One Step at a time - July 2015

[NoraC]

Oh cool! Thanks Sam! I'm going to check it out.

Love you too Pauly! You are my inspiration.

[Dottie Belle]

Morning all,
Laundry is on my list for today. Date with Dave tomorrow. Our 1 month anniversary...LOL He is taking me to dinner then maybe more fireworks or did we used to call it checkers....;-))
Heart thing is very scary and I hated to be alone. And yesterday should have been my 19th anniversary with hubbs so that didn't help my day at all. Dave offered to come over and let the dogs out for me and take me to the ER if needed. He got extra points for that. Thankfully I didnt need to go.
Relationships are very strange at this age. Jerry doesnt get it on many levels. He claims to "love me" but I think he is in love with the idea of being in love not with me. He is lonely and I get that but not the foundation for a long term relationship. And I am not ready for that either. Still want to have fun and take my dance lessons and enjoy life.
Nora I have done the meditation thing and it is great.
Pauly how are u.
mama when are you going to slow down??
Hello to everyone else.

[blue1]

Morning guys

I'm nursing a hangover....which I don't usually get...but I was drinking homemade sangria...

Trying to make this one of my AF days for the week. There's no AL in the house today unless hubby brings beers home when he gets off from work. I would usually call and ask him to bring something home but I won't today!

You would think having a hangover would keep me from even thinking about AL...but I guess that's why we're here...right?

Have a successful day guys!

[Rusty]

Nora, this post was from Roxanne on the Army Thread. Roxy is always so helpful...along with Satz123 (Satzy), Mollyka, Jackie, Foxy, and a bunch of other people. Thought this might help you, Pauly and any lurkers struggling to be AF: I thought this post from the Army Thread was from Satz...it wasn't...it was from Roxanne, aka "Roxy" and it was in response to KTAB's fighting off the cravings rather than giving in to them...and I thought this was an excellent post.
yep, those cravings are hard. you know it. i realised that, after deciding i didnt want to drink anymore, any needs wants desires i have to or i'll go mad i cant do it times was not me. it was the addiction. it tried a different tack if i managed to surf one type of craving. i also knew it would pass. sometimes it took until i went to bed. but it passed. i paced through them. i played stupid games on the laptop. i walked the legs off dog. i watched tv. i was mindful sometimes and sometimes i played solitaire and all its variations. i ate something. gulped down sparkling water, the bubbles would hurt my throat and give me satisfaction. i now also have a house completely painted. the kitchen was deep cleaned. the garden completely weeded and pruned (i think i killed some plants).

i have now not had a drink for one year and three months today. those sort of craving are long gone. push through them and you will find it so much easier. one day at a time.

[NoraC]

THANK YOU RUSTY!!!!!:hug:

I am trying to venture out of my safe place here on the Steppers thread and reach out. I talked to my therapist on Saturday about it. I think a lot of my problem is that I stop numbing myself and then the old guilt comes out. Things I have done in the past. Things I wish that I hadn't done and things that I wished that I had done. But, I can't change the past - it is what it is. So, I need to fight thru those feelings of worthlessness. I am not a horrible person. I have not always made the best decisions but I am not the worst person in the world.

Thank you all for being here and being so supportive. I know that I seem like a broken record that is never going to get fixed. But, I'm working on it.

[Rusty]

I am trying to venture out of my safe place here on the Steppers thread and reach out. I talked to my therapist on Saturday about it. I think a lot of my problem is that I stop numbing myself and then the old guilt comes out. Things I have done in the past. Things I wish that I hadn't done and things that I wished that I had done.

- Nora, I USED to do that, ALL the time when I was drinking heavily..and the problem is that the drinking CAUSES all that negativity to overwhelm you...I never realized it at the time, but with significant AF time under my belt...I don't do that anymore, and I'm so glad. It was WASTED time that served NO purpose other than to open OLD wounds and keep me trapped in a state of drinking. Did it accomplish anything? NO. More FORWARD with an AF life...one that won't punish you day after day. I already told the Army Thread you were going to pop over and say Hello!:happy2: Tell them how you're feeling. The folks over there amazing!

