Thank you

[doveagain]

Just wanted to say thank you to all who have put themselves out there to try to help me over the years. I feel like an impostor as I only come back here and post a few times when I am at my lowest points. Last time I was here was last New Years time. If I look back at my posting history, this time of year seems to be when things get the worst...or at least when I post the most. Then I guess I get over it and go back to my duel life of responsible worker who tries to act healthy and happy vs. the drunk who does awful things and feels out of control. This year has been very stressful but I also feel I am just making excuses to drink. My marriage has ended, I have friends who left me to stay friends with him, I have moved twice and had two new jobs, my grandma was heading towards the end of her life for a couple months (didn't even know who I was when I was there a couple months ago), and I have had a parent who has been very ill. These are the big things...things that still are not over. And now I have a new relationship on the rocks because I cheated when blacked out. I feel so hopeless right now. I wish that I could stop drinking because I know it is not helping but also just want to drown in alcohol because it makes everything hurt less. I know you will all say this is all a choice and I need to make the choice to quit or not. I am so confused and feel like I am stuck in this life that I don't want but will keep it going because this is the easier way. I called this morning to get an appointment with a doctor and am waiting for a nurse to call me back. I really just want all of this to go away. Again, thanks for the kind words.
Dove

[All done drinking]

Doveagain,

Welcome back. Wanted to share a post that I've posted here before. Read Bluesky's story:

Bluesky's Story

I've been trying to moderate my drinking since my teens, and I'm now in my 40s. I finally came to the realization that, for me, abstinence is the only way, but like you, I have harbored reservations and have given it another try. It never works out for me, but still I don't learn. You see, my memory is selective. I tend to forget how sick I felt each day, the hangovers, the blackouts, the puking, the worrying about how I appeared to other people, the remorse I felt every single morning when I woke up. I was beating myself up and yet I continued. Who does that? Social drinkers don't do that. But alcoholics do.

-- Bluesky

It is hard when we deal with selective memories. Drinking is causing you so much harm but when the hangover goes away and the awful shame and remorse feels bearable again after a day or two, you want to rationalize that it's ok to drink again and forget the harm that comes with that choice. The sad thing is, no-body can make you quit or talk sense into you to quit, only you can do it. The tragedy for some, is it becomes too late or things become SO bad, like loss of jobs, loved ones, etc. that not quitting ends up being the poorest choice they made.

You've been here before so you know about the tool box and the various sites to help you. Read some of our latest posts on Newbie's Nest as there are newbies there who struggle to quit as well as long timers who work hard on avoiding relapse. We're all just one drink away. Heck, it took me 7 years of trying to "control my drinking" before I came to my senses. I am just glad that I kept my marriage intact because things were going downhill the last year. When hubby asked me "How would you like it if you were married to a drunk?" it became real easy all of a sudden to put the brakes on and get off of the merry go round. I wish you luck. We're all here for you.

~Addy

[lizker]

Hi Dove And welcome back. So sorry about all that has happened in your life. Going thru divorce and the other family members issues can be truly overwhelming. Its ok to come here at anytime, no need for guilt because at one point some of us have used this sight for the same reason. Just to share with non judgemental people who actually get what you are going through. Be strong and make a decision to not let alcohol continue to rob you of your joy, peace of mind, freedom, family, money...you get the gist. If you do an honest inventory of your life, I am pretty sure that alcohol may have single handedly or majorly contributed to where you are in life right now. Its never to late to change course.

[YouKayBee]

Does drinking really relieve the stress?

How many of those things you list are a result of drinking?

[doveagain]

Of the things that were a result of the drinking, my ex would say the marriage ending was due to it. On my end, drinking during the marriage, especially the last couple years was a past time to avoid going home early so I didn't get called stupid, crazy, a bitch or get pushed around. So there were years of emotional and physical abuse that pushed me to separate and want to get elsewhere...I chose booze. Even the years where drinking was not an overwhelming part of my life we still got drunk together on my day off. There were many years that we got drunk together often and when I asked, numerous times, to stop having alcohol in the house because I knew I had a problem, I was told, no, there is a right for a spouse to have a drink when getting home, that there was no way we would not have alcohol in the house. The job changing and moving was my choice. I went 4 months earlier this year with no drinking bc I was so busy at work and that comes first in my opinion. Now, I have much more free time and the divorce has gotten ugly...etc, etc. The rest of the things have been not under my control. I have felt like I am going crazy at times...can't remember things, turn things around, can't sleep (even on nights in a row of not drinking)...I seriously have never been like this...in this case drinking is familiar. I always know how alcohol will make me feel in the moment. I never think about how the next day will be...I don't care.

