Am I still in denial?

[Eloise]

Just wondering? I keep listening to the Bubble Hour and reading here and thinking "oh, was I so bad?"
Was I? Does it matter?
I am having trouble with the alcoholic label, I still dont want to think of myself with that label.

After one year sober is this how things start to go bad?
I dont want to drink but a bit scared now that I have that big one year hurdle behind me.
Thoughts?

[JackieClaire]

Eloise, forgot to congratulate on your first year AF but I'll leave that for a few minutes while I have a bit of a ramble and then we'll have cake.

Forget the labels............depends on who you're talking to...........on MWO and where I work (at an addiction day programme place).............I'm an alcoholic. Every where else I say I'm a non-drinker.............I never say how long now I just wave my hands about and say vaguely...........oh ages and ages.

You've just passed your first year full of first times...........first birthday, first Christmas, first New Year, first dinner out, first getting in from work and not reaching for a drink, even a wedding or two...........there may be some firsts still to come but you know you can do it.

In this your second year, this is when you'll start to enjoy your alcohol freedom. You're an old hand you'll be able to cope and if things get awkward use the tools you've found in your first year.

If you must have a label...............let it be Eloise...............the non-drinker.:hug:

Now cake............

[Eloise]

Awh, you rock JackieClaire thank you for some much needed perspective.
I am not drinking anymore, that is enough information.
I feel like I was not born an alcoholic, but made myself into one. Every step of the way I knew exactly what I was doing, how I tempted fate and thought I could stop when I decided. Except I wasnt exactly correct, I could and did stop, but it was a lot harder than I ever imagined.
Looking forward to year two Jackie, thanks!

[Byrdlady]

Beautifully said, JC. I totally agree. I think of it more as a diagnosis than a label....after all, why would you take the strong medicine (Abstaining) if you weren't sick? I have moments that I wonder if I was 'that bad' and I'm afraid the answer is yes. AL was ruining my life. An awful lot of this whole experience is 'letting go' of it. Now that I have had some solid time under my belt, I wonder why I was clinging so desperately hard. I know why, I am an AL addict. It was some sort of powerful, too. I'm not the brightest bulb in the socket, but I know enough to realize that AL is something I'm going to need to avoid for the duration....and I am just fine with that. I have accepted its control over me and the best way I know to avoid that is to not drink. Any other decision on the matter is like playing with a loaded gun, so simple enough.

I was having a conversation with Jane just the other day about this, and we spoke of many folks we knew that had fallen after a year's time. That is a real shame. Those neural pathways have formed like the Grand Canyon in our brains and no amount of time is going to change that (in my opinion). Addiction is a lifelong party and we got an invitation! There is no finish line on this one.

I hate to think that I'm an alcoholic, also, but apparently, it really CAN happen to anybody! I admit it freely on here, because this is my private support, but like JC, I do not openly discuss it in real life. It's no one else's business.

There is lots of growing still to come! Acceptance is a wonderful place to be!
Please pass the cake!!! Hugs dear lady, Byrdie

[jane27]

Hi Eloise I regard fear as my friend with regard to staying quit. I never want to forget how badly I felt. My badly might look different than your badly, or Byrdie's, NS's, JC's- that part doesn't matter. When I think of trying to compare myself with other people I see trouble ahead. I know because I did it for years. Anything to find a way to make me not feel uncomfortable about the qty and frequency that I was drinking. And really that's all it boils down to. I could not say I will only have 1 drink 3 times a week or any variation on that. With one sip, AL was in the drivers seat.

It’s funny- there's been a poopload of angry, sobriety bashing going on in recent weeks. (funny because this is a weird place to get angry at people for choosing not to drink). My God, from the tone of some of the posts you'd think this was the darn Salem Witch trials. Here's my humble opinion, why mess around with it? And why does this one l i t t l e , thing that we've all struggled to get a handle on, STILL linger and try to appear like a reasonable option? Because its highly addictive. To some more than others ? definitely perhaps - but folks like you and me that have worked so hard day in and out to get this thing down- I think its a million times safer to say that ship has sailed and we had our share for this lifetime.

Thank you so much for being so brave in sharing your concerns. The expression, "you're only as sick as your secrets"- it couldn't be more true. We have to keep talking and listening to one another. If we're not feeling great or having doubts/concerns, we're so lucky to have one another and can say ' hey pass me a cup of that sober kool aid will you?"

Hang tough El. Xoxo

[Eloise]

We are lucky to have each other Jane.
I do not read the moderation forums as this has led me back to drinking in the past.
Now, I just avoid it and I hope that if someone thinks quitting is stupid they just do not bother with us.
Life is what we make it, and yes... we are only as sick as our secrets... I like that one. I need to get a few things off my chest, so to speak, and I do not have a 3D buddy to talk to so I better get it out here. Somehow when you put your thoughts down in writing it suddenly feels better. Sometimes it even resolves itself. I am doing great and I do need encouragement.
I am not having much luck talking to my husband these days. He sees so many sides of the coin on every topic that the conversation just goes in circles. I don't need to see 100 sides of one coin, or so many different ways to look at a simple problem.
I asked him a simple question a couple of days ago 'so when did you make plans to go to the theater tonight?' ( with his ex-wife by the way) and he completely flipped out. It was drama for the entire morning, he even started to flip on the tears. Huh?
I do not even understand at all. The message for me was clear 'do not ask me what I am doing.' If he brings something up I am to listen, but not offer an opinion. I know enough not to ask about applying for jobs anymore. I was surprised when his cousin asked a while ago. I thought 'oh no, here we go" but he did okay. I couldn't even look at him because I made the mistake of asking if he liked his new contract job and what a terrible mistake that was.

