Easy To Pretend

[Struggles 106]

Only speaking for myself, but it seems that it's easy to pretend that things have not been WAY bad for WAAAAYYY long.
40+ years of destructive drinking. That is such a LONG time. Absolutely miraculous that I am here.
Looking back at many many awful situations,again it comes back to forgiveness. That was then and this is now and I can
do this.
I still have Antabuse, and I AM taking it. As I have said before it only takes 125 mg every 5 days or so to be effective.
At least that is how it is for me. But,like K9 always said you have to take the damn pill.
Jeeezzz....it ain't that hard.
I am staying here, taking strength from the posts from you guys,and so grateful to know that I am not alone. I am taking it a day at a time but I can't help but think of how cool,it would be to have a sober year on 12/28/2016.
The ONLY way to do it is one day plodding through at a time...
On another thread I was reading about generosity, giving $$ to the hungry etc. I love doing that, and now my sister in Louisville has a broken dryer and is slogging to the laundromat with wet clothes. I can't imagine that even in good weather so I know I can have a dryer delivered next weekend. Not sure if I believe her tales of woe and lack of $$ but I'm pretty sure this is true. I say that because as I've mentioned we were raised by wolves (actually garden variety drunks) so lying is no big deal.
They lied so much that we of course thought it was normal.
Taking my girls out to lunch later; all is well. THANK YOU all so much.
If anyone has a minute or the inclination to send me a message I would love that; I really have no one to talk to about important stuff.

Ann

[Spiritfree]

Hi Ann -thank you very much for your post.

I completely understand what you are talking about when you speak of the 40+ years of destructive drinking. Thankfully, I now look back at my former drinking and realize that I probably had to go through that just to be able to be alive today. I am just not sure that there was any better teacher than Firewater for me. These days, I try not to be too harsh on myself for what all happened or did not happen during my drunken years; after all is said and done, I was not intentionally choosing to live a somewhat miserable, alcohol imprisoned, brain changing life. Each day, and with each day one more day sober, I am better able to focus on today and the future and what I can do for myself and others that will make a better- more meaningful life.

You know Ann, after reading your last paragraph regarding your sister and her broken dryer, you reveal what I consider to be a few of the greatest characteristics that a human can have:
(1) Compassion
(2) Empathy
(3) Unconditional love

Regardless of whether or not your sister is lying about having enough money for a dryer, you are still willing to help her by purchasing a dryer for her. You 'feel' empathy for her pain that she is suffering, while you yourself are suffering as well. You seem to intuitively know that by helping someone else you are helping yourself. You are showing unconditional compassion for another person and I wish that we could all be like that. (It is ironic how so many of us who suffer from AUD really do have so much compassion for our fellows but not much for ourselves.)

Ann, trust me when I say that I know what it is to be brought up in an alcoholic family. Your parents (or caretakers) were not wolves (my favorite animal -lol, but true), they were people who were/are suffering from a mental illness that they had no idea they were suffering or experiencing. It has taken years for me to understand this and to forgive. Struggles, I only wish that I had one more chance to show compassion for my brother who is no longer here. He died as a result of his addiction, and in the end, I was not there for him.

Ann, keep on keeping on. Please try to show YOURSELF the care and compassion that you are so willing to share with others.
Just a thought.

--sf--

[Struggles 106]

Now I'm crying. Thank you sf. I find it difficult to accept kind words sometimes since I am always so hard on myself.
I'm feeling very hopeful. A lot of my "work" for a while I think needs to be focused on forgiving myself. It is SO hard to remember the awful stuff; it just makes me shudder to think of it. I guess that means I need to stop thinking of it and look forward
Thank you

[Byrdlady]

Hey Ann,
I tell you, the safest and best spot on this forum is the Newbie's Nest. There is always someone around and we are always on point! Your posts wont get lost in the shuffle AND there are folks there on the same day as you and some also taking AB! No need to be alone around here! I have found that folks feel as if no one cares when they dont get responses on threads they start and that is discouraging so they just give up. I think its just the way our forum is set up, new posts stay on top and those individual threads get buried. Besides, being part of a group makes us more accountable! You are almost at 7 days, you will get a prize from your fellow nesters for this great accomplishment. Gosh knows, we get no accolades in real life for this!
There isnt a thing wrong with you, Ann, AL is the problem! You became addicted to a highly addictive substance. When you know better, you do better!
2016 will be your year! Byrdie

[j-vo]

Yes, I second Byrdie's post...fly on over to the nest. Please!

