Dedicated to the quit we love

[little beagle]

I reached a point in my life where I was willing to do anything to quit. I was so sick of my life. Searching for antabuse online, I found a referral for Kudzu, then researching Kudzu I found a referral to MWO. Turns out what I had to do to stop drinking was a lot easier then drinking, in the long run that is.

[All done drinking]

...Then why don’t new members go there and stay for a while? I don’t have the answers, I wish I did!

So my question for discussion is, do you think we can make MWO more attractive to newcomers, and what one thing would you change about MWO if you could. Remember, no attacking any threads or members!! We are all here doing what we can and supporting however we can, no abuse will be tolerated by anyone!

abcowboy,

IMHO life is full of people who for the most part feel the same in one certain area. When new to a situation, it is easy to feel like an outsider and like someone who is on the outside looking in. It's a common statement by folks not only here but on other recovery sites as well. The most important thing MWO can do is to welcome new members (like you did to me when I joined the abstainer threads) on my quit date of 7/16/15. The hard part is, MWO doesn't have paid employees (that I know of) to welcome new members and inform them of how to work the program here. I believe it is the hope that others will give back who have been here a while. Problem is, it is all voluntary and giving back can be very time consuming. Ideally, people should be monitoring the thread where people are brand new and be directed to threads (like the tool box) that have helpful information on how to maneuver around here. For those that are drawn to the concept of moderation as MWO was originially based on that principle, they should be directed to the moderator forum and not necessarily Newbie's Nest. Over the years Newbie's Nest has taken on the role (IMO) of people who are finally ready to surrender and give up the illusion that they can drink and really isn't the thread for those who want to believe that they can control their drinking, despite knowing in their hearts that they have a problem (as they wouldn't be here if they didn't have one). It's more geared toward "Newbies who know they need to quit" so leading folks to the right thread can be vital.

I have changed this part of the post as I certainly didn't mean to offend anyone and some took offense. My point with what I said was just trying to say that newcomers need to feel welcome and sometimes may feel like it's hard to break into the clique of folks who know each other well. Just hoping long time folks who have a comfortable relationship with each other can remember that newbies feel often do feel like they are on the outside looking in and need a little more TLC.

I also agree that there are too many threads and it can all get too scattered of too many places to go to. However, just like finding the right AA meeting, sometimes having a lot of threads to choose from to find one that really resonates with someone can be a good thing so not sure that we can really change that or what would be a good way to streamline it. Maybe just trying to be more aware of the main types of threads that are out there and not reinventing the wheel would be a good thing. For example, it would be frustrating if someone started a new thread with the subject being something that we are discussing here as it would be a redundant thread but don't have the answer on how to prevent that.

Would welcome anyone else's thoughts/input.

Addy

[abcowboy]

The day before my final quit……the most sorrowful day of my life….

I had a pretty good stretch of AF time going, thought maybe I had it all figured out, how to finally get the monkey off my back as my son told me that I had to do. Then a simple text, and the strained relationship between my ex, myself, and our youngest daughter came crashing down on me and I turned to my long time buddy to drown my sorrows…and drown I did, not my sorrows, but myself. I had decided that since I would never be able to beat this disease, I may as well let it beat me, and I decided that I was going to drink myself to death and I almost did. I came as close to drinking myself sober as you can come, if that is possible. I actually drove the ½ hour trip home and did it with what I thought was a clear mind and vision. No one eye closed to keep the minimal amount of lines staring back at me. Stopped off at the liquor store to buy another bottle of rum for the next day, and if that didn’t work, then I’d continue till it did. I didn’t get to drink that bottle of rum, as soon as I got home and in the house, within 15 minutes I had collapsed on the floor and started uncontrollable shaking. Bubba called the ambulance and I was admitted to the hospital in the secure suicide watch wing while I detoxed.

