Addressing the Reasons for drinking

[gitawine]

Addressing the Reasons for drinking

Hi, I can totally relate to all of your posts. My goal is moderation, but there are times I wonder if it is worth all the mental stress of debating when where and how much you will drink next.
I forget who wrote it (sorry) but the comment about if you only drank on the weekends that you would spend the whole week waiting for the weekend, that really hit home. For now that has been my program, being AF during the week, which is a good start for me, but I really find myself thinking a lot "only three more days, only four more days etc"
Hablur, your routine sounds exactly like mine. After getting all my nightly family duties done, I would sit and play around on hte computer after my bf left for work (he works nights) and drink my wine. It is a big time trigger for me. I've started gardening which is relaxing, but it still doesn't fill the time after the sun goes down and BF leaves for the evening. Being alone and knowing how easily I could drink w/out anyone knowing makes it even harder. If you find a good way to pass the time let me know.
I am doing the supplements and the Hypno CD's. I've only had one night where I really felt like "wow" as far as controlling the cravings. I had had two glasses of wine w/ a friend and there was wine left in the bottle, but I found myself completely void of the desire to finish the bottle. If only I could have more nights like that!
This is a great thread with some really honest thought provoking insights. Thanks for that.
Gita

[Happier]

Addressing the Reasons for drinking

Wow Irish you really hit the nail on the head with that last post.
Thank you so much and now I know what I need to do.
That makes so much sense for me. I know I can't moderate.

Gitawine - I have been reading every evening before I go to bed and just love it. It's kind of hard to read if you've had a few drinks so that's what I look forward to every night. That might help pass the time.

Thanks for all your help Irish. I think I will print what you wrote and post it places all over my house. Just the parts where you said being AF is like being as free as a bird. I never looked at it like that. :thanks:

[nancy]

Addressing the Reasons for drinking

Hi scooby doo

I am really sorry the topa did not work for you.

As for your hubby and family thinking you don't have a problem... maybe they are very tolerant people? i thought mr. doo got a tirade one night? i guess he is forgiving? was that your post?

a lot of people think abstinence is extreme. maybe you haven't pushed the limit enough for them to think that you really have to quit. but what you think about yourself and your own self-respect is also really important and you are obviously not happy with it. also, some people are plain naive about drinking problems until it turns tragic, or results in something like a DUI. or maybe they think you are too hard on yourself. if you have that tendency maybe you are more prone to over-drinking.

I really like Irishlady's posts. I think they are realistic but not in a harsh way. Thanks for being there for everyone Irishlady. your comments are so valuable.

I think one of the things that is attractive about drinking is that it satisfies the need for release. Are there things from your past you feel trapped by? do you feel somehow constricted? do you feel like you can find your real self when you get smashed? I always used to think my relationship with myself was quite bad except for the drunk times.

I tend not to think of excuses, but rather explanations. That does not excuse the behavior.

But even if you have explanations, sometimes the answer is to just control the behavior to stay away from trouble (AF, regardless of the cause).

i never went for a psychologist who had a specialism in addiction.. and regarding the general ones I went to, most of them have never been helpful to me with this or most of the deep thoughts or traumatic experiences. Often it was like talking to a wall with a pleasant face. One was amazing though and never to be forgotten. Think quality not quantity. Find someone smart who gets you.

I sometimes find myself telling them things they want to hear. So it's important you find someone you can be honest with about the failures you have. There can be underlying issues for drinking problems, but often the best advice professionals can give you is to stop drinking so you can deal with the problems themselves.

I think when you don't drink you do start experiencing things and life can be scary, the past can be hard to come to grips with.

The 30 days AF plan sounds good. Maybe you will start feeling things that are uncomfortable and need to confront them.

we are all relating and rooting for you!

Nancy

And by the way, when i did find that one explanation, deep insighftul etc. about the source of my drinking, the problem didn't go away!

[wwbarb]

Addressing the Reasons for drinking

Nancy - wow!! Great post!! :h As always, Irish, you inspire me to the nth dimension.:h

Topa works, Scoob. So do sugar pills. If you believe something, it is true. I believe this blob on our sholders is a more powerful computer than any man-made contraption, and we have to power to program it any way we want.