[lizker]

Hi Struggles 106, just would like to say welcome back to the fight. It's not easy but it's soo much worth the sacrifice. I know the feeling of not having any one to discuss such a sensitive, important issue with. I recently had a brain MRI due to symptoms I had and I let my neurologist know about my alcoholism. To say the least, she didn't even bother to get back in touch with me about my results. Automatic judgement. Thankfully, we are all here for each other as we actually get what we are going through. Best of luck to you and please stick around.

[actiongirl46]

Hey Struggles . . . I too can get overwhelmed when thinking of the past. One thing I have noticed this last few weeks of being (mainly) AL free is that I don't wake up hating myself anymore. Wow!! That has been a huge relief and I'm so grateful for it.

SF - I loved your post. And Byrdie's. We are not bad people . . . and I think deep down you know that or you wouldn't be as compassionate as you are. And you probably wouldn't be here. We have an addiction that has caused some bad things to happen BUT that doesn't mean it has to continue to control us. A year ago, my 13 year old son could not wake me up when I passed out on the kitchen floor after a holiday party. Then I puked the bed after my husband got me there. The shame!! I have it.

2015 has been better, some ups and some downs, but nothing as low as that night, thank goodness. I still haven't gotten my act totally together yet but I feel a lot stronger because of the learning and support I've had here. I, for one, am really tired of beating myself up. Every AF day is a good day for me. If I slip, I am NOT going to get the feck its and spiral back down. I'm just going to get back on top of things and move forward.

Hang in there!! You deserve to feel good about yourself. Let's work on that together in 2016 - AG

[NoSugar]

Hi, Ann

Maybe you could write down what happened in great detail and exactly how all of that made you feel at the time and since then. Put it away in a safe place and let it be - know that if you ever need to be reminded, it is there waiting for you. Then, you don't need to think about it anymore. There is no need to relive it. You've learned what you can from it so why make yourself miserable by thinking about it - or any other bad memories - again? We don't have to choose to live in pain.

Letting go of the past and forgiving yourself is a path to freedom and return of health. There is a discussion about that in this book that I really appreciated: Somebody Should Have Told Us!: Simple Truths for Living Well: Jack Pransky: 9781926918266: Amazon.com: Books.

I hope you decide to participate in the Newbies Nest - really amazing things happen there.

xx, NS

[Guitarista]

I found it a good thing to git naked Ann. Naked as in 'here I am, err warts and all'. Just honesty and truth. I couldn't be any more ashamed or feel any more hopeless, so I left my mask at the door along with my ego and began to chip away at the layers of useless rubbish that engulfed me and cut to the chase. A big part of that has been just writing out my thoughts and feelings here. I found a bonus with writing stuff out (like you're doing here) is I get a few different angles and ways of looking at things from different folks (This c....co....comm.....communication lark might be old news to many women, but to a bloke it can be groundbreaking).

Have a gr8 week Ann and R U 7 days AF? Wowza either way my friend! G

[Struggles 106]

Hey G
Yep-day 7 here! And thanks to all; I'm hopping to the nest in a bit
And guess what!? Right down the street someone crashed a car into a house late last night.
Terrible scene, still today. So easily could have been me.

Ann

[Guitarista]

Congratulations on 7 days booze free Ann!

Sorry to hear of that crash. I hope folks are ok.

You've conquered every day of the week. Encore! :thumbsup:

[kuya]

As others have suggested you should post in the nest, even if you continue a seperate thread.

When we drink we will look for ANY excuse to do it, particularly when we first quit. No one 100% wants to quit and isolating ourselves is a way to avoid the discussion.

Having your own thread CAN be another way of isolating, but more importantly runs the risk that you will log in on a low moment, not see many or any responses, then start a pity party of "I KNEW no body liked me, or cared. I don't fit in here"

Jump in the nest until you have your sober feet again Ann. Being part of a human group is what we ALL need, even here in cyber space.