Just can't seem to figure out how to chill!!!

[Cornczech]

I have gotten on and fallen off the wagon so many times my head is spinning thinking about it! So, this time, I decided..this is it...I am stopping for GOOD!
I have been going thru a hard time since my father died of cancer in 2012. The family is fighting over money and my aunt, who is the executrix of my father's estate...and my uncle, who used to run my father's orchard...they are conspiring to steal my inheritance I was willed from my father...but that's not the focus of my story....just a stressor......Today, I go to the "GI guy"...my blood work...even my liver tests...come back normal...the doc says my liver doesn't feel swollen...he tells me my symptoms are GERD and a hietal (?)l hernia...then he sees I'm an alcoholic.on the computer...(remember, this is only the 2nd day I have been AF) and says...you just have to stop drinking.....I won't order any tests until you stop...and here is an RX for prilosec....you should go to rehab...(I tell him I have been twice and I'm doing the best I can detoxing on my own and trying to stop for good...) he tells me "well....you won't stop drinking...the odds are against you. If the symptoms don't stop THEN I'll order an X-ray".....AAAAAHHHHHHHH

I was SO upset! I still am! I have nothing to help me detox...I can't afford to go to the hospital at $250 a day in co-insurance...and so...what do I do today? After crying myself all the way home while riding my bike back from the doctor...I go and get a 40 OZ of beer...I feel SO crappy....but my head was buzzing...I was actually twitching and so sensitive to every sound and every touch on my skin...I just couldn't BEAR pacing in my apartment...screaming and crying until I passed out...

I feel so hopeless....even this GI GUY told me I would never quit....he actually smirked at me when I told him I was on my 2nd day AF....

I am so sad right now....

[available]

Just can't seem to figure out how to chill!!!

Hi Corn, well dont we wish it was as easy as the blessed dr said, just stop! What a wanker he is. Change drs is my advice for starters. Oh to be perfect and live in a perfect world. We are addicts end of story. What you need to do is find another dr asap and see what they have to say, there has to be an understanding one out there. You also need to stop drinking AT the people. It was always my way of dealing with life and people. I am sorry you feel so crappy and sad. 2 days is a wonderful amount of time for us alcoholics and no one understands what you are going through except another alcoholic. If you are worried about your withdrawals then for a few days taper down and see how you feel. We all stop al differently. I just stopped but i did not have what you are going through. Try and listen to some relaxation apps, there is a calm app for mobiles and also "deep relax". You do need to settle down first and then go from there. You can do this, dont let anyone tell you otherwise Corn. We make the choice to stop drinking and it sounds like you are determined and strong. Head over to the Newbies Nest and say hello, there is a wealth of support over there. I am sober 9 months now and came here to get my life back and i have. How much did you drink? I was a 2 bottle a day drinker of wine, sometimes more, never less.

You deserve a better life and believe me you can do this but it takes time and when we dont focus on al, we have a lot of time and its wonderful. Take care and keep posting please.

[Cornczech]

Just can't seem to figure out how to chill!!!

Hello!
I drank, on average, 6 to 8 beers a day since my father died (12/2012)...before that, I averaged 4 on weekdays....MUCH more on weekends. I was doing pretty good not drinking when I was helping care for my father before he died....about 6 months. I have stopped and started again so many times!!! This time I just keep thinking about all the lost days sitting in this house just drinking, (and sometimes drinking and hating.....) I just want my life back! I have crappy insurance, so I cannot find a decent psychiatrist...just these jag off mysoginistic (My spell check can't spell it either) old men who try to give me antiquated drugs and essentially do the same thing I do for myself with alcohol....drug me into calming down.
SO much is going on that is stressful in my life, (family is still fighting over my father's will 2 years later!) and I KNOW I have to stop...but like yesterday...I just FREAK and can only calm myself down with booze, (or THC). The ONLY good thing from my terrible trip to the GI Guy yesterday was I found out my liver wasn't swollen and my blood tests turned out ok.....(I had myself dying in 2 years from ALD!!!)
I am back on the wagon today...that's all I can do.....I NEED to find something to do during those "witching hours" (between 5 and 8pm on days I work and 11am to 6pm on my days off)....but I have been holed up in my house for years now.....and when I DO go out...say with my husband....we drink! It's gonna be hard...but when I stop and think of ALL those 6 packs I have bought every single day....and drank...every single day....for the last DECADE....it just makes me ill.....all the lost time, the hang overs...the sticking my finger down my throat to throw up so I can stop the spins after drinking too much too fast....it's just sad to think about, to be honest....
I have to decide, like my alcoholic mother told me on Monday...I have to decide to stop drinking, (she said ,a"and be bored and boring"), and live) or continue drinking and die.....
Thanks for responding...it makes me feel not so alone.....

