The Three Principles Discussion Thread

[kuya]

Kuya, that is exactly what I needed to read in this moment..
it totally makes sense and I do notice a difference in how I'm relating to my kids, friends and people at work.. but it is SO much more difficult in a romantic relationship. I just haven't got it yet. I get glimpses of, "ah, yeah, this is what it's about".. but more than that I'm thinking, "damn, this is work.. good work, but nonetheless, work".

I'll have to look for that book..

I really recommend it, short and common sense like much of 3Ps.

The problems we find in romantic relationships is because we hold a delusion that our partner holds the key to OUR happiness we feel we have a 'need' and actually a 'right' to change things we find upsetting.

But what was the very first thing we understood ? Our feelings do not come from others!

Therefore we can allow our romantic partners the same love and respect as our friends and family. We can allow them to simply 'Be'.

And what a relief... they can allow US to simply 'be' too.

[little beagle]

I am trying to change so hard. The way I've been relating to hubby and his addiction has turned him against me. I see that now. But it's just so hard. Since learning about the 3PS my whole attitude has shifted. Is it too late for my marriage? We will see. But it's not too late for me and my other relationships.

[kuya]

I am trying to change so hard. The way I've been relating to hubby and his addiction has turned him against me. I see that now. But it's just so hard. Since learning about the 3PS my whole attitude has shifted. Is it too late for my marriage? We will see. But it's not too late for me and my other relationships.

It is NEVER too late, for you and your husband, for you and your other relationships.

Your husband's addiction belongs to him, as your alcoholism belonged to you. Obviously you would like him to be free of it, to be whole. You have shown him that sobriety is possible but if he feels criticised he will resist....that is human nature.

I am sure that MOST of him is still the man you love, remain in love with that and remove yourself from the other, stoned man. Tell him that you love him and don't want to argue over his addiction any more, that it is HIS body, HIS choice (and realise this is actually true).

Unless his addiction puts you at risk in some way let him just be the man you love whenever you can.

I read elsewhere that he is saying he no longer loves you, but that is probably just anger. I am confident you both still have very strong feelings for each other, you have been together with the same issues since I joined.....now THAT is commitment!

[little beagle]

Thank you Kuya. It's a rough go right now. But I'm hanging in there.

[starty]

How many times do we focus on our issues day in day out and remain stuck ? Although sometimes it is so very hard not to think about our problems, actually doing that is often the best solution

Where Problems Come From – Supercoach 365

[kuya]

How many times do we focus on our issues day in day out and remain stuck ? Although sometimes it is so very hard not to think about our problems, actually doing that is often the best solution

Where Problems Come From – Supercoach 365

I LOVE Michael Neill!

Within the 3Ps community some think he is brash and commercial but I absolutely, 100% like this man.

I like him BECAUSE he comes from a back ground of commercialism, and whilst he is still a great marketer he is so very sincere about the 3Ps discovery he has found.

He is like a child in a sweet shop.....adorable.

Before 3Ps I was a worrier. I woke up fine then within ten minutes I had found SOMETHING to be anxious/depressed/worried about. The day was a constant battle to 'get through' my anxiety/depression/worry.

It was a bit better when I quit drinking.....but only a bit.

Since 3Ps I still do EXACTLY the same!

The difference is I find myself hilarious and instead of BEING anxiety/depression/worry I am a happy person who watches that other goof and wonders how I let her run my show for so long!

[little beagle]

Michael Neill is relaxing.

[kuya]

I am somewhat amused to see ANOTHER tag added ....

Here's the thing. If it WAS an ego trip for me then putting a reference to ME in the tag line would simply appeal to my ego, wouldn't it?

And if it took an ego trip to bring 3Ps here to MWO ....... Then all good I would say. If it helps a handful of people I am happy.


Edit:
The new tag read 'kuya's ego trip'

It has been deleted since I wrote this post.

3Ps simply points out that we are all creating our own realities. In the reality of that poster, (even though they know nothing really about me) they have 'created' me and deemed me worthy of attacking.

Understanding that it is all delusional makes it all rather neutral. I can waste my time IMAGINING their reasoning or simply smile and walk on by.

[kuya]

I realise that 3Ps has changed my perceptions forever.

It used to be that I could read a post on here and imagine myself in the poster's situation then make suggestions as to their best course of action.

Now I realise that there is far too little information from a post and, in any event, the answer lies in THEIR OWN wisdom!

The best advice I can now give anyone is to

1. Realise that EVERYTHING you feel, 100%, NO exceptions, is coming from INSIDE you, from your OWN thinking. NONE of it is coming from outside or from the behaviour of anyone else.