I left the hospital the next day a changed man. I called the local mental health unit and got in that day for a screening, and the next week I was seeing a counsellor. I started praying daily and doing everything my counsellor recommended. I broke all ties with my ex, and most of my ties with my youngest daughter. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s the way it has to be if I have any hope of remaining sober. And sober I will stay because I know that the next drink I pick up will be my last, if I pick up again it will be suicide by alcohol…

[All done drinking]

I reached a point in my life where I was willing to do anything to quit. I was so sick of my life. Searching for antabuse online, I found a referral for Kudzu, then researching Kudzu I found a referral to MWO. Turns out what I had to do to stop drinking was a lot easier then drinking, in the long run that is.

little beagle,

I am just curious if you tried to be abstinent when you found MWO or did Roberta's tale of being able to moderate fool you into thinking that maybe you too could control your drinking? The lady who started Moderation Management eventually realized she could not moderate and went the abstinent route. Unfortunately for her (and the father and daughter she killed) she relapsed and drove a car drunk, and shattered many lives. As I look back, it's hard to believe that I was so fooled into thinking I could control my drinking if I posted, went to the mod forum to report how many drinks I'd had that day, counted drinks when out and white knuckled not having that third one as horrible cravings usually set in once I started drinking. I fought the battle for so long before facing reality. The hard part for me with believing I could moderate is the fact that I could never 100% control my drinking. At least once a month (usually no more than once) I would go over my intended limit and sometimes there would be negative consequences (black outs, embarrassing myself or family) etc. There was finally such peace when I surrendered to the fact that I can not drink. The part that kept me delusional was the other times when I seemed to be able to control my intake. When I also surrendered to the fact that the picture that I painted in my mind of the romance with drinking was an illusion, only then did I "grow a backbone and not a wishbone" as Byrdie so eloquently quoted on a post one time and it resonated with me. When I started to remind myself that if I had one drink I would absolutely want two, and if I had two, I would have to white knuckle to not have three, I now know that drinking controlled me, I did not and could not control it. I've had a signature saying since I've been here at MWO: "Control your destiny or somebody else will" ~Jack Welsh~ I am proud to say that I am now in control, not alcohol.

Thanks for your post little beagle, you got me thinking and remembering. Just glad the delusions have gone away.

Addy :love:

[satz123]

I fear they may go to entirely different online forums as they feel MWO isn't a place where people are focusing on recovery but have become complacent in just being online buds here.

I will not waste too much time here as I am in work - and Molls has said it all.
What focus would you have us do & for how long Addy. There is not much point in berating ourselves day in day out. Move on and learn to live happily sober.
My sobriety is down to observing people with long periods of sobriety getting on with their lives and living them happily & fully - it's what was the turning point for me.
I have actively gone to other threads and INVITED new folks over to the Army to do the same . It works ...

The End
Satz

[All done drinking]

Mollyka,

Yes, I questioned whether I should post that part as this online stuff can be difficult and things can be misunderstood. We can also not backtrack or correct ourselves if someone takes offense to what we are saying. I have edited that part of the post in order to not further upset anyone. I don't believe I have ever posted on the army thread so not sure if it will make you feel any better, but that was not the thread I was referring to. I have lurked there and it looks like a strong thread for long timers. Per abcowboy's suggestion, we were just sharing about how to problem solve to make MWO stronger. A lot of newbies come and go quickly and my point was that part of that may be that they feel uncomfortable with some long timers who have such a comfortable relationship with each other that the newbie may feel it's hard to break into the pack. I just wanted to raise awareness that newbies often do feel like they are on the outside looking in and need a little more TLC. Didn't make to make waves and sorry if I offended you and Satz and whoever else feels the same way. We are all here to help each other in our recovery so certainly don't want to make waves or create additional stress for anyone.

Addy

[KENSHO]

Hi Everyone! Thanks ADDY & Cowboy for the discussion. I have not ventured much beyond the Nest - except when I posted my own journal and thread - so I'm not sure I can comment on that. But I will say that when I first posted my story, the welcome notes I got made me cry - just for the kindness of another soul who understood. It made me want to post. When someone first puts their story out there, it is with breath held, and someone welcoming and directing is powerful.

I will also say that the success of someone visiting depends a great deal on them taking responsibility for their own quit and finding the information they need. We all found our way to the places that have been the most help for us, and have "broken into" the established social settings. But perhaps the best advice I heard and until recently didn't follow enough, is to just read and observe.

Anyway, in terms of your stated purpose for this thread - one thing that has really helped me is to just HAVE FAITH. I'm not talking religious faith, but faith that the people who have made it long term are telling me accurate things and that it WILL get better. Because at first, it all seems to suck and is very hard. But faith that it will become easier and make more sense has gotten me through some very tough times.

