Back again

[abcowboy]

Dove, I'm going to my meeting tonight! I know how hard it was for me the first time, but each meeting got better and better! Now, it's a group of friends that I go visit every week and get my "batteries recharged"! I think of it as face to face MWO. Go to the meeting, take what helps and leave the rest!

[Byrdlady]

Dove,
Would you say you are an alcoholic? B

[doveagain]

I would say I am a problem drinker. At times, depending on what's going on in my work life, I will only drink once a week or so (always drinking to be drunk). Bc at times I work so much or am on call and so won't drink. Once I start feeling the buzz of the alcohol I don't want it to end.

[doveagain]

My marriage counselor (second time there) said that if I am not already an alcoholic I am on my way there.

[Byrdlady]

So what is the differentiation between a problem drinker and an alcoholic? What is the distinction, in your opnion?

[doveagain]

I don't know. I guess that I don't crave alcohol daily or even sometimes not at all but when I get to a few drinks keep going till I'm 'drunk enough' which may be 5 or six drinks at home or 10-12 at the bar. There are a lot of days I don't even want to drink, like not hungover but maybe just know I don't want to be drinking all night (?), but do for some reason and then keep drinking. I can also 'turn it off and on' like when I'm working so think that might be a distinction. In reality there probably is no distinction. I am a drunk when I drink.

[Byrdlady]

I came back now bc alcohol is screwing my life up royally. More than ever before. I need to stop but am so scared. I am screwing up my marriage and work life and am tired of being hungover but just keep going back to the bar and keep doing all the things I know I shouldn't do. I like myself a lot when I'm sober but hate myself after drinking.

This was said yesterday....it's a little different in tone than what you just explained. Here's the thing, if AL is causing problems in your life and you seem to be powerless to stop it? Then you might be one of us. I don't think of the term 'Alcoholic' to be so much a label as I do a diagnosis. Alcoholics should absolutely not drink AL. Let's take a look at what the book says:

The4 stages of alcoholism

---

Alcoholismis a progressive degenerative disease that includes the following symptoms: craving, physical dependence, tolerance, and the loss of control.

Alcoholism is a complex topic that can be better understood when it is studiedand assessed via the 4 alcoholism stages. Keep in mind that when theterm "alcoholism" is used, this also means "alcoholaddiction," "alcohol dependency," "alcoholdependence," "problem drinker."

Stage 1, drinking is no longer social but is a means of emotional escape from inhibitions, problems, shyness. During the first stage of alcoholism, drinking is, in manyinstances, a psychological attempt to escape from reality. Earlyin the disease an individual starts to depend on the mood-altering effects of alcohol.

Another sign of the 1st stage of alcoholism is that a slow, gradual increase in tolerance develops, meaning that more and more amounts of alcohol are needed for the individual to "get high" or to"feel the buzz." It is common for problem drinkers inthe first stage of alcoholism to start gulping 1 or 2 drinks beforeattending a social function and then to increase social drinking to 3 to 5drinks per day.


In the 2nd stage of alcoholism, the need to drink becomes more powerful. It is common for the drinker to start todrink earlier in the day.

As tolerance increases, the individual drinks not because of tension or stress relief, but because ofhis or her dependence on alcohol. During this stage of the disease, even thoughthe "loss of control" does not occur on a regular basis, it is,nevertheless, starting to become more noticeable by others such as relatives,family members, neighbors, friends, and co-workers.

Also during this stage, the drinker may begin to feelmore concerned and embarrassed about his or her drinking. Often during thisstage, problem drinkers are unsuccessful in their attempts to stop drinking.

In this stage, physical symptoms such as hangovers, blackouts, hand tremors,and stomach problems increase. Interestingly, instead of seeing their drinkingas the root of the many problems and issues they experience, however, drinkerswith a drinking problem in this stage frequently start to blame others andthings external to themselves for their difficulties.

In the third stage of alcoholism, the loss of control becomes more severe and observable. This means that problem drinkers are unable to drink inaccordance with their intentions. Once the individual takes thefirst drink, he or she commonly can no longer control further drinkingbehavior, in spite of the fact that the intent might have been to have just"one or two drinks." It should be stressed that an important aspectof this stage of the illness is the following: the drinker often starts toexperience more serious drinking problems as well as alcohol-relatedemployment, relationship, financial, and legal problems.

In the 3rd stage, it is common for the person to startavoiding friends/ family and to show a lack of interest in activities andevents that once were fun or important. Also typical during this stage are"eye-openers," drinks that are taken whenever the problemdrinker awakens. Eye-openers are taken mainly to "calm the nerves,"lessen a hangover, or to quiet the feelings of remorse the individual experiences after a period of time without consuming a drink.