2. You have created, and are creating, your own reality. How you drink, how you feel about your life and people in your life was completely created IN YOUR HEAD.

3. Your reliance on alcohol/drugs is delusional, since they do NOT change how you feel ---- you simply BELIEVE they do ! (a hangover IS real though! LOL)

4. Mental health, freedom from drug abuse is always ONLY ONE THOUGHT AWAY.....once you allow yourself to quieten your mind.

[NoSugar]

3. Your reliance on alcohol/drugs is delusional, since they do NOT change how you feel ---- you simply BELIEVE they do !

We've been talking about this in a way on the GLOAMERS thread. It seems like drinking does change us- makes us feel carefree, funnier, sexier, and more spontaneous. But the fact is, alcohol cannot create - it is just a quick and easy way to reveal what is already in us. It's our thinking about ourselves and our circumstances that make us worried, serious, and inhibited.

[kuya]

We've been talking about this in a way on the GLOAMERS thread. It seems like drinking does change us- makes us feel carefree, funnier, sexier, and more spontaneous. But the fact is, alcohol cannot create - it is just a quick and easy way to reveal what is already in us. It's our thinking about ourselves and our circumstances that make us worried, serious, and inhibited.

Children aren't naturally inhibited....which is why they speak the truth, dance and cry at the drop of a hat!

We LEARN to be inhibited by our thoughts, by our parents and peers. Then we learn that 'society' allows us to be dis inhibited by alcohol. It is an innocent misunderstanding.

Scandinavians do not have this particular social delusion about alcohol....they do not disinhibit and behave wildly when drunk, but become introspective and more morose.

So it is NOT the 'effect' of alcohol but the effect of thought.

We all, naturally, want to get 'down and dirty' but we women are told only 'whores and sluts' do that. Little wonder so many think they need alcohol to have fun with sex.

[NoSugar]

We LEARN to be inhibited by our thoughts, by our parents and peers. Then we learn that 'society' allows us to be dis inhibited by alcohol.

And that allows us not to take responsibilty for our actions - "I was drunk" is actually seen as a legitimate excuse if the "crime" isn't too horrendous. No wonder drinking to excess is so popular.

We saw the movie Bridge of Spies last week (highly recommend). The captured Russian spy is always calm - during his capture, trial, and extradition. Tom Hanks' character just can't believe it and keeps asking him, "Aren't you worried??" and the response is always "Would it help?". He seems to know there's nothing to be gained from that type of thinking. And in fact, there's a lot to be lost because it is so much less likely that a worried, upset person will see solutions.

I tend to worry, not only about things that are happening but about those that someday might. Ever since I saw the movie, a little voice in my head has asked "Is this helping??". And of course the answer always is NO - a good reminder not to engage in pointless, upsetting thinking.

[NoSugar]

How Your Brain Creates Your Reality - The Best Brain Possible
interesting article and website - similar but not identical to 3Ps.

[kuya]

I have had a roller coaster week emotionally and it has been interesting watching what thoughts my mind threw up, but also what it didnt.

I havent wanted to cry over my mother's death until today when choosing music for her cremation service. Finding the positive and the connection made me sad. But realising I was choosing to feel it made it absolutely fine!

[NoSugar]

You were so fortunate to have come to understand the 3Ps before this experience, Kuya. I hope your peaceful feelings remain during the days ahead. Safe travels. xx

I came across a book and website by a woman who works with people with addictions (and undesired habits in general). So far I've been very impressed by what I've read. I wish I had been exposed to this years ago - this understanding would make letting an addiction go so much easier.

The Top 10 Big Ideas.

It’s Not You, It’s Your Brain
You are much more than your brain, just like you’re much more than your finger. If your finger became injured, you wouldn’t take it personally. It wouldn’t reflect on you as an individual; it wouldn’t say anything about your character.
You wouldn’t need to explore your past or dive into your emotions in order for your finger to heal.
And you don’t need to do those things in order for your habit or addiction to end. Your brain is addicted or habituated, period. “You” are just experiencing the effects of being a human being with a brain. Your brain can change without “you” needing to.

