That was me then, this is me now

[YouKayBee]

Ok, heading my 4th year of recovery I am now looking at some issues that keep getting me frustrated. One thing I've come to realise is that often in recovery alcoholics are encouraged to put their past behaviour into a box, and then discard it, or at least keep it at arms length.

Initially this served to help me get into recovery, I'd say "Not going there again", and was almost afraid of it. Over the months and years I admitted to myself the extent of the problematic behaviours I'd acted out, admitted how much my addiction and other substances plus deep underlying sense of unfairness made me into a monster. There was a shift towards the end of my alcoholic drinking, I made a conscious decision not to behave in certain ways, but it was still there lurking.

Having thought I'd sorted myself out via cutting back the booze, putting in a lot of hours of therapy, discovering a spirituality, I am finding the legacy from my drinking days is blocking me from being chilled, happy and generally being at my best.

I have therefore decided that very soon I will visit a place where some of the legacy happened, where I was in a real mess where I really didn't care about myself. I'm going there to try and reconnect with the person who is still inside me. Putting it to oneside, writing about it in exercises to expunge the past, writing goodbye letters then burning them has only pushed it away in disgust and "I mustn't be like that again". I'm going to try and have some compassion and hope this will help me feel more at one with myself and in the work I'm doing with others.

I am now wondering if anyone else has found themselves feeling like this, or in a similar position?

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

That was me then, this is me now

YouKayBee...
I'm trying to understand if you are physically going to go to this place, or if that is a metaphor? When you say you are going to reconnect with yourself...

I must confess that I've never written letters to myself.

Please don't set yourself up for failure. You've been recovering for 4 years, but alcohol free for over a year, correct? If I may be so bold to say... are you going to give yourself permission to drink again, to reconnect with the person you used to be?

I hope not.

As for your past behavior... well, EVERYONE, no matter if they've been drinking or not.... everyone has a history of bad choices. We simply must acknowledge that we screwed up... and then truly forgive ourselves that the past is in the past. Cry/laugh/scream/pray... and then when you are done, take a shower or a long bath and start the next day, looking forward, happily.

Hugs. :groupluv: Patty

[Guitarista]

That was me then, this is me now

Yes. As long as you are safe YKB, and given you are keen, it sounds like a great idea. But before you do, i think it would be a very good idea also to have some solid support around you on the day(s).

Good luck.

G bloke.

[YouKayBee]

That was me then, this is me now

NotHappyHourHappyLife;1690137 wrote: YouKayBee...
I'm trying to understand if you are physically going to go to this place, or if that is a metaphor? When you say you are going to reconnect with yourself...

I must confess that I've never written letters to myself.

Please don't set yourself up for failure. You've been recovering for 4 years, but alcohol free for over a year, correct? If I may be so bold to say... are you going to give yourself permission to drink again, to reconnect with the person you used to be?

I hope not.

As for your past behavior... well, EVERYONE, no matter if they've been drinking or not.... everyone has a history of bad choices. We simply must acknowledge that we screwed up... and then truly forgive ourselves that the past is in the past. Cry/laugh/scream/pray... and then when you are done, take a shower or a long bath and start the next day, looking forward, happily.

Hugs. :groupluv: Patty

No, I've not explained myself clearly enough.

This is nothing to do with drinking.

If I drink I won't connect with anything and I'd be so sad if I relapsed I don't think I'd ever recover.

No this is about accepting the person who did her best 10 years ago, who really struggled, who had a lot of underlying anger and have compassion for her.

I happen to have reason to be near the geographical location and may be eventually living not too far away from it.

I've the support of my therapist and partner.

No I'm not talking about letters to myself.

Some rehabs/treatment centres have you write about things you've done in addiction, others have you write a 'goodbye alcohol' or 'goodbye to a trauma event' letter, then have you put them away or destroy them(some of the letters get burned ritualistically). They say it's letting go. I have done some of that and it parked it to the side for a while, but I now know I need to turn towards it - instead of avoiding and saying "go away". Show some compassion for myself instead of being disgusted.

This is not about me drinking now it's about feeling whole. It's also about using these experiences in some work I'm training to do, at the moment I get judgemental inside and that's not useful for what I'm supposed to be doing.

[YouKayBee]

That was me then, this is me now

I just wanted to do an update on this.

I just got back from my visit.

Over the weeks inbetween my first post and this one I worked through quite a bit.

The area I had lived in held fear for me, partly because of the area, partly because my time there wasn't very good. I did realise as I thought more and more about it that I had exaggerated my time in that physical location. It was only a few years out of many years of alcoholic drinking. I gradually felt better about it, less allergic, more accepting and by this morning I wasn't actually that bothered - things bringing it back in my life also started to have less impact, it hurt less.

It was really interesting walking around my old haunts, seeing people living there and just knowing how some would be living behind closed doors.

All the major pubs in that area have closed, we did walk past one bar which was still open under a different name and for a minute a fleeting "Hmm wonder what's going on in there" curiousity flashed through my mind, but then it was gone. I don't belong there.

I am fine that is part of my life and so are lots of other things.

[YouKayBee]

That was me then, this is me now

mollyka;1699087 wrote: How very evocative the way you describe revisiting your past --- the painful part of your past --- and very brave -- I -- like many people -- particularly like many addicts - too have very painful periods in my past and would be reluctant to re-visit --- I am interested in how you sound almost 'removed' from it --- my 'hurdles' are people - not places -- more specifically - family that I don't see any more -- thanks for sharing this here --- it's the deeper side of recovery that you describe --- I have not tapped into it yet xx

Yep, I chose this bit to visit because it was safe, I had a good idea people I had been involved with were not there - if I had bumped into them I would have played it by ear, whilst also not forcing myself on anyone. I am also prepared to hold my hands up and apologise because I was a **** and very difficult back then.

Detached, it's a place I know I've moved on from location and personally. I'm also aware I am very good at compartmentalising things, and your response here and started me thinking perhaps that's what I was doing. I can be in that compartment and it's ok but I'm also not in there.

People are involved, I see some, I am in touch with some, some have gone right out of my life and to seek them out would be wrong BUT as I've just said I will hold my hands up if our paths do cross. I will also make sure I keep on working on myself there's a reason I'm here.