Please help you guys

[Elizabeth]

I can't bloody well give up. I've done the hypno tapes that have helped me incrediably. I have succeeded in an abs state of life AND learnt to live a life of moderation. I've come home tonight after drinks with friends....yet remained sober. Spoke to my mother by birth on my mobile phone (Dad would freak because he loves me and HATES me getting hurt by her) but she is dying of cancer and the sheer fact of life is that she is a great writer. Her other two daughters are artistic...something that runs in our family...but writing is something that only my maturnal mother and I have in common.., ttwo of the best writer/journalists in East Africa.

I called her on my mobile tonight....I told her about the US and British agents after my book. Said I wanted her to read my edited version or ...well at least read my first book version. My closest friends are furious. They helped me when she went out of her way to be evil, hurt, and tried to distruct me. At that time I never have wanted to speak to her...but now she is dying I have this incrediable need to talk to her.

There is an easy way of solving this problem. I can run to the bush. The bush is my life. Its a place I have always been safe and very happy with.

I don't live a life where you turn to good friends when things trouble you. I have great friends that love me, AND I LOVE THEM TOO, but when I am down I can't talk to them because I am the strong bush baby that they talk to when things go wrong.

I actually thought this morning about getting my knees micro surgery done and doing my last mountain project done and then saying 'kwaheri' (bye in Swahili) to the whole God Dam world. Then I thought about my maturnal mother talking to me on my mobile early last morning about her fantastic adventures (that she can't extend because she is full of cancer) and I thought how selfish I was. She would love to change bodies!

God, whom I believe in totally needs to let me run away in the bush. The bush he introduced me to. I can't handle any more manipulation or hurt.

I am sorry but I am speaking the truth.

[Flip]

Please help you guys

Be true to yourself.

Take care of you.

Look inside and see what it is you REALLY want.

[Ripley]

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Hi Elizabeth

sorry to hear to you in so much turmoil.

not sure I understand. why are people angry that you called your mother? You are an adult. You can call who you like?

no?

RipX

[paula]

Please help you guys

Hi Elizabeth,
I'm also sorry to hear you are so upset, I can understand you calling your mother
as she is so ill.You must do what you think is right, not what other people expect
you to do. Love Paula x

[Kitty]

Please help you guys

Hi Elizabeth,

I have heard you speak before about experiencing different views from those around you.

As Ripley said you are an adult and allowed to do the things in your life that you feel right. Your choices are what make you. Maybe not always the right ones concerning some things (we all know we are able to do that!) but in this case you shouldn't be swayed by others.

I think it's wonderful that you are reaching out to her and you have your own reasons for doing so.

As Flip said "be true to yourself"

Kitty

[rottrod]

Please help you guys

Were you sincere when you said you wanted your mother to edit your book? Or, were you trying to make a dying woman feel good? Only you know the answer to that question. I agree with Flip, as I usually do, you have to be true to yourself. If it is what you wan you have to ask yourself. does your mother have the time left to do it? If so and she is the best, it would be something you would have forever together.

Melissa

[Elizabeth]

Please help you guys

The problem is I am true to myself and I care, and often put friends and people before me. I need to be true to myself, talk to the higher self and actually put my finger up at everyone who can't understand that. I am not talking bullshit...I am talking truth.

[Flip]

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Exactly! STOP putting everyone else first - you come first!! take care of YOUR needs.

[Elizabeth]

Please help you guys

Kitty... yes you are right. I am an adult. I am strong, love my life, wildlife and homeland incrediably. Love writing about the things God graced me with. Love where God placed me. I've got to get strong again... that involves deserting almost everyone I care about. I know that this does not make much sense to you, but I am not being foolish.

[Flip]

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It's not about deserting everyone, it's about putting yourself first!

[Elizabeth]

Please help you guys

Flip for God sake. Life for me has been flying half way across Kenya in my boyfriend's 206 from the Masai Mara (where I lived) to Lamu at the coast. Finding where my older sister was encaged by her heroin mad boyfriend, facing him and telling him that I would kick the shit out of him if he did not release her. Believe me a 5 foot 5 chick can do taht! Carrying my older sister over my shoulder to a friends house and then flying her out in my 206 the following morning. I put her in my & BF's house in Kenya. Marc flew back to the Congo and I gained hours in Kenya flying....and I was good.

Finally decided to give up my camp job in the Masai Mara. Leave the lions I had worked with and with my qualified pilots lisence fly in the Congo. My best friend in Kenya arranged a surprise goodbye party. My BF Marc and I were late because we has champagyne at the house of great friends that were like second parents to me. We did finally get to the Norfolk Hotel to cellebrate with friends. My best, who had ubeknown to me arranged it, had left. Marc my BF was flying the 206 the next day, I was flying the 182, so I refused any alcoholic drinks. I did however ask where my best mate was. To cut a long story short we all left for the sailing club.... older sister in tow. I'm a registered resue diver in Kenya so when we got to the sailing club my diving boss asked me for a dance. Marc my BF was already dancing with someone else, which did'nt bother me. The next second he threw a glass bottle which resulted in my best female friend getting 14 stitches. After sorting out Lynn ( my best friend) at Nairobi Hospital I drowe us home in my V8 landrover. When I got home I screemed at Marc and asked him why he had done that to my friend.

