothers and our families would never recover from it.

I think I may even go to the police tomorow or at least phone them for some advise. I don't think he will let me leave him and as he is already on probation (2 years suspended sentence, not for violence) and maybe they will lock him up for a while so I can escape safetly.

The police were called to our property by a neigbour a while ago the last time he went beserk so I imagine the police will have a record of that. I just think though they will think I have contributed to the violence with the drinking and that there has been provocation.

Kitty

**happycamper68** · May 30, 2007, 06:00 PM

Domestic violence

Yes, go to the police and press charges for the beating he gave you. Then go hide and get help. it would have been better if you had called right away but if he is already on probation it may not matter.

Why is he on probation anyway???

**irishlady** · May 30, 2007, 06:05 PM

Domestic violence

Kitty my heart goes out to you.. No human being should be treated like that, especially by someone who is supposed to love and protect you..

Yes, he may go down on his knees the next morning and promise never to do it again, and he may mean it. UNTIL THE NEXT TIME, and there will be a next time.. This man has some deep problems, but instead of getting help he uses you as his punch bag.. You say he hits you because you drink too much, well the day will come when he won't even need that excuse, it will be something else...

Please, please, please, get out of the relationship now and start to rebuild your life.. YOU HAVE THE CHOICE MAKE THE RIGHT ONE..

Thinking of you,
Love, Louise xxx

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