I kind of can't believe I'm alive.

[treetops]

Have you made it through dinner? Thats always hard but you sound strong. Hope your evening is peaceful.

[Choices]

Yeah, made it through dinner. Very tough. And it's hard now. I'm so annoyed and irritable pressure is building.., I don't want to drink but I see why I did. I'm feeling negative. I'm trying my best not to pick a fight with my husband. Ug. At least tomorrow I won't have a hangover. Thinking of how to get through the hours before he goes to bed. Physically I'm feeling much better. I made an appointment for tomorrow to get a beauty treatment done. I just feel so blah. Sorry to be a drag! Sheesh where did my good mood go? The next few hours ... I just don't know. I want to be closer to my husband but he is totally drained from work and is sick so in a bad silent kind of mood. Or maybe he is still mad at me for the other night I really wouldn't know. I've asked but got a short answer. Dinner is always a talking competition it seams. The volume is always loud. Whatever I say to my daughter he repeats like an echo. She only listens to him when he's home and it doesn't really feel like anyone listens to me. If my facial expressions aren't totally happy he seams pissed off. I'm actually not sure how I will Handle this sober, or if I'm annoyed because I'm not taking the edge off and everything seams unbearable. Still good though on the not craving.. Just trying to manage anger I'm feeling and not explode.

[Choices]

Well, looks like I don't have to worry the stonewall has gone to bed. I feel like screaming. Only home for 1.5 hours and goes to bed. Little one isn't going to bed so wants to cuddle up with me. I am missing my wine but not really. I guess I just don't like feeling this way, and wine takes it away and I don't care that I'm actually really lonely. Although, not sure how I could be with such a cutie next to me. Ripping paper in my bed.. But still. Argh.. I think I am in fact riding a craving wave looking for an excuse to go to the store. I wouldn't even know if I have marital issues just a drinking problem for now.. I'm rambling

[Choices]

I'm in for the night so it's totally off the table

[Choices]

So, now everyone is asleep, and I feel better. That is odd... I just had a massive mood swing. And it's only 9:08. I think I'll take a pm again... I really don't feel like going on another swing. And going to bed early should help with coping. So Yay! I made it another day. Very thankful for that.

[available]

It funny Choice how after a few days we just crave a drink. We look for say an argument so we get the "feck its" and go and buy al and blame someone else. We justify why we got that al, always due to someone elses behaviour, never ours. I call it drinking AT people so its not my fault i drank, if you were nicer to me etc then i would not have a need to. We feel angry as we are deprived of our best friend. We know our behaviour was unacceptable but that was then and this is now. We know in our hearts we so want to stop drinking and we need to stop drinking but really cant i control it now, i've learnt my lesson, i wont be that bad again. But we will be that bad again, we cant control our drinking, we have to stop blaming people and accept that we can never drink again. It is so hard to do when the memories fade, well they dont fade exactly but we justify and justify some more. Life wont be better if you drink, your marriage wont be better, your child will miss out on a sober mum. There are no positives to having that first drink, there is no point in blaming others if you do drink, they did not make you drink, you made yourself drink by justifying that you are unhappy and deserve it.

I am grateful each and every day i dont drink. Those first days and weeks were not easy and to read of others struggles makes me more determined that that one drink will never be worth losing the life i have now. You will make it through today and you will make it through tomorrow. You are stronger than you think.

[treetops]

Great response Ava.
Choices I so get what you are saying. Being sober makes us start to notice things in our relationships that we drank through before. Look it will be tough and it's going to take time and work in the relationship. And this is only the start. Just get through each day, each night, each hour at the moment.
If it's any consolation my partner sometimes goes to bed a few hours after he gets home and that's after I have cooked plus I have a very demanding job. I was lonely when I drank and I still get lonely now. But hell is it less messy and far less of a nightmare now that I am sober. I'll talk more in another post but now I have to wind down so I can get my beauty sleep.
Nite nite.

[treetops]

The beauty sleep is a joke. Sleeps not that much of a miracle worker! I won't hope to sleep just yet but I give myself an hour or so to just blob out.

[Choices]

Back again... On the way to get the tynol pm I knocked on his door to see if he was still awake. We don't sleep in the same room because of snoring and sleep being a major commodity with a young child and his work. Anyway, turns out he is really sad about the other night after all. With me in bed for 3 days and him busy with DD he didn't think of it too much but did today away from it all. Whew, I majorly screwed up. I was flat out a mean and nasty drunk to him. Ug, I don't have a leg to stand on. This is hard. More motivation to stay dry. I don't feel angry anymore. If I didn't have this log going at the moment I think I would go insane.

[Choices]

I posted the last one before reading your responses. I couldn't agree more with both of you ladies. Ok... Hopefully sleep comes soon... Fingers crossed

[Guitarista]

Just keep working on your new sober lifestyle and the new you Choices, minute by minute, day by day. I believe from our sobriety, and when we take care of us, good things always flow to all and everything around us. But we must leave the past behind and not look back. Tomorrow is a new day and another opportunity for new beginnings, just like spring. We can take it with both hands. Hope you have a restful night.

[Choices]

Thanks Guitarista,

I fell asleep shortly and woke up feeling good. Here is to another day AF

[treetops]

That's great and here is to another day.

[Choices]

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[Choices]

Really struggling at the moment. Just so uncomfortable in my own skin. My daughter had a temper tantrum on the way to school and again when I just picked her up. This is not normal for her. It's nearly 3:30 in the afternoon and this is when I'd hang on until 5 to have my first glass. I absolutely do not want any wine the thought makes me sick. But I am struggling with these intense emotional mood swings. I haven't felt this crappy since the last time I quit. But what takes it to a whole new level is having people count on me. I never want to drink again. Starting over is rotten. I kept going along thinking it was ok to give myself permission to drink. I had no idea that my bottom would be hurting someone I love so much. I was so sick right after that I couldn't even go there with my thoughts. This morning my daughter asked me why I was so mad at daddy and why was he so sad. She said she still loves me. My kid isn't even 3 yet! It was a kick to the gut realizing she knows something bad has happened and she is affected by it. ODAT. I really can't wait to get through my first week so I can feel proud of something.