~cattleman cafe~ & another 24...

[abcowboy]

“Every difficulty in life presents us with an opportunity to turn inward and to invoke our own submerged inner resources. The trials we endure can and should introduce us to our strengths.”

6:35am in Alberta, I'm in for another 24 please, and thanks...

In the past 24 hours, these people have signed in for 24 hours of sobriety:
[MENTION=17650]paulywogg[/MENTION] [MENTION=17632]Mr Vervill[/MENTION] [MENTION=7944]dill[/MENTION] [MENTION=7944]dill[/MENTION] [MENTION=15430]lifechange[/MENTION] abcowboy

I'm really enjoying all the posts here! When we share our troubles and triumphs it not only gives us a chance to get it off our minds, but I'm also sure it helps others! Thanks y'all for being here and sharing!

[dill]

Re: ~cattleman cafe~ & another 24...

Muggy with a threat of storms here.

24 more for me, please!

[Wildflowers]

Re: ~cattleman cafe~ & another 24...

[MENTION=16893]Wildflowers[/MENTION], thank you for your ramble and for your prayers. I think the nub of the matter for me is "never". I have never yet been able to say never again to alcohol. I have not managed to close that door all the way. And as we all know, as long as there is a crack in the defenses, al will surely find it. In my life here I have some major ongoing troubles that are not in my control. I am at the mercy of choices that others make that can leave me picking up the pieces, holding the bag, dealing with overwhelming grief, whatever. That is a constant struggle for me and every now and then I think it over whelms me. This is what life is like for family members of addicts in recovery. And then I always fool myself into the "this time will be different" loop. So, that's it basically for me. I'll keep getting back on course because I want to live a good and healthy life and I know that is not possible if I go backwards. But you know, being an alcoholic gives me a front and center seat into the mind of an addict and I know full well the battle that must be fought and won each day. There is so much more I could say about all of this, but I will leave it there.

I also ask for the grace to change the things I can and to have another 24.

I honestly desire another 24 hours of no poisonous/ethanol. I had a long post yesterday using my gremlin tablet. Submitted. No bueno. Lap top won't turn on again. MacBook hopefully arrives today. Thankful, for this old desk top. Older things sometimes last longer. Tho, slow slow.

[MENTION=7944]dill[/MENTION] if the notion of never is playing negatively in your mind, maybe living in this 24 hours will help. I do understand about leaving a crack open. Depending on your perspective. To often I've allowed myself to live in analysis paralysis. Think many people have been duped into this habit of thinking. I ask myself how many more facts and experiences do I need to put this never drink again to bed. Wished I could send my thoughts into space and thrust them into a black whole. Ridding me of this plague.

Instead I'm just not going to say never. It's to final, or is it. Working daily on changing my perspectives. The timing will never be perfect for me to say never again to this life sucking venomous poison. It really is poison to an alcoholic.

My ego, which is nothing but fear and pride. It tries to convince me I won't be safe if I say never again. This crutch like thinking, is just another ploy that works very hard to convince me alcohol still has something positive to offer me. Panicking because I don't embrace change, cause I don't cope well with grief, pain, depression. I must learn to not let my ego deceive me. When it tries to convince me of all this hogwash that alcohol will make me feel better. It will help me cope. It's all a lie! It tells me I'm not good enough, it tells me I'm not capable, it tells me I may lose my home, it tells me people don't care, it tells me my spouse and kids don't really love me. Well I may lose my life.

I use to have an AA sponsor who told me you get five minutes to think all this crap and complain. Then you better get your arse into action and change those/these thoughts. I raised our girls this way. They both are positive people. Tell me they learned all this from me. That I'm capable of thinking more positive. I think well, they haven't had the same life experiences as me. True. So how do I overcome my own self. Be who I was met to be. Even at my age. How do I stay out of other peoples heads? Let go and let God. I recently wanted to tell my daughter again that her ND once again ordered the wrong labs. This time I let go and let God. Cause I need my sanity. She's a big girl and will have to figure it out herself. Practicing not being in control, feeling helpless in other peoples lives. Is helping to save my sanity.

Besides being familiar with triggers and how to handle them. Cause I surely, haven't found a way to say never either. My gut tells me don't drink, my head and heart tell me don't drink. You have a good idea what will happen. Push the thoughts out. Separate myself from my lizard brain. The addictive voice. Go ahead drink, knowing something bad might happen and I don't care. Have I been so hurt in life that I've given up? Is this really truly how I want to live out what ever time I have left? No. And I mean hell NO!...

Most of us have experienced major on going troubles and pain that are not in our control. I've been at the mercies of other peoples choices. Left with overwhelming grief, anger, fear (which is the opposite of love). Adding physical diseases into the mix makes it harder to do the next right thing. Or does it have to be this way? Am I going to give into my egos "Hail Mary" ? Or am I going to choose a new behavior. If I don't take action when this nagging voice besieges me with overwhelming thoughts and feelings, I will continue to wander in the desert.

