Relapse

[briseus]

Relapse
After 7 months I relapsed.
Relapsed of slipped? I guess it doesn't matter how you spin it.
I remember I never used to be able to do 7 days. Let alone 7 months.
But I also didn't think I would throw it all out the window.
Why does it feel like the last seven don't even matter? Seems like a lifetime ago.
To be honest I was having fun. My anxiety was finally gone for a few hours....
But I don't want to even imagine tomorrow morning.
I am already beginning to feel guilty.
And I didn't drink my poison of choice. Instead it was beer and part of me thinks "whatever move on" and another part of me feels sick to my stomach for wasting everything I worked towards. I am really not sure how I feel right now......

[scottish lass]

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I am so sorry to be reading this - my heart breaks for you - I am just coming up to seven months and I would be devastated....
I have mentioned before that we seem to get ourselves ready for the big things - holidays, celebrations, vacations etc and then the little things bite us.
You have managed 7 months - that counts for one whole heck of a lot. You came back here and did not let a slip become a habit. You have done it once, so you know you can do it again.
I am sure I don't have the right words - this is indeed a heads up call to all of us, and so sorry you had to be in the position to post this.
Don't beat yourself up too much, make the right choice, and do it again....get to seven months that is :l

[available]

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Hi Bri and i think i would call it farked up. Never was a fan of relapsed or slipped personally. 7 months is great for us alkies, any day without al is great but this is what makes me scared of al. is it only a matter of time before i fark up, what made you decide to drink after all this time? Was it worth your while to drink again? Have you really thrown it out the window or has this drink made you more determined to live how you were for the past 7 months?

I find it awfully sad when others drink again and i think figuring out the why you drank is a good start. You posted on here so bringing drinking back into your life is not what you want at the end of the day.

See how you feel when you wake up but dont ever feel too ashamed to be here, as we keep saying, no one understands an alcoholic like another alcoholic. I wish i could hug you. Keep working to being af, we are all a work in progress at the end of the day.

[treetops]

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Hiya Bri - Here's a big hug and I hope you decide to get back into being sober when you wake up. No doubt you will feel like crap and thats to be expected. But please don't beat yourself up with counting and seeing the last 7 months as a big waste - or thinking you are on Day One. Because you did that seven months and thats no small feat and no-one can take it away from you. Its much more positive to look at why you did this (impulse by the sounds of things?) and what you can do in future if and when the occasion arises. Self loathing and remorse will only make it much worse to get back into a positive attitude towards being a sober Bri. Anyway I bet your body is a lot healthier than it was 7 months ago - and that will be a bonus in just getting on with life without booze.
None of us are out of the 'danger zone' - we have to be viligent but I don't think we need to be obsessive. Far better to channel those obsessive qualities into something more creative than the time-wasting exercise that drinking AL is. I am on your team - like all of us here.:heart::heart:

[FlyAway]

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I was just thinking about you yesterday Bri. I was thinking that it had been a while since I saw you post and was wondering what was going on in your head. You didn't lose those 7 months. You still did them. But the only thing you have now is today. There are no do overs. You stopped drinking and you discovered that all of the shit that life throws your way was still there. It always will be. I truly believe that a huge part of becoming sober is not just stopping drinking, it's finding new coping mechanisms too. Exploring gratitude, physical activity, meditation, whatever you choose. But you've got to actively explore those avenues and find what's right for you.

[Mick]

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Bris...move on mate.....it happened ,you did it,but you also proved to yourself that you could actually live without booze.now you decide what you want to do...although judging by the mood of your post I guess you have already made that decision...there is only one concern in the whole of your post for me.....quote To be honest I was having fun. My anxiety was finally gone for a few hours...
.does this mean that the rest of the 7 months were not enjoyable?if thats the case ..then there is something wrong with your life planning..heres a pretty basic example...you have a dog..the dog keeps running across into the road outside...so to stop it you keep it in the garden for 7 months...hence it doesnt run into the road..you then let it out and the first thing it does is run into the road...why because you havent shown it or trained it that there are other things and it can be just as happy playing ,without running into the road....does that make sense?? Im sure you will be fine just fine tune it all

[briseus]

