OK I am back..because I don't know what else to do

[Hanna]

Hi all

I was here several years ago, with a different name. I have known I have a problem with alcohol for 30 + years, but have always been "functional". I raised 2 great kids, have a good career ( I am a Ph.D. Psychologist), but have struggled big time with this. I never drink during the day, but come 5pm all bets are off. I am a small person, and I work out religiously, but drink religiously as well. I drink at night until I go to bed (pass out) at about 10pm. I have tried AA more than once; really tried it for a good amount of time, got a sponser, did what I was told, etc. I hated the whole thing. I have seen a psychologist who specializes in addiction, who is not a fan of AA, very cognitive-behavioral focused. I have tried Tomoxafin, and Antabuse, which works, of course, when I take it, but I tend to hesitate to take if often, as I miss the ability to drink when I do (how screwed up is that???). I can't seem to stop. I (thank God) seem to not be physically addicted, in that I can go several days without, and be ok, but psychologically.....can't seem to do this.

Anyone here who has anything to say that might help me would be appreciated! This issue is sooooo, soooo, old.

Thanks

[available]

Hi Hanna and welcome. I was a 5pm drinker or 5.15 as i had to feed the dogs of course and i drank until i passed out. Every day ending in a Y was a great reason to drink. You are no different than any of us on here, you are an alcoholic or whatever you want to name it. When i admitted that that was what i was and made a conscious effort to stop drinking for good and accepted i was an alcoholic it became an easier journey to embark on. I logged on mwo 24/7 at first, i got rid of all alcohol, gathered my children as my support network and here.

You are physically addicted Hanna, you keep drinking! Us alkies will give any excuse not to accept what we are. I know i did. I called myself a functioning alcoholic, it sounded doable but at the end of the day it was affecting my whole life and myself.

If you can go several days without al then commit to 30 days not drinking and see how you feel. Everyone is different in how they stop drinking. I reached out for support and i found if i was accountable it made me more determined. I read a lot on mwo about others and their struggles and what they did to achieve sobriety. I watched al documentaries, i ate what i wanted and i was gentle on myself. I made it my priority was not to drink each day and after a month it became easier and i felt so much better. Now after a year sober, i never ever want to drink again.

Head over to the newbies nest, there is a wealth of support and people at different stages.

[abcowboy]

Hanna, I can't say much more than Ava said, you HAVE to want to do this for you....and we'll be here to help and support you every step of the way!

[Turnagain]

Hi Hanna - glad you're back! Like you, I struggled and berated myself for decades about my 'drinking problem.' I mean, how could smart, professional and otherwise responsible people have that kind of difficulty with alcohol without being somehow....flawed?

Like you, I could go for longer periods of time without drinking, and I told myself that this meant I wasn't an 'alcoholic.' Yet, something was 'wrong' since my ability to 'control' my drinking once I started was becoming increasingly tenuous. I was slipping into the zone where I was feeling fed up with myself and hopeless about my ability to change.

BUT I - and many others here, like Ava - are proof that change can indeed happen. For me, that change started once I decided to stop drinking. For good. Forever. That decision came once I was able to accept and fully understand the fundamental truth about alcohol addiction: Alcohol is the problem - not me. And it's not you. Alcohol is a toxin. It is a carcinogen. And it is an addictive drug.

And yes, my friend, you ARE addicted physically. That's the way alcohol works in our system - which includes our heads. Alcohol not only physically alters the structure of the brain, but also the biochemical function. That's fact. The overwhelming compulsion to drink is a very real physical need. Moreover, the physical component of addiction manifests itself in terms of triggering conditioned responses which most of us commonly have thought of as being 'psychological' in nature.

The truth about alcohol is that there is NO safe level of consumption. Some of us are more vulnerable, more quickly than others to the damaging results of alcohol. That doesn't make you a weak-willed person.

Healing the years - decades - of damage takes time and effort. It's not always easy and in the beginning, during the withdrawal/detox phase, it's downright difficult. But it's worth it to get your life back from addiction. I love my life now. I have hope. I have joy. I am free. And, you can also experience that incredibly powerful moment when you realize that you've gone from being a person who no longer drinks....to someone who no longer even wants to drink.

You can do this. It starts when you stop putting the poison in your body. This site, and the people here, are a rich resource for help and support. Give yourself some thanks for reaching out and give yourself permission to succeed in breaking free of addiction - it's time to let super-Hanna live the healthy and fulfilling life she deserves.

[MossRose]

Hi Hanna. I totally understand your feelings. There is a discussion going on in the Nest right now about this very thing. AA, willpower, medications will only take us so far, but it's acceptance that will finally win the battle. Yes, it sounds simple, and in some ways it is, and then again, it's also the hardest thing you will ever do...truly accept that you can't drink anymore. Sobriety is really all about changing the way we think about AL and what benefit we are getting from it. So while I have found supplementing with vitamins, minerals and aminos to be very helpful in repairing the damage and minimizing the cravings, I also had to do the really hard work of changing my attitude towards alcohol.

