The Queen of Relapse

[hazeleyes]

You all have been great with your advice and suggestions. Thanks so much.

One thing, I try to understand how to join the nest but it's like jumping on a moving train, it never feels like the right moment. I feel like an intruder so I just post on my own of other people's new threads. I like people who ask for help as its great to share their burden and hopefully offer some kindness.

I'm certainly unsure how to make this quit stick, but I'm going to get busy with life and ask questions on here for support. Thanks everyone who makes a comment!

End of day 1...
H

[Choices]

Hi Hazel,

How are you doing today? I could have written your first post, all of them actually. I joined in 2010 myself. Just couldn't remember my password. I started a personal journal to be able to keep posting even when I wasn't sure where to jump in on the moving train.. I felt pressure to remember everyone's names, and what they said.,, but I was worrying too much about it. I just post away now because I need work on my sobriety everyday. People don't care if you only write about yourself, and eventually it gets easier. You can do it. I was drinking a bottle plus when I came back tail between my legs... And now, I feel so much better. You will too.

[starty]

What a great thread. Hazel I think we have all been there with the relapse and fear of how we are going to make the next one stick. I know I have. My advice is to read and post as much as you can to keep sobriety in the forefront of your mind. Like choices said, just post about yourself if that is easier. It helps us all because usually we can resonate with what others are saying and it always helps to not feel alone.

I have issues with booze and drugs. After 7 years sobriety I relapsed. No matter how much I took or drank it was never enough. Have you noticed how each time you relapse it gets worse?

[hazeleyes]

Thanks starty, I have learnt that in the blink of an eye I go from sober to drinking at the same level. Like I never had any sober days in between...it's not something I'm proud of or that I understand. I have also discovered there are many bright intellect hard working people on here who struggle with the same addiction issues. Why is that...why can't we shake this thing. I am sad for you all, and sad for myself, but we cannot give up the fight as the alternative is not an option.

I will continue to seek answers and solutions, and if I find any, I will share them here, as you all do. Thank you for walking with me through this...

H

[Sunbeam]

Hazel eyes, make sure you also read the stories of successful people. Long term abstinence and Sunday Shout Out are two threads where some people check in. You will be successful too!

[autumn]

Hi Hazel,

How you doing at today? A Huge well done on day 1!

It took me many, many quits and falls before I finally made it stick. Never ever give up. I too managed 6 months, my longest ever then, and then I just had an innocent beer...... then in a blink of eye I was back to drinking crazy ammounts, and all hell broke loose. You have been brilliant in getting to 6 months. But we will never be able to drink normally. Fact.

I now see drinking as a crossroads, and I have two pathways. One pathway......is the Alcohol I LEFT behind as I remain sober & avoid Al at all costs. Or if I choose the other path & have that glass of wine, I will be immediately RIGHT back in the drunken chaos that was my hateful life. So I have a choice & I choose not to drink today. And life today is pretty damn good sober!

Every time I craved wine or any Al, whatever the occasion, (happy, stressed, celebration etc) I visualised myself at the crossroads, and told myself (verbally out loud) where each path would take me and what the outcome would be.
Turn Left - Happy, hangover free and sober in the morning with my marriage & business intact
Turn Right - booze and drunken chaos, divorced with no business and possibly homeless & broke!

I would literally say this out loud and then ask myself "so Rach, which outcome is it to be today?" Then I just couldn't justify picking up that drink, once I had reminded myself of the consequences, that glass of wine didn't seem very romantic or enticing!

The other thing that works for me, is taking a few minutes daily, to thank (whoever, angels, higher power.......) for my sobriety & remember just how grateful I am to be sober & how I never want to go back to those dark days.

I never ever dwell now on the fun times we had, only the pain and misery it brought me. I have stamped on the rose tinted glasses!!

You know you can do this! Stick close by, we are all here to help xxx

[NoSugar]

Autumn, what a fabulous post! Thank you.

Thanks Pie, any tips for how to make my quit stick this time?

One thing, I try to understand how to join the nest but it's like jumping on a moving train, it never feels like the right moment. I feel like an intruder so I just post on my own of other people's new threads.

Welcome back, Hazeleyes.

Your reluctance to enter the busy Newbies Nest is understandable but my tip for success is to join that or another active thread in addition to posting here in your own. There are others that move less quickly such as the Daily Abstinence thread but where the message is the same.

Part of my reasoning is that individual threads often are not read by many people. With limited time to spend on MWO, most of us don't regularly read individuals' threads. Sometimes they seem like diaries and input doesn't seem to be being solicited so I, and maybe others, don't respond. Many individual threads have been started and most often they quickly disappear. There likely are people who have succeeded using that approach but I've witnessed success much more often for people who took the leap of faith and joined a group.

I think that in terms of changing your thinking, offering support can be more important than receiving it. There aren't that many opportunities to do that unless you participate in an active thread.

People are thrilled when there are new posters - just jump in! No one expects you to respond to everyone or know all our life stories. You would not at all be intruding!