As the drinking increases the individual with the drinking problem starts to neglectmost things of importance, even necessities such as food, water, personalhygiene, shelter, and personal interaction. And finally, thedrinker often makes half-hearted attempts at getting professional medicalassistance or getting support.

The fourth and last stage of alcoholism is marked by a chronic loss ofcontrol. In the earlier stages of the illness, the problem drinker may havebeen successful in holding a job. Due to the fact that drinking during thisstage frequently starts earlier in the day and commonly continues throughoutthe day, however, few, if any, full-time jobs can be maintained under theseconditions.

In the earlier stages of the illness, the problem drinker had a choice whetherhe or she would take the first drink. After taking the first drink, the drinkertypically lost all control and would then continue drinking. In the last stageof alcoholism, however, alcoholics no longer have a choice: they need to drinkin order to function on a daily basis.

During the fourth stage of alcoholism, benders are typical and the alcoholic frequently gets helplesslydrunk and may remain in this predicament for a number of days or weeks. Theunattainable goal for the drinker while engaging in his or her bender is toexperience the "high" they he or she once experienced.

In the second or third stages of alcoholism the drinker's hands may havetrembled slightly on mornings after getting drunk the previous night. In the 4th &last stage of alcoholism, conversely, alcoholics get "theshakes" whenever they attempt or are forced to refrain from drinking.

These tremors are an indication of a serious nervous disorder that now affectsthe drinker's entire body. When "the shakes" are combined withhallucinations, furthermore, the result is known as "the DTs" ordelirium tremens. The DTs are a potentially deadly kind of alcoholismwithdrawal that almost always takes place unless the alcoholic receivesimmediate alcoholism treatment. It may come as no surprise that after an attackof the DTs, more than a few alcoholics promise to never drink again. Sadly,most of them do not and cannot fulfill their promise. Consequently, they moreoften than not return to drinking and the alcoholic drinking patterns anddrinking problem start all over again.




I have bolded the parts that you explained were happening to you. By all accounts here, it looks as if you are a Stage 3 Alcoholic. So am I. It sucks...because did you notice stage 4? This thing doesn't arrest itself, it progresses on and gets worse.

When I came here, I blamed my mother, my job, my family, the guy who puts cheese on the nachos at ballgames....I was blaming anyone but the true culprit. ME. I HAVE THE PROBLEM. That problem is AL.

Are you interested in getting better or do you want to continue on the path you are on? Just let us know and we will respect it. Reaching out for help around here is serious business because we want to help....but if you don't want it or are not ready for it, please let us know that too.

[doveagain]

Yes, all of those things and neglect/avoidance of friends and family.

I went to the AA meeting and felt weird and out of place the whole time. I feel like the people there who spoke are talking about the problems they have had with alcohol and drugs and that my problems are nowhere near as serious....like I feel like an impostor and am just taking up space in the place that someone else could be using to get help. I know I have a problem stopping drinking when I start and I want it to stop. I just don't know if I can make it happen. I don't have faith in myself that I can make it happen.

I just told my husband I didn't feel right there and his words were...'This is such a simple issue, just stop drinking.' For fuck's sake, how can I go forward with trying to stop drinking and recover with a partner who is so fucking unsupportive and thinks this is all 'so simple'. I feel like I am deciding between this marriage and alcohol and either way, stopping drinking or not, the marriage will still end because he has no fucking clue. If I go forward with stopping and fuck up tomorrow, then what? He leaves? If I go forward with stopping and in two weeks he wants to go to a party with his friends where there is alcohol and I don't want to be there yet, then what? A huge fight about how I hate his friends? If I go forward with recovery I know I will change as a person because the reasons for drinking are not simple at all and I know I will realize things about myself, and maybe him, that can't be reconciled...then what? We end the marriage anyway?

If I choose to keep drinking, he will probably leave me eventually.
If I choose to stop drinking, I may have to leave him to fully embrace recovery.

I know I need to stop but feel I am doing it to try to keep him around and when he says things like 'it is so simple' to me I wonder why I am even on this road, trying to keep him at my side because he is not anywhere near. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I just want it all to end. All of it. The drinking, the marriage, everything.

[doveagain]

And I am really tempted to have a beer now since I have been crying for the past hour after his 'it's so simple' comments. I hate him right now.

[BeachGirly]

Hi Dove,
I can see you are in a lot of pain right now. It really is hard. Many of us here have had similar situations, and fears. Some couples are stronger, others need to move on to help themselves quit.

The best thing now is to just take it one day at a time. Even 1/2 hr at a time. Committ to yourself that you will not drink tonight.

I too have a husband that does not really get it. Each time we talk, he understands a bit more.
I am going to bet, that your hubby very much wants you healthy again, and as each day passes he will understand more.
Please start to read others stories and struggles here. We are all similar.

