It just goes on and on and on

[Hanna]

Hey all I am not new but returning under a different name. I have fought with alcohol for 30+ years. I am a functional, never miss a day at work, and have a really good family. However, my family members know that I have a problem. They probably do not know the extent of it. I drink a lot, mostly every night. I have been to AA, I've been here, I've been in therapy with a specialist in addiction. I have been on Antabuse, which I take fairly regularly. However when I take the medication I I am always happy at first but then can't wait to be able to drink again. This cycle goes on and on and on. I don't know if it will ever end. I am back here because I really don't know what else to do.

[tryingtoohard]

I hear you loud and clear. The worst part for me is the absolute self hatred that accompanies this crap. I don't think most people have any idea how much I drink, or what time I start in the morning. I am tired of the shakes, the hangovers, and god help me- the imposters syndrome. Like you, I have an advanced degree- never miss work, am a vegetarian, etc.

[Sunbeam]

I was like you two, but I just kept coming back to this site, and gradually figured out a plan that has worked for me. It took a few years for me to quit for good. I guess it comes down to finding the strength to make this change, not an easy task. The tool Box thread under monthly abstinence has lots of ideas and inspiration, maybe you know that.

[Hanna]

Tank you All. I need support. Obviously can't do this alone

[tryingtoohard]

We can TOTALLY do this I swear, we can

[SHADES_of_IDAHO]

Sunbeam u have lived up to UR name. Now life is really a new experience every day.

When u have a set back , don't step back, God is preparing you for a come back!

Have a Merry X-Mas and the best New Year!

[SHADES_of_IDAHO]

Hanna,
Just to let u know no matter how hard u try to quit u r still loved and a worthily grateful person. I pray that like my son u will find The Lord and he will give u all that u need to sustain u thru UR journey to sobriety.

It's never easy my son has lived a life living on the streets . He has lost everything. He's been beaten and almost died when someone tried to kill him and he was passed out at the time. I mean nothing is worse than to see UR beloved son on life support fighting for his life. He survived and went thru AL THERAPY. He relapsed again ended up in jail. And I don't know where he is since he has been out of jail. It's really a parents nightmare every time the phone rings.

As a parent I know this is a disease and there are many ways to quit. Many Meds to take the edge off cravings .BUT you have to want to quit. It takes a year of rehab for some who cannot stay sober. There is a science to al and relapse. Look up on web it's very interesting and educational. It may ring a bell for you.

If wishes and buts were candy and nuts we would all have a scrumptious Christmas!

[tryingtoohard]

Hanna, I am kicking this thread back up to the top- you and are in the same place, I think. I don't have my PhD, but I have my masters, and am doing post grad work- so, I "get" where you are academically, even though you have surpassed me. I think we can do this. I really do. Please check in, I don't care if you are drinking or not. I freely admit I am.

[K9Lover]

Hi Hanna and welcome back!
I completely understand where you are coming from. It's very frustrating. Like you I have been on/off of Antabuse for years, and I recently have been anxious for it to leave my system shortly after taking it. Have you tried any other medications? I am going to see my Doctor on Friday to see if there is anything that can help me break this cycle for good. But, as it's been pointed out, we have to WANT it. I know you do, now it's just a matter of making a plan. Hang in there, we can do this together ok?
K9

[available]

Welcome both of you. My join date was 2011 and i have been sober since 2013. We all need to reach what is our "bottom" before we gather the determination to be sober and stay sober. For me my health was suffering, i was starting to drink that 3rd bottle at night, my family relationships were falling apart and i didnt want to be here. My brother died from al, i could not do that to my mother.

Plan little but aim big. I ate what i wanted, i slept when i could, i watched al doco's like there was no tomorrow, i watched al related movies, i read on here, i posted like a lunatic and received help. I left my ego at the door and took on all the advice and wisdom that was found on here and i listened, really listened to the oldies on how they got sober. I still log on here every single day. i need to be accountable for my sobriety and i will also protect my quit with my life.

Merry christmas

[Hanna]

Hey guys.. Thanks for the replies. It feels good to knowsomebody is out there who understands you. Thank you also for the person who gave me a private message. I really want to help with this. Hope you are all having a wonderful Christmas.

[DriftyAlison0]

I know the feeling, wanting to quit but don't think I could do it. But you can beat the beast. It just takes time and a lot of work. Try different ways, if one way fails, see what went wrong and fix it for the next time. Hanging around here is a help. I know when I am going through a spell (still happens but not as often and not as strong) I keep reminding myself no to al and hang around here more then I usually do. I know the holidays can be tough, but I know that you can do it!

[MossRose]

Hanna, you mentioned that this isn't you first time on MWO, so perhaps we have met in the past. If so, you will know that I struggled terribly before I got it right. You can do this. I wish I had some really great advice for you, but I can only offer a hand in friendship, and the promise to stand with you. This journey is tough, but so worth it.

Are you taking any supplements to help? I found that to be very helpful, especially at the beginning, but I still take lots on a daily basis. My insurance policy

Trying - your post really drives home the point that alcoholism crosses all socioeconomic boundaries. Degrees don't protect us, a good job can't help us, and a loving family won't stop us. We need to make the decision. That's the key - just decide to stop drinking. Then our lives are authentic. We are no longer imposters. Btw...wine was my poison of choice too. It's just so damn acceptable. Until it's not. Hang in there.

[Hanna]

K9 I Really appreciate your response.. In desperation I have used antabuse for the last 2+ years. At first I thought it was a miracle drug, because when it took it I did not drink, and I took it quite a while regularly, but now I take it and cannot wait till it wears off so I can drink again. It is crazy because when I take it I am sure I work to commit to this but soon after I am not so sure. So that is what I mean by around and around and around I go. This has been my life for that many past years. Any ideas would be great. Thanks.