Why I chose Nautilus for a username

[Nautilus]

THE NAUTILUS BY MARK NEPO

"Our ability to find something to love, and to love again for the first time, depends greatly on how we resolve and integrate where we?ve been before. A great model for us exists in the chambered nautilus, an exquisite shell creature that lives along the ocean floor. The nautilus is a deep-sea form of life that inches like a soft man in a hard shell finding his prayers along the bottom. Over time it builds a spiral shell, but always lives in the newest chamber. The other chambers, they say, contain a gas or liquid that helps the nautilus control its buoyancy. Even here, a mute lesson in how to use the past: live in the most recent chamber and use the others to stay afloat.

Can we, in this way, build strong chambers for our trauma: not living there but breaking our past down till it is fluid enough to lose most of its weight? Can we internalize where we?ve been enough to know that we are no longer living there? When we can, life seems lighter.

It is not by accident that the nautilus turns its slow digestion of the bottom into a body that can stay afloat. It tells us that only time can put the past in perspective, and only when the past is behind us, and not before us, can we be open enough and empty enough to truly feel what is about to happen. Only by living in the freshest chamber of the heart can we love again and again for the first time."

That's why.
When Mark Nepo speaks in the first line about "ability to love, and to love again for the first time," I think of love of self. For me, love of self is greatly hindered by being stuck in this (self defined) identity of alcoholic, problem drinker, drunk, etc... which of course implies (in my mind as I judge myself) weak, loser, hopeless.

When will I choose to make this identity, this lifestyle, this hell, a closed chamber of the past, and allow it's final exhalations to keep me afloat, as does the Nautilus?

Hello old and new friends. I was an MWO member years ago. Old timers may remember me by my nickname MOW.
While I wish I was not still desperate to escape the grip of alcohol, I am glad to be back amidst the comfort, love and support of friends. :h

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

Why I chose Nautilus for a username

Welcome home, MOW.... I like your new name.

I understand the desperation. I grew up knowing my mom had a drinking problem, yet even when she passed away in 2012, she didn't think she had much of a problem- after all, she could quit "whenever she wanted to". I play that same game, I must acknowledge.

My mom had several strokes during her last 6 years of life, and we didn't realize at the time that many of them were brought upon by alcohol. She was an expert closet drinker... would start adding vodka into her iced tea sometime after dinner (one of her drinking rules was "never before dinner"... we ate dinner at 5:30 pm).

Her closet was so big that it expanded into pickle jars in the trunk of her car, in my dad's old tool box in the garage, in her old sewing box in her TV room... she would buy a large bottle of vodka and when she returned home, in the quietness of the garage, create her little pickle jars of vodka... hide them like the Easter Bunny throughout the house... and then put the big empty vodka bottle back into the trunk and casually throw it away when she went to the grocery store.

My Dad would sneak around the house looking for mom's stash, as the hiding spots I mentioned above would frequently change. But she "didn't have a problem", and when she had a stroke that was bad enough to send her to the nursing home for rehab, he thought that she would have learned her lesson and would willingly stop drinking.

She did not.

My mom passed away in Sept 2012 and my Dad passed away in March 2014. As we are slowly closing the internet account that my Dad had, I spent Sunday evening hearing my Dad's voice.... reading through old emails that he wrote when my mom was recovering. At one point, he wrote this:

Connie continues to get stronger each day. Others are mentioning how good she looks. The difference is remarkable. I worry now that she won't go to meetings and accept the help they offer. Wish she would have watched Oprah with me the other day. They made it so clear that alcoholism is a BRAIN disease and almost impossible for one to defeat by themselves. It is persistent with its patience and strikes back when a person thinks they have defeated it and are feeling so well and good about themselves.

Hearing my dad say that, Nautilus... well, I must confess that I was thinking to myself that since I haven't drank since February, I obviously over-reacted to my alcoholism soul searching and that I could probably drink once again, in moderation of course. So I must thank my Dad, who I must honor as part of my Nautilus chambers... he is right, of course, and I must take the strength of his voice and keep going forward, alcohol free.

Sorry for the ramble.
Hugs! :l Patty

[guapo]

Why I chose Nautilus for a username

Why label yourself as anything, and view things as negative. Why not embrace the fact that you had the insight and wisdom to change a destructive behavior, and therefore become a winner, and love yourself for that.

I stopped smoking many years ago, and have stopped abusing alcohol. Both were great wins. I see that as nothing but positive

Now the future can be happy and not a struggle

[NoraC]

Why I chose Nautilus for a username

Nautilus;1690119 wrote:

While I wish I was not still desperate to escape the grip of alcohol, I am glad to be back amidst the comfort, love and support of friends. :h

Welcome back. You are so right - there is so much love & support here. :h

Patty - thanks for sharing your story. I needed to hear that. :l

[guapo]

Why I chose Nautilus for a username

That being said, there should be a see-through window into the chamber of the past, so you never forget the way things were.