Back again

[doveagain]

Thanks all. I am trying not to cry reading your responses.
Love, Dove

[BeachGirly]

Big Virtual HUG Dove - you can do this!

[Marylou123]

Hi Dove and welcome,

Like some others here, my husband left because of my drinking, or rather my refusal to stop. I used to love alcohol and hate him. That was nearly a year ago. Now I hate alcohol and love him. Our marriage is far from perfect but I am sober and we are working on it together. In the early days being af, I was so pissed he wasn't there to "support" me. After all, he vowed to stick through in sickness and for worse. What I failed to realize, was that he had actually been sticking through it for 20 years! I was the problem. I needed to change. I was dying. That realization hit me after he left. And that's the day I said a great big FU to alcohol. Because I knew I had really screwed up that relation. Now he's no walk in the park, but he wasn't passed out on the couch every night, he wasn't planning every activity around drinking, he wasn't priming before heading to a party, and he had zero confidence he could take me anywhere booze would be served because he had to "babysit " me.

I made the decision to stop drinking despite him. Because I knew, if I didn't quit, I would simply keep repeating the same relationship suicide. I wanted a real relationship - one where I was respected. One where my other half would be proud to be with me - not embarrassed.

That was last January. Today, I am AF, we are back together and actively working on our marriage. Sometimes I go with him to events where alcohol is served and drink non-al beverages. Sometimes I drink cranberry and soda with a lime and let people think I'm drinking cosmos. (But more and more I don't care what others think I'm drinking because, most of the time, nobody really cares - normal drinkers don't think like us!). Sometimes though, when I'm feeling not so strong, I tell him to go, have fun. I don't expect him to stop doing things he enjoys, and he is a normal drinker, just cuz I can't handle it. We do many other things together.

Brydie gave you excellent advice - don't worry about the "what ifs". Even sober people can't predict the future - but they can face whatever life throws clear minded. Take it five minutes at a time if you need to. Knit - I tried to learn and made the worlds biggest potholder. Ha. Exercise. When my cravings were bad, I'd walk in place, staring at the tv, munching licorice like a maniac for 10 or 15 minutes and the craving would pass. And come here as often as possible.

We will help you if you want it. And you can do it, if you want to.

So here's to a new year and a new you!

[doveagain]

I still haven't drank alcohol. Today I almost did and checked with my husband who got very angry at me and I came home instead. I don't care what anyone says, I feel having someone to push me over the decision edge to not drink does sway my actions. I wish he would have had a rational conversation with me instead of a screaming match but I didn't drink.

[paulywogg]

Good on not drinking Dove I would hate to be in a tension filled marriage, just focus on yourself, I've found I hafta be selfish in quitting, I do things on MY time,I avoid situations that I don't want to deal with,and I avoid people who irritate me,think about it,alcoholism is a pretty selfish thing anyways, but at least being selfish in recovery we're doing a positive thing for us,maybe when your hubs knows he can trust you again the marriage will work itself out,maybe not,but at least your head will be soberly screwed on straight so you can make the best decision for you,I wish you all the best and I'll be keeping an eye on you

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

Hi Dove,
Welcome back! if you right click on my name, you can read my posts/story... where I am SO lucky is that I made my husband choose between alcohol and me, and he chose ME. He's been Alcohol Free since about March, whether I've been home or travelling. For the first 4 months, he barely talked to me. The intimacy we once shared was gone and he was like a pouty child. Oh well, I stayed firm. We were step above strangers, Dove, but we were both sober. He saw no reason to stop drinking, but because he loves me, he did.

I would not recommend putting an ultimatum out there, and I'm so blessed that it worked.

BUT. Dove, for you.... what do YOU want? "I want my life to be _____________.
I want to be this type of woman: ____________________, ______________________., _____________.
When I look in the mirror, I see _______________________________. I want to see _______________________

In my opinion, Dove, you need to keep your sobriety close to your heart. Journal your feelings- whether it's here, or in a notebook- but journal the ups, the downs, the anger, the grief, the unexpected humor.... just write it down. No rules, just write.

Drink lots of water, avoid the bar, and if you need to hibernate from your husband right now, that's okay. No need to expend negative energy- sometimes it's easier than done, but you can do it. Call it a New Year's Resolution- a perfect excuse.

Hugs, sweet Dove. You aren't alone. I'm a little ahead of you on the path, and if you've ever walked in deep snow, you learn to walk in the other person's footprints. :heartbeat: Patty