I fell...

[j-vo]

And this is not the first time since 2008. But what I know is the difference from all my other falls is that I can't pretend I can moderate. I won't pretend because it's so full of crap to think that way.

Since 2008, I've gone back and forth between whether I could moderate or couldn't. The alcoholism in my family will tell you that I was in denial. I'm not in denial now. I've just fallen and blamed it on my excessive depression. Yes, I'm dealing with life issues and it ain't pretty. I've got anxiety about seeing my mom after 8 weeks, and I'm afraid of seeing the deterioration. But that was just my excuse to drink. Yes, I cried all day yesterday, nonstop and my swollen eyes will not deny my sadness, but it's no excuse to drink.

I'm not going to fool myself, or anyone here, but we make the choice to drink. No matter the situation. I'm not going to keep fucking my life up over issues that are out of my control. There's only one thing in my control and that's the choice to drink or not to drink. I can't control my moms situation, or how dad chooses to handle it. I can't control anything.

To think that I'm different from any of you is stupid. All day I was thinking that everyone here is better than me, is stronger than I am. That's just not true. You made better choices over and over but I'm learning from you. I didn't think I had the strength to face you all, but here I am. I'm doing it. I lost a week, but I won't lose anymore. I apologize for my fall, but I would like to continue here, because I've made great strides with being sober. I want to continue.

[available]

Glad to see you back J and you are right, you are no different from any of us except you made the choice to drink as we all have at some stage. I remember when i first came on here my screwed up brain thought that i was not as bad as half the people on here so i really didnt have a problem. This is what our al brain tries to tell us so we can drink, we will find any excuse to drink eventually unless we close the door on al.

It is so sad what you and you family are going through but to be there fully for them is what matters. To smile when you dont want to and when your heart is breaking to make others smile and to hug and say you love them is what matters. Destroying your life with al is not what they want or what you want. I remember one day standing outside Roberts door thinking that i could not face him, i could not do another smile but then i remembered what he told me that i was his one constant in his daily life. I went in that door and i smiled and kissed him and told him i loved him while my heart was breaking. I had the choice to drink but i wanted to fight for my life as he was.

As Lav said to me that i needed to take time for myself and never a truer word was said. Even if you are not there fully and you so want to be, you still have your life to live and family and work. Its overwhelming but one day at a time is all we can do.

You are blessed to have such a loving family J but you are so worth loving too. 2 years off the booze and no ad's for me now and an occasional xanax for anxiety. This is what sobriety does. I realise now that i am worthy of living and loving life as you also are.

Glad you are back again.

[NoSugar]

It takes courage to admit mistakes, J, and strength to start over instead of using what happened as an excuse to keep drinking, to fall into that abyss we all existed in, and let everyone else pick up the pieces. You can handle all the crap of life without drinking - we all can, even when it hurts. Welcome back :hug:.

[NoraC]

j-vo :hug: :hug: I am glad you are back. You are going to do this. What you are going thru is one of the hardest things a family has to go thru. Hang in there. :heartbeat:
I always had in the back of mind that I could moderate. Even when it had been proven over & over that I couldn't. It seems like it has finally sunken in for me. I'm glad that you are not in denial either.
Sending you positive thoughts xx

[Lavande]

Sorry j-vo but glad to see you right back!

I wish there was an easier way to deal with serious stress. I think it's just natural thing to want to avoid feeling pain, if only for a short time. Some people choose AL, some choose drugs (legal or not) & some choose faith/spirituality at these times. Please know that you have our collective support at this time :hug: I know the pain of losing parents & loved ones. Perhaps it would be helpful if you turn your attention toward your Mom & your Dad. Don't focus so much on your discomfort but on theirs. There's a lot you can do to make sure their immediate needs are being met. It always helped me to do that with my own family members. Death is a part of life & something we have to accept, fighting it only makes our pain worse.

Yes, this is a good time to be sure that you are taking good care of yourself so that you can help others :hug:

Lav

[little beagle]

J-vo thank you for coming back. For proving that getting up and starting again is doable. For knowing your limitations. For not letting AL win. You can do this. I know you can. You're here. Proof.

[actiongirl46]

Hey J - thinking of you . . . I hope you are feeling stronger and just get right back to being the wonderful inspirational person you are. So sorry you are going through this pain. Strength and peace - AG

[treetops]

Good to see you j-VO and I look forward to interacting with you in Gloamersville. We have missed you- although you haven't really been away for long.

[Sunbeam]

J-vo, we understand that you don't want alcohol in your life. The relief it offers is only momentary, and the price you pay for that moment is very high. No one with a drinking problem can afford that price. I'm glad you are still here, hugs.

[j-vo]

Thank you all for the support and welcome back. This week was a nightmare for me and never want to feel that way again.

[lizker]

Glad you came back to your mwo family who understand exactly what you are going through. It's not easy especially when you got so much going on. You said one very important thing. You have no control over the current circumstances you find yourself in and drinking will not change a thing but drag you into an even darker place. I'm praying that you will have the strength to pull your self out of the pity and that you will be there for your mom as you could the pillar she may need to lean on.

[Byrdlady]

Change the things you can and accept the things you cant. The day I accepted the fact that AL and I were incompatible ws a GOOD day. Narilly's byline says it better than I can....we can have the life we want or we can drink.
Hope you have an easier day. :hug: B