I kind of can't believe I'm alive.

[Choices]

Hello everyone. I couldn't log in as myself because it had been a long time and I kept messing up my password. Im thinking starting over with a new slate might be a good thing. Im formally the name 'choice'. If anyone remembers me.. Im here because I scared myself I believe strait last night. All be it in the comfort of my own home. I drank 2 bottles of wine and went into a blackout where I proceeded to drink a large bottle of whiskey. I'm in horrible physical pain, really calm and glad to be alive and not in hospital. Today I am concerned about my health and taking care of my family. I'm married and have a three year old daughter. I have no memory of what I did last night. The only part where I came to was where my husband told me I'd been yelling at him for hours. And he held the whisky bottle up and said, sarcastic... Have some more whisky! I told him I didn't drink it. I looked at this almost empty bottle and it scared me to no end how dangerous my drinking has become. Physically, mentally and spiritually. I'm cringing at what my husband told me of my actions. Thank you for listening. Choice

[Guitarista]

Welcome back Choice. Buckle in and keep yourself safe and out of harms way. Going by what I've seen here on these boards and in life over the years, for us, these sorts of drinking situations are likely to get worse rather than better. Much worse in fact.

Glad you posted. Take back your precious life and please don't lose it. Happiness and peace await you.

Wishing you a safe, sober weekend. G

[Choices]

I've poured the rest of the bottle down the sink this morning. My husband took off work to take of my daughter and me. He is scared too about how much I had, and can't believe I could hold a conversation today. He was asleep while I drank all of that. There is no alcohol in the house. He is supportive with me wanting to quit. I was sober for close to 4 years and fell off the wagon around 18 months ago. I am hungover at least 2-3 times a week. I am, excluding last night now an introverted drunk....where as before I was extroverted. So basically I am the only one who knows how bad this has become. I drink while everyone sleep. I'm so tired. I'm not sure how this is going to go. In my last profile I would get a red flag and pop in but it hasn't stuck like it did my first time. I feel ready now. What is scary is all the what ifs.

[available]

Hi Choice and welcome back. That is an amazing amount of sober time you wracked up so you can do it again. I too started to suffer terrible blackouts and what started me getting sober was blacking out at my nieces 21st and falling off a lounge. I was so embarrassed and could not remember a thing before that. The blackouts were becoming more frequent and even after 1 to 1 and a 1/2 bottles it would happen. I was a stay at home drinker by that stage. Hide myself away just to drink, nothing sociable about my drinking, i drank to get drunk.

You know the drill with this and its not easy but it seems like you are nearly at your bottom. I was tired and worn out and anxious and it was such hard work to drink and live, it sucked every bit of energy out of me. The positive is that your hubs is supportive but if you keep drinking what will happen. At the end of the day we have so much to lose by drinking. You dont want that to happen and you realise this.

Take care of yourself and be accountable each and every day. One day at a time is all we can do.

[treetops]

Welcome back Choices. From the sounds of things your body is in shock. It is good that your husband is there to take care of you and your daughter. If you show signs of severe withdrawal he will need to make sure you get medical help.
Secrecy and denial (except we can't always deny to ourselves can we) is a hallmark of alcohol addiction and abuse. And from what I know and have read,this can especially problematic for women who are often balancing many roles and have a family. I also sort of went from being an often-times extroverted life-of-the-party and bonhomie sort of drunk to an introverted one. The hidden aspect increased as I felt more shame and also as my public role in my job increased and also when I became a Mum. Many people had no idea how bad it had got for me in those later years. I did. My partner did too to some extent. My young daughter didn't but as she got older she did notice my drinking.
You say you are scared of the what ifs - I think I know what you mean. But you have so much of your life ahead of you now. A young child and a supportive partner. Thats wonderful but I know it can also be a bind, because what-if, you let them down. Seize all the support you can get (including us guys here at MWO) but ultimately do this quit for yourself. You have done this before - 4years is amazing. I am sure you have lots of sober tricks to draw on. It might help to think about what went wrong and why you started drinking again. And what practical steps and what plan you can make to try to not repeat the past mistakes. learning to be open and not hide so much is really important for us in recovery. But that takes time.
In the meantime take good care of yourself and just get through little bits of time - one hour, one day, and then one week, one month. Check in to the newbies nest or maybe read some of the other threads and post. We are here for you.

[Eloise]

oh my gosh Choices, I do remember you.
Thank you for posting what you are going through. Yesterday positively SUCKED for me, asshole neighbour yelling at a mom coming to me for art with her FOUR children about parking her bike in front of his door. He talks to me like this all the time and I just ignore him. He is big looser asshole, but (Problem) I am afraid of him so I ignore him. Somehow it seems to be working against me.

So, this morning I thought this sober stuff is too hard. Maybe I will go back to my former self. Problem seems we drink more (doesn't seem possible right?) after we quit and then start drinking again.
Starting again = impossible. Have to keep that in my mind.
I got a mindfulness app yesterday and started. Maybe this might help bring you through this first week? Something to calm your mind even if you need something stronger to calm your nerves.
Thank god your husband is supportive, bless him for taking the day off. It ain't gonna be easy girlfriend but you know what to do. Sorry you are dealing with this again. Wishing you a day you can deal with that is not too difficult.

