casualty of war

[little beagle]

First kickboxing lesson today. Boy am I sore and tired. I just pictured his face on that punching bag and went to town. They were impressed at my endurance. Frankly so was I. Very therapeutic though.

[little beagle]

I had a long moment of clarity today. I've been trying to idealize,my husband. I have been trying to turn him into something he is not. He is not helping to make other's lives better while destroying mine. He has not suddenly turned kind and considerate of others,after 5 years of totally tearing everything down in my life.
He is still the same as he was here. Using drugs and treating others badly. A leopard does not change it's spots. It became increasingly difficult to use around me so he left so he can freely and comfortably use. That is the truth. Plain and simple. My husband left to fill his addictive needs. This is Not my fault. This is Not my problem. I am simply a casualty of war. But I will heal and my life will get better. His? I will not be a victim. I am strong. I am VERY strong. I WILL do this. For me. I am now my number one priority. Putting my life back together and not letting him control me any longer.

[Rusty]

LB-You are SO right! So glad your sobriety has given you this clarity. Yes, you are VERY strong. Your husband is an addict. Addicts usually aren't truly strong...only full of hot air and bravado when using...rationalizing their actions and blaming everyone for their problems. You're a true role model to your kids. Lucky kids to have you as their mom.:hug:

[Choices]

Hi LB, I just read through this entire thread. Your strength gives me strength. I think kick boxing helped you a lot because what you wrote after is pretty powerful. It is so hard to see clearly when our hearts are involved. There are so many angles to look at things when your a thoughtful person. I tend to idolize people in my life who hurt me as well sometimes. Reality isn't as easy as it seams when family members are involved, at least for me. And I'm always one who wants to forgive, and not harbor anger or grudges because I can't stand how it feels. I'm still trying to get my head around the process of all of all the pain I can feel with regards to relationships. Especially with partners and family. It doesn't seam fair that he would leave after you've been there in the trenches. I also think there is a chance he will return. I just hope he is able to clean himself up and be there for you if he does. This time is yours to embrace. All your own feelings without distractions. Your a brave, strong and smart lady.

[Sunbeam]

LB, I've been reading this thread, not knowing what too add, not knowing much about your situation. But I love the strength and clarity you have posted today. Life does improve without alcohol, but it takes some skill to sort through the complexities of relationships. Your head is now above water, your swim stroke will continue to grow stronger. Take care of yourself first, the rest will follow. People can change if they work really hard at it over time, that is what you have done.