[available]

Just can't seem to figure out how to chill!!!

Corn you sound like a lot of us on mwo. i thought i could never deal with life sober, loved my four walls, went to work (god knows how) and functioned. i would drink AT anything and anyone. I would drink daily, always saying and promising myself i would not, only to hit the repeat button at 5pm. It sounds like you have a lot going on in your life and that will never stop when you dont drink but you learn to deal with it differently. You only know how to deal with life with al as i did, but believe me to deal with life sober is fantastic. Being sober is so not boring now, i thought it would be but i enjoy my life so much better now. Everyday i wake up without a hangover and hating myself. Everyday i wake up without anxiety, depression, nausea, self loathing. I can look in the mirror and like what i see (minus some wrinkles would be nice though). I like myself now. I have none of what you are feeling and that is because i was determined to get al out of my life. Its not easy to stop but i chose to live, i had to, i have four children and i will be a grandmother one day and i want to be the best nana in the world and a sober one. I regret my drinking career, there are not many fond memories that come to mind. Al nearly took everything i held dear to me but not now and not anymore. It is your choice Corn to make to stop drinking, i do know without mwo and coming on here daily and posting and posting and reading that i would still be drinking. Moderation is not in the equation, i can never drink, i am an alcoholic. My brother died from al and i wont let that happen to me. Take one day at a time and for that day decide not to drink and see how you feel the next. Sleep when you are tired and eat a lot. Eating was not high on my agenda when i was pouring wine down my throat. during the witching hour come on here and read, watch youtube vids on alcoholics, go for a walk, have a shower, do things that you dont associate with drinking for the time being. You are not alone here, there is nothing like an alcoholic understanding another alcoholic.

[Lavande]

Just can't seem to figure out how to chill!!!

Hello & welcome to MWO Cornczech!
You've found a great place, lots of support available here.

I recognize the killer anxiety in your posts, I had it too!
Here's the irony - it just about disappears when you kick AL out of your life. Even just a few AF days makes a big difference!
The easiest thing to do is find a doc experienced in home detox. You can get a script for something to see you thru the first week or so. I didn't want to use any Rx meds myself so I found OTC alternatives that worked for me. Lots of folks here talk about using Calms Forte, a safe, homeopathic product. I can't say enough about hypnosis & meditation - helped me immensely!

Quitting now while you still have your health is the best gift you can give yourself!
Join us in the Newbies Nest for more support!
Wishing you the very best!

Lav

[catch22]

Just can't seem to figure out how to chill!!!

Hi Con, welcome , glad to reaad ur back on tht wagon. There are no lost days here. just keep it in the day. have you thought abt going AAmeetings . also just keep posting and reading it dose help.
You can do this ! i have every faith in you.
all the best catch22 x

[Alky]

Just can't seem to figure out how to chill!!!

Hi Cornczech, by any chance are you from Iowa? I went to grad school at U. of Iowa and I remember the Czech Village and the Czech and Slovak Museum and Library in Cedar Rapids, and as for the corn, well, there's a lot of it in Iowa

I wouldn't take what your doctor said too personally. At an AA meeting one morning a few months ago, the meeting chair threw out the statistic that only about 34 out of 100 people are likely to recover from this disease. The odds are very much against all of us. He's just stating a known fact, though he probably could have been more diplomatic. And a relapse after an extended period of sobriety has taught me that we can't get cocky, ever. ANY addict can relapse at ANY time. Even my therapist who has 25 years sobriety is always careful to say "I PROBABLY won't ever drink again."

At the risk of sounding a bit blunt, though, I will say your chances of success are limited if you don't find some support. Some things I would recommend:
- Find a doctor board certified in addiction medicine - they don't even necessarily have to be psychiatrists. My addiction MD is a family doctor
- See if your insurance will cover intensive outpatient group therapy
- Check out support groups. AA is the 900 pound gorilla, but if that's not your cup of tea, see if there is a SMART Recovery group in your area

For some reason there's a real ambivalence I can't really understand toward AA on this forum, but for you to succeed, you need to be around sober people (and people who have LOTS of sober time) as much as possible. Trying to stay sober while maintaining the lifestyle you've always lived is a surefire recipe for failure. I can tell you because I've been down that road, and this forum is full of people who have come and gone, having failed at sobriety because they can't or won't accept that sobriety is not about not drinking, it's about changing your lifestyle.