Keeping the delusions from winning?

[All done drinking]

How do I keep the delusions from winning?

I have had a history of deluding myself for years. I did not want to give up the fantasy picture of a glass of wine at sunset on the balcony or the glass to “pair” with a quality dinner. I would turn the other cheek the times I drank too much and bargain with myself and God (my higher power) that I would not do that again. I would think…”Please, give me another chance. The next time I WON’T go over my limit” or “I promise, I will NOT go over 3 drinks.” The problem is most of the time I would be ok, but there would be those sporadic times where all Hell broke loose and I’d be drunk, crying, saying I wanted to kill myself, stumbling, slurring, or telling someone off. I would black out and the last episode I had of drinking I passed out after blacking out. I was sneaking hard liquor after the wine was gone. A new one for me. It was beyond ok.

It has taken me a long time to get here…to FINALLY admit that I should no longer drink (for my well being, and the well being of my friends and family). I am lucky in the fact that I am not being forced into this but have had concerned family and friends probably hoping I would come into this decision (on my own) for a long time. You know the saying…”You can lead a horse to water…” I simply wasn’t ready to quit but I am finally past the delusion that everything will be ok if I just have a couple of drinks. I want to be fully present for my family. I have always found that after a couple of drinks I become lazy. 4th of July last year we visited my brother who had a pontoon boat and the plan was to go out on the water to watch the fireworks. After a few drinks I didn’t want to do that anymore and my kids missed a great fireworks display because I was tired and just wanted to go visit my other brother and go to bed. Pathetic!

I need a little help from the oldies that have time under their belts as well as the other newbies who have just started on this road to recovery like me. In the past it has been easy to shake off the “I have to quit” thought after the hangover is gone and a few days have passed. I have done irreparable damage this time as to how I have embarrassed my husband and hurt a good friend with stupid, drunken words. It is time to quit.

Please share advice on how you got or are getting through these first few days when it’s crucial to hold on to the thought that it is time to quit and not getting caught up in the delusion of thinking "I can just have a couple now that the hangover is gone."

I am simply All done Drinking. Yes!

Addy

[NoraC]

Hey Addy - I am with you!!! I am in the same place that you are. I am clinging to the people here that UNDERSTAND! Stick close here - keep posting & reading and posting & reading. That is my problem - I stopped doing that. Now, I am in a bad place again and trying to get back to where I was.
Come & join us over at 'One Step at a Time'. Also, the thread - 'Anyone in the First Week of Their Umpteenth Quit'. Marvelous support there and such great advice!
You & I cannot drink and we need to get that embedded in our brains instead of the 'just one won't hurt' mentality!

[NoSugar]

Hi, Addy

While whatever happened is still fresh in your memory, it might help to write it out in excruciating detail. Write about why you can't let that happen again and even write some notes to your future self who most likely will think she can handle drinking occasionally. Then, if you're ever tempted, go back and read it and follow that advice of the wise woman you are right now.

Another thing that helped me immensely, and continues to do so, is to constantly notice what is better now compared to "then". You can set aside a time of day to do this or you can just have it be background thoughts throughout the day. I always seem to have a narrator going on and on in my head anyway - for the last couple years she's been commenting on how even the littlest thing would have been worse (or less great) if I'd been drinking. After you do that for awhile, the thought of a drink becomes pretty easy to dismiss. At this point, I'm not interested, I'm not jealous of people who can drink "normally", and honestly, it just isn't a problem. You can get there :hug:.

[Byrdlady]

Two great links in my signature line: Newbie's Nest is a great place to start, we have lots of success there, and the Tool Box is loaded with tips and tricks to help you thru the first challenging days. We are so glad you are here, we can help you begin a new life free of this addiction! Stick close! Byrdie

[YouKayBee]

Two great links in my signature line: Newbie's Nest is a great place to start, we have lots of success there, and the Tool Box is loaded with tips and tricks to help you thru the first challenging days. We are so glad you are here, we can help you begin a new life free of this addiction! Stick close! Byrdie

Whatever the addictive behaviour I remind myself that it won't make me feel any better, and that I'll be OK so long as I don't go through with it. Also sleeping or watching videos is always easier than drinking!

