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**narilly** · June 13, 2015, 08:04 PM

Wow! I didn't know what you meant before when you said you scratched an itch.

Well, SL, if that is what you needed to do then so be it. I hope you don't have trouble with it and start drinking again. We are all different and I really hope this works for you.
I have toyed with the idea of having a drink myself, we probably all have but I know that one is never enough for me and I have no control over it once I drink.

Glad you are still here, you have helped me so much. Please keep coming back.

Have a great night. There is no judgement from me. I know how freaking baffling alcohol is.
Love you.

**jane27** · June 14, 2015, 12:50 AM

SL, I applaud & appreciate your honesty. I'm sure it weighed heavily on you, and I glad you found a way to share it. My heart sank when I read it, but I wasn't surprised based on a post or two. I consider you part of my recovery family, and I hope your path continues to be one that makes you feel happy. I need to fear drinking every day because I know that if I go back to it, it will be a one way street that ends badly. Nothing changes, and no one would throw you off the island. We come to the table from different places and with baggage to match those places. I believe the greatest tie that binds us, that brought us to know one another, was each of us being tired of feeling unhappily buckled into the passenger seat of a car with no driver. I believe there exists the possibility that you can enjoy alcohol in moderation, but I think it's not likely.
Will you stick around and continue to post? I hope so. You're part of what makes my recovery home whole. If you walk away from Loamers I'll definitely be bummed. You are a straight shooter, and I appreciate your friendship. I hope that nothing I've said here offends you or hurts you. Your news makes me feel the smallest bit vulnerable. That's not your fault or even about you- just one of many reminders that alcohol tries very hard to seduce me. I am an addict, bolded, underlined and in all caps. I may make a conscious effort to put in some extra self brainwashing time to make sure I keep myself on the straight and narrow; but I hope our friendship remains & continues to evolve and grow. Sorry for being so speechy. Much love, j

**little beagle** · June 14, 2015, 06:35 AM

Great way to put what the experience feels like Jane.
This is called MY way out SL. The experience is different for each of us. And what we want from it is different for each of us. As long as you are getting out of it what you need then that's what counts.

**Pie** · June 14, 2015, 08:01 AM

HI SL, Happy you're still here, and finding your own way out.

**Guitarista** · June 14, 2015, 09:27 AM

Hi SL.

It can take some of us a long time to work out where we're at with booze. Others can know fairly quickly. We all have a different way out and time frame. For me as it happens, it is abstinence.

If someone is on a path to health and happiness, with or without booze, then I support that 100%. Peace and happiness are the goals. G

**NoSugar** · June 14, 2015, 09:57 AM

Hi, SL

Your post gave me a lot to think about last evening. My knee-jerk response was that scratching an itch always makes it worse. Given that I have chronic hives, I have a lot of experience in this area!! But, what your post actually did was lead me to think about why you made your choice and why I have made a different one. I started a thread about it elsewhere.

I know you did this experiment in a thought-out, rational manner. I hope you found the answers to your questions.

I'm not sure from your post what your exact plans are going forward but no matter what, we are friends and I will always support you in living your best life as I know you do for me.

Much love, NS

**scottish lass** · June 14, 2015, 10:40 AM

Thank you for your comments and responses. I seriously thought about not posting and just carrying on, but lying about this seems pretty asinine!

I have been thinking about what if for a while, and Jane the writing probably was on the wall...

G - I am so much healthier and so very much more aware.

I do not want my side trip to make anyone feel wobbly at all - this had been in my head for a while and it was not going away no matter how much I read! I do not wish to call this a relapse, I am very proud of my 15plus months and I still have them.

I found out I truly like being AF and I was not 100% convinced before. I missed drinking and had not killed the beast. I have found out that I like not drinking more than I like drinking and I am delighted to put it to rest.

Pie, LB and Nar - I am going to stick around. I was a little anxious signing in this morning. Thank you for your words.

As I mentioned, I did not relapse - I came nowhere close to where I had been prior but just put my toe in the water and happily found I did not like the temp and pulled it back out....

