I kind of can't believe I'm alive.

[satz123]

Be careful of the testing if you want a drink.
Take that OFF the table.
If you don't you will be vulnerable when the memory of the last week fades and you feel better & better.
Read back your log here or document it somewhere else the utter horrible feelings of sickness & self-hate you had.
Wipe it out as something you just do not do any more.

[Choices]

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[Choices]

That actually was therapeutic. I had bought some colored pencils but couldn't find them so used DD's crayons. So it's almost 11:30 pm. And I'm feeling calm.. Still watching my chic flick... Yeah so.. I guess I'll be doing one half hour at a time, or hour u till I can get to one day at a time. Thanks satz... I agree with you about not testing... I'll just stay on this log to keep me in check. Feeling better is all I want, but it scares me too.

[shambles70]

I Choices, it's me shambles...we seem to be relapse twins this time round, and somehow that is ...I dunno, not sure there is a word for it. Slightly weird and mirroring, at least for me...weir roaring?

Whatever. How are you doing? If you are still AF, and I fucking hope you are (sorry, it's the language I use, and really, who gives a shit here? If using bad language offends I apologise but it comes out easier this way for me.)

Seven, six, five, four, three, two days of absolute relapse hell. I know from reading your posts that you weren't tapering...if I misunderstood, I apologise, my brain has been absolutely fucked over the last week. I had to taper. Both of us have been through hell, eh?

BUT...

You are getting stronger as am I. I look back to where I was last Weekend and now and I see what massive progress I made. Last weekend after 2 visits to a&e I was pinned down by hospital security, cuffed by police and brought home in a van (dogs and all). Tried again Monday. I was a good boy that time, and spent 12 hours waiting for my blood levels to come down to a level where they could assess me (they wouldn't until my levels were low enough...at the start they were above comatose) sent home again with taper advice (fuck if I had been able to taper I wouldn't have been there) and anyway somehow fuck knows how spent the rest of the week getting in touch with the right services, going every daŷ, trying my best to taper and stabilise, appointments for every day, every day waking up every two hours jumping out of bed, not eating, showering only in shame, permanent vomit bucket by my bed, room like a train wreck, POSTING feeble foggy posts on here but they were the best I could do, no hope, no hope and then somehow, somehow I put the tiny baby step in front of the other and it worked even though I couldnt see where the next foot should go....I was truly fucked, Thursday, Friday, shakes, anxiety and vomiting still there...nothing getting better....looked forward to sleep but only as a respite and even then it began to lose any safety as I knew what would happen when I closed my eyes, but I'd take that over what would happen when I woke up.....

2 hours on, two hours off...I was less than a baby...still tapering...didn't seem to work even though I followed the rules

And then....somehow, this morning....my body sent my mind a message...

No more withdrawals, it's done. My body had won. My soul has returned.

Fuck me this was hard. Harder than the time before, when I nearly died, or the time before that. Fuck.

I really, really wish for you (and I somehow think it is true)

That your self has returned, and your soul has too

Somehow, relapse twin, (and I have no idea how this happened)

You helped this. Thank you xxx

[satz123]

:hug::hug: Shams - you are a strong fecker and no doubt.
Sorry I was unaware of what you were going through last week.
We were just happy to have you back.

You twins should now both post here .....

[Choices]

Good morning Shambles, I'm just doing a quick check in because I'm getting my daughter ready (and myself) to drop her off at school. But yes it does sound like we are twins and please let's share this thread if you would like since we both just survived a scary and dangerous alcoholic crisis. My mind is racing trying to remember all the things I can't forget for this normal school drop off... But I'll check in and properly respond to what you wrote in a bit. For now, the first thing that comes to mind is feel free to be yourself and express yourself. Swearing doesn't offend me! Xxx

[Choices]

Plan for the next few hours:
Make DD lunch
Drop DD off at school
, buy better markers for mandalas coloring book
Bring paperwork to print shop
Go for small bush walk in the neighborhood (that's the only thing I really want to do and wish the rest was already done)

Feeling really tired but more normal. Coffee! Lol

[treetops]

Morning Choices. That sounds like a good plan. I hope you enjoy the bush walk. I too have had to assemble my daughter's lunch and will drop her off at school - and she's 17 years old! But I dont mind as its her last year at school. Then its off to work for me.