[Pie]

Hi Addy, I chose to use Antabuse early on as a quit aid. I didn't trust myself to stay stronger than the "delusional thoughts" that anything about drinking was okay for me, or that I could control or moderate my wine drinking.

I needed the distance from alcohol that taking Antabuse gave me until I could stand on my own two feet. Kind of like using training wheels to learn how to ride a bike. Plenty of people here have gotten and stayed free without meds of any kind, so I'm not saying it is necessary for you, just that it was part of my own way out.

Best,
Pie

[MossRose]

I have done irreparable damage this time to how I have embarrassed my husband and hurt a good friend with stupid, drunken words. It is time to quit.

Hi Addy,
I read your post with great interest. I think it's safe to say that we have all been there, or we wouldn't be here. I think NoSugar made a great suggestion. As painful as it may be, remembering exactly how you felt when you wrote these words is critical to success. I did many shameful things when I was drunk, I too believed that I had caused irreparable damage to my closest relationships. But, I want to assure you that all is not lost. It just seems that way right now. Miraculous things can happen when you get sober. People who love you want to forgive you. I didn't understand that in the beginning. My shame was too great. I couldn't forgive myself, so why should others forgive me? But they did. And I needed to accept it in order to move forward. I needed to allow others to love me. That was hard, but necessary.

It will come in time. For now, be kind to yourself. Sleep, eat, and relax. Stay with us, read everything, and post often. A lovely future is waiting for you. All you need to do is believe it's possible, and take the steps to make it happen. We'll be there every step of the way.

xx, Moss

[Spiritfree]

Hi Addy -thank you for your post. I know that it helps, probably others, and hopefully yourself. Reaching out for help is very difficult me, and is probably true for many sufferers of Alcoholism.

First Addy, I do think that the suggestions your other friends have made about writing down what has happened to cause you to finally know that the alcohol has to go is a great suggestion. You Addy, and most all other alcoholics (AUD) have a very significant problem in the area of memory; it does not take much time for us to forget just how bad our last episode with alcohol was and how it really would be ok to have one or two now.

Addy, what a great post Moss just made regarding forgiveness. Those that know us and really care about us not so concerned about our ridiculous behavior when drunk, they really just want us to get better -to live happy and free. The pain that we cause most of them while we are drinking do not from our words/actions, it comes from THEIR inability to help us and/or know that we have a true BRAIN disorder. The delusions you speak remind of what I call cravings. These so-called cravings can be very powerful at times and over ride any memories or thoughts of the negatives brought to us by alcohol.

Congratulations to you for stepping up to the plate and asking for help. Whatever you do, do not stop trying to rid yourself of alcohol -no matter what.

Peace to you Addy

[Sunbeam]

Along the lines of writing it down, I made a list of reasons for quitting. I focused on my health and other things I would accomplish with my time. I gave this list to my husband, asking fir his support and understanding. I knew it wouldn't be quick and easy, but I was ready to begin the battle.

[Pie]

Addy, another thing that helps me immensely is understating where the delusional thoughts come from and why. There's a particular video that explains the brain changes that happen in addiction. I'll locate it and attempt to post a link for you.

[Pie]

Here's a link to the video, Addy. Dr. Kevin McCauley, keynote speech:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2emgrRoT2c

[All done drinking]

Thank you for the support everyone

Thank you Pie for trying to find that link. Thanks also to Sunbeam for your reply.
:love:Addy

[briseus]

How are you doing Addy?
The first day is always the trickiest. It's like getting up on that mountain and the feeling of being on top after day one reinforces all those feelings of why being sober is really the way to go.
I am a big believer of writing it down so agree with the suggestions of writing it all down. I actually read a book once which asked a bunch of questions on you're drinking. I'm going to look for it and post it on here for you. It may help?
Also reading books on sobriety and recovery really helped to smash those delusions as well. And when you are sober, and you make all those great new memories while being alcohol free then the noise of "glass of wine with dinner or sunset", "beers and bbq on the deck at the cottage" or "fun night out with the girls and martinis" become less and less seductive. Especially when you realize how present you are without those drinks and how you are just able to "drink" life in instead.

Here are those questions, I could only find them in my own journal. Can't remember which book they came from now. Oh wait they come from the AVRT book! If you're interested in that particularly but here are some of the general questions you can ask yourself and write out your own honest opinions in a journal or something.

