Sorry

[MossRose]

Cowboy - I want to say thank you for always being such a great friend. You are really a very nice person, and I'm glad to know you. But I can't accept your congratulatory post about my nine months. I saw it, but I can't acknowledge it. I was doing well. Very well. But I went out last weekend with friends for a fish fry, and at the last minute, I heard myself order a glass of wine. My friends were stunned. But no one dared say a word. I was in quite the mood, so they were probably afraid to say anything. So, they just stared at me. But I did it. I drank it. And to be honest, I'm not all that sorry. I had a very good time. It beats sitting around by myself. This is the last thing I should post on MWO, but it's the truth. And if there's one thing you all know about me - for better or for worse - I tell the truth. This one is unpleasant and I know the backlash will be intense. But that's ok. I deserve it. Because I know I am not thinking correctly. But at this point, I just don't care.

I thought that by getting sober, life would improve. I guess I thought it would improve a lot. But really, nothing has changed, except I spend a lot of time home alone. Not so much fun. Hate on me. That's fine. But I'm at the end of my rope. I've tried it both ways, and I still can't find my way out .

[Rusty]

I wouldn't dream of "hating on you" Mossy. Please don't make this one your last post. I will PM you later. I have always been in your corner and I still am.

[Rags]

Geez Mossy,
You're being pretty hard on yourself over a single glass of wine;
the thing is, you didn't keep on drinking and that's something about which to be to be very happy and proud.
Concentrate your thoughts on your wonderful achievement. .... not drinking for so long, then only having a glass of wine.

Do not allow yourself to build it up out of all proprtion to what it was.

[paulywogg]

Mossy, I appreciate your honesty, we're all human and individuals who have to do what's right for us,any reason why you don't feel happy sober? I know you've struggled with anxiety, I keep hoping mine goes away with time, just don't dissapear,I love reading your posts and having you around here

[NoSugar]

Moss, Please don't delete this thread and please don't leave. Thank you for your honesty. I don't think an online forum can work unless we tell the truth.
Byrdie just posted something from Molly about long term moderation in the NN that I'd encourage you to read before you consider letting that glass of wine become more than a "one-off". I suspect you could drink moderately for awhile but Moss, we knew each other at the beginning, and I know you don't want to go back to the life you were living. Please don't risk all you've gained.
xx, NS

[available]

why would you think people would hate on you MR? There is a lot of fucking cranky people on this site at the moment and that really pisses me off but i personally try to ignore it. i have better things to do with my life than be pissed with people i dont know and publicly put others down.

i am sorry you drank though and i have known you since you started on here up until it was mentioned about your nine months! I have seen a great change in you personally. The greatest gift i have seen sobriety give you is your relationship back with your children. I nearly lost one of mine to my being a drunk and that is why i am now sober. To me al will never ever take from me what i nearly lost.

You have been there for your brother and your parents and i am sure much more 'there" than if you had been drinking. I know i have been fully present for Robert and in the time he has left as much as i want to drown in a vat of wine i will not. i wont kill myself willingly while watching him slowly die of cancer not of his choice.

It takes time MR to really see the effects not drinking gives to us. We can all spruce about how better our lives are but we are emotionally stunted for such a long time in our sobriety and i have found this hardest to deal with. I am still not emotionally "right" and somedays it is hard but mostly i accept what i have. It is a damn side better than the last fucking ten years or my life.

You can do this MR but ultimately it is your choice and your decision only just like it is each and everyones on this site what they do.

Take care

Linda

[Lavande]

Moss, don't be hard on yourself. You have done so well & we are all proud of you!
Only you can know what is right for you. I'm sure we all want to see you stay & continue to grow strong.
Take care :hug:

Lav

[abcowboy]

Moss, you know I'll always have your back! :hug: You truly are a great friend! No need to rush out the door though, what you went through, and are still going through can help many others like me! This place just wouldn't be the same without you!

And it's high time everyone started acting like adults! I refuse to get caught up in the pissing contests going on! That's what the "block this member" feature is all about, and I'm not afraid to say there's a few on my list! We wonder why the site is going downhill, no new members or they don't stick around?? Not hard to figure out! If you disagree with someone, pm them, keep the BS out of the threads! There, my rant for the night....

[Spiritfree]

Hi Moss -thank you for you and this thread.

