Identity Crisis

[gitawine]

I just feel like I need to write this all down to get my thoughts in order. I recently started therapy and although I'm not sure how great the therapist is (Nancy your comment a wall w/ a pleasant face totally fits) last session we talked a little bit about how I see myself, identities etc...The more I thought about it the more it made sense. I'm not quite sure how it relates to my drinking but I'm sure it contributes, probably in a self-medicating manner.
I'm a young mom (26 years old w/ a seven year old) but I also own two houses work full time and have most of the things that the other parents in their late thirties have that I comingle with at my daughter's school, soccer team etc. Then I have my best friends who are all my age w/ all my same or similar problems especially when it comes to drinking. Then I have my boyfriend who I recently moved in with after 3 years. And if I go way back I grew up in a neighborhood that was very closely knit, with four boys, and always thought one day I'd end up w/ one of them. At 18 I moved cross country to Maryland.
Now while I'm trying to get control of my drinking I feel this constant question nagging at me...I've never put it into words so much but here it is: Who am I? Am I a single mom, a party girl, a Neighborhood Girl, a live in gfriend/home-maker/family woman, A drunk?? Do I drink to try and forget this lack of identity? And why do I need a "label" so badly?
I had two glasses of wine tonight w/ my girlfriend who stopped over. My general rule is not to drink during the week but I'll make exceptions if friends are over since the more important part of my rule is not to drink alone. And yet I feel so guilty right now about drinking at all. I don't know how to find that balance. I spend so much time thinking about whether or not to drink, when I can drink, how much can I drink, that when I actually get to it's not fun at all. When do I get to just enjoy a glass of wine without the guilt and worry? On one hand I almost feel like it's a good thing I feel this way because it will remind me why I don't want to drink Wed and Thursday..but then why did I need to drink today?

[hart]

Identity Crisis

(((Gita)))

A whole lot of introspection for a couple of glasses of wine....eh? Let's see. You don't want to drink alone. Okay, you didn't you had some wine w/a friend. Yet, you are already wondering about tomorrow and the next day. Why? Do you think another friend will come over? Do you think you will be tempted to drink alone?

Or are you playing with since you drank today, it will be alright to drink tomorrow and/or the next day, with or without someone?

You are in charge. You have decided you want to moderate, and mainly, not drink alone. Yet, you spend time wondering about drinking or not?

The beginning of your post is interesting, but why do you think it is relevant?

Have you cut down on drinking? Do you feel satisifed? If not, what would make you feel better? Why do you think you have posted this?:dunno:

[julie001]

Identity Crisis

Gitawine,

Don't be so hard on yourself. Have you ever wondered why we feel guilty about even a moderate amount of alcohol. You had two glasses of wine while your friends were over. In my mind that is very successful moderation. I have the same rule about drinking alone. I'm learning not to rely on drinking alone to mask depression, loneliness, ect...but I do give myself permission to drink in a safe, social situation once or twice a week. My goal is no more than three glasses of wine (if I'm not driving any where). And actually, I'd like to give up wine all together, as I seem to get drunker on it. Unless your goal is to abstain, you did good just having two glasses of wine. Be proud of yourself. The key is self-control. Again, unless your goal is to abstain, give yourself persmission to have a few drinks in a social setting. As long as you are not drinking excessively, having blackouts, and are safe while driving, you have no reason to feel guilty. I'm focusing on "less is better"--less often, less to drink. Good luck!

Julie

[nancy]

Identity Crisis

identity crises, plural!

First let me say, what Julie said sounds right to me. you don't have anything to feel bad about.

Based on the way your life is set up, I am not surprised you are having an identity crisis. You are doing a lot of things that some people don't do until they are older, like in their 30s. I never questioned drinking much in my 20s so you sound mature and ahead of the game to me. Maybe you do have different lives in a way. work and motherhood are pulling you toward sobriety or moderation perhaps. But 26 is still really young, so you want to party with your friends and not worry about things. the people in these different worlds are likely to bring out the different sides of you, which must be confusing.

My guess is that you will keep going more and more in the sobriety direction. Perhaps the question is not so much whether your identity crisis is causing you to drink, but perhaps that your identity crisis causes you to question your over-drinking. these sides of you that are mature and responsible probably frown on the younger you and are perhaps more aware that there is something self--defeating in this drinking behavior? I wish I had done all this MWO soul searching a decade ago.

One thing I find really interesting about life, is the number of revolutions from within over the course of decades. I am in my late 30s and i keep having them. I wrote about an enlightening therapist i finally found. His insights were so fresh to me, insightful and amazing, despite having analyzed myself to death for 23 years. It caused a kind of revolution from within to steal the name of Gloria Steinham's book. I have experienced this on a number of occasions now. Things I thought were fixed or that I knew, turn out to be wrong. this can happen with positive (gaining a connection and acceptance of self) or negative events (loss of a connection).

MWO has triggered a kind of minirevolution in me and I think for a lot of other people on this site.

These things are sometimes hard to see when you are in the process of change.

I would like to hear what people in their 40s think about this.

[MDBiker]

Identity Crisis

Gita, I don't want to be overbearing, controversal, or a jerk. This is just my opinion for what it is worth.