2. Part of Your Brain that Represents Your Habit Can’t Possibly Act on Your Habit
To totally and completely oversimplify things, assume your brain consists of two primary parts: the Lower and the Higher Brain.
Your habit is primarily associated with your Lower Brain. The Lower Brain is the slower, older, more habitual and pattern-sensitive part of the brain. The Lower Brain is non-thinking and it loves routine and consistency. When the Lower Brain picks up on a pattern, it fights to hold on to it. The Lower Brain is responsible for producing urges that keep your habit alive.
The Higher Brain is the thinking, rational, decision making part of the brain (remember we’re generalizing for simplicity here, big time). It calls the shots. It also coordinates all of your voluntary muscle movements, so if the Higher Brain isn’t on board with some action or behavior, it ain’t happening.
Do you see it? That means that your Lower Brain strives for routine and does what it can to keep your habit alive, but if you (via your Higher Brain) don’t make the decision to act on those urges, your habit discontinues.

3. Your habit is alive only because you act on urges. Don’t act on urges.
The Lower Brain produces urges (also known as drives or cravings) for your habit. That’s the best way it knows the keep your habit alive. It might send out a strong urge for a drink, for example. That urge is uncomfortable, producing tension and emotion. You’d do pretty much anything to make it go away.
Most likely, the fastest, easiest way you know to make your urge go away is to obey the urge and drink. You make that decision, via your Higher Brain. The urge alone can’t possibly hurt you, but you don’t always realize that. When you do realize that, you suddenly have another choice.

4. Urges fade
Urges can feel horrible; no one is denying that. But they are also temporary. When you feel your urge and decide to not give into it, it begins to fade and retreat.
So there is another way to make an urge go away (other than obeying it): do nothing and let it fade on its own.

5. Willpower is the wrong tool
An urge is a thought and all thoughts fade in time.
Willpower is using new thought to overpower old thought. It’s when you meet an old thought (e.g., “I sure could go for a drink”) with a new thought, hoping to squash the old one (e.g., “No! You will not have a drink! You are stronger than that!”)
Using new thought to overpower old thought gets you in a thought tug-of-war, where old thoughts are showered with attention. Attention actually makes them grow, not weaken.
Rather than trying to think yourself out of your old thoughts, let those old thoughts fade. Don’t focus on them in order to overpower them—remove your focus and let them take care of themselves. It’s much easier that way.

6. Triggers and circumstances don’t matter.
You’ve probably considered the things that appear to trigger your habit.
There are a couple problems with focusing on external triggers. The first problem is that triggers are inconsistent. Looking for triggers can be like playing a game of whack-a-mole—just when you think you found one, another one pops up. You are more likely to fall into your habit when you’re stressed…except for that one time you did it feeling calm. Or it gets worse at night…except last week when it was horrible in the morning. Trying to predict when urges will strike based on external triggers leaves you feeling like a powerless victim of circumstance, not to mention completely confused.
The second issue is that triggers ultimately don’t matter. Maybe that should have been the first issue. What matters is not what creates urges; the origin of urges may always be somewhat of a mystery. All that matters is whether you obey your urges or not. The sole reason you have a habit is because you obeying urges.

7. It may take practice
It is truly incredible that the human brain can change.
And yet, brains are remarkably efficient and they don’t necessarily like to change. If your habit or addiction has been around for a while, chances are good that thoughts and urges about it won’t go away overnight.
They can, however, lose their perceived power overnight. It doesn’t even take that long, actually—it can happen in an instant. When you begin to see that urges are created by the Lower Brain but the Lower Brain is powerless to act on them…and when you begin to see that urges fade when you don’t obey them…your habit doesn’t look so powerful anymore.

8. The truth about setbacks
Setbacks feel like a big deal. But they aren’t.
Peek up at Big Idea #7, and consider the fact that your brain is very used to your habit or addiction. There will most likely be setbacks. They are meaningless in and of themselves.
Yes, meaningless. The only way a setback can hurt you or actually set you back, is if you decide it is meaningful and you use it as an excuse to spiral downward.
When you see that setbacks are simply part of the process, you’re not set back at all.

9. It is much simpler than you might think
As you’ve seen, the only reason your habit is alive today is because you obey the urges your Lower Brain produces. Once you see that you can experience an urge and you don’t have to give into it…that it will fade on its own if you do nothing…it is much easier to stop acting on your urges so much.
That’s all it ever takes to end any habit or addiction. Your habit is not “you” and it is not personal. It is simply your brain doing what it does.
You do not need to identify triggers or change anything about yourself. You don’t need to go to therapy or work out your deeper emotional issues. None of that is what keeps your habit alive.
All you ever have to do is see the simplicity in it all and let your Lower Brain urges fade without giving into them. The rest will be history.

10. Sustainable change
The best news about this approach is that the change is deep and sustainable.
When you see the truth about urges, nothing else matters. Anything can happen. You can have urges. You can even have strong urges. You will know what they are and what to do (i.e., nothing). They will fade and you’ll be back on the path, changing your brain for good.