[Choices]

Thank you all for the replies. It is 2am here and I just woke up in physical pain. Yes, the amounts I drank this second time around are shocking. I spoke with my husband later in the evening last night and he told me more of what I'd done the night before. I am just humbled. I can never ever think again I can handle any amount of alcohol. I'm not at all glad this has happened, but there is relief knowing I loved being sober and Its my goal to get there again. I can't even deal with how ashamed I should feel about what I did in a blind alcoholic rage. Because I am still going through withdrawal. Which is so scary. I feel like my head while pounding is in the right mind set to do this again. I don't really have a choice. I will loose him and my daughter if I don't and the thought of what will become of my existence is terrifying. The pressure I'm under in my day to day life is going to be a lot easier to handle without a hangover. My thoughts are all over the place! My chest feels like I've chain smoked 3 packs of cigarettes. I am so weak around alcohol, I hadn't even planned on getting drunk. Honestly every time I do this I feel like it is always an accident. Rock bottom for me is not even knowing I was drinking a liter of whiskey. From the sounds of it I was completely insane.

[Choices]

I'm starting to feel a little better thank heavens. Still in bed. My husband is really taking care of my daughter and I'm so glad he is home. I can't imagine if I'd done this while he was on a business trip. He's really happy I'm going to stop. So that makes me relieved that he doesn't suggest I moderate. He said he'd just be always waiting for it to happen again,, and worry while he is away. Im trying not to feel guilty that I'm not helping out with our girl today, but I'm still really sick. I am so tired. I've been under so much pressure and using alcohol as an escape but it truly has turned against me.

[treetops]

Its great that you are feeling a little better. Just take things slowly and try not to feel consumed by guilt and the what-ifs. Your husband is in there for you and you both have your daughter to care for and love. There is so much to look forward to as she grows up and as you recover. You have done this before and you will do this again. I would think moderation is, as you say, completely off the table. Now is the time to nuture yourself but also be firm with yourself as well.
Keep posting regularly!!

[Eloise]

Glad you are starting to feel better Choices.
Maybe do some journaling these days?

[Choices]

Thank you. I think I'll just post right here when I start to feel that overwhelmed feeling or afraid. I'm still in bed. Missing my daughters first swim class of the term. But there is no way I can be around people. My husband keeps talking with me in small doses, that he can't go through that ever again with me. He is being kind and honest. I've come clean and told him how much I actually been drinking leading up to this. Not that being off the rail isn't a significant amount of time for 18 months... But I do have my life already in place for sobriety from before so I'm hoping I can just open that door and deal with the temptation in the way I use too. I think I did need to hit a bottom to realize this unfortunately. My last bottom was much more filled with anxiety. I didn't know who I was going to be without drinking. This time it's more of who I don't want to be if I continue to drink.

[Guitarista]

Hi Choices,

I am just reflecting on your posts, and also my own experiences and that of many other folks we see here. I think these sorts of situations are really personal blowouts or breakdowns. Not just a night of AL abuse. They are breakdowns mentally, physically, emotionally. We are attempting to shut down, and are using a poisonous mind altering chemical like booze to do it which has it's own brutal side effects. This is not just a situation where someone drank too much one day/night (or for 18mths + etc). I try to look at the reasons behind it, and the why's.

The point I'm aiming for here is that to bounce back from such a devastating experience and assault on ourselves, I reckon we need to be mindful that at this point we are often broken in many ways, and to work out what/where are our gaps in happiness and how to fill them. Once we get ourselves detoxed and sober. This is not to say I think this is where you're at, more a general observation motivated by your experience shared here, and sure has been where I'm at.

Hope you are safe and sound there friend. Hospital or Doc if you're worried. Take care.

[shambles70]

Right there with you Choices. Baby steps, OK? Be excellent to yourself..
I'm coming out on the other side of an evil relapse at the moment, and it really is a case of one foot in front of the other being a massive achievement right now.

And as the lovely Gman says up there, straight to the ER or A&E or GP at the first sign of trouble for you, I think....

Don't sweat it with the what ifs, there will be plenty of time for that shit later. Take care x

[Choices]

I think your absolutely right Guitarista, it was a mental break down for sure that I can feel has been coming for a while now. Alcohol just took me to a level 10 on a danger level. I have been ignoring issues for a while or have been kind of confused about what they actually are to be honest. Lately the pressure has been really unbearable. And I've been just on a hamster wheel. Time seams to be flying and I'm never caught up or where I feel like I need to be. I feel out of touch... Moody and short fused. I'm not as vocal as I use to be about my problems anymore with friends or anyone. Everything has become my secret that I handle alone. It's obviously not working for me that well... But I don't want to talk with people anymore. I don't trust people I use to trust anymore. For good reasons ...but non the less... No safe outlet right now for someone I can confide in. Except my husband, but he works 60 plus hours a week and travels a lot... And he is to be fair exhausted from work. Also, we are a team... And need to be strong all the time... Maybe that need to be strong all the time is part of my problem. Just rambling now but... Yes I agree this wasn't just a bad night of drinking, nor has the 18 months. The first sip I took was on a plane after a terrible visit home. I think my sobriety before was always threatened by intense pressure and stress. An I give up feeling so strong... Not just for drinking... But a desperate feeling of overwhelmed failure.

[shambles70]

Get your man to give you a foot massage. Do deep breathing, progressive relaxation and mindfulness when the anxiety comes. Tensing up and letting go has helped me so much in the last couple of days.