But . . . do we have the desire??? Or, do we instead choose to clog it with excuses???

Thanks for this great thread.

[ScoobyDoo]

Addressing the Reasons for drinking

My god Nancy... what incredible incredible insight. All of it! Between you and Irish, you could write a practical and insightful book to help people face all of these thoughts and questions.

Mona, thanks for your well wishes. I'm already feeling a huge weight off my shoulders with my decision. I know there are going to be struggles ahead, and that's ok.

Paula, well done... so you're almost 4 months AF or just beyond! Can I ask, do you do AA as well as MWO supps and support of the ABS forums?

Gitawine, I was going to suggest exactly what Happier suggested and that is jumping into bed with a great book. If books don't grab you a DVD. I find exercise a huge help too! The last thing on my mind is a drink after I've been for a good 30 min run. Being night time, if you don't have children, maybe you could start doing a night study course (whatever grabs your interest), and if you do have kids, maybe you could start a new craft or home study course over the internet that requires mental stimulation with assignments etc.

Happier, I'm with you. I now know that I cannot moderate.

Nancy, yes, that was me who had a tirade with my poor Mr Scoobs. That was out of the ordinary for me, and I have absolutely no memory of it. We went to bed and as we were going to sleep I started talking (not screaming or anything like that) but not making any sense to him and saying things about him tha I didn't actually think. So my comment earlier was more of a general one ie that I don't become aggressive etc, a happy drunk which might be why I don't seem to display any outward signs of alcohol problems... yet! As you've said... re pushing the limits. I don't really fancy waiting for that.

Nancy, you've hit the nail on the head again... I shouldn't need to be asking for validation of whether I am or am not an alcoholic... I should just decide for myself.

Nancy, your last sentence is also so powerful to me! I am clueless as to the source of my drinking, other than I enjoy the feeling - and I did right from that first time I ever got drunk with my friends as a teenager. Well, whatever the source, I guess it will come out, and I will deal with it as I abstain.

And now, I am going to have to ask each of my family members for their support with my decision, regardless of what they think. I think my mum just doesn't like the thought of one of her daughters suffering in any way. I'll show my mum my drink tracker print out, and I think then she'll realise how much of a tolerance to alcohol I've built up.

Barb, I do think the Topa works too... for sure! I just didn't give it enough time, and I think in my case I just need to deal with the psychology by abstaining now. I can see that the Topa really does work!

Thanks so much for helping me with this. I sincerely appreciate all of your input.

Scoobs

[cassy]

Addressing the Reasons for drinking

Hi Hab interesting post...seems a typical evening routine for many.

so the issue is point 6 after your son goes to bed...maybe you term the booze as the REWARD at the end of hard day?

you might want to do something else for a few weeks after son goes to bed

...Read. Garden.try hand at cooking, get a new hobby......anything you can do jointly with your wife instead of solitary stuff on the computer(thats when you start drinking alone?)
Have fun with wife do an exercise DVD together!!!could lead to all sorts!!

Not sure what interests you have but would be good to do something jointly with your wife to prevent the old pattern of getting a bear in the evening.

Why not try for weekdays AF....I,m on that at the moment(Friday is the hardest as its re styling learnt behaviours ie..Friday night was my REWARD night...the working week is over and lets get on with the weekend.

I actually for the first time in ages didnt drink last Friday BUT i had to carefully pre plan my evening.This week i have a friend staying Friday so again I am pre planning as dont want to drink Friday.

good Luck Hab and you too Scooby...thankyou for your honesty .it really helps me.

Regards Cassy

[paula]

Addressing the Reasons for drinking

Scooby, I went to AA for a while and I have great respect for it,but it really isn't for me.
Having said that I do have some of their literature,eg. the big book, and there is lots of
useful advice and quotes, that I do try to follow, eg. one day at a time, and also the
serenity prayer. If you don't already know it I would happily print it out for you.
Love Paula.

[betty boop]

Addressing the Reasons for drinking

Scooby, Really can't add anything else cos its all been said already!!!!

Some fabulous ideas and comments as ever from everyone ....

Good Luck on yours and hubbys AF days ...

Keep us posted,

Love BB xx

[Lucy Van Pelt]

Addressing the Reasons for drinking

Wow!!

