Worst person in the world?

[Struggles 106]

Just wanted to share something--
A guy I work with had stopped drinking several years ago, for several years. He resumed drinking a few years ago.
Fairly recently he had a liver CT, showing cirrhosis. Dr prescribed Ativan , and in reality he probably should have had a medical detox.
He came in to work right after that completely bombed,presumably on the Ativan. He had hit a car in the parking garage,staggered into the office and freaked everyone out. His wife came and got him, then he took med disability for a bit and returned and is doing OK
My point in this story is that everyone was very kind and compassionate about all this. They didn't judge him or hate him or any of the things I feel in being the same type of drinker.
So maybe I'm not the worst person in the world. Long way to get to that notion but I have always felt BAD.
On a different note he got married in June (dubious choice I think ) and his drinking escalated,possible linked to home circumstances. But in any case -regardless of stress or anything else- it's a choice and that's how it is

Ann

[Guitarista]

So maybe I'm not the worst person in the world. Long way to get to that notion but I have always felt BAD.

Ann

Hey Ann, git in line for that title. :happy2: Geez, I'm sorry to hear your colleague has cirrhosis of the liver. Damn scary. Our liver can take a lot of punishment, but only so much I guess. I'm reminded of cancer of the liver and other organs too, triggered by drinking. Remember, you are not a bad person. Some of our behaviours on booze can be. Remove alcohol and what a life is there for the taking eh?

Were you a fan of Lemmy from Motorhead? Just passed away, in his late 60's I think. I read cancer of the liver. I know he was a regular spirits drinker and cigarette smoker. He sure packed in a lot of living, travel, people, music, but without the booze and smokes I reckon he'd have another 15 years here at least. Vale Lemmy.

Take care and good to see you back. Kick some ass at your own pace friend. G

[Byrdlady]

Ann, here's the thing:
Everybody feels like this (with Donald Trump being the ONE exception!) Every person I know feels as if they are 'less than'. Even Tom Cruise and Oprah, Brooke Shields, Meryl Streep...the list goes on and on! They are some of the best in the business yet they still have these feelings of inadequacy. Why? Because it is human nature. I know in life there are always going to be people who have MORE _____ than I do, and those who have less. That is what keeps me out of that stinking thinking. I try to practice gratitude (Lav hammered that in my head).
Here is the other thing:
I know you....you are NOT a bad person, you are a wonderful friend, mother and Mimi!!!!! From where I sit, I think I know what the issue is. ALCOHOL is the problem! Always was, always will be. If you are like me, I ran every experiment from here to yon to try and make it fit into my life, but try as I might, it just would not. I am an alcoholic. No amount of wishing or hoping is going to change the facts.
I don't know what happened the other night, but if it can be used to help you SLAM the door shut on AL, then it's not all in vein.
The last thing I know is that this takes support. I know you know this, but you've gotta make yourself STAY CONNECTED. I do, and it makes all the difference. The world out there just turns the opposite way than we do, so we must stick together so we can win the battle. If you really looked at it, I imagine we get bombarded with AL suggestions 20 times a day or more....and if they are tv and magazine ads, those are put together by the biggest names in the advertising business, we are targets for those ads. They are strong, but we've got to be stronger.
ALCOHOL is the problem....not drinking it is the solution.
I think counseling is a great idea, it doesn't hurt anyone to get another opinion about how things are going!
So is this Day 2? Much love, Byrdie

[Sunbeam]

Ann, you need to work on forgiving yourself. I think it is a final step in success with eliminating alcohol. We are all imperfect but very worthwhile human beings. You can Google the phrase "ways to forgive yourself" for ideas.

[Struggles 106]

Thanks all! I agree with all of that. And yes G I was a fan of Lemmy-what a guy!

I do realize that feeling sorry inadequacy are common. It seems that I've recently identified some bit of rage ( seems silly at this point I know) , rage at my parents who fucked all 7 of us up in different ways, 4 being alcoholics. I think I need an outlet for this,I guess therapy.
I've never understood why in hell anyone would have a bunch of children and not give a shit. I think having the baby here and realizing how crappy they were especially in comparison....maybe that's part of it. I deserved to feel loved and secure as a kid too, we all did but NOOO drinking was more important.
*sigh* I am quite excited about exploring this and getting it behind me.

Love you guys

[available]

It takes a lot of work to forgive ourselves, well for me it did. After 2 years of not drinking, i hate what al did to the person that was underneath and trying to hide. The fog slowly lifted when i stopped drinking and i was never not a nice person but al took me plus more each and everyday until there was just a shell of what was me. For me i feel now that i have more empathy for others as being an addict has taught me that on one is perfect, every one has flaws and everyone has one insecurity or another.