[paulywogg]

I really think that's what has been bothering me too Nora,it could be a glance at an old picture,a memory of a place, etc,just floods it all back,the guilt,the day before I relapsed we had a wonderful day taking Louie to the park and even then Iwas hhaving so much fun I kept thinking of how many great memories with my own kids I've missed out on,how many Christmases I had to chug a beer before I could watch the kids open their presents,how many birthdays I drank through, performances etc,they say it doesn't bother them but dammit it bothers ME! I wish you and I could go to a spa for a bit and come out brainwashed, in shape,happy, all the things we deserve, bleh

[treetops]

Pauly Pauly Pauly - please let go. You are a good Mumma. I know parents who have never had a drinking problem who are also full of regrets about the time they could have spent with or engaged with their kids. These parents were e.g. devoted to their jobs, travelled all the time, were having affairs, obsessed about housework and spent more time worrying about a tidy house than doing stuff with their kids and so on. And many parents have illnesses and other problems that are partly outside their control.
The important thing is that you are aware of this and you have discussed it with your children. I did the same with my daughter - and she also says thats OK, because she remembers the good bits. You have to forgive yourself and tell yourself that you have an addiction/disorder (I don't want to debate the meaning of this here) and it had you in its grips but now you are dealing and recovering from it.

[Rusty]

Tree-thank you so much for posting here! Pauly, I agree with Tree 100%. I wrote letters to my family members and friends, asking them to forgive me. They HAVE forgiven me...and finally, I have forgiven myself...but it has taken A LOT of work and time. I had a very bad habit of beating myself up for things that happened 20, 30 years ago. I realized that dredging up all my mistakes did nothing but make me sad. I couldn't change it. Tree is right. She's a bright woman. Listen to her.

[mama bear]

Wow. Wise words here today.
Wish I had more to add but I just walked in with a pizza and am going to bed.
I have regrets, but I am naturally an optimistic person and try to make the most of each day without regrets. Perhaps that is my issue....
Love you all

[NoraC]

Really great posts today. Thank you all! Rusty & Tree - you are both spot on. It is time to let it go and get back to living. Not regretting and wishing away things that can't be changed.
Thanks for everything! It has been great to really open up about where I am at the moment and hearing all this wonderful advice.

Pauly - it would be great if we could go to a spa and get brainwashed (or at least massaged )

Off to read my Kindle (and I'll remember what I read )

[Dottie Belle]

Morning everyone,
I have to say that am very grateful for all of you. The last 5 months of my life have been the worst and most challenging times of my life. To be able to come here and vent and cry have kept me sane and sober for sure. Being able to talk about the urges that come with stress and loss has been invaluable. I know we all struggle and having this safe place is what this forum is all about. At least that is the way I see it.
Gym then date tonight. And I am glad you are all along for my crazy dating ride too..

[blue1]

Hi guys!

Well I didn't have an AF day yesterday...but I only had three beers over the course of 4 hours...and was in bed by 10:30...went to sleep but woke up around 2am and tossed and turned for the rest of the night.

When I'm not tipsy when I go to sleep I usually have all these weird dreams...like counting items or putting things in order...then I wake up feeling tired in the morning....last night was no different.

It's been like that for a long time. I use to be on Buspar for anxiety attacks and that would help with the dreams. I'll talk to my doctor about maybe getting back on it. And that was wayyyy before I started drinking everyday.

So I got to get up early in the morning to go to the hospital with my sister....so I probably won't drink anything tonight.

Have a successful day guys!

[NoraC]

Morning all -

Dottie - ((((((((hugs))))))))) I am grateful for you too! Have a wonderful day.

Blue - Hope that everything goes ok today for your sister. I'll be thinking of you.

Got to run but I'll check in later.

HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY EVERYONE!!!!

[Lizann]

At work, my boss is away. So I figured I'd check in here. Haven't read back. My time on the computer is now spent talking to my son. He's doing great. Hope your all doing ok, it's hump day!