Now THIS is a thread I can relate to!! I rarely post, but feel compelled to post here! I am absolutely, without a shred of doubt, convinced that I need to go AF. Moderation is NOT an option for me. once I start, I have to have my fill, which is a lot...could be 2 bottles of wine, or up to a pint of hard liquor. AND, I drink nightly. Then, I function well day to day. I rarely have a day where I don't drink in the evening. That is the brutal honest truth. And it is NOT social. I mostly drink alone...well, I have a wonderful family, but I hide it from them (oh, they know...they are not stupid).

Anyway, my trigger is 5pm. Simple as that. I am on topa, have been for quite a while, and don't really think I have too much physical desire, quite frankly. Just sheer habit. And crazy thinking...i.e. "If I don't go out and buy alcohol now (I don't keep it in the house) what will happen if I get a huge craving later?...I better buy it now...just in case"....So, I buy it and....drum roll here...of course I drink it...

Ughh, the mental anguish of it all. It is soooo tiresome. The amount of mental exaustion that goes into this is rediculous. There is no question it would be sooo freeing to just let it go. So, why can't I???? I would love advice, suggestions as to what to do to divert myself from the obsessions that keep this crazy cycle going. I have read wonderful words of wisdom in this thread. I want to keep it going (the thread) and be part of it. Very inspiring words here. So..thanks for listening, sharing, and being so helpful. Maybe tonight will be a different scenario? I can only hope

Beth

[ScoobyDoo]

Addressing the Reasons for drinking

Beth, thanks for your honesty.

Have you got a copy of the Allen Carr book 'How to Control drinking'? If not, it might help change the way you view alcohol. It's been a real help to me.

It's weird... I'm on day 3 AF today, which is not at all unusual for my routine, but I woke up this morning from a dream feeling like a big kid, and without a care in the world. I know I've just experienced a major shift in my approach to alcohol, and I'm not sure why or how it's happened, other than trial and testing different approaches. Even though it's only day 3 and it's very early days, I feel like I've been released from a prison I'd created within my own mind.

I think what I'm trying to say is to try different things. It sounds like you're doing just that - and keep going with it. I needed to try the moderation approach and have realised it's not for me. That has taken a lot of energy geting to that point and instead of feeling doomed about never drinking alcohol again, I feel confident and even happy about my decision, and I'm visualising social settings (my trigger) without alcohol and enjoying the social scene for different reasons than I have in the past.

If you haven't already, I would create a simple journal (book or blog), where you can write down your thoughts on one space, and reflect back when need be. Emerging patterns might jump out at you, other than the thoughts that go around in your mind.

So Beth, you can... it might just take some extra time and as Irish said on the previous page, don't ever stop trying. I had no idea when I would decide to become a non-drinker but deep down I knew that I would one day, which might be the same for you.

Beth, another thing re the 5pm witching hour - I have found that after drinking on weekends, and back into the routine on Monday, at 5pm, I get those thoughts of 'glass of wine would be nice' but by the Tuesday and definitely the Wednesday, those 5pm thoughts have totally subsided and I barely think about it (unless socialising) - everyone is different and I'm just using myself as an example here - but for me at least, I can see that it will get better with time. Like yourself, mine is all psychological habit, and I reckon that is the hardest thing to work on and get past for all addicts. ie reconditioning the thoughts. And the reconditioning part, I think can be easily achieved with the MWO CD's.

It might be a big release of burden if you talk with your husband about it. Your family sound very understanding and might be a lot more supportive than you think.

Scoobs

PS I am not a real journal kind of person, but with something like this ie alcohol addiction, I think it's really important to be able to get down in black and white those negative and self critical thoughts that go over and over in your head each day/week after you've had a big night of drinking (usually accompanied with a hangover... you know how it goes). I think it helps with the process of decision making. Good luck Beth, and keep us posted, as I'd really love to read how you're getting on with it.

[irishlady]

Addressing the Reasons for drinking

Just thougth I would throw this into the pot in the hope it will help someone...

I have been AF for just over 8 months now but still get cravings, not on a daily basis as I did in the beginning, but more occasionally.. I am now more experienced at dealing with them however, after all, a craving is nothing more than a thought in your mind.. You always have the choice, you can act on it, or, as I do now, acknowledge it for what it is, and like any other thought let it take its natural course and pass on through.. Just remember THE CHOICE IS ALWAYS YOURS..

