Don't know what I'm doing

[landsharkman]

Hey Guys,

I've been away from the site for a few weeks, was on two weeks vacation then I'm ashamed to say, I've fallen down again.

Promised myself when on vacation was only going to try to have a few beers a day. Was with a crowd, so felt out of sorts not drinking. So fell into only two or three, which was actually OK, I felt in control for the first time in my life. But now after only 10 days back from vacation, the bug is back in my brain.

I do not know what to do. God, this is hard. I feel OK, but feel if I continue I'll fall back down that big black hole. I feel myself teetering on the edge. One minute I feel totally in control, then the next I feel like it's my life and I want to live it the way I want and enjoy drinking with my friends and not be concious of counting the number I have, so as not to get out-of-control, which is so easy to do, then the next minute thinking, no I need to go back to AF, but that was boring. Then no it wasn't I felt pretty good, sleeping well, and no hangovers, that's the best. Why can't I have my cake and eat it too?

I hate being so indecisive, I'd like to know which direction to take with my life. (or what's left of it ...). I'm not looking for help but just getting it of my chest and putting it down and making it real may help.

Thanks for letting me ramble ...

I does feel good to be back here though, I must say ...

[Kitty]

Don't know what I'm doing

Hi Land,

The slips are a nightmare aren't they. I understand how you feel, I was doing really well latley then had a weekend away and like you felt out of place so I drank because the others were. And I haven't really stopped since.

I guess the most important thing is to "never give up giving up" a bit cheezy I know but it sums it all up. I keep trying to moderate but I know deep down that af is the only way for me, maybe for you too. You say you find it boring but is the alternative better?

I'm sure the others will have some good advise for you, and I'm glad you're back. Indecision can be quite crippling at times so maybe try getting a few af days under your belt will help your brain de-mist a bit.

Take care,

Kitty

[hart]

Don't know what I'm doing

Don't believe I've ever posted to you, so let me official say Hello Land. Now that I know you listen..... LET IT GO. Okay, you drank more than you had planned. You didn't feel as bad physically as you had thought. That was two weeks. You will get all those horrible symptoms if you continue to drink and even increase it. They didn't magically disappear, you have just given your body a rest before.

You can get right back on the bandwagon. We are here for you. We all falter, sometimes fall, the best we can do is get up, brush ourselves off, and keep heading down the road. Look for those stumbling blocks and avoid them.

You are doing great, because you came back! So stay and let us encourage you and you encourage others......and, if I have my way, you will even get a snicker or two!:H

[Elizabeth]

Don't know what I'm doing

So many of us in the same boat. The great thing is that when we slip we have a whole family here at MWO waiting to help and encourage us. We all do, or have swung from the rafters in a state of 'I want to be sober,'........ 'Dam it I want fun and to drink.' Slog hard enough at it and we'll find our answers. You have to believe that.

[DidItForMe]

Don't know what I'm doing

Hi LSM:
Glad you are back! I can really relate to what you are saying. I have been having trouble lately deciding where I belong. It's as if my brain can't make up it's mind or something and I feel pretty out of place most of the time. Hopefully it will get better for us both. As Kityy said above, maybe getting some AF days in will make you feel better, help you really remember the good feeling you had when you weren't drinking. Again, it's good to see you back and I hold good thoughts for you!

[julie001]

Don't know what I'm doing

Welcome back, Landsharkman. I was wondering where you had gone. Glad your back. Vent away. Then think about what you need to do get back to the place you were at before vacation. Read lots of posts. Good luck.

Julie

[Popeye]

Don't know what I'm doing

Yep! I know how you feel too.
You just got to get right back up again.
Take care.

[cassy]

Don't know what I'm doing

Hi land i did the same..id did 46 days AF over lent then went to spain for a week(i drank wine each evening but only had more than a few on one night!!!)

The thing is i was annoyed that i so easily slipped into my old ways after AF for so long.

i now realise it will take some time to re process my thoughts about alcohol...i try and remeber a couple of worst scenarios where the booze led me instead of remembering "the good times".

I,ve got a 40 year history of the booze on and off so it will take some re framing.

i take heart when i look at my calendar since Fb when i seriously joined here and am amazed how many AF days i have done compared to pre Xmas when i was boozing most nights!!!

small steps...after my holiday i did some AF time again to get going on this.

I realise the alcohol illusion for me is based on past memories.ie triggers can be old habits...like going on hols with friends, nights out.

i realise on those occasions i am going to have to keep check and maybe defer the decision to drink for 15 mins to "think it over". i know i have to stop at 2-3 wines any more and i have another then get all tired...then comes restless night, dehydration, headaches, no energy, poor skin, low mood etc......what a price to pay.

good luck oon climbing back on the track to meeting your goals...Cassy

[Guest]

Don't know what I'm doing

I am right where you are at right now.. and it's harder to be here I am finding then the drinking. It's the constant going back and forth in your mind; wanting a drink, convincing yourself you don't want one..but still thinking about it, afraid to fail..again. Last night I split a bottle of wine with my husband, and went to bed thinking about another glass.

Glad to see you are back! We are here and can completely relate to your feelings.

GG

[tea]

Don't know what I'm doing

Hiya, yes looks like we all know how you are feeling just now, the 'pull' in both directions does your head in eh. Glad you have come back, hope you find strength to get back to where you were.

Good luck.

L

[mdianeo]

Don't know what I'm doing

Completely understand as that's where I am now. I need to enjoy the AF days rather than looking at it as a day of deprivation. What a trick alcohol does!
Keep on trying. I'll watch for your posts.

[AAthlete]

Don't know what I'm doing

Don't feel too bad - post vacation got me too! The last couple of times it has happened it has always been after something good has happened, not something bad (go figure). However, my mindset all along has been that for me to have a happy and fulfilling life I cannot drink; and my brain is wired to try and convince me otherwise.

Best of luck to you as you search out your feelings. I fear that I'll have to be vigilant against the drinking voice the rest of my life, but it's a battle I'm willing to face and hope that you are too.

[mdianeo]

Don't know what I'm doing

I can relate completely! I need to enjoy the AF days rather than look at them as days of deprivation.
Good luck to you & I'll be watching for your posts.
Di