Advice Wanted about Alcoholic Mom's Visit

[SoberSoul]

I have invited my 84 year old alcoholic mother to visit for two weeks as soon as the house is completed. She does not drink in the residence she lives in. My sister is her primary contact as I live 5 hours away. When Mom visits my sister she usually has a beer or two. Her liver is shot and she has had seizures in the past. My sister is pretty strict about limiting Mom's drinking. Recently Mom's sister who she adores visited from out of town and Mom had two beers and became despondent, went in the other room and sat by herself. She fell asleep shortly thereafter. Mom has warned me already "When I get to your place I am drinking beer and not being treated like a child." I now have the problem of Mom (who is a tiny little thing) getting drunk and possibly having a seizure or falling (she has osteo) or just being awful. In my own home, I feel I have the right to tell Mom that at my place she can have a beer with dinner and if she wants more she'll have to drink n/A beer. I 'm scared of the old battle axe as she can be nasty. Do I tell her before she comes or blind side her once she gets here? And how do I tell her? I can't believe that at age 58 I am still scared of making my Mom mad.:sad::sad:

[fennel]

I'm sorry, Sober Soul. Wow, two weeks is a long time!

My first thought was that you should tell your mom that right now, there is a "no alcohol" policy in your home, due to your recovery...but, I seem to recall that hubs drinks. Is there any way he can abstain for the two weeks your mother is visiting?

My next thought is to buy a kegger of NA beer and let her go wild, lol. Here in the states, "O'doul's Amber" tastes pretty convincing.

I know it's hard because she's your mom. I think if you make it about you, and not her, that might be helpful.

I would let her know right now, not spring it on her later. Maybe she will cancel her visit or cut it short if she can't have her beer.

Take care and keep us posted...

[Samstone]

SS
tough call.... hmhm.. just wondering how open every one is about her condition. Could it be that you are able to be very open and honest and explain that you fear what drinking will do to her? (I ask this without sarcasm.) I know very well how hard it may be to do. I definitely think having a discussion before she arrives is better (just my opinion). Are there other considerations, such as medical stuff; any dementia?
good luck!
Sam

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

Sober Soul, I wish I had your problem.... for my mom, too, was a tiny little thing, and also a closet alcoholic, but she passed away 2 years ago. My mom's alcoholism became progressively worse in her last 5 years of life, and probably because she was so tiny, it really impacted her brain- yet she would still try to drink. She started having mini-strokes as almost become trance-like- the doctor said it was a vitamin B deficiency (which is common for drinkers).... so we would encourage her to take her Vitamins. Just a thought if you can get your Mom to take Vitamin B?

One time, when she was just "out of it" and went to the hospital we found another stash- we laugh about it now, for we have no idea how she was able to smuggle alcohol into her own house! Perhaps her visiting CNA would quietly bring it for her? We honestly don't know. :h:.

Anyway, my mom's problem was that in her mind, she was still the matriarch, and her baby daughter was NOT going to tell her what to do! So, even though we were able to make our home almost Alcohol Free, Mom would still order "a beer" on certain occasions... she didn't really drink much of it (her go to drink was Canadian Rye, and then Vodka)... it was the principle of the thing for my Mom. For my mom, it was that SHE wanted to be treated like an adult, and SHE wanted to make the choice.

I personally would not make it much of an issue. If you want your mom to visit, then don't make it an issue. If you don't want alcohol in your home for your stability, then you tell your Mom now that YOU need to keep the house alcohol free for YOU. However, if there is alcohol in your home, then you could offer an alcohol free beer. Many of them taste very good- O'Douls Amber, Clausthauler German.... and you can tell her a white lie that they are "lite" beers.

Enjoy your time with your Mom. :hug: Patty