Great, okay. So here I am, not asking any more questions (though this seems like a long term bad plan).
But hey, it is all about how he is feeling. And he is definitely depressed, what am I supposed to do?
So the topic of 'what is your plan' is tabou. Interestingly enough when I ask him when he is going to see his mother the reaction is similar. I really do not think it is asking too much to know, if he has asked me to go along, WHEN are we leaving? What day? What time? Why is this too much to ask? I do not understand.

And so, if I were still drinking I would be entirely frustrated and think 'who cares what I do? doesn't matter at all.'
He told me after I asked him about his plans that he is 'fed up."
Fed up with what? Life?
If I talk to him it's a problem, if I do not it is also a problem. Good grief ladies I do not see how I fit into this picture?

[Eloise]

and by the way, the title of my meditation challenge for today is 'courage.'
Couldn't be more appropriate! I was starting to find this meditation challenge a bit annoying and now very happy I stuck to it.
It does help.

[jane27]

El, you sound thoughtful and measured in the very best way Wishing you a great MAE and thanks again for your openness. xoxo

[Sunbeam]

Eloise, I still don't call myself an alcoholic, and I know that there are many people here who were or are drinking far more than I ever did. But alcohol was a problem, I drank too much too often, so now I chose to not drink. I have my life back, it is the life I want.

[Eloise]

Agreed Sunbeam.
Choosing not to drink is a lot harder than most want to admit. Some people can take it or leave it, I am not one of them.
For me it is not surprising, I remember my mother passed out on the sofa at strange times as a young child. Especially since it was the same sofa we were not allowed to sit on! During certain times the rules entirely changed. I have always thought of my parents are hypocrits. Do as I say, not as I do. They even thought this was a funny slogan to repeat. Clever.
I also remember my dad's theory of "doesn't matter, she will never remember any of this, she is too young.'

I am not blaming anyone, but it does seem rather obvious now what probably started this chronic anxiety. I am doing my best to get a handle on it. I had no idea in the beginning, but I think the horses can help me with this. They are very sensitive and have a true calming effect. And I notice when I am relaxed everything goes better with the grooming.

Found this yesterday, love it!:
“Horses LOVE happy humans and you cannot fake that,” says Linda. “To me, the definition of ‘happiness’ is being content with the present. It’s hard to do anything meaningful in the future if you’re coming from a position of dissatisfaction in the present. Horses can help us learn to cherish every present moment.

[little beagle]

El I have wondered in the past if I was truly an alcoholic. After all I only drank on the weekends, but t b at was because I knew I wouldn't be able to stop. Not until I was sick. So yes I have a problem. This problem was causing major problems in my life.
It's honestly just so much better and easier to not drink. Stupid, poisonous substance in a glass. Who needs that? Life is too wonderful without it.

[jane27]

For me it is not surprising, I remember my mother passed out on the sofa at strange times as a young child. Especially since it was the same sofa we were not allowed to sit on! During certain times the rules entirely changed. I have always thought of my parents are hypocrits. Do as I say, not as I do. They even thought this was a funny slogan to repeat. Clever.
I also remember my dad's theory of "doesn't matter, she will never remember any of this, she is too young.

Eloise, Wow. especially the sofa part. Almost seems like she was trying to contain something using that sofa. - this is mine and only mine. Kind of like an island.
The horse quote reminded me of something I heard during a key note speech a few years ago- that if a pregnant woman is in close proximity with a horse, the horses heartbeat will synchronize with the pregnant woman's. Now I have to Google it and see if it's true. Thanks for your post.

[Samstone]

Just wondering? I keep listening to the Bubble Hour and reading here and thinking "oh, was I so bad?"
Was I? Does it matter?
I am having trouble with the alcoholic label, I still dont want to think of myself with that label.

After one year sober is this how things start to go bad?
I dont want to drink but a bit scared now that I have that big one year hurdle behind me.
Thoughts?

Hmmmm.... labels have a way of confining a person, yet it happens all the time. Perhaps the alternative is that you are a non drinker, a person who chooses not to drink so that you are able to keep your whits about, grow, enjoy things for what they are, clear headed, clear minded, creative, vibrant, embracing life for what it is and reacting to it in a stable manner, expanding your horizons, etc.

Sam

[Eloise]

Yup, hit the nail on the head Sam. I am just so much better off on so many levels by not drinking. I find it bizarre when I occassionally tell people about my decision they reply 'Why? '
It seems so obvious to me.
No more daily inner turmoil, endless doubts... All I can say is I am so grateful I managed to stop.