In the last week or so i have felt very guilty about where my son is in his life with his al addiction at 22. it has made me look at myself and realised that i contributed to this in some way, i showed him when he was young that drinking was ok, he seen it and now he got to live it. For this i feel the worst person in the world but then i look at the role model i have become for him and what he himself is achieving (2 weeks sober on Saturday). There will always be something that will make me feel the worst but learning to forgive myself has been very important in this journey also. There are much better days now than when i drank but memories still pop their ugly heads up and as i tell myself that those memories are the past and the future sober is a much better option.

[Guitarista]

Love u too Ann.

I am getting better at leaving the past behind, and some of it's beliefs I find ingrained in me behind. Some of my 'core' beliefs drummed into me as a kid are not true and they do not have to be me today. I choose to believe something else these days. And that is......

I am a hardcore sober living heavy metal mofo, who from now on trusts in himself and takes no shit onboard. How can I? It's never personal or about me. It is about the person projecting their frustrations upon me. Whilst I empathize, I will not take such shenanigans personally, or onboard and wish that person safe travels. Water off a ducks back.

Living sober after our histories is as hardcore as a human can get I reckon. Just being here is heroic. Now that's Badass.

Git into it!

[NoSugar]

Ann, I think everyone who's had this experience has a ton of regrets and most have a hard time forgiving themselves. My feelings of guilt and regret were the greatest obstacles I had to overcome as I learned to live without our stupid crutch. I made quite a bit of progress with self-forgiveness on my own (with help from here!) but the missing piece has come to me recently as discussed in this thread: https://www.mywayout.org/community/ge...on-thread.html. This understanding makes it natural to forgive just about everyone - including yourself.

[paulywogg]

Hey Ann,I read something in the Rational Recovery book that has helped me it said"The past isn't real,it only exists in your memories" I was the QUEEN of dwelling on the past,its gone,finito,the future is unknown but by not drinking I try to make it a better outcome, I'm glad you're back,don't wander off again! Haha

[Spiritfree]

Ann, you need to work on forgiving yourself. I think it is a final step in success with eliminating alcohol. We are all imperfect but very worthwhile human beings. You can Google the phrase "ways to forgive yourself" for ideas.

Sun -I have just got say that you probably make the most important of all; "forgiving one self". In general, it is my opinion that AUD-ers are much more likely to forgive others before we forgive ourselves. For many years, I struggled with the term "forgiveness". What the heck does forgiveness even mean I thought to myself (after having been told one more time that I had to forgive myself). We all know the rhetoric that if we do not forgive someone then we are only hurting ourselves...bla...bla.

Finally, at some point in time, I came to the conclusion for me that the word forgiveness has nothing to do with the word forgetting. (Forgetting would not be a healthy way to live plus the fact that brain was refusing to let me forget.)

Forgiveness (maybe only for me) is an agreement with myself that I will try to think about the good things that may lay before me and drop the thoughts of things that lay behind me. It all boils down to resentment -either directed to ourselves or directed to others. If we are thinking about the 'good' in front of us, it is difficult to think about all the bad that lay behind us.

The true beginning for me, to live a life of forgiveness and compassion, began with me waking one morning and writing down something that I was grateful for -before I let the crap thoughts of resentment begin. I won't lie -it took a little time, but before long I began thinking less of what all was wrong or had been wrong and thinking more about what could be positive in front of me.

[Struggles 106]

Thank you to everyone. It's odd how even though I KNOW , sort of, what to do,I sometimes don't do that. It takes focus, "work", support and all that.
I woke up today thinking maybe I'll get a small tattoo that says in French- "Don't you dare do that to yourself." I won't, but I thought of it. Another thought popped into my head- "Stop digging your own grave." That was weird. But rather true. The last episode was so terrible that lots of bad things could have happened.
I'm here though. And I intend to STAY!

Love to all

[paulywogg]

I've thought of a sobriety tattoo Ann,""peace" or " freedom" but those sound cliche,I'll keep thinking of stuff, have a peaceful New Year

[Struggles 106]

Thank you Pauly
I even considered "just say NO". Haha
That is definitely too cliche.
I'm feeling quite irritable at the moment.

[little beagle]

And here I stay too. I may not be able to forget my past mistakes, but my recent choices to no longer continue making those mistakes has helped cancel them out.

[Struggles 106]

I'm feeling relieved to be back! I found a video on my phone from the last episode .
Pathetic and sad. No memory after 11 or so and the video was 2:48 am. Easily could have gone WAY bad. Grateful to be here for sure.
Day 4. Again. Humbled by it all-so astonished by how bad it can be.
I have to admit that this living situation is difficult,at best. My daughter is at this moment downstairs on the phone with the father of the baby who is a nitwit.
It gets so tiresome . Parenting from guilt for being a shitty mother years ago.
Ridiciulous