Living in grace, trusting in all circumstances that I will be given divine strength to endure. That he will walk with me through my sufferings. I will be given a new attitude. I will not be stuck forever living and paying for all this emotional, mental, physical and spiritual pain. The price has been paid. All my mistakes, fears, and doubts have been paid. I'm not walking through life alone. It's up to me to do my part.

I'm tired of hurting myself and others. When people hurt me and life never seems to let up, I will be provided enough strength for today. I'm not to plague myself with worries about tomorrow. It will be taken care of. I will rest in his power!...... I'm practicing not taking back my will, in certain painful circumstances. This thorn is to help me overcome my flesh.

This is an example of fear running wild. When my hubs has surgery this fall. I've worked my head into a frenzy. He will die, what will I do with all these belongings. I can't take care of this house alone. No one will help. I will sell and give away everything and run away to the water. What if Ins Co denies claim. Will our kids really come and help. How will they be able to afford to take time off. I will be alone. Will the couple of friends I don't see often be there. OMG, Ive drove myself insane. I will surely drink. It will help. NOT!...

Thank God there are only 24 hours in a day. I only need to be sober today. I might night wake up tomorrow. But if I do, I plan on doing better. Thank God I don't have to stand on my own merits all the time. In spite of whatever is going on in my life. He has a plan for my life. I just need to get out of my own way at times. I have God's favor and so do you!... That is enough!... This is my true worth!.. His grace will empower me to do the right thing, even in the midst of agony. Renewing my mind each day. These thorns in my flesh cause me to reach out to him and others. Whether I'm fighting or poisoning myself I won't be abandoned. His grace will help me break free. He is sufficient. I'm grateful for this thorn in my flesh. The thorn is humbling me. Without it, I wouldn't be on a path of spiritual healing, for my flesh is corrupt. His grace is sufficient. In my weakness, then I'm strong.

Thank you for sharing your vulnerabilities, grief and pain. Are you willing to be more specific about your overwhelming grief? What mercies from others choices are causing you pain? Why do you have to be the only one left picking up the pieces? Ones that keep you going back to the bottle for relief? Even tho it's really not a relief, is it? Have you considered speaking with a therapist?

I too have been on this same merry go round. I want off. I'm not in control of other peoples choices. I am in control of how I'm going to deal, respond and cope. I hate feeling helpless. This is my pride. Handing it over to God. Especially, when there appears to be no answers. Think sometimes that answer mean to wait.

In my opinion there is always temptation. Like Mario said. "We must not allow these things to grow in our minds. We must work our tools". There is always a crack. There are possibilities of a breaking point for most human beings. Never is a long ~ long time. I have a problem with future tripping to. I'm not drinking today no matter what. I don't know what's going to happen tom, but I can have a plan in place. If my plan gets screwed up then, I have sufficient grace. :love:

Me, just me rambling on. :upsidedown::sensational::giggle:

[lifechange]

Re: ~cattleman cafe~ & another 24...

It's 7:17 a.m. here and I'm asking for 24 hours more..

[empyr3al]

Re: ~cattleman cafe~ & another 24...

6:50 AM. Yesterday was a wreck, seems to happen once in a while. Hoping for 24 today. I really liked your post Wildflowers. Its crazy but I'm on the opposite side as my father is a hoarder and he is still quite agile at ~70 (won't be specific because I'm giving too much info away) but the amount of work that needs to be done is daunting when he becomes unable. Now I experienced crazy pain from abusive situations like you mentioned. But love is the last one that got removed from me so thats my pain, and triggered crazy relapse. Finding peace (love) cured me or at least limited my intake for a number of years. Somehow sober until realizations happened. How do I manage this situation with my father now before it overwhelms me as my love (genuine support) is gone and have eliminated most of my friends or they have walked away from me. Have yet to figure that out because it in and of itself is an addiction (Hoarding). Its compounded that I'm here and I have enough stuff to furnish and decorate an entire flat beautifully and properly. This property is quite large, guessing at 2500sg/ft plus my fathers make shift sheds at another 1000sq/ft and the number of objects is in the multiple thousands. Size wise is likely 120x400. He has in fact been working on it as some of it is cleared, but there are old stereo components not hooked up that have no use. Who needs 8 VCRs. I ripped down 15 of his PCs recently for useless parts for art. I have enough CPUs all the way back from the 80's now so I can build geek art from it using pin board. I build my own so the stuff works and lasts forever so I only need 2. Why but outdated stuff that only frustrates you? It's mirrored in the fact we both my father and I seek dopamine flushes, his hoarding, mine alcohol. Now transitioning to what I consider peace and calm by taking pride decorating instead of just cleaning up crap is difficult. 24 please as life is chaos.

He has lost his sense of smell pretty much so it drives me insane.

[Neo]

Re: ~cattleman cafe~ & another 24...

Let's go for 24. Had a baclofen tablet earlier + chicken casserole for tea. Yumbo

[Mr Vervill]

Re: ~cattleman cafe~ & another 24...

24 more for me please.

[paulywogg]

Re: ~cattleman cafe~ & another 24...