I am cheering for you. Do not drink tonight.
It is hard to take the first step, but I think you know you need to do this. This is why you searched for us.

[actiongirl46]

Doveagain - You know this . . . the only person you can control is you. The only behaviors you can control are yours. Why not just embrace that as a first step, choose what YOU need to be free and have peace in your mind for now, just for now, and take it a day at a time? You can do this!

[doveagain]

I didn't have a beer. I just wish I had someone more supportive here in person. He says he is not giving me credit for anything until I don't stay out at the bar next Sunday. He doesn't care that I don't drink today because it is 'just so simple' to not drink. I fucking hate him. I want him out of my house.

[See the Light]

Marriage and lack of support issues aside, your husband is just wrong-

" I just told my husband I didn't feel right there and his words were...'This is such a simple issue, just stop drinking.' "

…. is just a stupid thing to say. You have stopped drinking before. Probably many times. When you stop drinking and nothing in you has changed, you will start drinking again. It is clearly more complicated than that. It’s not just “will power”. If “will” power is your only tool, you “will” drink again. Since your husband is an enabler and a drinker himself, he clearly is a challenge in your recovery. Going to AA and posting here is a good way to vent your issues and escape his negative comments…you need positive encouragement through this process, not uneducated off the wall remarks. Crying is good. Emotions are the way non-drinkers deal with life. Your life will be complicated and challenging…everybody’s is. You CAN handle it without drinking though..you have to find other ways to cope because you know AL with only make things worse. Find your escape….music, exercise, meditation, religion, family, friends, art, food, etc…whatever takes your mind off your problems when they are there, whatever takes your mind off drinking when those thoughts are there. Its New Years…2015 is your year to get sober for good..avoid the alcohol exposure any way you can (and maybe avoid your husband when he is drinking, especially as you are in the early recovery stages). It will get better.. life is beautiful if and when you see it that way…hang in there…and Happy New Years

[See the Light]

…oh, 1 more thought regarding your husband and your recent experiences...what you decide to do is obviously your choice, and I am certainly no marriage counselor, but although he may not help your recovery, he shouldn’t be the excuse why you can’t succeed either. You are strong enough to recover in spite of him. And maybe even consider this crazy thought…maybe YOU are the stronger of the 2 of you..maybe your steadfast and unwavering focus on getting and staying sober rubs off on him, and inspires him to see his issues. Maybe when you live a life that is great and fulfilled without alcohol, he will finally see the light…maybe you then have changed 2 lives..which maybe then changes 10 or more lives around you, just because YOU found your way out first, remained strong and stayed positive …just maybe…weirder shit has happened…what a story you will have then…just maybe it all can be saved..maybe..but it’s up to YOU to start that story

[Byrdlady]

I didn't have a beer. I just wish I had someone more supportive here in person. He says he is not giving me credit for anything until I don't stay out at the bar next Sunday. He doesn't care that I don't drink today because it is 'just so simple' to not drink. I fucking hate him. I want him out of my house.

Believe it or not, this is great stuff right here...
You didn't drink.

I ate AT people and drank AT situations for years and all I became was a fat drunk. I showed THEM! I don't do that now....I've learned WHAT and WHO to be angry AT. ALCOHOL should be at the top of that list. I FECKING HATE AL. HATE IT for what it has done to me and all my friends here. Direct that anger at AL, not at yourself or hubs and you will have made a huge leap in this journey.

My hubs didn't 'get it' either. Normal drinkers DON'T get it. They will never get it, but they CAN be supportive once they understand things better.

If you boil it down to the bits, (like I had to do), it really wasn't a choice between AL or my husband (altho it seemed like it at the time). I was REALLY choosing between LIFE or DEATH. If I kept drinking, I was going to die. At the time, this was a hard choice, I REALLY LOVED AL.

Hubs just didn't get it and I was pissed off because HE left ME over this and he still drank! At that time, everything was in utter chaos....EVERYTHING. But once I eliminated AL from the mix, I was amazed at the collateral benefits. I had more patience. I wasn't biting HIS head off. I wasn't yelling or crying. I was RATIONAL. Hard to imagine how far that goes in an argument.

I can't predict the future. But I DO know that worrying about all the WHAT IF'S isn't going to improve my life today. Regret of the past and fear of the future are the twin thieves of the present. If you take this one variable out of the equation for good, then let's see what happens. This is the one variable that has never been completely removed. You will be amazed at the result! EVERYTHING is better without AL! (and NO ONE resisted it like I did!!!)

We believe in you. I have every faith that you CAN do this. I did it, and I was a hard nut to crack. People here believed in me, and it made all the difference. You can do this....one day at a time. B