I too want to be honest about something. This site and other people need YOU. You have brought compassion, caring, and understanding to many members. All that I can say is to please take and give these same gifts to yourself. What makes a site like MWO and this particular area of the site so popular is that we are all in the same boat -together. We each need to receive positive input as well as give it.

Moss, to have made a choice to drink a glass of wine or the whole damn bottle is really not that important. In fact, if you decided the next day to drink more to not feel so bad about ...whatever is irrelevant. The fact remains that if you are alive today, you might just have tomorrow to experience something new and life changing. Moss, in my opinion, there really is no such thing as starting over; instead, there is only experience(s) that we can add to our tomorrows. Just by starting this thread, you have helped untold many and you have probably even helped yourself. Hang in there Moss, we all need each other.

--SF--

[jane27]

Moss,
"Progress not perfection" is an expression I like a lot that I learned in 12 step meetings. Maybe there are things that need changing in your life, and your slip is pointing a finger at it. There was a great Bubble Hour podcast with John Kelley where they talked about relapses that occur on the road to achieving sobriety. You are no less in this thing than you were. What 3 things about your life bother you the most? Think about the return codes on shipping forms- is something lacking, ill fitting, uncomfortable? Use that question and your answer as a flashlight and you will move closer to where you want to be. Picture the life you want. Thanks for your honesty. I think this is an important time for you. Maybe there's an aha! moment right around the corner.
Much love, J

[mama bear]

Mossy - I admire your honesty. Thank you

[techie]

I will use my mantra here Moss: Accept what is; let go of what was; and have faith in what will be. You are very brave and I have the deepest respect for you. Remember that guilt is a wasted emotion. So, get back here as you have important work to do :hug:

[MinStar]

Moss- your honesty is just one beautiful thing about you. Please stay.

[Byrdlady]

Moss,
When you consider that this is a site for alcoholics (or whatever you want to call us), it doesn't come as much of a shock when one of us falls off the wagon. I do know that while your message above says you don't care, my lunch money says you do, or you wouldn't have written at all. WE CARE. Every single one of us knows it is demoralizing to fall and come back and admit it, but you know what else? Just about every single one of us has done it, myself included.

AL is the dam-dest (as we say in the South) opponent I have ever confronted. Please don't let it rob you of one more day of your precious life. Get right back up and keep fighting for this. It's worth it. I've been on both sides of this...the sober side is 1000 times better.

Regret of the past and fear of the future are the twin thieves of the present. Let's get you started again and back in this game of LIFE!! Hugs dear lady, Byrdie

[Resolve]

Hey Moss - I get where you're coming from and appreciate that you posted about it. I understand frustration after achieving time sober that hasn't "fixed" you or your life and that it doesn't feel improved to the extent you want. Our experiences can seem like a paradox in that tackling one of, if not the, biggest issue in our lives by becoming sober doesn't make it all better and provide that complete satisfaction as only each of us can define it. I know for me the underlying issues that I drank to avoid or couldn't deal with are still there. After nearly nine months with all but one day AF, I'm still frustrated with where I'm at in resolving everything in my life but I'm getting there. I know it took time to dismantle certain aspects as methodically as I did, and time is helping to piece it together. But it is a slow roller and some days I want to punch drywall until my knuckles bleed or run like Forrest Gump.

As much as I've wanted to do the same as you, I also have a healthy dose of fear and complete certainty that one drink would be the beginning of a spiral to the very place that has caused all the frustration I'm still working through today. Getting this albatross of our backs is like pushing boulders uphill at times, and to feel you've conquered what contributed to so many problems but then feel dissatisfaction over time that it wasn't the complete cure-all is an exercise in patience. I'm not saying that's your situation, and I hope you keep posting about your thoughts and where you are after this. I've pulled back on writing about me or my issues much anymore for different reasons, but I think you have a voice that can be impactful for you and others with what happens next. What all of this has made me see clearly is that my happiness or quality of life was never realized with alcohol, only masked by it, which rendered me all but incapable of achieving it or contributing to that of others. Heading back down that path is counter to every reason why I came here, so I can't open the door for that potential struggle to start over again. And I don't think that's what you're going for either.

This was a moment that doesn't change all that you've accomplished, so go easy on yourself as you figure out what works for you.