A little broken...

[briseus]

Just needed to vent a bit here if I may. Almost at thirty days again. And even though it's going well enough there are still some really tough nights. Not so much the actual craving for it as much as there are moments where I want to really forget everything.
I try and rescue animals. Am a big animal rights advocate. Lots of times people email or message me petitions to sign or help out with that are truly cruel and horrific and sometimes I mentally can't handle it.
The anxiety comes on full force at this point too.
These moments is when I want to forget that I am even a human being after seeing what some humans do to animals.

I can't handle it sometimes. It's too heartbreaking. I am trying to avoid it but also feel the need to help. I have to.

What do you guys do when you're faced with heartbreak and difficult times?
I never really dealt with this during my last sober time. I am having a rough go right now with this.
Feeling tired, overwhelmed, broken....but sober.

[Roadside]

Briseus,

First and foremost, you keep at it and make that 30 day mark. Myself, I'm not quite as far along as you time-wise, but I have gotten over the initial headache withdrawals. What I find myself with now is this gripping anxiety, in my chest, an overwhelming urge to 'put it out', the cause of the anxiety varies and is ultimately irrelevant.

About 8 or 9 years ago, I worked in a vet clinic on an army post. We had our own animal control co-located. It blew my mind how these service members and their families would turn in their animals prior to deployment or a move, only to start looking for 'new' pets once deployment was over. I tried so hard to find homes for the perfectly healthy and socialized death-row surrenders. I'd donate my own money, put forth my own money to spay/neuter, raise money in various ways, only to be met with disdain by our lead veterinarian and another seemingly cold-hearted vet tech. The message they ultimately were trying to send is 'don't get too involved, don't care as much'. Well what the hell kind of attitude is that? I also knew one girl that essentially ran a shelter out of her house; 9 or 10 large dogs, crated for most the day, with her routine exercise and feeding schedule; very rigid, but it was her doing her best.
When it comes to animal rights and animal abuse, to save yourself is honestly blinding yourself to a certain degree. Personally, I think the only way planet Earth can heal is through human extinction. We will go extinct someday, unfortunately we will take 90% of the planet's species with us, but Earth is resilient and it will rejuvenate itself. Animal abuse and exploitation is so widespread, it simply doesn't belong on your shoulders. It is crushing you with that terrible tightness in the chest.
My best advice is to find yourself a comfortable position in the matter; do what you can, write your congressmen, sign your petitions, educate your neighbors, don't use poisons or pesticides that could harm wildlife, house as many furries /scalies/ featheries as you can, so long as they have a quality life. Then, let the rest go. Of course, you cannot let the rest 'go' overnight. This will take time, you are changing your thought process gradually from 'there is so much to be done, these situations are treacherous' to 'I wish people weren't so stupid, hmm, I wonder how they were damaged / who damaged them to act so cruelly, but I am doing the best I can do and I am taking every opportunity I can to change these people's thought processes and ultimate actions'.

Good luck to lifting the anxiety for now, I look forward to your 30 day landmark!

[available]

Bris, i feel for you. We cant fix everything and everybody, just ourselves at this stage. This year has been a shite year for me, a close friend has 6-12 months to live, i have a dog on quality care of life, for how long i dont know, my 12 year old dog has been ill and through it all i just figure that "normal" people cope without al so i can too. i do know when my friend dies and my dog dies that i will get through this as i have to for me. I am the most important person in my quit and i will do anything to protect it, even if it means walking away for a bit to get back under control. If i can get through today then i can see what tomorrow brings and sometimes it is the same shit but it has to get better, right?

I was such a giver when i drank, always a pleaser, wanting to make others happy while i was so very very sad myself. Now i still like to please but i now have the guts to say "no". I cant overload myself or i want to drink and we know drinking solves nothing at all. I am a good person and i will always try to help others if i can and if i am strong enough.

In time Bri you will feel differently but protect that quit of yours with your life. you dont want a day 1 again, pull out all your resources and use them and us to lean on. and CHOCOLATE, lots of it and when you want is my advice!

[Lizann]

Ok, so now you guys have me crying! I could never work with animals like that. It breaks my heart. I couldn't even watch Lassie as a kid. I just want to thank you guys for doing what you do/did. Hang in there Bri with the quit. Come here and vent, ok?

[briseus]

Hey guys - I made it through the night...of course I did. It helped to come on here and vent..although sleep was a bit fitful.
Roadside - thanks for sharing your story. I couldn't imagine working so so closely with animals like that...being torn, trying to help them in any way you can and sometimes financially you can't do it or other things come up.
Ava - you are going through a lot...and I am sending prayers your way. I am a giver too...more so when drinking...still am.