I now realize that I have always had a problem with AL - all the way back to the beginning. For me, it probably started with that first drink, but I couldn't or wouldn't accept that for decades, so I didn't. During that time, I continued to drink way too much, but also managed to do as you have - remain "functional." I earned degrees, raised a family, bought a home, all of the stuff that we judge as normal and use as an excuse to keep drinking. We can't be that bad, right? We are keeping up with society's expectations. But if you are like me, the backdrop of your life, has always been AL. Drinking robs us of peace, joy, contentment and makes it impossible to live an authentic life. That is AL's job, function and goal. Please be stronger, and give the bastard the boot.

I always dreamed of living a different life, one that appeals to me very much - organic and holistic - yet I continued to do the very thing that would prevent that vision from manifesting. It wasn't until I sat down, got real with myself, and realized that dreaming wasn't going to cut it. I wrote everything down in a journal and then it became hard to ignore. It was there in black-and-white. It confused me. The list of pros/cons was so lopsided. There was only one thing to scratch off the list (AL/con) and all the things in the pro column could become a reality. Writing down my intentions helped to de-glamorize AL and made me focus. I received this advice on my first day at MWO, and it was golden. Write it down. Post it here. Get it out of your head and onto paper. That makes it real. It's a good starting point. So my advice would be to make a list, or write down your life's mission statement, or draw a picture, take a photo - anything that captures the spirit of where you would like to go in life without AL holding you back. What passions do you have that you haven't explored yet because there's no time to do that after 5 pm? I bet you have many.


Learning a new road map is difficult, but I promise you, if I can do so can you. Hang in there. xx

[Spiritfree]

Hi Hanna -I am glad that I read this post tonight. Thank you for creating it.

And welcome back -who only knows how many of us have done this same thing -time and time again -restarting.

I can only speak from my experience and, very briefly, I would like to share with you the following:
(1) Early age drinker (12) till age 49. End of drinking career found me drinking from wake-up to pass-out(s).

(2) Had attempted many forms of quitting -AA (extensive), nutritional supplements, counseling, meditation, etc. -over the course of 15 years

(3) Finally reached the point of no-return with alcohol -I was either going to quickly die from the effects of alcohol or I was going to find a medical solution. My alcohol saturated brain could not logically understand a way out without alcohol.

(4) Medical solution: Why did I finally believe that it would take a medical-chemical solution to solve my alcohol-death problem? Because, somewhere deep in the back of my mind, I knew that I wanted to live -and that I was not intentionally or willfully choosing to be in this pain or wanting to die the alcoholic death. For me, I knew this to be a fact.

(5) Having exhausted all known remedies to rid me of my AUD, I made the decision that I would find a medication to help or I would die from the AUD -my only two remaining choices. I did all of my research early in the morning before I would become to intoxicated at late morning. One day, I viewed an interview between Diane Sawyer and Dr. Olivier Ameisen. Ten days later, I was at an outpatient center that had agreed to prescribe high dose baclofen to me. I remain grateful to this day -almost two years later.

(6) Baclofen was only the beginning step for me, but it was a great first step. It is extremely challenging creating a new life that is void of alcohol, regardless of medication. Baclofen helped me to more quickly permanently remove my cravings and anxiety/depression, but it did not teach me how to adjust to a completely new way of living and perceiving. (It has taken, and still takes changes in gratitude, nutrition, sleeping, spiritual, exercise,social, etc. -not all at once, of course.)

(7) ** In my final days of drinking, I did not want to stop drinking -drinking was the only way that my brain could perceive me continuing to live. But what I did want and desperately sought, was the "WANT" to want to stop drinking. Alcohol had re-wired my brain to the extent that my brain could not conceive of me living without alcohol. Alcohol had, in my brain's perception, become as important, if not more so, than water or food for me to survive. In fact, when I was only an afternoon-evening drinker, my brain was then programmed to believe that alcohol was necessary during those hours in order for me to feel normal-ok.

It is scientific fact that alcohol -physically- re-wires our brains. Only time and/or medication can help change this fact.

I am glad that I was able to respond to your post -regardless. Selfishly, it helps me to remind myself of what it took for me. We all know that there are many paths to freedom -the key is to find our own path.

SF

[Hanna]

Wow...just got back on here. And read these incredible responses. I won't
Iie to you. It is Friday night after 8:30 so I am here after drinking, but I am blown away by the responses. I will read them again tomorrow when I am clear headed. I want so much to be where you are. This is soooooo old. Thank you so much for responding!

[available]

Hanna, for most of us, instead of drinking we come on here to be with others that understand. I found that people can be condescending if we admit we have a problem with al but here everyone understands. No one judges us and we are all here to help. Start tomorrow Hanna, you will never regret your decision. All of us who have stopped never ever wish to be back in the grips of al.