5:09 another 24 please

[abcowboy]

“You will fail at some point in your life. Accept it. You will lose. You will embarrass yourself. You will suck at something. There is no doubt about it. … Never be discouraged. Never hold back. Give everything you’ve got. And when you fall throughout life, fall forward.”

6:30am in Alberta, 24 more please, and thanks...

In the past 24 hours, these people have signed in for 24 hours of sobriety:
[MENTION=17650]paulywogg[/MENTION] [MENTION=20895]Orimus[/MENTION] [MENTION=7944]dill[/MENTION] [MENTION=16893]Wildflowers[/MENTION] [MENTION=15430]lifechange[/MENTION] abcowboy

Great post WF, ramble away as much as you want!
Pauly, it's your day off, do something nice for yourself today!
Have a great weekend everyone but remember, no quitting on your quit eh!

[Wildflowers]

Re: ~cattleman cafe~ & another 24...

Please, I really want and need 24 AF hours. Thank you!

Ok I feel a bit embarrassed by my ramblings yesterday. I shall call these musings,ramblings & rants. My daughter gave me this piece of art. It says my grace is sufficient for you. I hung it in bedroom 6-9 months ago. It's been perplexing me. I'm trying to figure it out and live it. Time to let it rest in my mind and heart. However, later I'll have musings ramblings on the word never and its application with alcoholism.

@empryl23. Much thaanks for your post along with all of you beautiful people. :love:

I'm off to grocery shop before eclipse chaos begins. Then dental appointment. Already six months. Than an afternoon appointment with client.
Have a good day and be safe out there!.. :love: Back later. Haven't figured out MacBook yet. I'm on phone. Waves to Paula.

[empyr3al]

Re: ~cattleman cafe~ & another 24...

[MENTION=16893]Wildflowers[/MENTION] I custom build my pc's and use a samsung Note 5 phone so its got tons of memory and some serious software so my phone is actually using my pc's remotely, wherever the heck I am (so its a PC and just a monitor). Its pretty insane what I can do. My mother loves her mac's as they seem to work if are not a geek. (I have no idea how to fix them or use them) You just have to pay the price. Do not be ashamed of your ramblings, I do it too. Its what we need to do. Some art, extreme photos, I took down because it would remind me of some good and bad times and things that went on and what I have lost. There is a lovely frame and custom 30x48 or something of super imposed edited images by a friend of my marriage sitting beside my couch so I do not see it. It used to sit in front of me on the wall as soon as I woke up and kept me sober in hope for a long time. She had already chosen her next man. Its hard because everytime I have been here has been to sober up to go back to the girl I loved. God that hurts.

[dill]

Re: ~cattleman cafe~ & another 24...

[MENTION=16893]Wildflowers[/MENTION], I enjoy reading your thoughts and musings. Please don't ever be embarrassed! I have been extremely busy here today with wrapping up the visit from my daughter and grandson. My son and his children as well. It was quite a full house and loads of chaos; the good kind I might add!

A lot of your post was thought provoking but there were 3 things that I wanted to respond to:

My ego, which is nothing but fear and pride. It tries to convince me I won't be safe if I say never again.

This is very insightful, IMO. For me it is more pride than fear though. I have a hard time accepting that I, on my own and by my own strength of will, can't control this thing. My pride is what gets in my way of accepting that, not so much fear.

Most of us have experienced major on going troubles and pain that are not in our control. I've been at the mercies of other peoples choices. Left with overwhelming grief, anger, fear (which is the opposite of love).

I just kept thinking about this one because I always thought the opposite of love is hate. Or indifference. I wonder if I am missing something here.

Thank you for sharing your vulnerabilities, grief and pain. Are you willing to be more specific about your overwhelming grief? What mercies from others choices are causing you pain? Why do you have to be the only one left picking up the pieces? Ones that keep you going back to the bottle for relief? Even tho it's really not a relief, is it? Have you considered speaking with a therapist?

I don't like getting specific about things because as much as this site might be safe and anonymous, I don't feel like it's fair to talk about other people's lives and problems on here. Just in case. It just doesn't feel right. But as I said, families of addicts have certain realities and one of those is that nothing feels safe at some point. You are always holding your breath that you may suddenly lose someone to the disease and that loss is the overwhelming grief I refer to.

Bottom line is, there are no good reasons to drink. Especially not today! 24 please.

[lifechange]

Re: ~cattleman cafe~ & another 24...

Super posts here! I appreciate them all very much and don't see them/take them as rambling rants.. I tend to write more about what's going on in my life/head in the Nest because that's where I've always done it.. I don't think it matters where we do it.. just that we do. We all learn from eachother and that can only happen if we write it out. So thank you..

it's 7:29 here.. cloudy and windy and cool and looking a bit like rain. let's see! I'm asking for 24 hours more for all of us..

[Neo]

Re: ~cattleman cafe~ & another 24...

Going for 24. Sat night. Might pop a baclofen instead of bottle lol.

[paulywogg]

Re: ~cattleman cafe~ & another 24...

4:56 in Vegas another 24 please