I deal with a lot of barbaric cruelty done towards animals...torture, petitions trying to end the dog meat trade (this seems never ending), fur trade, horrific cruelty in the industrialized agriculture world...and of course, dogs, cats...and every other animal under the son that suffers cruelty, abuse and neglect at the hands of selfish and indifferent human beings.
It's hard...because oftentimes I will sit there and try and wrack my brain as to the reason WHY this has to happen...WHY do we do this? WHY is nothing being done? HOW can people say "it's just a dog" ?? "it's just a pig" ?? I can't even...there are days where I feel hopeless...helpless.
I try and sit back and take a different approach...
I'll tell you why sometimes it's a little more difficult for me. I deal with OCD - I have my compulsions, but mostly it's obsessions...sometimes when I hear about something that I wish I could do more of to help...I obsess...I obsess even if there is nothing left for me to do! It's on a continuous loop in my brain - sometimes it WILL NOT LET ME GO.
This is often why I drank before...because when I drank...that obsessive part of my OCD went away.
I guess that is why I am having a hard time....because a) I want to help...all the time...non stop...and b) sometimes I can't pull myself away because my brain is telling me MORE MORE MORE DO MORE IF YOU STOP YOU'RE AS BAD AS THEM!!!
So you're right Roadside...I need to try and take a different approach to this...and it is hard...
This is just one of the things among many that I obsess over...but it's also the one thing I am incredibly passionate about as well...that's what OCD latches onto...to the things you care about most.

This feeling of overwhelming guilt, sadness...sick to my stomach...feeling helpless...gets to you sometimes.

Thank you Lizann as well. I will come and vent....
To be quite honest with you I have been suffering with this since the beginning of my quit...I knew it would do me good to come here and post...and it did. Thanks for listening.
I will make it to 30...
I can't help the animals as much when I am shitfaced all the time. Right?

Day 26 here....
Happy Easter everyone. <3
Bri

[Roadside]

You are correct about not being able to help when you are $*!+£@*€* !

Also, the dinero you spend on AL can be better spent on quality food for your furries. Sometimes I like to think of 'damn, this habit is expensive' although, I cave in sometimes.

Happy Easter, good for making it through the night!

ROadside.

[Guitarista]

Hi Bri,

Great and important work you are involved in. I am finding it is crucial (for me) that I maintain my emotional equilibrium at all costs and above everything else. So I would need to shut myself off from such work until I was stronger and had some solid AF time up, whatever that means for you. I would unsubscribe from the emails and unplug from that world until you are healed and stronger to resume the fight so you'd be more effective and with a clearer head perhaps.

Either way, good job on your AF time. You are raawkin it. G

[scottish lass]

Bri - my heart hurts for you. At some point we have to be satisfied with what we can contribute and rest at that point. None of us will change everything, but we can be comfortable that we are doing out part. I have three rescue cats, I am aware of need and really want a dog (or two) but know that I cannot look after one properly while I work full time, so I do not let myself get one. I take my daughter to volunteer at a shelter 11 miles away where she spends 4 hours every Sunday helping out. I walk dogs every Saturday. It is not as much as is needed, but it is what we can do and I have to be comfortable with that.

Roadside, I was just reading about a service that finds foster homes for service peoples dogs for the duration of their assignment - it seems a great idea and I have only just become aware of it...maybe those sorts of programs need some more exposure? Why on earth do people see pets as temporary situations?

Looking forward to a shout out on your 30 day achievement!

[briseus]

I understand that I need to fiercely protect my quit and it probably is a wise idea for me to step away from it until I am emotionally and mentally stronger to deal with it. Unfortunately that's not going to happen. It's kind of like a double edged sword. It's painful but if I step away from it it's more painful because I feel like there will be that one dog or cat that I could have helped but didn't. Maybe not the best way of looking at things but it's just the way I feel and the emotions go.

But, that being said, I will be more mindful of the amount of exposure I allow myself.
I just was feeling really overwhelmed and sad yesterday.
Today I am feeling lonely.
Tomorrow I might be angry! Who knows with this recovery process. Right? Lol.

Anyways...today was a bit better. Just wanted to share and thanks to everyone that listened to my little vent sesh.

[Roadside]

Roadside, I was just reading about a service that finds foster homes for service peoples dogs for the duration of their assignment - it seems a great idea and I have only just become aware of it...maybe those sorts of programs need some more exposure? Why on earth do people see pets as temporary situations!

Yes, there are programs out there for temporary pet fostering for service members. It is simply the mindset of some, animals are simply, 'animals'. Same mindset when kids fell in love with 101 Dalmations; after that movie (20 years ago if yall can dig back in time), Dalmations were a big hit, parents buying pups for their kids. Dalmations are not good with kids. Period. But that didn't stop the fashion. It is simply a mindset.

Germans are very fond of their pets, particularly dogs. Supposedly Heman dogs can enter markets and cafes with their owners and it is generally expected your dog be well behaved; not that hard when one can spe da considerable amount of time, as they are welcome most public places. Germans do NOT like the way US citizens treat their animals. If you don't come over to your European duty station wih an animal, you will NOT be getting one from Germany. They don't adopt to US citizens

But thanks for the reminder of this program. I have space for one more furry; I generally wait for them to find me, seems to work that way. However, maybe it is meant for me to foster right now.

Look, Bri, you are making animal welfare connections without even knowing it!.

[Roadside]

It is ok to be angry. And anyone you express anger towards must understand this.