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The Monster Beside Me

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    #1

    The Monster Beside Me

    My addiction to alcohol is like a monster that walks beside me day and night. Jealously stalking me.Constantly wanting to isolate me and keep me to itself. Bullying and cajoling at me insistently to do that one thing that keeps it strong. It's one bloodshot, porcine eye intently focused on my consumption of alcohol, it's all consuming desire.
    Just one drink, it insidiously whispers. Just one! it screams, pinching at my determination with it's long talons blooded from many past battles, hitting at me in my weakest moments, constantly nipping at my consciousness with venomous, blood soaked teeth, cutting to the quick of my very soul. Disturbing my peace of mind, stealing away all serenity from my life, always looking for a way in. Trying to wear me down daily,hourly, minutely. Even invading my dreams to steal away my life restoring rest.
    But I am stronger then it is. And I am determined. I know how to put that monster in it's place. This monster and I have an inversely related relationship. The stronger I am,the weaker it becomes until it is a weak, ineffectual infant ranting and raving, waving it's tiny fists in my face. And as i would an infant, I dismiss this wanton display of aggression for I do not fear the the punch of a mere babe.
    And inversely the weaker I am the stronger it becomes until it once again takes over my whole existence once again covering my soul in it's entirety until there is nothing left of the person I once knew as ME.
    Which choice will i make each time my senses are accosted with this vulgar display of emotion?
    I choose to remain STEADFAST to myself, strong in the face of this gauntlet I must trudge through. Beating the odds, empowering myself everyday. Through the power of my community and the help of my friends and family I expose that monster to the light of day, robbing it of it's power. By working at this everyday I have managed to shrink that monster down until only a fraction of that once insurmountable obstacle remains.
    Yes I will carry this monster with me to the end of my days, but as I am now the strong one and it is the weak one, this huge, overpowering monster is now just a remnant of the powerful beast that once ruled my life.
    No matter how far you go or how fast you run, you can't get away from yourself. ....said at an AA meeting. It stuck with me.
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    #2
    My Monster is similar to yours, Little B... except mine is not bold and abrasive, but quietly sits on my shoulder. Taps me on the shoulder and whispers in my ear when she sees someone drinking and behaving "normal".... telling me that "I could drink and behave too!" Shows me the FB posts of friends' pictures that are drinking and having fun and "obviously I could be there too, behaving"...

    When I ignore this Monster, she becomes a petulant 5 year old.... telling me that "It's NOT fair! You can drink and behave! You over-reacted and now you don't party and laugh like you used to ! Your kids tap dance around you when it comes to alcohol and as long as you BEHAVE and CONTROL your drinking, no one has to be awkward anymore!!!!! WWWWAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!" :sad:

    That's the Monster I want to give in to. I can deal with the Devil Whisper, but the Self Pity one.... well, she's the one that I want to please today.
    "God didn't give you the Strength to get back on your feet
    so that you can run back to the same thing that knocked you down."     :hug:

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      #3
      LB, what a profound post. Would you consider putting that in the Tool Box? I'd hate for it to get lost in the masses. You really nailed it on that post....it is a constant 'white noise' in the background. Much love, Byrdie
      All you gotta do, is get thru this day. AF 1/20/2011
      Tool Box
      Newbie's Nest

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        #4
        Love these posts, both of you!

        My monster is similar to yours, Happy. It comes in the form of photos that show up on my screensaver - when I am smiling, laughing, hugging - and most of it under the influence of alcohol. "See, there were good times," it says. "You weren't THAT bad."

        What I do to shut up that monster is to conjure the pictures of the days after - the hangover, self-loathing, regret or even just sleeplessness that came after. So far, that vision has come strong enough, but just in case, I kept my journals from the end.

        Thank goodness my monster is shrinking, too - so small I don't even hear from it most days. Phew.

        Pav

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          #5
          Little beagle - great post. My beast seats in hiding - this is the worst kind as I never prepared for attack. Thank you for posting it.
          AF since 10/20/2013
          Smoke free since 09/24/2007
          Meat free since 09/20/2008
          ---------------------------------------
          With will one can do anything - Samuel Smiles

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            #6
            Great post, LB. Yes, please place in toolbox. We can all relate to this, and I hope that my monster shrinks as I get time between me and him. :love:
            Sometimes what you're most afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free.

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              #7
              I was sort of thinking along these lines today. So many nice people I know have AL as the little reward, the celebration, the quiet stress reliever. I have now chosen to deal with all these things without my crux of former times. A chameleon is what I would call it. Sometimes a monster, sometimes a pal, sometimes a confidant. It changed it's colours according to my feelings and what I was dealing with. I am the same now but different. I am more part of life - and also apart from many people. I can sit with their monsters but I can't play with them. Excuse my mixed metaphors - grammatical licence here!

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                #8
                Hi LB, Gr8 post and a gr8 reminder of AL monster! My monster is the voice inside my.head tht does not shout up. Today it is very quite. It use to be powerful but once i started to accept am powerless , i become empowered i take control over tht voice now :-)
                Formerly known as Teardrop:l
                sober dry since 11th Jan '2010' relapse/slip on 23/7/13 working in progress ! Sober date 25/7/13 ( True learning has often followed an eclipse, a time of darkness, but with each cycle of my recovery, the light grows stronger and my vision is clearer. (AA)
                my desire to avoid hitting bottom again was more powerful then my desire to drink !

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                  #9
                  This is good stuff, guys!

                  Comment

                    #10
                    cool reads! keep them coming
                    “There was a moment in my life when I really wanted to kill myself. And there was one other moment when I was close to that. . . . But even in my most jaded times, I had some hope.”

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