**YouKayBee** · June 14, 2015, 11:15 AM

Wow, I'd be too scared that that itch would be worse next time, and that is my experience both with drinking, and also binge-eating.

Well done on being able to be in control.

**caysea** · June 14, 2015, 04:27 PM

Hi Scottish
I do commend you on your honesty in regards to posting about your drinking. It will bring up much discussion which is good for this site. In regards to not calling it a relapse I have to disagree. To me it doesn't really matter what it is called but if you consider the word relapse it to me is referring to an older mind set. I don't view the actual act of having the drink that is usually the last part to starting drinking again as the relapse. The relapse has already started in the mind days maybe even weeks before actually drinking. It is a relapse to our drinking mind set and everything that goes along with that. The rationalizing and BS that we as alcoholics are prone to.
I wish this site had more current information in regards to what we have done to our brain chemistry and what having a drink can do to us physically and mentally. I do know that it is very interesting to look up the relapse percentages depending on the amount of AF time you have. Those that chose to test the waters are really fighting the percentages in there struggle for recovery. Alcoholics which I am one just can't drink. Which in time is no big deal.

Stay Healthy and Keep Fighting
AF. 5-16-08

**scottish lass** · June 14, 2015, 04:57 PM

Fair enough Caysea.
I have been reading a bit and probably trying to rationalize what occurred.

http://alcoholrehab.com/addiction-recovery/the-difference-between-a-slip-and-a-relapse/

It doesn't really matter what it is called to me, it happened and I think it was going to happen as I have thought about it for three months. I am so sad just now, but possibly more resolved.
Reading back on my post last night it doesn't make the sense that I thought I was as writing it. I am not the best writer. I had to be honest and had to write it.
I am struggling with many things in life at present and overthinking way too many things.
I am not back to where I was - not by a very long shot. I have continued to learn. I did not enjoy drinking which was a relief - I did believe that I would enjoy it. There was a point where I felt I would just drink the whole summer - but I have chosen to come clean and stop a week into the summer (school holidays).
Caysea - I am so looking forward to the day "which in time is no big deal" - I do wish it would hurry up though as it is still a big deal for me...

In the article I reference - "Those who belong to a support group should seek assistance right away. If they have a sponsor they can get in contact with this person for advice and support. They should get to a meeting as soon as possible. People do feel embarrassed that they’ve slipped, but it is crucial that they admit to it." - this is my support group and I am here - embarrassed and reaching out for support and advice.....thank you

**Sunbeam** · June 14, 2015, 05:24 PM

There are a lot of roads to alcohol freedom, and we each need to find our own way. I spent a lot of months controlling my alcohol intake, which takes a tremendous amount of effort. Finally I concluded that I was done, done for good, not worth the struggle. Now I am truly free, I hope you are too.

**jane27** · June 14, 2015, 05:36 PM

We love you SL!

**scottish lass** · June 14, 2015, 06:25 PM

True Sunbeam....wise words.
Thank you Jane - think I have to learn to love myself too.....

**Pavati** · June 14, 2015, 11:57 PM

HI, SL!

Yes, we love you.

The only experience I can speak from is my own. For me, and why I count my days sober, why I check in at the Super Sunday Shout Out thread, is that I am afraid one drink, one "back to square zero" drink, and I'd be off to the races. My numbers keep me sober. (Well, my numbers, support, friends, and a lot of other things.) I am an all or nothing kind of person. The scotch I want to have with my dad would lead me to wonder if I could have that bourbon I want to have with my college roommate who I am seeing for the first time in 25 years, or a glass of that special champagne that my uncle bought in France, or a cold beer because it is a hot day...

I'm sorry you're sad, and SO VERY HAPPY that you came back and let us know what happened. I have absolutely no judgement. I am sorry that you drank because I know it isn't good for you, but I'm sorry every time I see anyone drink these days. I have read too much about the poison that alcohol is to want to seen anyone drink it - normie or alcoholic, or anyone in between.

As Jane says, let us know what you need from us. If you could see it coming, and if you are unhappy with the result, maybe reach out earlier next time. We can help you process before you make the decision...

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Pav

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