There are some very very wise people on mwo as said by all who replied.

Take care of yourself first and foremost.

[Hanna]

Thank you, thank you all for the responses. As I shared, I have already drank tonight. If any of you are willing, I would love to connect one on one (obviously when I am sober). If any of you are willing, please pm me. Thanks in advance

Hanna

[MossRose]

Hanna - I am always available on PM. However, I think that you might want to consider posting here too. Building a community of support is so important. We learn from you. You learn from us. It's reciprocal. And it's crucial to recovery. I guess what I'm trying to say is that AL is kind of like a cockroach. It scurries when when you turn on the light. Staying behind the scenes may help in the short-term (and I highly advise hooking up with a few kind souls. I did, and it has carried me through). However, until your story is told, it is too easy to remain in the shadows. Speaking our truth - out loud - can be very healing. Scary, but healing. Give it a try (again - I know you are not a total newbie), and see if it helps this time. I'm in. Wishing you all the best. Let the troops rally. That's what we are here for.

How are you doing today? C'mon back and give us an update.

[DriftyAlison0]

When I first planned this quit, it was actually meant as a 30 day af period and while I was walking home from a couple drinks, I had the feeling that this would be a good time to quit and so I did and although there are times when I "miss" beer and al, I know that drinking will just take me back to where I was and I do not think I have another day 1 in me for a while if I were to drink.

With AL you are addicted, its also physical and not just mental addiction. Your at the right place.

[Pavati]

Hi, Hanna:

I just saw your post - I can't say much more than has already been said.

With a successful career and the outward appearance of a great life, it was hard for me to grasp that I was addicted to alcohol. I could quit for certain periods of time, after all. However, after quitting, I have realized how much more of a problem alcohol was than I thought or could see through my impaired perspective.

Spend some time here, read, click the links, and connect. I also recommend The Bubble Hour podcast.

Welcome to MWO, and the beginning of your freedom.

Pavati

[Sunbeam]

Hi Hanna,
You can look at my join date and quit date to see how long it took me to really quit. I was never a daily drinker, and I often stopped at three glasses, but alcohol was taking away, not adding to my life. I have too many other things I want to do with the rest of my life, and drinking was not enabling me to move forward . The thread here about the first day of your umpteenth quit would be a good place for you to hang out. A group can and will provide so much more support than any individual ever could. You are welcome to pm me anytime, and I will respond. I wish you well, it is a difficult but so worthwhile journey. Everything in my life is better without alcohol. Everything.

[Hanna]

Wow. I think I had forgotten how awesome this site really is! I can't thank you all enough for your responses. I think that major reason that I ask for one-to-one communication is that I like to feel I've connected with someone who is similar to me. However the advice I have gotten from the few of you that have responded suggests that I actually talk to the group and not just alone. I will take that advice. This drinking issue is the most perplexing ever dealt with. I have never wanted and not wanted something so badly at the same time in any other area of my life. In all other areas, when I want something I am motivated to do it and I push really hard. This is somehow very different. I am sure you guys understand what I'm saying. W

[MossRose]

Hi Hanna. Good to see you back. We certainly do understand. It's confusing, isn't it? Why do we resist giving up something that is causing us distress? In all other areas of our life, we would cut our losses and move on.

I think the excellent posts above explain it quite well. AL addiction is mental, emotional and physical. Our brain chemistry gets all messed up. Our bodies pull resources from one area to give to another area in an attempt to keep functioning. Our systems get thrown off-kilter by the onslaught. It's really pretty amazing if you think about it. We continue to poison ourselves, and our bodies try to adapt in order to survive. It happens slowly, so we don't really notice it. And then one day, here we are feeling crappy physically and mentally, posting on MWO, and wondering where it all went so wrong.

I also used to comfort myself with the thought that since I never experienced terrible withdrawal symptoms when I didn't drink, I couldn't really be physically addicted to AL. I just "liked" to drink. Oh my - I couldn't have been more wrong. I finally decided enough was enough when I started having nightly blackouts. My body was at its breaking point. Very dangerous...beyond just a few embarrassing texts or FB posts, but physically dangerous. I read a line in Jason Vale's book that finally knocked some sense into me. I don't remember the exact sentence, but he was talking about when we pass out from drinking. To paraphrase, he said - Our brain can't keep us a awake and alive at the same time. That made perfect sense to me. Not very scientific, but I bet there's a whole lot of science behind this statement.

Luckily, we have some very wise folks here at MWO who do know the science behind addiction. I have followed their posts, taken their advice, used many supps, changed my diet, and then once my body was detoxed and getting stronger, I started working on the emotional aspects of addiction. It's not always easy, but it's worthwhile. Keep posting and hang in there.

Now, that I have blathered on...how is your day going?