The last couple times you've been here, I think you've mostly stuck to your own thread. Each time we try, it's good to change a variable - no use repeating the same experiment! So I hope you'll consider joining in because I think the power of community is how an online forum can work.

All the best, NS

[NoraC]

NS - I agree. I post daily in the roll call and that has helped me so much. Plus, I am going out and reading other threads and jumping in. It was outside of my comfort zone but I needed to do it. It has helped.

I post mainly on One Step thread but I read and post on others every day. You are definitely welcome on The One Step thread. You don't need to answer people but it helps to write how though are feeling and getting advice.

[NoraC]

Autumn - thank you for your post. Really good info there. I had a drinking dream last night. I hate that.

[jane27]

hazeleyes,

Welcome back! Every quit -no matter the length of time leaves a permanent, positive reminder that life lived free from ALs clutches is infinitely better. The damn stuff is highly addictive for some of us- SO highly addictive that most of us spend a lot of time and effort looking the other way about the fact that our lives are bit by bit going off the rails. I felt self conscious about posting as well, and more than once I got hurt feelings when I felt like I had worn my heart on my sleeve and didn't receive whatever it was I was looking for via replies. When that happened (or happens), I'll reach out to someone via private message. 10 out of 10 times that has worked. We're all here for the same reason and we understand each other in a way that people without an addiction can't- at least not in the same way. Many people have succeeded by doing just as NoSugar suggested. I hope you'll commit to posting in the Nest. Don't worry about what you write, just make yourself known and interact. You'll get the hang of it. Roll Call is also a great place to get involved, and you even get props and prizes when you reach a milestone. How about it?

[Byrdlady]

Hazel, I also joined MWO in 2010. I lurked for months before that. When I finally joined, I was ready to quit, and I NEEDED to quit....but I got sidetracked by the lure of being able to moderate. Fast forward a year, I was WORSE off than when I started! People addicted to Al cannot moderate. People without Al problems dont join MWO. I finally put 2 and 2 togetther!

We are addicted to an addictive substance. Period. No amount of 'being good' will change that fact. Once I got that thru my head, it really helped. Going back to AL only drags you back to square one, again. We cannot responsibly drink AL in any quantity. Once I recognized the FACTS then the solution was easier to accept.

My date would be a full year longer if I had accepted thar truth.....dont waste another year trying to defeat that which cannot be overcome. Letting go and moving forward is so much more peaceful! Denial is a ______.

Im about to hit 5 years sober and I can tell you, it wasnt always easy.....but boy howdy, it has been worth it! Al holds NO appeal for me now....that took time and distance. Im so glad you are ready to start a new, AF, life! You are going to be amazed!!!

Please join us in the Newbies nest. Read back a week or so, so you don't feel like you are just crashing in. We are always on point, and we have folks in the very early days so you will have quit buddies. This is a contact sport, you have to jump on in and participate (I have learned). Your posts are YOUR documentation of progress. If you need immediate help, a busy thread is the place to get it!

Im excited for you! All you gotta do, is get thru THIS day! Hugs, Byrdie

[Byrdlady]

Jane, same message, different posts!!!!!! Xoxoxo

[autumn]

Thanks Nora & NS,

OMG the drinking dream! Nora you have my complete sympathy. My first major one left me in shaking & in tears, I had to phone my key worker I was in crisis! They are hateful, how mad that a 'dream' can wobble you so much.

Hazel pick your battles, why add healthy eating & exercise to the to-do list? Quitting Al is hard enough! You are just giving yourself more ammo to beat yourself up with. Heck, If you want to eat cake in your Pj's whilst watching crappy TV, then thats just dandy if it gets you through another day sober. :thumbsup:

I remember DH moaning to his support worker (he needed to offload & get help after the hurt & pain my drinking had caused) that I was still smoking!! He replied, "well if she's sober, then dont beat her up over the fags, lets just concentrate on her remaining sober" And to be fair, the weight fell off, the healthy eating natrually followed, and I am now able to walk further than just the bargain booze store, happy days all round!

I get what you mean about jumping on a moving train. In the early days I always felt like such an interloper and everyone knew each other. Well, that was my confidence issue. Had I gone in waving the 'I'm new here flag' I know I would of found a well of support and welcomed with open arms. I wish I had had the courage to join the nest.
So please don't make my mistake. who knows, maybe I would of 'got it sooner' had I had the courage to be a part of such an amazing support group.

Hugs all the way xx

[Struggles 106]

Hey Autumn
Thank you! I love the left/right concept! Simple but clear and profound. A choice with
known outcomes on each side.
Day 13 here. Drinking dream last night, SO glad to wake up out of that!

Ann

[hazeleyes]

Oh autumn, how well said. Your post brought tears and I'm so grateful you shared this. I visualize the pictures you describe and I see the crossroad myself. Yes, I will adopt this strategy as well, for I have much to lose if I go back to wine. I had already begun to watch my health and happiness erode and it is time to stop making the wrong choices and to live again.
I thank you Autumn...Beautifully said.