I think a lot of this post is about your identity. Who Are YOU. I think that is a good question. It is one we all ask ourselves at different times in our lives. I agree with all you say about all you have done (are doing), but that is not who you are. I have lived through this before, and if you put your identity in the things you do, you are destined for self destruction. The single mom will wane with grown up children. The party girl cannot sustain the party lifestyle forever. The neighborhood girl has already grown up and moved away. The purpose of a live in girl friend is to develop a relationship and move to another level of commitment, or not. Drunk is not an identity, it is a condition. All these things are destined to pass. Your identity is found in your faith. It is in your soul. I am a Christian, and I am a child of God. That is my identity, and it will never change. You could be a disciple of Buda, or a Scientology disciple; whatever you choose, but I believe you will find your identity in what you believe not what you do. When I finally understood my identity was found in being a child of God; I was released from my mental trauma and performance based life. I don't have to try to be a child of God, I am a child of God. It is a very free feeling and I love my life again. I am not drinking and being sober is a big plus for me, but being free from the performance based life I was living is an epiphany for me.

I wish you the best on you search,:l
bear

[satori]

Identity Crisis

Gita.

Our identity does not lie in what we do, or what we posess.

In the modern world people often feel "lost" - searching for their true identity.
Continually looking for "happiness".
Continually trying to avoid "unpleasantness"
Wanting to feel "good" about themselves and their world - all the time.
Always looking for the elusive "something" or "somebody" that will make us "complete"

And, because of this craving for "happiness" we constantly are rushing about buying things or rushing into relationships we think will make us "happy" or drinking alcohol because we think it will make us feel "good". This is a usually a subconscious process.

But the truth is - true happiness is not to be found in external posessions or alcohol. The buzz you get from buying that "must have" Gucci handbag - or whatever, ALWAYS fades, and, off we go again looking for the next thing that will make us "truly" complete and contented.

But our existence ISN'T EVER going to be all happiness and contentment.
Lots of life SUCKS - and always will no matter how hard you try to avoid it.
That is the nature of things.

True happiness is to be found when you finally see that you are already complete - just as you are - without having to have the possessions. Without having to self medicate with alcohol or drugs.
True happiness (and the realisation of your TRUE "identity") comes from the realisation that you dont need to be chasing "happiness" or the perfect social "image" all the time.
You need to realise that it is the craving for happiness itself that is making you unhappy!
If we dont have the latest car or the biggest house or the perfect marriage - we often feel anxiety and stress and we eat ourselves up inside. That often leads to alcohol or drug use to make these feelings go away.

But - the truth is, if we can just accept the fact that we don't need these things in the first place - we don't HAVE to have the perfect marriage, the latest car or the nicest house, that it is OK to admit that one's relationships are not perfect (I mean - just show me one relationship that is perfect 24/7 ), or that it is OK to admit we are human and have an alcohol problem we finally leave the anxiety and stress and unhappiness behind.

An enormous weight is lifted from our shoulders and we finally realise that just BEING, just EXISTING and having the privelage of experiencing life with its good AND bad bits, without the self imposed stress of craving some impossible ideal is what makes us truly happy.

Just my own beliefs of course - but they have helped me greatly over the years.
Please feel free to ignore my ramblings.

Satori

xxx

[gitawine]

Identity Crisis

Thanks everyone for your replies, they are all good food for thought...I guess two glasses of wine does bring out the rather introspective side of me, Hart.
Satori-I think I have a hard time just "being" as you put it. As we all know, life is fairly monotonous for the most part. I don't know what to do w/ myself unless I'm working towards the next "stage" in my life, it has driven my BF crazy for 3 years, he says I'm always on a predetermined timeline of where I should be at.
Nancy-thank you for recognizing just how I feel. I am pulled in many different directions and it does get confusing. My therapist says I should see it as an advantage that I have so many different aspects or social circles in my life. Moving in w/ my BF has been a huge adjustment for me. When I lived alone my house was Grand Central Station. I'm trying to become comfortable in yet another role in my life, which is being a part of a more typical "family" life. I would daresay the majority of you that are married w/ children don't have your gfriends over every day just to hang out!
What does it all have to do w/ my drinking....I don't know really. There are a lot of psychological issues addressed on this board and I guess I was just looking for some insight. The dramatic tone of the post probably came from the wine Perhaps, like so many others, my emotional turmoil has contributed to my alcohol abuse. I am trying to keep myself motivated to WANT to change and that is the hardest part. Being a functioning alcoholic has been my thing for the past three years and it is has become one of my "identities". There are moments I just want to say, "It's Who I am, and I like it!"and go back to drinking every night. But I know in the long run it won't make me happy and I stand to lose so much.
Thanks again for all of your thoughts.
Gita

[nancy]

Identity Crisis

I think what Satori said on this is right on.

It might be difficult and uncomfortable to be going in all these directions, transplanted geographically, lots of responsibility at a young age. But its the way your life is at this moment and if you accept that instead of escaping from it you will be better off. Easier said than done though!

Life is always changing and your life and self image could be really different in three years and you might look back on this period as a transition period of your mid-20s.

I was thinking, the book Easy Way to Stop Drinking by Alan Carr might help you. (sorry i am like a drug pusher pushing this book!)

he makes some good points about why it is so unwise to rely on alcohol to get through stressful situations. he uses the myth of the ostrich, which sticks its head in the sand in times of danger.

IF you knew that you were in the middle of a dangerous situation, would you just close your ears and eyes? essentially, that is what we do when we get drunk.

it's easier to handle stresses and emotional upsets without alcohol. there is nothing worse than being really emotional and having alcohol accentuate it.