[roxane]

people will come and lurk then hopefully post. people will come and lurk then leave. i have only ever see welcome to people who post. it is hard, very hard to join in. its the same for any forum though. im not a joiner-inner as a rule, but i knew i hadto try. for my self. no one would do it for me.

also sometimes, an overwhelming welcome can be scary, like youve been suddenly shoved into the spotlight. so, what is right for one is not right for the other.

[satz123]

I have changed this part of the post as I certainly didn't mean to offend anyone and some took offense. My point with what I said was just trying to say that newcomers need to feel welcome and sometimes may feel like it's hard to break into the clique of folks who know each other well. Just hoping long time folks who have a comfortable relationship with each other can remember that newbies feel often do feel like they are on the outside looking in and need a little more TLC.

Addy

No offence taken Addy
Yes Newbies are on the outside looking in - they read & read until they are ready to take that first step towards their recovery and post on a thread.
We all had to do it - we want to change so much that we will take that leap of faith. You have to want it more than anything.
I joined MWO in 2009- I wasn't ready.
I came back in 2012 - someone found me wandering the boards & steered me to the Army as they were mostly ( but not all) in my time zone.
There was a core group there but instead of thinking of them as a clique I saw it as an opportunity to introduce myself and there was always someone on line in those days..
I posted daily on my iPhone for the first 6 months - I wanted it so much.
Not easy I can tell you - on an Army thread that was very busy at the time

But I did it - and it's the best thing I've ever done

[All done drinking]

I joined MWO in 2009- I wasn't ready.
I came back in 2012 - someone found me wandering the boards & steered me to the Army as they were mostly ( but not all) in my time zone.
There was a core group there but instead of thinking of them as a clique I saw it as an opportunity to introduce myself and there was always someone on line in those days..
I posted daily on my iPhone for the first 6 months - I wanted it so much.
Not easy I can tell you - on an Army thread that was very busy at the time

But I did it - and it's the best thing I've ever done

Thanks for your post Satz123. I think it is real helpful to find the right thread and being I am attending AA meetings as well (only once a week) it is the same as finding the right AA meeting. Some AA meetings are a great fit and others aren't. Same here. I am waiting for my 100 days to join the 100 day thread where there are also serious quitters there. I haven't really been to the army thread much but lurked once (I think) and it looked like strong posters there, serious about their quit.

I struggled so hard with facing the reality that I could not drink. Like you I joined in a long time ago (in 2008). I unfortunately deluded myself with the moderating belief because deep down I didn't really want to quit and I wanted to believe that I could moderate too just like RJ wrote about in her book. I couldn't - and the times that I could control it fed the delusion that I could do it all of the time. So, when I first came here to the AF boards, I struggled to find the right place where strong people committed to their quit could share their journey with me. I also posted daily the first month and probably almost daily this second month. Thanks for your reply and we'll just keep moving onward and upward. Another 24 for me today!

Addy

[Spiritfree]

Here is the entire problem and the possible solution relative to the newcomer (as if I know the answer(s) LOL):

Create a primary section in the main list entitled: "New to this site -Start by posting here:"

When I first found MWO, I was stone cold drunk, in pain, and just looking for some real help. I could not make heads nor tales of the different places to look or post -even the following day when I had somewhat sobered up. Granted, I was searching for medication for alcoholism because I had tried all the other methods for many years -yet I did not feel comfortable posting anything on that part of the site.

For the most part, when a person is scared to death relative to their alcoholism and their ability to communicate with others is limited, they truly do need a place where they can post a thought and not feel that they 'might' be ridiculed'. The place that they jump into can and will not be a place where they feel a membership is already established -and this is not a negative towards anyone or any thread -it is just the way that it is.

I am just glad to see people discussing the issue in a very respectful way.

---sf---

[roxane]

spirit, why dont you suggest that to the admin.

[abcowboy]

It was the coldest winter the country had seen for years, snow lay thick on the ground, high winds and blizzards blew, with the temperature dropping by the hour. Seeking warmth and shelter, the little bird flew into the barn and perched on a high beam. It soon, in the warm atmosphere, became drowsy to such an extent, it lost its grip on the beam and fell to the cobbled floor of the barn. Knocking itself unconscious in the process.