I don't underestimate the part my drinking added to ending the marriage, and how no one wants to be married to a drunk. However, I was living a nightmare of abuse at the same time. I didn't deserve that. No one ever sees what happens behind closed doors and when a spouse is a master of deception to the outside world but changes as soon as the door to the house closes, it is very difficult for anyone to believe. The friends who left me have remained under the deception spell that they have been manipulated to believe. They think I am lying...that those things would never happen...even when I was at their houses, crying, with the bruises to tell the story. I don't deserve to be told over and over how worthless I am, a waste of space, stupid, ridiculous...the names can go on and on. Deep down somewhere, I know I am better than that, no matter what I look like on the outside.

I guess I didn't realize how much stability I had in the marriage...even if it made me feel like shit. At least I still had my friends and dogs and knew what to expect on a daily basis.

[Guitarista]

Physical and emotional abuse is a rough deal and all too common. I think you are doing an amazing job so far Dove to come here and express yourself and obviously want to change your life.

Did your Doc appointment happen?

Take care, G.

[doveagain]

I just saw a counselor for an intake appt. She was really nice. She wants me to see someone who can prescribe medication

[Eloise]

Hi Dove. Welcome back.
Did you make that next appointment?

[Guitarista]

I just saw a counselor for an intake appt. She was really nice. She wants me to see someone who can prescribe medication

There's a start. There should also be some 'psycho-social' support (non medication, social, positive mental health/thinking) available too, which that counsellor will know of which can be of huge benefit.

Good job! :thumbsup:

[doveagain]

Yes, I made another one. Not for two weeks due to the Thanksgiving holiday next week. And yes, she offered me some group counseling and /or counseling with an alcohol and drug specific counselor. My time to go in is limited though as I work all but one week day a week - and they are long work days - 6-6 at least. If there was counseling and group from 8pm to 2am, that would be ideal...as that is my time to drink!

[Eloise]

You can jump on this site during your drinking hours.
Are you starting to cut back your alcohol consumption now?
Two weeks sounds like a long time, how can we help?

[fennel]

Look at the "Shay_Fox's" signature below - this is spam. I'm reporting this post and this user (for whatever good it will do).



-tk

I've been flagging and reporting like crazy. I'm going to go to rock solid shells and complain there. It worked last time.

[fennel]

Huh. No more rock solid shells!

[Samstone]

yeah, I been reporting this person over and over, so far nuttin'

[doveagain]

Hmmmm...well this isn't my only thread to be spammed now. I am remembering now that spam is why I stopped coming to and posting on this site earlier this year. I truly had forgotten. Anyway....

Anyway, I am doing ok. Working this week and weekend and work time is not when I have a problem with drinking bc I end up being on call a lot so can't drink during that time. My free time is the issue, especially when it is multiple days in a row. I can't find a doctor to prescribe any meds just yet bc my insurance is so tight on which doctors I can go to...I was told I can have an appointment in June...great, thanks. Anyway, I just ate fried chicken tenders for dinner and should have chosen something way more healthy bc I need to lose at least 30 lbs, but I didn't. I really need to eat more healthy but really like shitty food!!! I can't decide what to do for Thanksgiving. I could 'run' a 5K in the am...I might die. I could sit at home alone and watch the parade and drink coffee...I love parades. I could drink Weds night at home or out with friends and sleep in Thursday morning...and probably spend Thursday hungover, wishing for Friday. I could go to the only place I have been invited for dinner where I only know the host and assume that it will turn into a shit-show of drunkenness...so, truly, I really don't want to go, although I could make new friends. I really like the idea of spending the days alone...I envision myself smiling and sweeping around my house doing all sorts of things (like what , I don't really know, just things, you know?)...but know myself and know that I am very, very bad at being alone and would probably end up crying on my couch until early afternoon when I would start drinking and be hungover on Friday...maybe make a few regretful drunk phone calls and/or texts and/or facebook messages and/or emails. I have never had no where to be on Thanksgiving.