1. What would my life really be like if I didn't drink or use at all?
2. Is drinking really as important as I have made it seem?
3. What if I quit for good with a big plan and still have big problems?
4. Is there some disease or physical condition that has been compelling me to drink? (this question is up for debate for some people but thought I would add it anyway).
5. Should I get treatment for my addiction?
6. Do I need more support in order to remain sober?
7. Do I really want to change?
8. Do I really want to give up the pleasure of drinking?
9. Have I already gone over the edge, so there's no use in trying?

Just some questions that would allow us to be honest with ourselves. Pen to paper. It might be cathartic too. No, it will be. Sorry if someone posted this elsewhere. Just saw that when people suggested writing I remember doing this in the beginnings of my journey.

Hope it somewhat helps and good luck with everything!!

Bri

[All done drinking]

How are you doing Addy?

Hi Bri,

What a nice post and I really appreciate your time and good ideas. I shared on another thread that I am thinking a lot (too much) of drinking and thinking too much about not drinking. I have immersed myself with books that I had in the past. I had a mindset back then that I could moderate so it's interesting to re-read them knowing that being abstinent is finally the way for me to go and I am certainly gleaning new info that I had missed before.

Others have mentioned the journaling and I've never been good at sitting and writing in a journal but I think it is a good idea. And really asking myself some of those questions you mentioned and being honest with the answers can only help. I find I have been coming here (A LOT) to either read other's post, or share here a lot as it is cathartic and it's providing that busyness that I need right now. I have said in other posts of mine that it is so important to evaluate if the upside of drinking is worth the downside. For me, it finally became very evident that it wasn't. I have also read too often (here and in other books) how starting to believe that one can just have that one little drink after quitting for a while, leads one back to the same problem (or worse). My friend who had quit for 5 years thought she could have a glass of chardonnay with her new husband as she had been sober for so long. She states she really thought she could handle just one and found herself eventually drinking more than she ever had.

I especially liked your statement: Especially when you realize how present you are without those drinks and how you are just able to "drink" life in instead. I have noticed that it is so nice to be fully present for my family. My Uncle called the other day needing medical advice and I was so grateful I wasn't hung over and could carry on an interesting and stimulating conversation. I have found in the past that with a bad hangover I don't even want to TALK and God forbid if a friend or family member called. Also, very nice to not have my teens see me tipsy or out and out drunk, which is a horrible example to them, especially when so many teens experiment with alcohol. Who needs a lush mom for a role model.

Thanks agan Bri. *See* you here.

Addy (All Done Drinking...Yes!)

[briseus]

Hey Addy - I am going to make sure to check out your other threads to see what your thoughts are. I definitely go through old posts...I did this the other day and wasn't proud of it...I know with all my heart that my heart was in it but my brain wasn't. I always said I would do things, and eventually became complacent...now I am confident that my brain has caught up with my heart.
And I totally get how we can fight with ourselves, especially thinking that one drink "won't hurt"...last year I had 8 months sober...and then a slip...it was minor. I had 2 beers...and then nothing for a week or so...and then it came back full force...it took me a few months before I got another 2 months sober...and became complacent, I realize now how much work needs to be put into not only recovery and sobriety but everything else that goes with it...for me it was the underlying issues, the anxiety...my issues with myself..ocd..ya know?
So journaling definitely would be a great idea - or even a blog! Or even answering those questions on here, or typing them up!
And definitely a lot better being present then anything else. I totally get what you mean about those phone calls..or if something came up. I need to be present for those reasons...and pretty much forever more!
So yea, I am totally living proof that the thinking can lead you right back down that path. Because it did for me. I had quite a few slips...but that was part of my journey. I think it's important to keep a positive mind. And YES, read, read read!

PS. That was THE WORST for me. The fighting back and forth...should I drink? Should I not drink? Then I wouldn't buy...and then I would have anxiety because I didn't buy...and then I would go out to buy...and then I would be driving home crying...because I cracked (again!). So I get it. That mental fighting with yourself is absolutely EXHAUSTING. Once you make the decision to stop it's definitely a whole lot better.

I will definitely be *seeing* you around here!
I will check out your other threads now too.

Bri