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Thanks to everyone that responded. It means a lot to me. I am disappointed but you guys are right there is no sense in obsessing over it. Which I am great at doing. I'm not going to lie. It was fun to let loose but it isn't worth it because the last seven months were great. But hard. Really effing hard. But I grew more then I had in the five years I was obsessively drinking. I never want to go back there. Ever. Everrrrr. I am not entirely sure why I did it. It was an impulse thing more then anything but I guess I also became complacent. I was going with the flow with things in life and that was my own fault. I should have stepped up my game and pushed myself.
I drank four beers yesterday. Within the span of 6 hours for those that are curious. I didn't go "balls to the wall" because I had no interest in doing so.
I need to change up my game plan here. I didn't wake up with a hangover, or feeling overtly guilty but I do know in my heart that drinking is no longer for me. Not like it used to be.
That place scares me just thinking about it.
I won't think of this as day 1 because of a slip. I will keep on going. I also won't be so hard on myself because that leads me to snapping and then doing things I don't want to do. Like drinking or binging on food. Things like that. I will stick close to here as well. Thanks for listening. Thanks for the support.

[Pavati]

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Hi, Bri:

I have read and learned a ton about relapse because I truly want to avoid it. I know I would feel like you say you do - disappointed. One thing seems certain - relapse generally doesn't happen just on an impulse. If you look back at the days and weeks before it happens, you might find some symptoms that would help you (and others) avoid it in the future. Here is a note that Jane posted in the toolbox about relapse that I found useful. Above all, I agree with everyone else - this is not the end, and it is great you came right back here. We're here for you!

Pav

From Relapse After Long-Term Sobriety

Mistaken Beliefs About Relapse

Mistaken Belief #1: Relapse comes on suddenly and without warning.
The relapse process begins long before alcohol or drug use starts. The relapse process is often triggered by the pain and discomfort of being sober.

Mistaken Belief #2: So long as you do not use alcohol or drugs, you are recovering.
Abstinence is only a prerequisite to recovery. It is not recovery. It is switching from a lifestyle centered around drinking and using to a lifestyle centered around healthy living.

Mistaken Belief #3: Relapse occurs because people drop out of treatment or stop going to AA meetings.
Most people stop going to treatment or AA because they are already in the process of relapse. Discontinuing treatment and AA is often the result of the relapse process rather than the cause.

Mistaken Belief #4: Recovering persons will be consciously aware of the warning signs of relapse.
Most people who relapse are not consciously aware of the warning signs as they are occurring. It is only when they look back later that they can see all of the things that were going on. This is often owing to lack of informa-tion or denial.

Mistaken Belief #5: Relapse can be avoided by willpower and self-discipline.
Self-discipline and willpower alone will not prevent relapse. Relapse occurs because there is something missing in the recovery program. There are problems or conditions that are not being effectively managed or treated. There is something the person needs to do, or needs to learn, or needs to learn to stop doing.

Mistaken Belief #6: People who relapse are not motivated to recover.
Most people prone to relapse are motivated to get well. They try everything they know to find comfortable sobri-ety. Some cannot stay sober because they lack the knowledge of their personal relapse warning signs. Others rec-ognize the warning signs but are powerless to control them once they develop.

Mistaken Belief #7: When people relapse, it means they have not hit bottom yet and that they need more pain.
Many people prone to relapse have hit bottom. They may make the decision to stop drinking, but the pain of sobriety may be so intense that it can interfere with the ability to stay sober.

Mistaken Belief #8: Those who relapse over and over again are hopeless because they are ?constitutionally incapable? of recovery.
Those who relapse repeatedly are not incapable of recovery. They have just not learned how to prevent relapse. They can learn how to get better.

Mistaken Belief #9: Thinking about relapse will bring it about.
Ignoring the possibility of relapse is more likely to bring it about. Those who acknowledge the possibility and think about how it is apt to occur can take action to prevent it.

Adapted from Mistaken Beliefs about Relapse by Terence T. Gorski and Merlene Miller (Independence, Mis-souri: Herald House/Independence Press, 1988).

[roxane]

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interesting, thanks pav.

ps, i dont have a like button.

[scottish lass]

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yes, thanks Pav - love #2 - that is what I am working on just now....
I like your attitude Bri - I tend to think if your experience cemented the path you want to be on, it may not be a bad thing. The wondering of "I wonder if' has been taken care of and now you can carry on...

[Sunbeam]

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Hi Bri,
It sounds like you are learning form this mistake, that's important. There is still a lot of love and support here for you. The worst thing you could do might be to continue to beat yourself up about this. You know what choice you want to make, move forward with that.

[briseus]

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Thank you to everyone who posted and all your advice.