During all the times when I tried to stop drinking I would only need to get a picture in my mind of that first glass of wine and imagine the taste of it, thats all it took to make me put on my coat, change my shoes and grab my purse, straight round to the shop to buy what I told myself would be my LAST BOTTLE OF WINE...

In my head, before I bought that bottle, I could never get past that first glass, how good it would taste, and how I would only have two glasses and no more....

Then I discovered something called visualisation... Now what I do is this..

When I get a craving I sit quietly for a few minutes and imagine that first glass of wine, how it looks and feels in my hand, the condensation on the outside of the glass, the smell and the taste of those first few mouthfuls..
In the bad days that would have been enough to send me out to buy some, but now I wait and take the visualisation further...

In my mind I finish that first glass and pour another, and another until the bottle is empty.. Then I imagine myself opening the second bottle and drinking all that.. Then I watch myself stagger upstairs to bed.. I look at this drunken me with a mixture of pity and disgust... I then imagine the kind of drunken sleep I will have, the waking up in the morning with a blotchy face, red eyes, pounding head and a feeling of sickness... The knowledge that I must go to work feeling like this and it will be at least 12 hours before I can crawl into bed again.. I really get inside this character and feel all those things....

Then I ask myself one very simple question,

IS IT WORTH GOING BACK TO ALL THAT FOR THE SAKE OF


ONE GLASS OF WINE .....



It has worked for me every time.. Hope it helps you..


With love, Louise xxxx

[ScoobyDoo]

Addressing the Reasons for drinking

Irish, yes, that is huge! I'm adopting this.

Scoobs

[Lucy Van Pelt]

Addressing the Reasons for drinking

I totally love this thread, and the wisdom in it. I am sad to see it going down the list of threads... Irish, Scoobie, and all here that have posted...so much wisdom...from those with so much success, and those just starting out. I realise this...I can't give up. I realise from Irish, that maybe, just maybe, one day something will stick. Because I don't kid myself, I know what I need to do. I just can't seem to do it. Irish, I am in that place that when that time of day hits, and I try to visualize the "whole" experience, I can't get past the first glass. The droplets of water on the outside, the warm, fuzzy feeling, I can't. I feel like a damn squirrel in one of those round things they run in. And in life I am not like that. But I have been for sooo long with alcohol. But I have some hope that maybe if I don't give up, I will eventually "get it" because some of us do. crazy, I have really awful stuff happening at the moment...my neice, 21, is, as we speak, dying of cancer. But truth is, that is just another excuse my brain uses for me to drink, when the time comes to want to drink. Wow, it doesn't help. At all.

Anyway, I thank you all, I know this thread is not excluvely for me, but it feels like it, because it is so amazing. It is so real.

Beth

[Happier]

Addressing the Reasons for drinking

Bak,
So sorry to hear about your Niece. That is such sad news.
Take care of yourself.
Hugs,
Happier

[Change]

Addressing the Reasons for drinking

I know it sounds ironic, but the better i feel, the more i want to drink. It's like i am celebrating or something. In fact, i have actually said that to myself, "hey, i didn't have a drink last night, aren't i great, it won't hurt to have one tonight"... needless to say it turns out to be more than just one.

The main reason i drink is social isolation. I would say "loneliness", but i don't feel that lonely, maybe because i am hungover all the time and don't get the opportunity to. I don't know. But boredom and lack of direction definately play a part in it.

Interestingly, i was thinking today, why didn't i drink as much in the previous place i lived in? Well, it's because it wasn't very close to any bottle shops. I know it's a cop-out and i am not meaning it to be that, but there are many bottle shops where i live, and 24 hour ones, which makes it really easy to get alcohol even when i've obstained for the entire day. Sometimes i will even last until 10:30pm and then bust and get some. It's crazy. But the problem is i am not working that much at the moment, so don't have to be up early the next morning. Then again, when i was in my office job, i drank more, but managed to start earlier.

Anyway, i guess there are many reasons why we drink. For now, i am going to concentrate on just getting through tonight. I really need a clear head tomorrow.

Change.