I poured a hot bath for myself and turned round to my BF Marc and said that I was'nt going to fly to the Congo the next day unless he explained his actions. The next minute, whilst I was in the bathroom checking the water he grabbed me from behind, tried to throw me out of our 1st story bedroom, smashed my nose and cracked my skull. What saved me was that I started shouting in Swahili (my natural lingo). The asakaris (night guards) came running and I got loose and wacked Marc with an empty bottle of beer. I shouted to him that if he did not give me the keys to my Landrover he would be in seriuos trouble. Marc turned to my elder sister (whom I'd flown and rescued and placed in my town house and paid all her bills and said nothing to Dad ' and given her a chance to restart) and he said 'Give her the keys to her landrover. Can you believe, Ginny my sister calmly gave me my Landrover keys. I was so shit scared that all I could do was run like hell and get in my car. It was like a bad movie. Tried starting my lamdrover......it would'nt start. Tried again.....cranck...cranck...cranck. Marc was running towards my Landy (landrover) just as it came alive and started. My landrover had always started first time before, but thank God she started just before he reached the vehicle. I scretched out and drove to my best friend Lynn (I mentioned her earlier).

We are in the bush here...so we are not talking about a few miles! Got there and knocked on her door. No answer. I was so dam scared because I knew that Marc was behind me in another car. So I ran around to Lynn's bedroom window and shouted at her to let me in quickly.

We are both bush people but she was shocked when she opened her main door and saw her best friend (me) covered in blood. True to herself she grabbed me and pulled me in, shut the door and asked if I had been in a car accident. I was very distraught but managed to tell her that I had not been in a car accident. Lynn half dragged/carried me to her bathroom. Poured a hot bath and washed the blood off my face. She radio called her BF that was in the bush and he said 'get Coll out into the bush tomorrow morning quickly. Take Coll to Naivasha and hide her till I am back from safari and can sort Marc out.' So we drove to Naivasha the next day with Lynn's German Shepard do in the landrover to protect us. Lynn bought loads of of wine for us to drink. I cried for a lot of the way and drank wine when I was awake. When we got to Naivasha Lynn grabbed the manager (a close friend of mine who was like a brother). I was unconcious and he casrried me to one of the lodge cottages. 3 days later I woke up.

It was like walking on stilts. I was so wobblty. Over a few days I finally gained my strength but I was very scared about life. Eventually I turned round and knew that I had to get on with life. Lynn assured me that I had a home in Nairobi. Meanwhile a friend of mine called Wendy had spoken to my Dad who was in Scotland.

I don't know to this day what she said to my Dad but she sure as hell said something! I was'nt going to tell Dad anything about the incident. I did not want Dad to know what happened. Dad had gone through enough hell with Mum dying of cancer. (Both my older sister by 13 months and I come from a divorced family. Dad remarried a beautiful person who not only brought us but gave us the most beautiul brother as well).

ANYWAY I came back to Nairobi to see my BF living with my sister. Can you imagine? It was'nt a shock to me because Marc had told Gin (my older sister) to give me my landrover keys that dreadful night. Gin had retrieved my landrover keys and then flung them to me when she and Marc realised that the askaris (night guards) heard all the noise and came to help me.. I was terrified..scared out my wits.

Lynn finally said that I had to circulate. She was kali (swahili word for strong ~ in the full sense of the word) Not a person to be messed with. Told me that wherever I went she and my/her circle of friends would be. I finally went for a job interview with the top safari company in Kenya. I wore a pair of sunglasses to hide my black eyes during my interview with Kenya's (then best safari company)...but I got the safari job and I enjoyed 7 years with the company. Lived life negociating with the Masaai for private camps. Had the most exceptional experiences with Kenya's oldest game wardens, who I could keep up with and who told me I had more 'balls' than most blokes (I am not trying to show off) I am naturally a very introvert person. Right now I am very, very scared.

I believe in God. I'm a Kenyan... live the bush. Had an American client who has asked me to please walk her 6 year old daughter down wind, right up to a male elephant. It was wonderful feeling ~ this tiny hand holding mine. The parents beaming when we walked safely back in camp. A 72 year old mother on safari with me, asking me to please show her grown daughter a leopard because that was her last wish even if it took breaking the national park rules and taking her out in the dark of the night so she could see Mother leopard and cubs.

God I am struggling. How can you feel so strongly and do so well in the bush but at the same time want to give everything up. I am so desparetly fucked up.

[chrysa]

Please help you guys

You ask for help bush baby but you don't really want help...you are too smart to ask for that from here...you want confirmation to do what you want...

and you refer often to these CLOSE friends ...well they do not sound that close or really into you if they do not understand your relationship with your birth mother...

you always sound angry. you seem narcissistic & a bit paranoid...several times saying people are manipulating you...do you need professional psychological help ...you are smart..you tell us

and you speak cryptically about hte truth ...for a white author in east africa?? how so??

[Popeye]

Please help you guys

I don't know what to say....
....except that before my mother died, a few years ago, she tried her best to become friends with all her five children again. She was a nasty woman for many years. The two eldest, me and one of my sisters, looked after her, and did becomed friends again. The other three did not. They regret that now and of course it's too late.

[louise]

Please help you guys

Elizabeth, I am fairly new here so do not know your story well enough to give advice or know enough about your culture to know where you might turn for help. But please hang on to hope. Things will get better. I can understand wanting to reconcile things with your mother and to have contact if she is dying, no matter how difficult things have been with her. It sound like you are there often for people. They might be happy to help you as well if you can ask. Sometimes it is so hard to ask, but they may want to help you as much as you help them. Can you talk to your friend Lynn? What would your stepmother tell you to do? I will be thinking of you.

[Elizabeth]

Please help you guys

Chrysa, if I was so God Dam smart I would not be here. I believe I am a good person but I am struggling dam hard right now. I feel desparately about my maturnal/birth mother dying of cancer. It hurts like hell so back off. I also love life, I love all my family wherever they are (and we are global), my country and my way of life. I don't speak cryptically, I speak truthfully and you have picked the wrong person to kick in the guts.