Seeing this, one of the cows, stabled in he barn, wandered over to examine the inert body of the bird lying on the floor. Finding nothing of interest, it turned round, dumped on the bird and wandered back to join the other cows. The heat and warmth now surrounding the bird revived it, to the extent that realizing its predicament. It forced its head above the surface and began to tweet, for help...

The farm cat, asleep on a bale of hay, awoken by the bird's cries, padded over to investigate the source of the tweeting. 'Help me, help me,' tweeted the bird.' 'No problem,' replied the cat, whereupon it scooped the bird out of the pile with its paw. 'Oh, thank you, thank you,' tweeted the bird. 'My pleasure,' replied the cat and promptly ate the bird!

The moral of this story being, not everyone who dumps on you, is your enemy and not everyone who drags you out of the pile, is your friend.

The lesson , in recovery, being that you shouldn't interfere with anothers recovery, nor should you interfere with your own. The consequences of which could be dire, even more so if you do both at the same time. Which in turn suggest that it might be a good idea, to engage your brain before you express your thoughts, however you may do so...

[All done drinking]

[COLOR="#000000"]

Eve 11 so sad you had to change youre name why did you do that???? ( sorry if I sound cynical for give me) The Three Faces of Eve

Eve 11 so sad you had to change youre name why did you do that???? I had so much respect for that name Ok you tried to moderate as Eve 11 since 2008 now you have become All Done Drinking whos desperate to join the abstinence 100 day club ( while you diss Cliques and clubs) ..can you elaborate on your persona change from EVE 11 the queen of moderators to Addy YES queen of abstinence in 62 days supporting lost newbies now you are in total abstinence its weird you previously were Eve /11..multiple personalities movie i watched recently ( sorry if I sound cynical for give me) The Three Faces of Eve

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Three_Faces_of_Eve

Any way enjoy your NEW personality EVE/ADDY
hope you get to join the 100 day club Im sure thats non discrimatory and open for newbies

Reggie,

I have explained the name change and didn't try to hide it to anyone. I quit coming to the site as I wasn't feeling good about my moderating because I kept blowing it once a month. I hadn't posted for many months and then My Way Out moved the site. The day I decided to quit drinking, I was very desperate to get back on and talk to my old friends here but the site wouldn't let me on. It happened to other people as well so it wasn't a one day thing. The only way to get on was to create a new name and being my life had basically changed overnight, it was serendipitous in a way as I was literally and finally all done drinking so that is the name I chose.

As far as "dissing" cliques and clubs, that is your perception Reggie, and I am sorry you want to view things that way. I was merely trying to point out that new people feel just that, new, afraid to post, etc. and sometimes they are afraid to get started as established groups seem (and in many ways) are so bonded that a new person feels it's hard to break into the group. As I was responding to abcowboy's post about the figures of people who join and only post once or twice, it occurred to me that may be one of the reasons and something to think about. I certainly did not try to make any waves and was not even referring to the thread that some folks came to defend. I don't know your name as a poster (haven't seen you on familiar threads) so believe me, I wasn't talking about you.

As for the 100 day club. Yes. I am proud that I have finally seen the light and that a lot of the long term AFers had to put up with Eve11 as a person who really, really believed one could moderate. I think by the time most people find MWO, it's too late. Maybe the 20 year old alcohol abuser can change their ways and grow out of their alcohol abuse stage but for older folks, the writing is probably on the wall. We have a faulty shut off valve, and trying to moderate can't fix that. I also like the fact that the 100 day club is a group of people committed to the quit. You are alluding to the fact that they are discriminating but I am sure if someone posted there who didn't have 100 days in they would be just fine. I think the name is more about what their thread is trying to do. Getting a group of people together who aren't on the fence, abstaining today, drinking tomorrow, etc. but have surrendered to alcohol and want to work together on relapse prevention.

Anyway Reggie everyone has a right to their opinion. I would much prefer you share what we're discussing this week which is what was different about the day we quit drinking, rather than trying to put me into defensive mode. That doesn't help anyone in their recovery process.

Addy

[All done drinking]

Reggie,

My final response to you is everyone in recovery needs to reinvent themselves. And actually, nothing is exhausing at all. I am finally in control of alcohol and not the other way around so things are going pretty well. Take care of you too.

Addy