One thingI did do in the early months of my quit (I am 3 years sober) was to also read a lot of books and watch DVDs etc about AL addiction, recovery etc. This helped me to remind myself of how bad it got for me and how it is for others. Some of these books are crap and full of self-indulgence - and I tend to skim over the AA stuff - but there are little gems there. I especially liked some of the material written by women. But others say not to go down this absorption into the addiction material as it becomes depressing or a sort of 'recovery porn'. Anyway it helped me and I think Available also read a lot like this too.
I may not be on-line for some time but stay strong and just take it easy. The day will go fast.
PS - as for sleeping - I have always had sleeping issues - sober or not. I try not to fight this but its not always easy. I do know that its much easier to cope with broken sleep when you are sober. And cranky children - although its sounds like you have a lovely wee girl there.
Take care.

[SKendall]

Choices, we are glad to have you back.

Alcohol takes body, mind and soul.

I would like to thank you for sharing because you said you had been internalizing a lot of stress and as alcoholics we do mismanage that part of our lives and that's why forums like this are so important because we can vent anonymously. We used to have a f$%^% thread that was hilarious.

In any event, I hope you stick around and your experience, albeit it a bad one can help so many, so thank you for your courage.

[LauraP]

Thank you for sharing....I'm new here. I was sober for over 2 years and fell off the wagon. After 6 months of drinking again, I was sober for almost 8 months....then fell off again.....then last Christmas I was so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired all the time....drinking alone, and like you, no one really knowing how bad it was, I got down on my knees and ask God to give me that Grace again. He did....and on January 1, 2015 I took my last drink. I've been sober since and have to say, being sober feels so much better then feeling sick, scared, guilty, and ashamed ALL THE TIME....and when I started not remembering things, that's when I knew I was really bad off. So if you want some love and support, first ask God, then know you aren't alone in this. We, who are here, for whatever reason, know the pain you are going through. I'm here for you....feel free to lean on me!

[Choices]

Thanks everyone. Well, I ran into a ton of stress and anxiety with the start of the morning. I jumped into action as I normally do and realize I need to find a new more peaceful way of doing things. I felt frantic and I can see how going like that all day long isn't going to work. I did a lot of deep breathing that helped. But I'm going to need to revamp how I go about my daily tasks for the day. And I messed up a few things re the drop off.. I.e. Forgetting some things that I really shouldn't. But, I'll get there. I wouldn't if I kept drinking. I am really anxious and kinda manic today. I feel like I'm trying to make up for laying in bed for three days. Deep breath.... I'm going back to the list now. Oh, it didn't help that I found a dead mouse in one of DD's shoes! The ones I was quickly grabbing to put on her too. That totally freaked me out! I just put a bucket over it,,, I am such a wimp when it comes to that. I either will or won't deal with that. DH can handle it when he gets home. Life throws us stuff like that sometimes.. Just to keep us on our toes I guess.

[satz123]

THAT would freak anyone out !
What was the dead mouse doing in the shoe? :haha:
Sorry to laugh !

[Choices]

Oh my god, it wasn't even completely dead.. SO gross. I actually just dealt with it by putting cardboard under the bucket at took the whole thing out into the garden after I ran around getting errands done and my bush walk. I'll still need DH to do the dirty work but I can't relax with a half dead mouse in my daughters shoe! It probably smelled like cookies. Lol.. Kinda better her shoe really... Because I could see it. If it had been one of mine!,,I would have put my foot in. How weird though! For a second I thought I was hallucinating..... Lol. The last time I went sober I also found a lot of relief reading others literature about alcohol abuse. I can see why they call it porn.. For sure. But it really helped me. I did get really engrossed with it. But I still think that was ok. It was all new to me then and it helped to feel not alone. I have Apple TV and Netflix which is fabulous. I picked up some better drawing materials. That seamed to help last night and this morning the bush walk was heaven.

[Choices]

Plan until pick up and thoughts about after

Lay in bed
Listen to meditation
Put any meat in the refrigerator into the freezer and buy a pre made dinner for tonight


Hmmm that's all I have right now. Maybe something will come after a little rest

[Choices]

Hitting the witching hour. No wine or any al on the house. Pre made dinner bought. DD didn't have a nap so should go to bed early. I've almost made it. Thoughts are only creeping in of a glass because it has become a habit.. But no craving. Tending to my herb garden while DD watches cartoons. Hubby will be home in 2 hours. Feeling like I can do this